David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Author: David M. Green

  • 800 million reasons to hate the new Facebook Timeline

    I don’t like it and I don’t want it.

    The big wigs over at “Facelessbook” tell us their 800 million users (11 per cent of the world’s entire population) will now be forced to adopt the new Timeline layout.

    And I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I declare this to be history’s greatest disaster. Thanks a lot, Zuckerberg.

    The much heralded “New Facebook” design is bad ergonomics.

    Users of “Facebook Classic” will know that everyone’s most recent status updates are at the top of the page, and to trace backwards requires a simple vertical glance downwards, like so: (follow the red arrow)

    Viewing Timeline on a computer requires your eyes to dart left and right around the screen, zigzagging down the page, searching for some sort of chronological consistency.

    Compare the above design to the Timeline layout:

    It’s the equivalent of designing a stove with controls that don’t line up with the hotplates, or a speedometer with no numbers on it.

    If I land on a friend’s Facebook page and they have the Timeline, I usually leave straight away. I don’t care about whatever benefits they’re toting. I simply do not want to look at it.

    Now, I don’t have a problem with software giants changing the design of their user interfaces. But I do have a problem when it’s a forced change, and not one for the better.

    They’ve been doing this to us for years. Windows Media Player used to have the “play” button on the left of the screen. Then they moved it to the middle.

    The latest version of Internet Explorer moved the favourites menu to the opposite side of the page. Why? Because they can.

    I had to break years of mouse-moving habit in order to adapt. And even still, if I’m not concentrating, I’ll sometimes go for the old positions.

    And YouTube just made their new channel design mandatory as well.

    It rightly ruffles my feathers!

    Of course, they’re not all evil manipulative execu-nerds over there in Silicon Valley, driving around in their fancy convertibles, laughing at the thought of pissing off millions of users by making them change their habits.

    The good people who designed the Winamp multimedia player also catered for their long time users who don’t like change. With a simply click, you can revert back to the classic “skin”, where everything on the screen is where it should be.

    It’s quite possibly the greatest thing since sliced bread. Or rather, if there was such thing as sliced bread that – with the click of a button – could also be turned back into the classic unsliced variety of loaf.

    People don’t like change. That’s the only thing that stays the same.

    But is Mark Zuckerberg offering users the option to keep the old Facebook design? No he is not. And why should he? At this point there’s no incentive for the colour-blind monopoloid to cater to his “friends”.

    What are we gonna do? Go crawling back to MySpace? I don’t think so.

    But before you criticise me (probably on Facebook) for overreacting, I am aware this is a first world problem. No one’s starving to death because of some rearranged zeros and ones. At its worst, it’s just kind of irritating.

    There must be hundreds of thousands, if not millions of Australians who along with me, are lamenting waking up one morning to discover a Timeline where their Facebook page used to be.

    They’ve already converted the fan pages for myself and 31 Questions. They switched over on March 31.

    But what choice do we have? Could you imagine your modern lifestyle without Facebook? Impossible.

    It’s now so ingrained in our society there’s no way back. You don’t ask for someone’s phone number any more. You ask for the correct spelling of their name, so you can stalk them on the Internet.

    How on Earth are you supposed to remember anyone’s birthday? Write it down on a desk calendar? Absurd.

    And up until the late 00s, if you wanted to “poke” someone, etiquette dictates you needed to buy them a drink first.

    But, I suppose if being subjected to the Facebook Timeline is the worst thing that happens to you this month, you’re probably doing better than the 6.2 billion people who don’t have Facebook at all.

    They actually have real problems to deal with.

    Feathers can be unruffled.

    We will adapt. Reluctantly. We will learn to like. Reluctantly. We may even eventually give it one of those little thumbs up… Reluctantly.

    And then we’ll kick up a fuss when Facebook decides they want to change the Timeline to something else.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Reluctant Facebook user.

  • *Ding* Time to turn the page…

    Welcome to the next chapter in the DMG saga.

    It’s been some time since my last blog entry. My apologies if I’ve neglected the few souls who come here semi-regularly, hoping to discover some new David M. Green bloggy goodness.

    I suppose I can immediately blame Optus. I moved into this new apartment in Hawthorn on March 10. I was supposed to have Internet installed on March 23. It’s now April 6 and I’m still waiting for my wi-fi modem.

    Thank God for the “hotspot” function on my iPhone and the idiot in the neighbourhood with the unsecured wireless network, or I’d be living like it’s 1996.

    Hopefully I’ll properly merge onto the on-ramp to the Information Superhighway soon enough, and join the rest of you.

    I’m settling into my new place nicely. The kitchen is just about set up. I had to buy a fridge, a microwave, cutlery, crockery, cookware, the works.

    I even needed to buy a bench from IKEA, as there’s not enough built-in bench space…

    One Paul Simon’s “Graceland” and half of Gary Numan’s “Beserker” later…

    Tada! Gotta hand it to those Swedes. They know kitchen solutions.

    The lounge room/main room still needs some work. A couch is on its way from my lovely parents’ house in Adelaide. Then when I can muster the cash, I’ll get a coffee table and a bigger TV.

    Speaking of cash, I recently signed up with DJ Masters as a casual DJ. Thus far I’ve DJ-ed two weddings. One in Metung, near Lakes Entrance in eastern Victoria. The other in Shepparton, a couple of hours north of Melbourne.

    If you stalk me on Twitter you can follow my progress wearing suits and spinning tracks all over the state.

    Want David M. Green to DJ your next rhythmic social gathering for some reason? Go to the DJ Masters website. Ask for me by name. Or a vague description.

    I’ve also got a very promising new radio-related job in the pipeline. But more on that one soon.

    And then there’s 31 Questions. My big project for 2012.

    In a way, it’s been a blessing I lost the MTR job, because I have no idea how the hell I’d be able to produce, write and host this TV show if I was also working 40 hours a week.

    I’ve got most of the 13-episode season now written and it’s coming together nicely. We’ve already shot some pre-tape stuff, including this:

    And last night we had our first studio day. A very brief rehearsal and a chance to shoot some of the opening sketches.

    Not surprisingly, we were plagued by problems. The hallmark of community television.

    The most annoying hindrance was the absence of a large piece of our set, which we had constructed for our 2nd pilot in June 2011. It had simply disappeared from the store room!

    In hindsight, we probably should have checked last week everything was in order. But Jesus! It’s a huge object. No idea where it’s got to. It’s either been misplaced god knows where, stolen, or broken up and used for firewood.

    We were extremely fortunate to make a similar-looking replacement out of pieces of other sets. You can hardly tell the difference, right?

    In the 2nd pilot, we had 2 plasma TVs on set. But we arrived yesterday to discover one of them was broken.

    Fortunately I had a large poster of myself; an item I can stare at just as long, if not longer, than a flat screen television. An adequate replacement, no?

    There were some other technical issues as well. Something was wrong with the lighting desk, which meant we only had time to record three of the seven sketches I had planned.

    Hats off to our fantastic crew. Despite the setbacks, we all kept on and no one lost their cool.

    We’ve still got the next six Thursdays in the studio so hopefully we’ll squeeze the rest in.

    And I’m very happy with the new cast.

    There’s myself of course (but you know that).

    Taking over from Alasdair “Al” Tremblay-Birchall  is the fabulous Anthony McCormack (from The Good Show and many other things). We all loved Al but he has conflicting Melbourne Comedy Festival commitments.

    And it gives me great pleasure to introduce Sophie Loughran as our new 31 Questions scorekeeper.You’re gonna love her!

    From our rehearsals, we gel together like some sort of razzle dazzle entertainment ooze. And I’m really looking forward to working with the two of them more over the next 6 weeks. I think we got something here.

    Also, I got to wear a dress:

    Disturbingly, I stayed in that dress just a bit too long after shooting the relevant sketch. I enjoyed it considerably more than I was expecting…

    I don’t actually mind wearing lip stick and make-up, but here’s a fun fact for you: I absolutely hate face paint. Ever since I was 4. That one occasion at kindergarten in 1991 was the one and only time I ever had my face painted. From memory, it was some form of rainbow. Just didn’t care for it.

    But back to the present. Remember, we’ll need contestants on the show too. Plus there’s plenty (every) of seats available in our studio audiences. So sign up to RMITV and keep an eye on the 31 Questions Facebook and Twitter pages for updates.

    So big times ahead for the next six weeks. I’ve got a television series to make. And I have to scrape enough money together to pay for it, plus pay my considerably higher rent, and a cavalcade of bills and renewals… which always seem to come all at once, don’t they?

    Car registration, servicing, RACV membership, Internet, ambulance cover. All these bills and more! Christ!

    But then again, I could die tomorrow, and I’d still be in surplus.

    So life ain’t so bad, really.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    With a new found appreciation for women’s fashion.

  • Home? This must be the place.

    If there’s one photo which sums up my recent move into my first apartment, this is it:

    *Landlord note, the poster is not actually on the wall.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Hawthorn’s newest resident

  • From the ashes of MTR

    The dream is over.

    When I applied for my 76th job for the year in May 2011 – a  “talent bank” advert for Melbourne Talk Radio – I had little hope it would turn into anything more than an unread email, and no idea it would actually turn into a full time position as the panel-operator & audio producer for The Steve Vizard Show, plus the guy who manages the station’s social media accounts and podcasts.

    And that’s what I’ve been doing for the last 6 months. It’s essentially been my life.

    Since moving from casual weekends to The Steve Vizard Show at the start of October, I never missed a shift. I panelled a total of #99 3-hour live talk radio shows and racked up 505 hours on the buttons.

    I can panel that show in my sleep.

    Working at MTR has been the most incredible experience of my life. And I don’t say that lightly.

    Hey, I would have been content if all I got out of this job was my first ever dedicated office phone line…

    I could finally put something in the (W) section of a standard application form!

    But MTR was obviously so much more to me than that.

    The people I had the great pleasure to work with every single day are some of the most talented and hard-working individuals I’ve ever met. In any industry.

    But it broke our hearts on Friday when the talk station went into administration and shut down, switching back over to easy listening.

    It’s a loss for Melbourne. It’s a loss for the Australian media landscape.

    Speaking now as an employee of no radio station, I can say without bias that the Melbourne radio market is easily big enough to support a second commercial talkback station. Just look at Sydney. And in terms of advertising dollars, Sydney has the smaller market.

    Talk is the future of radio. The future of music is the mp3 player.

    It can be done. It should be done. And I predict that eventually, someone with vision will come along and give 3AW a proper run for their vast piles of money.

    Other commentators will postulate why MTR failed. And there are many theories. But let me just say, we all had a hell of a good time. Towards the end, it was essentially 15 people running an entire Melbourne radio station!

    As Steve Price told us at a farewell dinner on Monday, it was a two-year long party. And I’m glad I was along for the ride for 9 months.

    For an accurate summary of the events that lead to MTR’s demise, see Michael Bodey’s article in The Australian.

    In true comic style however, I chose to sign a 12-month lease on February 29 for an apartment in Hawthorn just 5 minutes from the former MTR studios in Richmond.

    48 hours later, I lost my job.

    CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!?!

    Is it too much to ask for JUST A WEEK of convenience?!!?

    I’m moving house on Saturday. So this really is the start of a new chapter in the life of DMG.

    I’ve lived in this wonderful share house in Coburg for two years. Team Bell Street rescued me from the horrid squalor of  three weeks in Altona. However, I feel it’s time to take the next step and get my own space.

    As I’ve already made this decision, this puts me in a tricky position. I will need to find another job reasonably quickly, or risk the embarrassment of being bailed out by my Mother.

    But that’s show biz, kid. Highest of highs. Lowest of lows.

    One day you’re the most important guy who ever lived. The next, you’re some schmoe working in a box factory.

    Of course, if you’re reading this and thinking your box factory could use a little more David M. Green, by all means send me an email. We have the technology.

    On the plus side, this does give me more time to dedicate to my upcoming TV game show 31 Questions. It would have been a slightly wasted opportunity, had I not been able to put 100% into what will be the largest creative project I’ve yet undertaken.

    I will be on television later this year, with or without a job. Like some sort of radio phoenix, rising from the ashes of MTR.

    I’ll leave you with a brief look at just a fraction of what I had the great privilege of doing at Melbourne Talk Radio these past 9 months. Enjoy.

    [display_podcast]

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Off the buttons. For now.

  • Subway: 10 years without cranberry sauce

    As media consumers, we hear about some of the big issues: asylum seekers, the economy, climate change. But for too long, the mainstream media have been shunning society’s real problems. Why is there no cranberry sauce at Australian Subway restaurants?

    This year marks one decade since cranberry sauce was unceremoniously removed from the popular sandwich restaurant’s sauce menu. How this is not front page news escapes me.

    But for ten years, Subway has continued to serve turkey. How have they been getting away with this? What good is turkey without cranberry? It’s like a ying without a yang. Or Lady GaGa in her birthday suit.

    Since 2002, I have been making a point to ask my Subway sandwich artist for cranberry sauce. I figured if I kept asking for it, eventually they would put it back on the menu. Sadly, not the case.

    I called head office. I asked them why they chose to remove such a fine sauce from their repertoire. Apparently the removal of cranberry was to ensure all Subway restaurants in Australia had the same menu.

    So why not have cranberry sauce at all of them? Why instigate conformity by limiting choice?

    Their recommended condiment for a six inch turkey sub is now “honey mustard”. Honestly, why don’t I just eat out of a toilet?

    I’ve tried to find a diplomatic solution. I even asked my local Subway restaurant if I could buy a jar of cranberry sauce and keep it behind the counter so I can use it at my discretion whenever I dine in.

    They told me they would only agree to it if they could let other people use MY cranberry sauce. Firstly, they can buy their own damn sauce! And secondly, well wouldn’t that therefore prove there’s a demand for it?

    In an act of desperation, on a couple of occasions I have actually brought my own cranberry sauce into Subway, with which management didn’t seem to have a problem. They had more of a problem with the knife that I also brought in to spread it. Turns out the practice of bringing knives into service stations is generally frowned upon.

    I used to love Subway. But this whole cranberry sauce ordeal has put a sour, sauce-less taste on the whole dining experience. It’s very disappointing. Might I even say un-Australian?

    If you walk into any independent Australian eatery that has sandwich-making facilities, you’ll probably be greeted by a good old Aussie battler with a wife beater singlet and a twinkle in their eye.

    Sure, he might not have all his teeth and you might have to turn a blind eye to a few hygiene issues, but you can be damn certain they’ll have the option of cranberry sauce! But not Subway.

    Eat fresh?

    I’m not so sure.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Jellied or whole berries. I don’t mind.