David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Category: Melbourne

  • No car winter

    Yes, not quite as bad as “nuclear winter” but “no car winter”, or indeed, a no car year-long lifestyle is something that takes a little adjusting to. Hello, I’m David M. Green.

    This month marked the end of another motoring era, for me anyway. I’ve been without access to my 2001 Toyota Corolla Seca since I moved to Melbourne in February. However, just recently my Mum sold it for me. So even if I were to return to Adelaide, it would be unlikely that I’d be able to drive it, obviously because it now belongs to someone else.

    Had a lot of good times in/with that car…

    I originally got it because my 1986 Toyota Corolla Seca was beginning to consume about the same amount of oil as petrol, and there was a chance that I’d have to commute regularly to Murray Bridge, when I applied for a radio job there. So Mum wanted me to have a safer car. She helped me with the finances too, as this was during an extended period of unemployment (after GameTraders but before SAFM).

    I recall I hated it at first. There wasn’t enough room around the pedals, everything was too sensitive and at just the wrong angle compared to my previous car, so I had to develop different muscles in my legs. It took some getting used to. The other big drawback was its lack of a clock. Can you believe that? A car made in 2001 didn’t have a clock in it! Ridiculous.

    I had my first kiss in that car, amongst other things I won’t get into right now. Good times… Ohohoho… VERY good times…

    I also delivered many a pizza. Fun times.

    Had some not so good times too. Like the time I spun out on my way to a radio job interview in Berri. I was extremely lucky not to total the car, or myself, or anyone else. Amazingly there was no damage. I just got out, had a drink of water, reassessed my life, and continued driving for another 2 hours to the job interview. Driving is dangerous. I never told my parents about that. I didn’t want them to be worried if I actually got the job and had to commute regularly back to Adelaide on weekends. It doesn’t matter if they find out now. They don’t read my blog anyway!

    With my previous car, the ’86 version, I had a quirk of keeping track of the wildlife I’d destroyed with the car, and so on the side window I kept miniatures, just like an aircraft after a successful bombing raid. By the end I had 5 little bird stickers. And before you start writing angry letters to the RSPCA, may I point out I’m not a monster. It was more a form of remembrance. I certainly wasn’t TRYING to run over those birds. Well, definitely not the first few anyway.

    But not being one to heavily repeat material, I didn’t bother doing that for the ’01 model. I did do something with stickers, although not as interesting. I placed radio station stickers on my rear bumper. However, to be awarded a coveted bumper space, I had to have operated the radio control panel at that station. Hence the two station stickers below:

    Although I also appeared on Fresh 92.7FM, 891 ABC Adelaide and the Triple M Network during the time I had that car, I didn’t actually operate the panel at any of those stations. Hmm… specific, aye? Aside from the sentimentality, the bumper stickers also really came in handy when identifying my highly popular mass-produced car in a crowded parking lot. So it was also practical.

    I also left all my Flinders University parking permit stickers on the front windscreen, even though the most recent one expired in February 2008. The 2005 one was never valid for that car. I peeled it off the ’86 model and stuck it on the ’01 model when I bough it! Just for decoration.

    But anyway, I live in Melbourne now and I’m without a car. In fact I’ve only driven a car once since February. I can’t say I miss the expense. However, I do miss driving. Driving’s fun! There have been a few times when I’ve found myself late at night waiting 15 minutes for a tram to take me home on a 45 minute tram-ride, and really wishing I had my car. Sometimes it’s just great to hit the open road on a long drive, ’80s New Wave music blasting out the windows; something I did regularly in Adelaide.

    But a car is an unnecessary luxury in Melbourne. You don’t really need one. It would be a lot harder to do without a car in Adelaide. I love the trams. Although a few more east-west lines in the northern suburbs would be nice. See! I knew this would happen! You’re bedazzled by the marvelous Melbourne metro transport network at first, but after you live here for a while you start to discover its limitations. Happens to the best of us.

    I think the biggest problem is that grocery shopping is limited to what I can carry. That’s a bummer.

    So in conclusion, I’m getting by without a car (and a job for that matter), although I do occasionally miss the benefits of time-saving as well as the sheer pleasuring of driving. But you know, good for the environment and all that crap. Al Gore, you’re okay.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Adelaide Driver

  • Live Television Debut!

    Greetings!

    Very exciting week last week: it was my turn to be on Newsline! I was the sports correspondent on May 18 2010 under the weighted anchoring of TV’s Ben Hagemann and Alicia Muling. The programme broadcast live on Channel 31 Melbourne from 4pm to 4:30pm.

    Coming to Melbourne and studying television journalism at RMIT has really opened my eyes to the practicalities of television production. It’s an incredible organisational feat. So much preparation goes into it. There’s a crew of about 15 people behind the scenes and putting together a 30-minute news programme and broadcasting LIVE five days a week is amazing. It still surprises me that we actually get to do this (as students, not professionals remember… not yet anyway).

    Special thanks also to TV’s Jill Singer, executive producer for Newsline. I can’t imagine the effort she’s put into getting this show off the ground. She’s done a wonderful job.

    Without beating around the bush, or using excessive cliches, I absolutely loved this. Each show has two hosts and three correspondents (news, business and sport). In some ways it’s actually harder to be a correspondent, as you’re up in a small room on your own with a green screen behind you and a camera pointed at your head, and unlike the hosts, the correspondents don’t get no autocue. All that presenting experience for YouTube sure came in handy.

    Even though I had to glance at my notes occasionally to remember some names, I’m very happy with my performance. I took it seriously. And how many opportunities does anyone get to do LIVE TV these days? How many shows are even done live anymore? And the people on those shows are mostly weathered TV veterans. Newsline and the resources at RMIT University provide an invaluable experience for newcomers to the industry, such as myself, and I am very grateful for the opportunity.

    Here are some snapshots of that day’s creation of Newsline, a voyeristic peak into the magic of student television news:

    This shan’t be my only dabble in television, of that I can assure you.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Photos my Yinmin Maung with Ben Hagemann’s camera.

  • Sports! (Not the Huey Lewis kind)

    Greetings!

    This just to hand: I, David M. Green, will now be the “sports correspondent” on Channel 31 Melbourne’s “Newsline” on Tuesday May 17 2010 at 4pm. Anchoring that day will be the veritable Ben Hagemann and the actual Alicia Muling. So tune in to see RMIT student journalism in its purest televisual form.

    Little known fact about myself: I actually played Australian Rules football for 3 years back in the mid to late 1990s. Some good times, like singing along to that Goldburn Valley sliced peaches commercial circa 1996 featuring the “Oarsome Foursome”… although it’s only incidental we were at football training at the time. And some bad times too, like the time I “accidentally” broke a bottle at the top of the Brighton Rugby Club stadium and watched in horror as broken glass bounced down most of the concrete steps, echoing around the entire ground and alerting security. True story.

    Unfortunately there probably won’t be any badminton results to report; another one of my former sporting passions. Possibly some golf news though… Tune in.

    But in all seriousness, it’s a proper news show. I will actually be reporting on the sporting news of the day in a professional manner.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    This is the only sporting-related photo of myself I could find at short notice:

  • You’re terminated. (Get the movie reference?)

    Greetings,

    David M. Green. How do you do?

    Been another one of those crazy weeks. Had something in particular happen to me that I considered not mentioning on this, my website, but I came to the conclusion I simply had to. Plus it’s just easier to put it here so I don’t have to keep repeating it to everyone. The following is completely true.

    For just under three months I’ve been working at the Cinema Nova on fabulous Lygon Street, Carlton.

    On Tuesday, I was fired.

    Regular readers may recall I walked in there one day in January with my resume and I was literally hired on the spot. This can be credited to my unblemished 12 months at the Palace Nova Cinema in Adelaide.

    I began officially working at the Cinema Nova February 17. At the end of my second shift the manager (aka “The Big Cheese”) took me aside and said, “It’s like you’ve never worked in a cinema before,” and, “If you don’t lift your game I’m going to have to let you go”. When I asked what the problem was, all he offered was my lack of “oomph”. When I asked for him to be more specific, his response was, “No, I’m just going to keep it vague at this point.”

    “The Big Cheese” later clarified he said this to me on my second shift “to put the fear of God into me”. Because that makes a productive employee, doesn’t it? Constant fear of termination.

    Last Friday, I got my first box office training shift. A coveted honour at Cinema Nova. When I arrived I saw “The Big Cheese”. I thanked him for the shift. His reaction was, “Well, I hope you realise this is your last chance to impress me, because it’s clear you’re not getting the floor and you’re obviously not enjoying it”. I had no idea what he was talking about.

    And this one, I loved. He said last week he’d heard a “report” that when I was standing at the podium (aka “the gate”) checking tickets and directing customers to the correct cinema, I turned to one of the other employees and asked, “Hey, am I supposed to be checking these tickets?” “The Big Cheese” then surmised, “If you’ve been here for two and a half months and you don’t even know how to check tickets, I don’t know why you’re still working here.”

    I responded, logically, by pointing out that it was obviously a throw away joke (I tend to make those, it’s kind of a habit you may have noticed), and that exactly, it doesn’t make sense that I would ask that after three months of doing it. Furthermore, how exactly would I even be able to direct customers to the right cinema if I wasn’t reading it off the ticket? It’s simply ridiculous.

    The box office shift went well. Of course, it was my first one there so I couldn’t possibly master all the vouchers and button combinations in a mere 90 minutes. I’m not sure exactly how I was supposed to “impress” “The Big Cheese” anyway, considering he wasn’t actually observing me.

    Tuesday I receive a phone call. It’s “The Big Cheese” informing me that after careful consideration, he’s decided “he’s going to have to let me go”. Naturally, I ask why. He says that my work performance is inadequate and there’s been “reports” that I’ve been rude to customers and don’t work well with the other staff.

    Now, when my Dad drove me to the airport back in February, he offered just one piece of advice to help me on my move to Melbourne. And that was: “Don’t take any crap from people.” And there was no better time to apply it than right then.

    So I told “The Big Cheese” the facts. In three months I’d never been late for a shift. I’d stayed back late on numerous occasions, most of the time for no additional pay, to finish work that needed to be done. I got along well with customers, often sharing a joke, and regularly received compliments, one of which was “Oh, a friendly Nova employee! That’s a nice change!” I worked well with the other staff, certainly had no problems brought to my attention. And I worked just as hard as everyone else.

    I also took the opportunity to point out a couple of qualms I had with his style of management. In the end, all he could say was, “Well I’m going to have to disagree with you there.”

    It’s simply absurd. I challenge anyone to call the other customer service jobs I worked at regularly and find someone who can say I wasn’t consistently competent and outstanding. I worked at the Palace Nova Cinema in Adelaide for a year. It was a fantastic job. I loved it and they loved me.

    So anyway, that’s it. I no longer work at Cinema Nova. I’m glad to be honest. I must say I found the culture of intimidation and fear – which actually amounts to a form of bullying, if you want to get technical (and legal, which lucky for them I don’t) – unappealing. Out of the major things in my life right now (uni, home, work) working at that cinema was what I least looked forward to, specifically because the whole time I worked there, I was constantly thinking, “Any moment now, I’m going to get fired.” Try working under those conditions. Life is too short. Especially as it’s a cinema, not a nuclear power station.

    I will of course miss the good friends I’ve made and it’ll be sad not to see them every week. Keep it real guys and gals. Thanks for those who supported me and stuck up for me. There were at least two people who didn’t. They know who they are. To them I say good luck. I’m sure you’ll go far.

    One thing positive I will say about Cinema Nova, they make great choc-tops. I’ll certainly miss those. I’ll also miss the free popcorn. Although I picked up a garbage bag full of it last week. That should last me a while:

    Feel free to share your stories of termination by commenting below.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Unemployed.

  • David M. Green presents: April in Melbourne. With pictures.

    Ahoy!

    Life is good. But it’s been so jam-packed with stuff I haven’t had much of a chance to spend a solitary evening blogging about it. So for those who care, my apologies. For those who don’t, well maybe consider putting a little more effort into dedicating your lives to following mine. Na, you’re okay. You’ve done well.

    I’ve really noticed a massive change in my social life since moving to Melbourne. I’m just talking more. A product of being around more people: at uni, at the share-house and hanging out with people pretty much whenever I get a chance. It’s good. I must have spent a lot of time on my own last year. Uni really changes things. Especially this post-graduate environment. It’s completely different from undergraduate. Much more comradery. It’s a good thing. Of course at times I do also get sick of these people… Na, they’re okay. They’ve done well.

    Things to report on:

    RMITV
    I auditioned for RMITV Student Television’s “Studio A” live late night comedy/variety show. I was quite happy with the audition. I presented a 60 second monologue to camera and then conducted an “interview” with local Melbourne comedy personality Tommy Little. Unfortunately I didn’t get an on-camera role, or a writing role. But I’m happy to report you’re reading the blog of RMITV’s newest “Script Editor” for Studio A. This will allow me to take my Nazi-like stance on grammar to bizarre new places. But hey, this was the whole reason I moved to Melbourne so just glad to be on the team. I believe the show should go to air around June on Channel 31. More details coming soon…

    I was also a member of the crew for the Channel 31 production of “Tough Times”. It’s an interview show hosted by Michael Kuzilny and filmed at RMITV studios. For the first two shows I was a vision mixer (or “switcher”), and I must say, I LOVED it. Great fun. It’s not the direct TV equivalent of radio panel-operating. Technically that would be monitoring the audio recording for the TV show. But vision mixing gives you the same great feeling when you do a good cross from one camera to the other, just like a good crossfade between songs. Ah, it was great! I also helped out with camera and audio, but vision mixing was by far my favourite role. Of course, as much as I enjoyed that, I’d much rather be hosting the show itself. Maybe not that particular show, but the role of “host” is more attractive to me.

    Oh yes, that reminds me. I’ll be hosting the first live “Newsline” for 2010 on Monday May 17 on Channel 31 Melbourne with my glamorous co-host Lucy Ormonde. Looking forward to that!

    Catalyst
    RMIT Student Magazine “Catalyst” printed my interview with Shaun Micallef in “Edition 2” a couple of weeks ago. Copies are available from the various RMIT University Melbourne campuses. I presume it will also be put online (although as at May 6 2010 it’s still not there). So I guess keep checking out HERE until it’s uploaded. Unfortunately the fabulous editors forgot to print a link to this website so readers could read the complete Micallef interview (they also changed the title, as editors do, to “Talkin’ Bout Shaun Micallef”…sigh…). They assure me the link will be in the next edition to direct people to the complete Tim Vine audio interview. No hard feelings towards the editors, of course. They’ve done well.

    They also printed a short autobiographical article of mine titled “Throwing it all away”, where I discuss the tribulations of dating and drinking. I’ll post that article directly on this website at some point, as I kinda like it.

    Radio
    Still working on that one. Got a few leads but nothing of much interest. I’ll have something to report soon. God I miss it though…

    Stand-up
    I recently realised that, like back in Adelaide, no one is going to take me seriously as a comedian until I do regular stand-up (which I’m not too thrilled about, but hey, what can you do?). So I booked myself in at “The Comic’s Lounge” in fabulous North Melbourne for an open mic spot on Tuesday May 18 from 8:30PM. I’ve just got to get noticed in Melbourne. It’ll be interesting to see how the crowds are different. I’ve heard several stories from Melbourne performers here about how their shows were often not as well received in Adelaide. Of course, they didn’t mention whether or not Adelaide was the butt of the majority of their jokes… That may be a contributing factor. It does get rather tedious after a while. And I can tell ya, sure, Melbourne’s great and I like it more than Adelaide, but Melbourne ain’t perfect. Although their audiences may be easier? I’ll soon find out…

    Well, I can cross another one of those “’80s bands to see before I die” off the list. Two actually. Even though Tears for Fears were the support act, I was more excited about seeing them than Spandau Ballet. But I stuck around after they’d finished to see Spandau Ballet too. Hey, I paid for it, right? $100. And like Howard Jones, I couldn’t find anyone who could justify spending that much money to accompany me to this concert, so I attended Melbourne’s famed Rod Laver Arena alone.

    I did get talking to the other pathetic single man next to me though. A 44-year-old baker from Broadmeadows who, upon discovering I was studying journalism, preceded to reveal his entire sci-fi novel idea, pausing only to think out aloud, “I probably shouldn’t be telling my idea to another writer… but I will anyway.” Mental note: steal his idea. Na, he’s okay. He’s done well.

    Unlike Howard Jones, who played at the intimate Governor Hindmarsh Hotel, this was at Rod Laver Arena, one of the largest enclosed performance venues in the country. Naturally, opting for the cheaper ticket, my seat was appropriately placed:

    As for the actual performances, Tears for Fears were good. Unfortunately, as they were the support act, the sound levels weren’t optimal. They seem to do that, don’t they? Spandau Ballet had great levels, but I only knew four of their songs, so I was mostly just sitting through it, sharing the occasional “raised eyebrow hello” with the sci-fi baker to my right. He actually left about 10 minutes into Spandau Ballet. Obviously had some early baking to do. But hey, overall an enjoyable experience.

    I also went to my first AFL game since 1997. I tagged along with a bunch of the RMIT journo people to Melbourne vs. Brisbane at the MCG. I’d never been to the MCG before. Very impressive stadium. It was good theatre, I suppose. I enjoyed the insults being hurled from members of the crowd at Brenden Fevola. But I found myself sitting cross-legged, looking around at these footy fans as they cheered and carried on, and I thought to myself, “I can see why people like this, but I just can’t get excited over it.” I’ve just got too much else in my life to follow a sports team.

    Later that night I got to drive a car for the first time in about two months. A manual too. Ahh… still got it!

    There is of course so much more, but this blog entry is dragging on a bit, so I’ll leave you with two things. 1) The reassurance that I’m enjoying myself and I’m continuing on the dream-chasing venture that is my move to Melbourne. And 2) This photo, which in no way reflects my personal political views:

     

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    I was not responsible for that graffiti. Give me some freaking credit! I would have used two B’s.