David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Month: December 2011

  • 2011. A year of sweet success.

    What started out as a pretty crappy year for me, really picked up about half way through, and ended on a high.

    Since finishing journalism at RMIT Uni last year, I literally applied for 75 jobs between October 2010 and May 2011, to no success. It was extremely demoralising. Even more so because I’m a genius, and most people don’t seem to have the time to notice. Also, I’m terrible in job interviews.

    But it just so happened I was at the right place at the right time with MTR. I started as a Melbourne Talk Radio panel operator in June. And in October I started working full time on The Steve Vizard Show. It’s turned out to be one of the most amazing experiences I’ve ever had. Great people. Lots of laughs. A few tears. And some great radio. Very much looking forward to continuing in 2012.

    This is why I moved to Melbourne.

    Something that’s gone a little less successfully, was my Channel 31 TV game show “31 Questions”. After actually being canceled in February, we managed to get un-canceled in May and we shot a second pilot on June 29. It went very well and certainly one of the highlights of my year:

    We had a spanner thrown in the works when some clown at RMIT University decided they wanted to make it as difficult as possible for people to use their television studio. And for the last 6 months we’ve been waiting for the go ahead to present the pilot to Channel 31 (which might I add, has already been filmed. It’s sitting on a DVD ready to go). We’ve neither been approved nor rejected. And we’re hoping (yet again) we’ll get to make a 13-episode series in early 2012.

    And if we get a “no”, then we’ll obviously be looking at other options, because this is what we want to do. We want to make TV. It’s incredible how many people are out there trying to tear you down. But I can assure you I will never give up. NEVER! NEVER! NEVER!

    I’ve made a few other TV appearances this year. To save you time, here are a selection of hilarious highlights:

    It’s been a year of highs and lows. But I think the high highs make the low lows worth it. And I do believe that for the eighth year in a row, this has been the best year of my life.

    Professionally. Creatively. Socially.

    And I’m still loving Melbourne.

    I’m now looking forward to heading back to Adelaide for Christmas and the New Year. See the family, old friends and shoot some more Too Easy!

    But I’ll be back in Melbourne for 2012. I have a feeling next year is going to be something special.

    So have yourselves a merry little Christmas and all that crap. See you on the other side.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green

  • Gift giving

    In case you missed it in mX last Friday, here’s my two cents on gifts…

    It’s supposed to be all about generosity, love, happiness and all that junk. But personally, I find giving and receiving gifts a nightmare.

    And Christmas is the worst.

    When you’re a kid, you think it’s simple enough. I want this! I want that!

    But then you get older and you discover a whole bunch of bizarre “gifting rules”. And everyone seems to have their own interpretation.

    Take my Dad (Please). He hates gifts. This is no secret. When someone gives him a present, any present, his reaction is consistent: “I didn’t ask for this. I don’t need it. I don’t want it.”

    My Mum on the other hand, will tell me every Christmas, “It’s okay, you don’t need to get me a present this year.” And then when I go ahead and get her nothing, I find out what she really meant was: “I don’t need any presents this year, but I would actually like a small present.”

    WHY DON’T YOU JUST SAY THAT!?!

    Why the labyrinth of interpretation?

    Because nobody wants to admit “I want presents”.

    My family has never been big on gift-giving. When I tell people this, often they find it incomprehensible. It even makes some people upset! They call me David M. Grinch.

    When I experienced the first Christmas with my first girlfriend, I was under the impression I would give her a present and she would give me one. And this was true.

    But what I wasn’t expecting when I turned up at her house on Christmas Day, was a present from her parents, presents from her three brothers, one from her brother’s girlfriend, one from her grandparents and another from her aunt.

    Might I point out, I’d hadn’t even met half these people before.

    And you know what I got for them? Nothing!

    I know they were trying to make me feel included, but it just made me feel awful. Was I supposed to get presents for all of them too? I didn’t have a job at the time. I’d have to declare bankruptcy! I’m ruined!

    So what makes a good gift?

    I believe the best present is money – cold hard cash – because you can do whatever you want with it.

    But people say, “No! You can’t give money! Where’s the thought in that?” They tell me I have to at least get them a gift voucher.

    A gift voucher is less thoughtful than money. A gift voucher can only be used at one place under certain conditions and if you don’t redeem it by a certain date it’s worthless.

    But money has no expiration date! It can be used anywhere! For anything! Just a thought…

    And it’s the thought that counts.

    There was about ten Christmases in a row there where several relatives thought I’d enjoy a nice desk ornament. Every year, more and more desk ornaments. How many desks do you think I have? I need a second one now just for the ornaments.

    If you must give a gift, give something that’s useful. We’ve all heard the clichés about socks and jocks, but I think they’re great. Assuming they don’t have an awkwardly placed tag or itchy stitching.

    And if you want to give ME a present this year… please… make a donation to a worthy charity. Okay? You feel good. The gift goes to someone who really needs it. Everybody’s happy.

    Either that or Lego.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Putting that journalism degree to good use, obviously.

  • M*A*R*S*L*A*N*D

    3 years today.

    RIP Richard Marsland

    1976 – 2008

    Still inspiring panel-operators and comedy writers everywhere.

    You can listen to my 2007 interview with Richard here:

    [display_podcast]

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green