David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Author: David M. Green

  • Life’s simple pleasures

    The search for happiness and meaning in life is not a new pursuit. But there are moments where you tend to ponder the big picture more than usual.

    I recently departed a full time job and moved into my own apartment, where I suddenly found myself with a lot of time for reflection.

    And I’ve realised the things that make me the happiest are all pretty simple.

    Forget about love, expensive holidays and a dream career! I’ve come up with a list of seven of life’s simple pleasures I believe are the key to happiness. Here they are in no particular order…

    1. Ice in a glass.

    My grandfather, who owned a pub, always said that ice is the cheapest thing you can put in a glass. And short of “absolutely nothing”, he’s right. Having recently purchased my first refrigerator, I’ve made sure there’s a ridiculously large stockpile of ice cubes in the freezer.

    Don’t you love that sound of the ice cracking as a fizzy beverage cascades into a glass? It’s a hypnotic ritual and it always puts a smile on my face.

    2. A hot shower.

    Even after the worst day, ten minutes under a steady stream of hot water can wash away the most awful stresses of the outside world. It’s our fortress of moistened solitude. I imagine Superman has a similar setup at the North Pole. No doubt insulated in some way from the ice.

    3. Carpet.

    Having lived in houses with floorboards for the last few years, it’s so nice to be able to walk barefoot around the house in soft fuzzy comfort again. Plus you can stretch out on the floor without bruising yourself. And it slows down the formation of dust bunnies.

    4. A seven-second hug.

    Hugs are great. But close contact with another human (or animal) for seven seconds or longer releases endorphins that make us feel fantastic. Get as much hug action as you can. Just make sure it’s consensual, because grabbing a stranger at a train station for seven seconds counts as assault.

    5. Sunshine.

    It’s warm. It’s free. And it’s always there. Just don’t stand it in unprotected for too long or stare directly at it. The same can be said for urine.

    6. Bricks.

    That’s right. Bricks. You see less bricks now than in days past. But nothing beats a solid double brick wall for sound-proofing and insulation. Plus you can nail a picture hanger anywhere you like without using a stud-finder.

    And there’s nothing like a bare brick wall on the INSIDE of a house to remind you no wolf is huffing and puffing his way in here. Especially those really dark bricks that are almost black. Oh yeah… that’s the stuff…

    And finally:

    7. Good health

    It seems it’s only when you’re sick that you appreciate just how great it is not to be. Sometimes we can’t control this one. So enjoy it while you can.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Budget pleasure-seeker.

  • 31 Questions Ep #04 with TV’s Pete Smith!

    Best ep yet.

    But of course, I would say that wouldn’t I?

    Thanks for the Twitter love, folks!

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Pete Smith = Pure class.

  • How to attract an audience

    Hi, I’m TV’s David M. Green – Host of the hilariously rating low budget TV game show “31 Questions”, Saturday nights 10PM on Channel 31 Melbourne & Geelong.

    Are you a comedian, musician, ventriloquist or some other type of performer?

    Putting on a show?

    Need an audience?

    Then watch this video for a few helpful hints on how to promote your gig and boost your audience numbers…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANMvQADAE8k&feature=plcp

    I can only assume you now feel better about yourself.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Waster of other people’s time.

  • 31 Questions Ep #03

    In case you haven’t seen the pattern here, there’s now a new episode of “31 Questions” (the TV game show all the cool kids are ignoring) every week!

    If you’re enjoying the show, it would really mean a lot to me if you could tell someone about it. If you think comedy on Australian television is fairly ordinary and you’d like to see more shows like this, all you have to do is post the video on your Facebook page or retweet @31Questions. We don’t have a huge PR department like the proper TV stations, so help me [Obi Wan Kenobi]. You’re our only hope.

    Episode #3 features the gag round “Knowing Me, Knowing You” (for Alan Partridge and ABBA fans alike), where contestants are tested on their knowledge of their own personal details.

    Do YOU know what colour shirt you’re wearing in your driver’s licence photo? Hey don’t cheat!

    And thanks to some fabulous directing, there’s a freeze frame gag there too, which considering the video is on YouTube and you can easily pause it, means that jokes that are barely in frame still work.

    There is however, a frustratingly tragic audio glitch right on the punchline of one of my favourite gags from the whole series. RIGHT ON THE MOST IMPORTANT WORD OF THE WHOLE JOKE… We didn’t discover it until it was already too late to shoot it as a pick-up shot.

    We tried everything but we just couldn’t fix it. Re-recording the audio made it even more obvious. So we left it in because we figured we could just blame Channel 31 and say it was a transmission problem, which of course it isn’t. Channel 31 are fantastic.

    And I only did that gag once on the show!

    Damn.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    31 Questions: The TV game show where YOU get to be the…

  • Why you should always have a pen

    I’ve had the same Parker Pen since 2003. I’ve also had the same hand since 1987.

    With that pen I completed all my exams for Year 12 and University. It’s also been used by Shaun Micallef, Andrew O’Keefe, Steve Vizard, Sam Mac and The Late Richard Marsland. Derryn Hinch has held it. But he didn’t write with it.

    I won’t get into the things my hand has held.

    My ability to be a somewhat competent comedian rests mainly on two factors:

    1. My ability to generate good ideas, and
    2. My ability not to forget them.

    Ever since I started doing radio in 2006, I’ve carried a pen and a pocket-sized notebook around with me, jotting down thoughts, jokes and other ideas as they come to me.

    People generally seem amused that I carry a pen and paper around with me: “Why don’t you just type a note into your iPhone?”

    Call me old fashioned. I like to write.

    For the first time last Christmas, I finally went through my collection of used notebooks  and put all my unused ideas into a word document. The resultant 450ish ideas ended up 33 pages long and consisted of more than 12,000 words!

    That’s 6 years of always having a pen:

    But my pen rewarded me in a new way this week, when I found myself locked out of my apartment.

    Since I moved into my own place in Hawthorn in March, I’ve found myself pondering how long after slipping on the wet bathroom tile and cracking my head open would my body lie there decomposing before someone bothered to come looking for me?

    Probably at least couple of days.

    My other fear is being locked out. With my family in another state and no one nearby with a spare key, it would be incredibly inconvenient.

    However, that’s exactly what happened on Wednesday when I went out to purchase a baguette and a wedge of brie for a dinner party I was attending that evening.

    I arrived home to find the screen door was locked. This was bizarre for two reasons. Firstly, I don’t ever lock the screen door. And secondly, it’s impossible to lock the screen door without the key.

    The screen door is probably as old as the apartment – circa 1968 – and features a key that looks like something out of Sherlock Holmes:

    And considering the screen door is full of holes and merely provides a lovely view of the doors to neighbouring apartments, I decided I wasn’t going to use it.

    I’ve got enough pens and notebooks in my pockets already. I’m sure as hell not carrying the key to “The Secret Garden” with me everywhere I go.

    But what the hell? How come I can’t open the screen door?

    After jiggling it around for a bit, I did the same with the door – to no avail.

    So I called the real estate agent. After being on hold for 10 minutes, they told me they didn’t have a spare key and suggested I call the landlord. The landlord was 4 hours away near Lakes Entrance and although had a key, was unable to deliver it to me. He suggested jimmying it open or, sigh… calling a locksmith.

    Upon closer inspection, I realised it wasn’t actually the locking mechanism which had “locked” the door. It was the metal latch that should simply retract when the handle is turned.

    For some reason, something inside the door had malfunctioned and the latch had popped out, effectively locking the door. It was no longer responding when the handle was turned. You can see it extended here:

    I wonder what could have caused this? Perhaps the 5.2 magnitude earthquake the night before? Who knows. It’s an old freaking door.

    I tried wedging it open using my Boost Juice membership card, which was the least important thin piece of plastic on my person. But it wasn’t strong enough. Even after doubling it up with my Australian Blood Donor’s card, the plastic just kept bending.

    The other keys I had with me were all too thick and short to be effective. The only other thing I had on me was my beloved pen.

    Incredibly, I was actually able to use the pen’s metal ink refill as a “ramp” for the door. But I really had to force the door open, which left the pen insert crippled:

    And can you believe it… it still writes!

    So I got back in my apartment and avoided keeping another locksmith in business. Thank God.

    Of course, I then managed to lock myself INSIDE the apartment; an even more frightening prospect. Especially if there’s a fire (I live on the third floor and it’s the only way in or out).

    That really was the final “curtain” for that screen door. It now resides off its hinges.

    So what did I learn?

    1. Always have a pen. And
    2. The “M” stands for MacGyver.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Are you writing this down?