David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Category: Advice

  • Time Travel IS POSSIBLE!

    I did it.

    Last Friday night, I successfully travelled back in time to 1984, when Jemima and I went to the Wallis Mainline Drive-in movie theatre in Adelaide’s fabulous northern suburbs!

    I hadn’t been to the drive-in since 1995, when my Dad took my sister and I to a Jim Carey double feature (The Mask + Dumb & Dumber) at what is now a housing estate opposite the Warradale barracks. But 48 hours ago I was living the in-vehicle outdoor cinema experience once again, sitting in my car watching Star Trek XI (great!) and Wolverine (ok) at the Gepps Cross drive-in with my best gal by my side. A fantastic date, ’twas.

    But it was also sad… The place was filled to perhaps 15% of capacity, and the staff, as well as the facilities, were aged long past the prime of their respected “hay-days.” The snack bar decor clearly hadn’t been updated since the place opened in 19(cough cough)8. Pastel shades of pink and blue and “candy” spelled as “Kandi” greeted the motor-movie patrons upon entry. Surprisingly, the prices were cheaper than what one would expect to pay at a traditional cinema, with a much larger range of confectioneries and hot foods too.

    Outside, waist-high white poles with red tops marked recommended locations to park and view. Some of them also featured broken and rusting speaker boxes, relics of a by-gone era, as the audio is now broadcast on an FM frequency and listened to via each car’s own audio system. As I’m not an idiot, I of course remembered to turn on the engine between the two movies, to avoid a flat battery. At least one other car forgot to do this. I imagine flat batteries must occur so often at the drive-in, I was surprised they didn’t have a warning during the previews. I was also pondering… I wonder, if one lived nearby the drive-in, theoretically one could “pirate” a movie’s soundtrack by tuning their radio to (I forget the frequency) and recording using a few blank cassettes? Would there be a market for bootleg audio cassettes of latest release movies? Something to listen to in the car perhaps?

    In conclusion, a good old-fashioned, wholesome fun night out, with movies, cars and plenty of frotteurism in the dark. I highly recommend it. The drive-in, that is. Obviously, bring your own car and girlfriend.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Enjoyer of fine Kandi

  • Booth Reviews from the Booth Connoisseur

    Hello booth enthusiasts!

    FINALLY! There is now a source of wisdom, experience and an archive of booth reviews from someone with an honorary mail-order degree in “booth-onomy” (i.e. me), for all your booth seating needs!

    As anyone who knows me knows already, if there’s one type of seating I would willingly take a bullet for, it’s booth seating. Call it nostalgia. Call it insecurity. Call the authorities. I love booths, and I make no apologies, except to maybe some of the restaurant staff I’ve complained to in the past due to the lack of adequate booths. I know it’s not your fault, you just work there, but I’m passionate about parking my arse, and let me tell you, nothing beats backing your butt into a well-designed booth. But that’s just the thing… in Adelaide, it’s hard to find a good booth these days…

    Oh, I’ve travelled to America. I’ve experienced perfection when it comes to booth seating. So that’s why I’ve decided to put my experience, opinion and humongous ego to good use, for once. From now on, every time I dine in a booth, I shall make some notes and document the experience in blog form, for those of you who share my love of booths, and who might want to save some time by skipping the crap ones. Of course, many of you will say “what good is a booth if the food is terrible?” Good point. That certainly is a factor in forming an opinion of a restaurant, eatery or any other food emporium. But menu quality has little correlation to booth quality. Booths are a whole different kettle of fish. Indeed, being served an actual kettle of fish doesn’t necessarily immediately indicate a bad booth… Although surely that restaurant has other problems; kitchen staff with dementia, for one… Regardless, my booth reviews will be just that: a review of The Booth.

    For my inaugural booth review, I chose the 1950’s-themed Hungry Jacks (or “Jaccas,” which is a term my good friend Adam Navarro is trying to popularise) at Westfield Marion shopping centre, located in the southern suburbs of Adelaide, South Australia, pictured above (taken by photography’s Tim Wray).

    Marion Hungry Jack’s (Jacca’s) Booth Review

    Cleanliness:                    3 Booth Units3 Booth Units3 Booth Units

    Fair. Some remaining crumbs from previous booth-goers.

    Material:                          3 Booth Units3 Booth Units3 Booth Units

    Fair. Pleasing colour scheme. Although the back part of the booth was cushioned, the base was not, giving the appearance the booth was only half-constructed.

    Comfort:                          4 Booth Units4 Booth Units4 Booth Units4 Booth Units

    Good contour. Despite half-finished appearances, the booth was actually quite comfortable.

    Depth:Height Ratio:        4.5 Booth Units4.5 Booth Units4.5 Booth Units4.5 Booth Units4.5 Booth Units

    Very good. Near perfect. Back of the booth could be a little higher.

    Distance to Table:          3.5 Booth Units3.5 Booth Units3.5 Booth Units3.5 Booth Units

    Good. Could be a little more enclosed (for my liking, anyway. I’m 183cm and 73kg for those who are interested).

    Overall Score:    72%

    Good. An enjoyable dining experience, but by far not the perfect booth.

    Stay tuned to this website (bad analogy) for more booth reviews some other time in the future, you know… if I feel like doing another one.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Dining at a booth near you

  • Grandma’s Funeral and thoughts on Life

    Hello,

    Yesterday I attended my Grandma’s funeral at the beautiful Middlebrook Estate in McLaren Vale. It was a fitting service. I remember Grandma once told me she never wore black to a funeral, preferring instead to wear bright blue. So at her request, none of the guests wore black. It was one of the most brightly dressed groups of people I’ve seen. I myself wore a blue tie.

    Grandma loved clothes and designed many of her own outfits, and some of them were on display, as were some of her paintings she had painted herself. She really did make the most of life. She got out there and loved trying new things and loved showing her friends and family a good time. The music at the funeral reflected her love of musicals. And at the end, a lone bag-piper played ‘Amazing Grace’ as her hearse drove away. I couldn’t help but be reminded of the end sequence of ‘Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Kahn,’ but I was probably in the minority. Even so, it made the moment no less moving.

    I even learnt some things about her I didn’t know, especially about her younger years. For example, I had no idea she wanted to be an actress and joined a theatre company, and then for a while, she wanted to be a journalist. I’d almost forgotten she used to do a lot of creative writing. She encouraged me too when I began to show an interest in it. And at age 19, after a failed romance, she ran away with a friend to Melbourne and worked at a hotel. It sounded almost like a movie. Speaking of which, another interesting fact (that I knew already), in 1945 at the age of 15, she talked her way into a job as an usherette at the Regency theatre on Rundle Street, when at the time the minimum age for an usherette was 18. And funnily enough, on an interesting side note, I myself currently work at a cinema on Rundle Street.

    It was truly a celebration of the life of Terri Lawlor-Smith. No religious stuff. Just her life story, some testimonials, some anecdotes, lots of bright colours, delicious food and uplifting music. Some may say it wasn’t your “traditional” funeral, but really, who are they? It’s exactly the way Grandma would want us to remember her. She lived in the moment. She used to say she never worried about yesterday, because you couldn’t change it, and it wasn’t worth worrying about tomorrow, because it might never come. If there’s one thing we can learn from the life of my Grandma, it’s to remember that life is a precious gift. So don’t waste it sitting in a darkened room watching reality television, getting angry over something insignificant or worrying about the future. I mean sure, there’s a time and a place; don’t be reckless. But remember to enjoy yourself. You only get one shot at it. No regrets. And be nice to people, or at the very least, be less of a jerk, because life is just too short to worry. Live.

    Yours sincerely,
    David M. Green

  • Lack of Seating Forces Sketch Comedian to Stand…-Up

    Good (insert appropriate time period here),

    Hello again, David M. Green… I mean, I’M David M. Green. I’m not calling YOU David M. Green and saying hello to you. That would be inefficient. Only a hand-full of other people in the world are called David M. Green… Also, it’s pretty silly. My apologies… BUT ANYWHO… Last Thursday I comically stood-up and did some stand-up comedy at Adelaide’s fabulous “The Rhino Room.” Funnier than the last time. Plus I wore a tie! Enjoy!

    http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=Kw9Pg8BET1A

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Card-carrying member of ‘The Blood Club’

  • How to Waste Steve Carell’s Time!

    Hey folks,

    If you want to know how to waste Hollywood actor and comedian Steve Carell’s precious time, this is the blog entry for you! The following expert advice can help you achieve your goal of wasting the time of not only Steve Carell, but a veritable plethora of celebrities, actors, musicians, war veterans, elected officials and anyone else who works for a living, and who’s time equals money. Here’s what you need to do:

    1. Arrange an interview or gain access to a press conference with celebrity, eg. Steve Carell.
    2. Don’t see his/her new movie/song/policy, eg. The 40 Year Old Virgin.
    3. Don’t prepare any relevant questions.

    IT’S JUST THAT EASY! And now with the Internet, not only can you waste Steve Carell’s time, but thousands of suckers searching YouTube for entertainment. Here’s an example from avid celebrity time-waster and self, David M. Green:

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Go fourth and annoy!