David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Category: Bad Grammar

  • The idiots. They walk among us…

    People are idiots. Evidence as follows:

    Fine coffee. Appalling punctuation.

    Every week I see menus with shocking spelling. Now would be the time your usual bad-grammar-blogger would mock the “Chinglish” found at Asian restaurants, but hey, how about a little class?

    Let’s make fun of Italians!

    Spot the mistakes:

    Assuming you ignore the capital letters, did you spot all of these:

    These are printed menus, by the way… What a joke!

    I was at a Williamstown ice-creamery recently. Take a gander at their Licorice Licks:

    It’s the flavour that demands followers!

    Now for some numerical idiocy:

    That 8 looks a little top-heavy…

    And finally, ha-ha-have a look at this sign:

    Wait a minute… let’s have a closer look…

    Yes, who could forget one of Melbourne’s favourite beach-side suburbs… Bondi.

    WHAA!?!

    Unless by “made” they mean “post-produced”, I’m pretty sure Bondi Vet is made in Sydney.

    Maybe they mean the SIGN was made in Melbourne?

    People, aye? No freaking idea.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Sure, everyone makes mistakes, but JESUS!

  • I want candy… wait, what?

    On a recent peruse through the supermarket aisles, searching to satisfy my notorious sweet tooth, I came across a small spelling discrepancy. Allow me to illustrate…

    Exhibit A – Foodland, Brighton, SA

    Exhibit E – Woolworths, Coburg, Vic.

    I am confused. To be honest, I wasn’t completely sure which version was correct.

    But to my surprise, believe it or not, according to dictionary.com, BOTH spellings are acceptable:

    “Confectionery”
    noun, plural -er·ies
    1. confections or sweetmeats collectively.
    2. the work or business of a confectioner.
    3. a confectioner’s shop.

    “Confectionary”
    noun, plural -ar·ies
    1. a candy; sweetmeat.
    2. a place where confections are kept or made.
    3. confectionery.
    adjective
    4. pertaining to or of the nature of confections or their production.

    Go figure.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    For the record, I purchased Fruchocs at Foodland and a MilkyBar at Woolworths. HmmmMMMMmmmm… Ohhhh yeeeessss…

  • You thought Tiger Airways was incompetent…

    On one of my frequent trips to Coburg’s  fabulous Sydney Road (on a quest for some new tea towels) I dropped by one of those dirt cheap discount shops – you know, the ones over-stocked with Southeast Asian merchandise – when I came across this gem:

    Oooh… The “Aerobus”!

    But wait… That’s clearly an Airbus A380 inside. Even if you chalk the missing under-wing engine to creative license (The A380 has two engines on each wing), it’s clearly presented in A380 livery.

    But hang on… I’m confused?

    Why is it labeled as “Aerobus” if it’s an Airbus?

    And take a closer look at that silhouette. That doesn’t look like an Airbus. Maybe it’s one of these “Aerobuses” I’ve heard so much about?

    Or maybe it’s a silhouette of THIS plane, which is on the opposite corner of the box:

    Ah yes, the Boeing 787 Dreamliner. Of course. And this is related to the “Aerobus” how? Well, it’s a plane, I guess.

    Sure, it’s a different model of plane, and sure, it’s produced by a different manufacturer. But all planes are the same, right?

    According to “Aerobus”, these are some fine qualities you should look for in an aircraft:

    Frequent Flyer
    If they’re referring to the aircraft, I suppose this is a good thing. Yes, the “Aerobus” does frequently fly.

    Real Comfort
    Fantastic! I’m so over other airlines “unreal” comfort with their virtual seats and imaginary in-flight entertainment systems.

    Chief Efficient
    Well that’s lovely.

    Science Refreshed
    Why, who on Earth would want science that’s gone way past its use-by date? I’m sure the “Aerobus” corporation wouldn’t accept any aerospace engineering that had been out of the fridge for more than a couple of days.

    They’re really selling their plane on comfort:

    Am I to understand one can actually walk around, take a seat, relax, feel the “speace” AND enjoy the comfort?

    What is this, a PLANE FOR ANTS!?!

    It’s a toy! You can’t take a seat in it! For one, there are no seats in it! IT’S JUST A PLASTIC SHELL!

    The only comfort you’ll get from this model plane is if you’re one of those people who enjoys inserting things into yourself… Would that mean you qualify for the Mile High Club?

    This reminds me of that Simpsons episode where Mr Burns designs the “Spruce Moose”, a plane that can “fly 200 passengers from New York’s Idlewild Airport to the Belgian Congo in 17 minutes!”

    Mr Burns attempts to force Smithers at gunpoint into the plane, which is only a model, probably smaller than the “Aerobus” above.

    So in conclusion, people are idiots.

    Still, could be worse. It could say “Tiger Airways” on the side.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    No complaints about their selection of tea towels though.

  • Idiots & apostrophes

    I couldn’t believe the above typo when I saw it. On a poster for the  new Channel Nine TV series In Their Footsteps, they make one of the simplest mistakes in the English language… They forget the apostrophe. Our “NATIONS” heroes?

    Unfortunately, those posters are on bus shelters, tram stops and train stations all over Melbourne, and presumably, the rest of the country as well. How did that one get through the proof-readers? Unbelievable.

    Do you think those brave diggers were battling in the trenches, knee-deep in crimson mud, so that we could all prance about back home making up our own God damn grammatical rules as we go along?!? I DON’T THINK SO!

    Could be worse. They could have called the show “In There Footsteps” – one path that I hope we do not follow.

    What isn’t to understand about the apostrophe?

    If people aren’t leaving them out, they’re sticking them where they don’t belong, like the “well-educated” folks at Burnside Village. This snap was taken in Adelaide by my good friend Tim Wray:

    Obviously a grasp of proper apostrophe use isn’t one of Burnside Village’s “Must have’s” this Mother’s Day.

    I’m not 100% on “Mother’s Day” either. Really, shouldn’t it be “Mothers’ Day”, as it’s a day for ALL mothers, not just one?

    Let’s run through the basics.

    Plurals do not require apostrophes!

    The only exception to this rule is when to not use an apostrophe would create more confusion. For example, to write “Cross the t’s and dot the i’s” is more appropriate than “Cross the ts and dot the is”. Both versions however, are more appropriate than “Cross the i’s and dot the t’s”, but that’s another issue.

    We use apostrophes to imply ownership. For example, “this is David’s apostrophe”. If we’re talking about a collective ownership, such as a group of people, we would say: “the mouth-breathers’ grammatical skills need some work”.

    Lastly, we use apostrophes to indicate missing letter(s). For example, “they are” can be contracted to “they’re” with the help of our old friend, the apostrophe.

    Don’t have time to take the omnibus to the supermarket? Take the ‘bus instead!

    Now do as I do and go out there and use this knowledge of apostrophes to make yourself feel like a big man!

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Two apostrophes in every garage.

  • More bad grammar

    It’s been a while since my successful grammatical stand against the Commonwealth Bank, so if you’re in need of a reminder, check out BEFORE and AFTER David’s M. Green’s red correction pen.

    In the mean time I’ve accumulated a few more examples of bad grammar and general incompetence, so back by popular demand… it’s David M. Green: Grammar Nazi!

    What’s worse than finding human faeces in your hotel swimming pool?

    Well… actually, I’d probably prefer the bad grammar:

    Don’t worry. Darryl will sort you out.

    Went to see a movie at the Hoyts cinema at Melbourne’s fabulous Northland Shopping Centre the other day. Ain’t that just humanity at its worst?

    They’re not the kind of folk that take too kindly to outsiders, NEITHER their food NOR drink:

    And here’s an amusing Facebook slip-up from my good friend Rebecca McKinney. No explanation required:

    Jesus, what kind of stitch pattern is she using? She might have to give Darryl a call…

    Grammatical mistakes happen to the best of us. Stuff on Facebook is pretty forgivable, but once it’s printed and turned into signage – especially when it’s big business – grammar fans, let the mockery begin!

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    David M. Green: Grammar Nazi will return in “The Spellcheck Is Not Enough”.