David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Category: Advice

  • 1983 is the year for me

    Hey Hey,

    I’ve known for many years that the period 1978-1990 is and probably will always be my all time favourite musical era. I love the synthesisers, the electric drums, the passing notes,  the suspension chords and the obscure lyrics that made New Wave what it was. But recently I believe I’ve decided that I can place an apex on what has until now been more of a musical preference plateau.

    1983. If this is it? Please let me know. Well Huey, it is. In my opinion 1983 is ’80s New Wave at its peak. Sure, there were great ’80s songs before and after, but I think 1983 had something special about it. Here are my favourite albums from 1983 (and remember, some of these were recorded in 1982, and released in ’83, and others recorded in ’83, released in ’84. As long as one of those dates (ie. recording date, release date) has a ‘3’ in it, for the purposes of this blog entry, it’s from 1983:

    1. Huey Lewis & The News – Sports
    2. Tears for Fears – The Hurting
    3. Depeche Mode – Construction Time Again
    4. Alphaville – Forever Young
    5. Howard Jones – Human’s Lib
    6. New Order – Power, Corruption and Lies
    7. Talking Heads – Speaking in Tongues
    8. Eurthymics – Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)
    9. Styx – Kilroy Was Here
    10. The B-52’s – Whammy

    All fantastic albums. I whole-heartedly recommend them. Unless you don’t like ’80s music, in which case I don’t even know why you’re on this website. An interesting note: 1983 occurred 4 years before I was born and I’ve only listened to these albums in their entirety within the last 5 years (actually, half of them within the last 1 year). So it’s not like they were passively the soundtrack to my life. I’ve gone quite out of my way to obtain and listen to these albums. Hypothetical question: Had I been born 10 or 15 years earlier, would I still claim that 1983 is my favourite year for music? Or would it be 1968 (which is also a good year, now that you mention it, well… now that I mention it, as I’m the one writing this)? I’m afraid the only way to find out involves a time machine and a lot of DNA, and I neither have the time nor the blood for such a crusade. I’d much rather sit at home and listen to a record, preferably something from the ’80s.

    By the way, this week I’ve learnt that Tears for Fears, Spandau Ballet and Huey Lewis & The News are all coming to Australia! I’m very quickly getting through my list of ’80s bands to see live, having seen The B-52’s just last month and Howard Jones about a year ago. I’ll probably see them in Melbourne, as my mid-February moving date is rapidly approaching. I’m actually going to Melbourne tomorrow to check out some potential places to live. Very exciting!

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    We all miss The News Meg, but Huey Lewis needs time to create and we all have to learn to be patient.

  • Um… The Middle?

    Hey TV fans,

    I took a rare deviation from my usual meal-time cable television ambience this evening and tuned to Channel 9. There I saw about 90 seconds of their latest US sitcom import, ABC’s “The Middle.” Even though I only watched it for 90 seconds, it was overwhelmingly obvious to me that this show is nothing but a blatant carbon copy of “Malcolm in the Middle.”

    Take a look for yourself…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pgyOqrMg–o&feature=player_embedded

    Here are the similarities I’ve passively picked up on:

    1. The title of the show “The Middle” is but one proper noun and one conjunction short of “Malcolm in the Middle.”

    2. 3 of the cast members are DEAD RINGERS for their “Malcolm in the Middle” counterparts, ie. Patricia Heaton/Jane Kaczmarek (Frankie/Lois), Neil Flynn/Bryan Cranston (Mike/Hal) & Atticus Shaffer/Erik Per Sullivan (Brick/Dewey). Not only that, they seem to be practically the same characters.

    3. Both shows are single camera, have no laugh track, use similar transitions and both employ similar musical stings that abruptly stop and start for comic effect.

    4. Patricia Heaton’s character is named “Frankie.” A possible reference to Frankie Muniz? He of course played Malcolm on “Malcolm in the Middle.”

    5. Both shows break the fourth wall and speak to the viewer directly (“Malcolm in the Middle” through Malcolm speaking directly to the camera and “The Middle” via Patricia Heaton’s voice-overs).

    Now I’m admitting I haven’t even watched a whole act of this show. Or the opening title sequence, so I’m sure there’s even more similarities. And I’m sure there’s plenty of differences too. Of course, it’s easy to criticise. I’m the first to admit there are no new ideas in comedy, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t employ some freaking subtlety! I couldn’t believe how obvious it was! Surely I’m not the only one to notice this?

    But of course, what do I care? I probably won’t watch it anyway. On the other hand, recent television shows that I wouldn’t hesitate to recommend: Mad Men, Curb Your Enthusiasm Season 7, The Cleveland Show, John Adams and John Safran’s Race Relations. All great shows I’ve seen in the last 12 months.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Marvel at my recent “star rating system” and “thumbs up/thumbs down” plug-in blogging applications!

  • Playing by your own rules

    Avast ye matie… oh wait, sorry that was last week… hello,

    I’m sure by now many of you would have heard of the recent David Letterman scandal. If not, read all about it here. Basically, some guy tried to blackmail him for $2 million. Apparently Letterman has had a few flings with some female co-workers over the years, which he admitted to on his show last night. The blackmailer has since been arrested. From what I’ve read on “The Internet” it seems most people are appalled at the blackmailer (and rightly so) but don’t seem to mind about Letterman’s affairs. To quote this article: “Reaction from Letterman fans appeared to back the popular chat show host. Kelli Lageschulte, 20, from Iowa said: ‘I wonder if he told jokes while they were having sex. He is, after all, very funny. Anyway, everybody’s doing it,’ she told The New York Daily News.”

    You do have to admit, Letterman set a good example by how he handled the situation, ie. go straight to the police and then come clean. But the guy still cheated on his girlfriend. Hey, it’s none of my business. Each to their own, of course. But personally, I’m just very disturbed by “being unfaithful.” I remember hearing some statistic a few years ago, that close to 70% of both men and women have admitted to cheating on their partner at one time or another. 70%!

    “Everybody’s doing it, so that makes it okay?” This is what troubles me. In the context of cheating, this is a bad mindset. It’s not like downloading music. People actually get hurt and it’s just not right, in my opinion anyway. I’ve never done it and I don’t think I could ever do it. If you are unsatisfied in a relationship, have the decency to end that relationship before you start another one. I’m sure there are some grey areas and there’ll be people who will argue sometimes it’s okay, eg. open relationships, separated, it’s “just sex,” etc. To them I say, you don’t need to argue with anyone else. You’ll know if you’ve done the wrong thing. That’s between you and your significant other(s). Just remember that no matter who you are, whether you’re some nobody or you’re the host of the biggest talk show on TV, you can’t just do whatever (and whoever) you want and not have to face the consequences of breaking the rules.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    And of course, blackmailing a much loved celebrity is pretty stupid too.

  • Which Bank? The one with the Appalling Grammar.

    Call me a Grammar Nazi. Call me a regular Nazi. Call me David M. Green. Although on the regular Nazi quip, you couldn’t be more wrong. You’d be better off calling me a communist. But anyway, I’m deviating from the big issue: Proper English, DAMMIT!

    Several weeks ago I was walking down Adelaide’s fabulous Rundle Mall (pause for applause from locals), and I happened to wander past the Commonwealth Bank located on the corner of Pulteney Street, and I noticed one of those fancy automated teller machines I’ve read so much about. Next to this ATM was a sign, as shown above, indicating that there “is” an additional two “ATM’s” located around the corner, for my convenience of course.

    Now I, being a proud proponent of the English language, immediately noticed the multiple examples of poor grammar, which I will now deconstruct piece by piece… Firstly, the use of the word “is” is incorrect. It should be “are” as there are multiple ATMs. Secondly, “ATM’s” does not require an apostrophe, as in this context, the ATM does not own anything, nor are any letters left out, assuming you don’t count the missing letters from Automated Teller Machine, from which the abbreviation ATM is derived. I’m willing to let the lack of a full stop go, but regardless, who ever wrote this was clearly an idiot, and even more frighteningly, an idiot who works with people’s money!

    Now, this was several weeks ago. At the time I was lunching with my good friend Gerard Kotlowy, and he actually had to go into the bank for some reason. I followed him and considered alerting the humanoid teller to the error. However, that particular week I had been working a lot at the cinema and I was sick to death of people complaining to me about ridiculous trivial things (eg. the cinema is too cold, there’s water in the bathroom, the door squeaks too much, why are you still serving popcorn at this cinema when I have written to head office to complain that it should be banned? etc.). So I thought, hey, I’ll give this guy a break. He doesn’t want some jerk, who doesn’t even bank with them (although I used to, back in the ’90s, but that’s a different story); giving him an English lecture on, let’s face it, an insignificant matter and a waste of everyone’s time. So I did nothing, assuming that someone else would surely bring it up. Not the case.

    Literally, this was back in April, and the sign is still there! So I thought it was high time I took a photo of it and ridiculed the organisation, in detail and in blog form. This is the 21st Century after all. I don’t like it any more than you do, but this is how things are done now…

    So, in conclusion, my message to the Commonwealth Bank: Hey CB, if you’re increasing your interest rates by 10 basis points, the least you can do is buy a dictionary and throw it at who ever wrote that sign. Also, fix the sign. And the guy who wrote it too, I guess. After all, you just threw a dictionary at him. Or her. Not sexist.

    I’m David M. Green.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Improper English is something with which up, I shall not put.

  • Personal Editorial: The Adelaide Advertiser is Crap

    Greetings, 

    The Advertiser: The long established appalling tabloid newspaper circulated in and around the Adelaide metropolitan area. Oh, it’s bad. There’s no question. Oh… wait, there is. “Okay David, why is it bad THIS TIME?” Well, I’m glad you asked. Hold onto your knees, as I prepare to answer…

    Pick up The Advertiser on any given day and you’ll find numerous examples of pointless articles about “celebrities” or someone making an issue of nothing, or Amber Petty’s two cents worth. You know, they took the 2-cent coin out of circulation for a reason. If The Advertiser had any sense, which it clearly doesn’t, it would round Amber’s column down to zero. But it doesn’t stop there. The Confidential section, the 2-page spread for entertainment gossip, is usually a collection of tiny paragraphs about the relationships of TV and sporting personalities, something else about Amber Petty and a big article with some no-name model who no one cared about until she landed an overseas contract and is now leaving the country, forever to be referred to as “OUR (insert model’s name here).” And don’t get me started on the opinion section, even though it’s probably an appropriate place to voice it. Where do they find these people? And why don’t they ever print my hilarious opinions? Especially this one… Hehehe…

    But enough with this abuse. It’s starting to feel a bit “negative.” Let me jump to a couple of specific examples to justify my earlier statement that The Advertiser is crap. In today’s edition there was an interview with B-52s frontman Fred Schneider. I love The B-52s and thanks to this article, I’ve learnt they’re coming to Adelaide later in the year! Horay! However, Ha-ha-have a read of this…

    “Fred Schneider, the frontman of U.S. band the B-52s, has a message for those who label them retro. “We’ve never been an oldies band because we don’t age.” Schneider says in his unmistakable voice. That voice has dominated such hits as Rock Lobster, Private Idaho, Love Shack and Roam.” – Cameron Adams, “B-52s Still Explosive,” The Advertiser, June 11 2009.

    WAIT A SECOND… ROAM? Fred Schneider’s “unmistakable” voice “dominated” the B-52’s 1989 hit single “Roam?” Cameron Adams, have you even listened to that song? Fred Schneider ISN’T IN IT AT ALL! Listen to it again and you’ll find the only two “unmistakable” voices are those of Kate Pierson and Cindy Wilson. There’s no Fred Schneider. If he was in it, you’d know. After all, his voice is “unmistakable.” It’s not like Cameron has mistaken him for another male voice. There are no male voices on that track! Just the beautiful harmonics of the band’s two female singers.

    And so, this has lead me to believe that Cameron Adams thought he could get away with pretending he knew a little something about The B-52s, by getting a bit fancy with singers’ names and song titles. I should know, as I use the same technique to pretend I know stuff too. What he’s obviously done is looked up “The B-52s” on Wikipedia, had a quick look at their discography and jotted down a few of the big singles (Rock Lobster, Love Shack, Roam) and chucked in a lesser known one too just for the hell of it (Private Idaho), you know, make it seem like he knows what he’s talking about. But stupidly, he forgot that Fred Schneider’s unique style of spoken lyrics did not appear on one of those particular tracks (Roam). His mistake is comparable to saying: “I love the way John Lennon sings on Yesterday.”

    Now, I’m sure in all fairness, it was probably just a simple mistake. Will there be a correction in the next edition? I doubt it… Mistakes like this reinforce my strong opinion that The Advertiser is written by idiots, for idiots. It treats the readers like idiots, and in effect helps to turn them into idiots. Here’s one more for you… It’s a bit of an old one but it stuck in my mind and it seems relevant to bring it up here. How appalling is this:

    “(Rove) McManus, who was named on a shortlist to replace US talk host Conan O’Brien on The Late Show, lost the high-profile job to Hollywood actor Jimmy Kimmel.”– Peta Hellard, “McManus Rejected for Talkshow Gig,” The Sunday Times (& re-printed in The Advertiser), May 13 2008.

    Uh… What? Dear God where do I start… Well, first, Conan O’Brien was the host of “LATE NIGHT” not “The Late Show.” Mr Hellard had clearly confused Conan O’Brien with David Letterman, host of “The Late Show.” And it’s not like there was a recent change to the show titles. It had been like that since 1993! Secondly, Conan O’Brien wasn’t replaced with Jimmy Kimmel. He was replaced with Jimmy FALLON! Jesus… and was there a correction the next day? To be honest, I don’t really remember… but I don’t think so. I managed to find that article online. You can read it here. What’s even more unbelievable is the reporter, Peta Hellard, is The Sunday Times’ “Man in Los Angeles.” This guy LIVES in LA. I’m from Adelaide and we don’t even get Late Night with Conan O’Brien on free-to-air TV here and I knew more than he did. I could be their “Man in LA.” Apparently all I need to do is write fiction and throw in a few names. If it makes sense, great. If it’s true, well that’s irrelevant. Oh yeah, one final point: ROVE as host of Late Night? Come on… Although to be honest, he could probably do a better job than Jimmy Fallon… Who’s with me?

    So in conclusion, the world is full of idiots. And many of them read The Advertiser. Some of them write for The Advertiser. And I’m talking about “The Advertiser” in the general sense now. Maybe where you’re from “The Advertiser” is some other generic tabloid newspaper? Maybe it’s an ill informed talk radio host? Or, if you’re from Adelaide, your Advertiser happens to be the actual Advertiser. So my advice to you would be, maybe just think about what you hear in the press before taking it at face value. You should probably cross reference it with a couple of websites or something. Hey, feel free to ask me. And beware the idiots. They’re EVERYWHERE!

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    I’m living in my own Private Idaho, on the ground like a wild potato