David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Category: Melbourne

  • Study journalism at RMIT. See the sights of TV Town!

    To paraphrase Styx: it’s high time I (we) gave you an update on my RMIT journalistic educationary ventures (start a revolution). Ahh… great album.

    Yes, so as I was saying… I’m now in week 4 of uni, studying my post-graduate diploma in journalism at RMIT and it’s going pretty well. Pretty, pretty, pre-tty… pretty well. I believe I’ve now established myself as “the funny guy” (or at least, one of the 3). It’s great. Going to uni is a ball! I’d forgotten how fun it was. Everyone else in the course is awesome. We all get along like a school on fire and coffee, baked goods and doing the various daily newspaper quizzes as a group has quickly become a regular mid-morning ritual. Such is my future-focused mind, I already know I’m going to miss this in 9 months… All the more reason to make the most of it.

    You may be wondering what these photos are. You may not be. You may not even be reading this. Sometimes I don’t know why I bother. These photos were actually taken on our first day. We were given the task of going out and finding a few notable Melbourne locations, swapping contact information and taking  pictures to prove we didn’t just go and drink. I like this one in particular. It looks like the anchor team from a TV newsroom:

    Might help the illusion if we were standing in front of a bank of cameras or a news desk instead of a tenant index…

    Speaking of TV, we did vox-pops last week! For the uninformed, vox-popping is when a guy takes a camera onto the street and sticks a microphone into a stranger’s face to get the opinion of the man (or woman) on the street, often to hilarious results. Despite my years of community radio and various straight-to-the-Internet video experience, I’d never actually performed a legitimate vox-pop. Indeed, I’m quite a novice when it comes to the field of vox-poppery. So I teamed up with fellow “the funny guy” Lachlan Cowlishaw and headed down to Burke Street Mall (not far from where I had lunch with Richard Marsland 2 years ago, actually). We had no interest in examining a serious issue, and so asked various street-walkers (as in “people walking by,” not “prostitutes”) “if you could have a dinner date with anyone in the world, who would it be?” It was A LOT of fun. Damn it was great to get back in front of a camera again. I really love it. And we got some pretty good responses too. A few dud ones of course, but that’s to be expected. This week we’re editing them and then in late May (apparently) they’ll actually appear on C31’s “Newsline” (which I also get to host!). THIS is why I came to Melbourne!

    Oh and just by the by, yesterday whilst waiting on Swanston Street for the tram home, I noticed 3 separate RMIT vox-pop teams setting up in the vicinity of the Victorian State Library. Undergraduates. They have to do vox-popping too, evidently. So, knowing that THEY don’t know who I am, I went up to each of them in turn and provided joke answers to their seriousy-type questions. Hehehe! Someone sometime is going to watch back all that footage and see the same idiot (wearing the same white cardigan) being obnoxious on a variety of issues! And then later down the track still they’re going to see me actually hosting the show that’s broadcasting them! Hehehe… ahhh… Meg doesn’t find this nearly as funny as I do…

    Oh yes and one more thing… I was ACTUALLY on Seven News Victoria Tuesday last week! My good friend and fellow RMIT “journo” Ben Hagemann and I hopped off a tram (again, at Burke Street Mall) and were accosted by several Yarra Tram ticket officers. There was also a TV news crew on the scene. Now, whether or not we were actually fare evaders on that occasion is irrelevant, but rest assured, the situation resolved itself appropriately. That night I switched on the box, delighted to see myself (from the chin down) in the background of some story about the disabled and passengers with prams having difficulty boarding some of Melbourne’s older trams. I have a recording. It’s available upon request. Here’s a still though: (that’s me in the red shirt and black pants!)

    Kind regards,
    TV’s David M. Green
    That’s right! Ohohohoho… hmmm… mmm…

  • Life-is-like-a-Hur-ri-ca-ne… here in… Co-burg…

    Hello (obviously),

    Jesus it’s just one thing after another with this whole “moved to Melbourne to pursue my dreams” episode of the life of David M. Green (me)… Let me give you the latest…

    Uni started last Monday. The first 3 days were pretty daunting, especially the part about having to watch the TV news, listen to the radio news and read all the newspapers (The Age, The Herald Sun AND The Australian) AND being tested every week on our knowledge of current events. Got to get used to that. But before I could really do any uni homework I moved house (again) on Thursday. Found a nice place in Coburg “with two seeexxxyy ladies!” (to quote The Simpsons). But seriously, they’re okay. The rent is the same as the Altona place, but the house is bigger, cleaner; the walls are thicker and it’s only 8km north of the CBD! On the good side! Observe:

    Of course, taking into consideration the meandering nature of Melbourne’s transport corridors, the distance from the city to Altona is more like 18km, but my new share house in Coburg is connected to the CBD by a roadway with minimal deviations. Not only that, it’s about 50 metres from the No. 1 East Coburg tram terminus. VERY convenient. And you know how I feel about light rail (*two thumbs up*).

    I’m settling in quite well. New house mates are great and I’m definitely enjoying the shorter commute each day. More “me time!” I haven’t had a lot of time to explore all that Coburg has to offer, however I do believe I’ve already spotted the two funniest “sight gags” in the neighbourhood… This is just what you want to see right across the street from your new place of residence…

    And then there’s this one… (hehehe you should have seen the looks I got from people when I took this photo…)

    Yes, so moving on, it was pretty full on last week with uni starting and then the move to Coburg. I also needed to purchase a new wardrobe, desk and chair, as my new room included none of these things. And I hate having my stuff strewn all over the floor, so it was very important that I organise these things pronto. Fortunately just a few shops down from the “Circum-centre” there was a furniture place with just what I needed at reasonable prices (I also checked out Ikea, but their cheap stuff was crap and their good stuff was too expensive). I picked up all three items for $700, including delivery 1km up Bell Street. Not bad I thought. And for the first time in about 5 years I’ve got drawers for my clothes!

    However… just when everything was falling into place, on Saturday the worst storm in 40 years struck Melbourne. As my desk hadn’t arrived, I had my laptop set up on the dining room table and I was finally getting some homework done when very quickly the sky turned black and a barrage of the biggest hail stones I’ve ever seen started raining down (wait… can hail rain? You know what I mean anyway…). They only got to be as big as marbles in Coburg but elsewhere in the metropolitan area they were reported as big as tennis balls! The most recent reports are saying the storm caused over $220 million damage. So anyway, naturally I rushed to the front porch to witness this once-in-a-lifetime spectacle, which also included an enormous downpour of rain the likes you’d see in Southern Australia maybe once or twice a decade. I stepped away from my computer for just a couple of minutes. I returned to discover the roof right above the dining room table was leaking water all over my laptop and diary. I quickly rushed to their aid but my laptop was completely drenched and the screen frozen. I picked it up and water came trickling out of the ports on the side. Naturally I switched it off immediately.

    I’m a pretty laid-back guy with most things. If my car windscreen was broken by a hail stone, I’d be irritated, sure, but I wouldn’t have been as freaked out as when I saw my note pad (containing 6 months worth of ideas) being ripped to pieces before my eyes by a crazed individual, or when I thought I’d just lost a brand new $1,500 laptop, that’s my ONLY connection to EVERYTHING I DO. I was freaking out. I hadn’t lost any data. I backed up just a couple of days earlier. It was just the thought of weeks of inconvenience more than anything. My contents insurance wouldn’t have helped me (why would you ever need anything other than coverage for fire and theft?), but I believe the landlord was probably at fault for improper maintenance of the roof. But I wasn’t thinking about the financial cost. I was devastated because I had work to do, you know.

    So I called my tech guy back in Adelaide. He told me to open it up, take the battery out and some of the easier-to-access panels at the back to let all the moisture drain out. I left it to dry overnight and gave the computer another shot on Sunday. It wasn’t working. I was pretty upset. I was so close to getting everything organised. By that stage the desk had arrived but of course, with no computer the desk was pretty useless. It had just been setback after setback with this whole Melbourne thing. Just when I thought I had it all figured out, something else would pop up I hadn’t considered. It had really taken it out of me and this was just another major hurdle that had just been dropped right in my way. You know, I’ve probably cried as much in the last month as I have in the last 2 years. But I had to compose myself and get to the Cinema Nova for another busy night time shift. By the time I’d arrived I’d composed myself and actually, chatting and joking with the customers and the other cinema casuals during my shift really cheered me up. By the time I got home at about 1am I’d worked out a plan of action. I’d take my laptop into a repair place on Tuesday (as Monday was a public holiday) and maybe there were just a few components that needed to be replaced. If not, I guess I’d be looking at buying another one. But before I went to bed I thought I’d give it another shot. Wouldn’t you know it, the damn laptop worked perfectly…

    Jesus H. Tap-Dancing Christ I’m lucky… Really… There I was worrying about a computer that was totally replaceable (I didn’t lose any data, remember) when there were other people in Melbourne who had their roofs cave in and their entire houses flooded. All that freaking out. Totally unnecessary! Jesus…

    Hey, here’s my Coburg set-up:

    Thank God for that public holiday yesterday. God, I needed it. My appetite seemed to come back today for the first time since I arrived in Melbourne. I really am beginning to feel comfortable again. I also had my first television journalism lecture and tutorial on Friday and I’m loving it. The other journalism topics this semester are all print-based and I was thinking maybe spending $13,000 on this course wasn’t such a good idea. But then we got to television and I remembered why I’m here. I’ll get to host “Newsline” on C31 later in the year, which I’m REALLY looking forward to. Just television, as a medium in general, is something I really want to get involved in.

    To summarise this somewhat rambling blog entry, well, it was a somewhat rambling week. Had some bad days, then a good one, them some bad ones, then a good one again. I’ve often found myself recently thinking and remembering about “the good old days” back in Adelaide, seeing my close friends regularly, working every now and then at the Palace Nova, weekend getaways with Jemima… it was all so care-free… And let me tell you, you never appreciate the beauty of nature and the outdoors so much as when you’re stuck at a desk reading a text book. But then, even though those days were great and I knew exactly what I was doing, I wasn’t going anywhere. At least here in Melbourne I feel like I’m achieving something.

    Hmm, yes I think that’ll do for now.

    How are you by the way?

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Did anyone get the “Ducktales” reference in the title? Pretty good huh?

  • Local Boy Makes Goo(d)

    Ahoy hoy,

    After 10 days in Melbourne, I flew back to Adelaide on Tuesday to perform stand-up at the first of the two South Australian Raw Comedy semi-finals at The Arkabar.

    My good friend Adam Navarro picked me up from the airport (not a huge gesture in Adelaide, as the airport is so close, unlike most other major cities, with the exception of Sao Paulo, Brazil, for the airport buffs playing along at home, presumably with themselves…) and we had a delicious lunch at Jetty Road, Brighton. When I got to my family home I realised how totally exhausted I was. Physically and emotionally. It’s just been completely full on the last 10 days. I haven’t had a chance to properly relax since I arrived in Melbourne. But there was no time to rest as I had to get ready for my evening gig.

    I’d never been to The Arkabar before. I must say it’s quite a nice place. I like the booths and dim lighting particularly. Apparently the place has a reputation for being a haven for mature single ladies, or a “Grab a Granny” hotspot as they say. There weren’t many there last night. It was mostly very young, very “cool” suburban types. And I think we all know how I feel about these people…

    Similar to last year’s Raw Comedy venture, crowd reaction wasn’t nearly as favourable at the semi-final, compared to the qualifying heat night. Different crowd. As soon as I started I knew it wasn’t going to be as smashing a success as January 28th. Although I did get laughs, and I was quite satisfied with my performance, I saw a lot of faces in the audience that appeared to say “what the hell is this?” Another problem: it was a pretty big room, and my “snowglobe bit” wasn’t as effective because the prop is too small and the room too big. It’s more suited to a small room with an intimate audience, possibly even in a romantic way…

    So anyway, I didn’t make it to the state final. To tell you the truth I’m a little relieved, as now I won’t have to miss out on any uni! When I arrived at The Arkabar last night I felt awful. I could literally feel the tears welling behind my eyes. I did feel better after my spot though (surprisingly). Although I guess I always feel good after a gig… except for that time at The Star Theatre where I forgot my routine and stood there silently for 30 seconds. I felt awful after that. But this time I felt good. And it was great to hang out and chat with my good friends Tim Wray and Nick Godfrey. My good friends are very important to me (and my emotional stability). The original plan was actually to fly back to Melbourne today, but when I got to Adelaide the thought of going back straight away suddenly seemed unnecessary, so my Mum very generously re-booked my return flight for Thursday (incurring a costly cancellation penalty from the good people at Qantas). But God, I really needed today just to recover. I really needed it. I often forget how important “down time” is for me. I like to sit in a comfy chair and just think, or pace around my room talking to myself. I’ve been a bit self-conscious about doing that in the Altona house due to its paper-thin walls, and also out of respect for my fellow house mates, although I believe they already think I’m a bit… “odd” for lack of a better word.

    And so, I commit the video footage of this routine, which I call “Medical Oddities,” to the Internet. Of course, to make me look “more gooder” I’ve uploaded the footage from the heat night on January 28th 2010 at The Rhino Room, which was exceptionally well-received by the audience:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WmdTp97X9oA

    What a great night. Actually, last night was pretty good too. Best of “well done” to the other comedians who performed that night. I particularly enjoyed Aaron Nobes. That guy cracks me up, hehe. I think I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again; he’s like a young Tony Martin. And congratulations to him and the other 4 comedians who made it through to the state final. I can’t seem to find a list of the comedians who performed last night, so apologies for not knowing more names. There was a guy with a guitar who I thought was quite funny, Peter Beaglehall (I think). I must admit (again and again) I don’t particularly enjoy what many consider to be “good” stand-up. My comic preferences lie more towards sketch comedy, radio, sitcoms and obscure things that make me think and possibly laugh many hours/days later. But I do recognise that the comedians who got through last night did display competent skills in the field of stand-uppery. Great stage presence, engagement with the audience, etc. all that crap. So good on them.

    I return to Melbourne tomorrow. I think it would be a wasted opportunity if I didn’t try stand-up in Melbourne at least a couple of times. Hmm… stay tuned…

    Oh yes, and here’s a good photo of me from Heat #3 taken by friend and former Palace Nova Cinema colleague Gabbie Zizzo:

    See you all in Melbourne! Well… not everyone (obviously).

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    I like Stobey Poles. Very orderly. Soothing.

  • Hey it’s my stuff!

    Hello again! In the space of 24 hours, my new bed and side table arrived, as did my boxes of stuff from Adelaide! To paraphrase MTV’s “Cribs,” from now on this is where the “magic” will happen:

    Wow. You sure do appreciate a bed after not having one for 3 nights. I feel like I’ve got 75% of a room now. I just need the Internet. That may seem to you to be a bit of a high percentage taken up by the Internet, especially because for many the Internet is a luxury. Not for me. It’s been quite tricky to conduct my affairs without being constantly connected. Just yesterday I got a voice-over job from Allan Miller (who’s based in Tasmania). The usual procedure is he tells me what he wants, I record it and email it, he tells me what changes to make, I record it again and email it again, etc. The whole process involves a lot of emailing back and fourth and it’s a real pain in the arse having to go down to the local Altona Video Easy/Internet Cafe every time I need to re-send a file. Although I must admit it’s a lot more pleasant now that my bike has arrived!

    Here’s the rest of my room:

    I also had my first “Melbourne Celebrity Sighting” yesterday. I was in the Myer department store in the city, pursuing their limited range of table lamps, when I notice to my left a woman step off an escalator. It took me a few seconds to realise it was TV’s Judith Lucy! However, by that stage she had already turned and walked off without making eye contact. I don’t know what I would have said anyway; “Hey, I’ve seen The Best Bits of The Late Show, you know, that show you were on in 1993?” I suppose she was also in “Bad Eggs.” Although she’s not exactly what I like that movie… Oh well, next time. Hence my new “Judith Lucy Lamp:”

    I’m settling in to the share house situation quite well I think. The food situation seems to be working.  I’d love to go into more detail, but curtesy dictates housemates’ eating habits are to be kept off the Internet (at least in this particular house…), so instead I’ll just say I’m pretty much taking care of myself. It may not be a fancy stainless steel kitchen with all the latest mod-cons like a dishwasher or a toaster, but it’s functional and I’m enjoying the chance to experiment a little. Earlier this week I made a delicious soup. Cooking can be quite relaxing actually and I’m looking forward to trying some more advanced things in the coming weeks. Less enthusiastic about their lack of a bath-mat system (I’ll explain more about that later. I’ll probably end up writing a dedicated blog entry).

    Something that I’m really not liking at the moment is not having any friends who live in Melbourne. I really don’t like eating meals out by myself. It’s quite depressing. I’m assuming this will change soon, as my first cinema shift is tonight and uni induction classes start next week, and as I’ve been described as a “friends slut” I’m sure I’ll have no trouble finding friends. New and better friends! And I’m hoping my Adelaide friends will agree to some sort of rostered holiday system, whereby each week a different friend will come visit me in Melbourne. More for their benefit than mine. Hehehe…

    In other news for $5 I joined RMIT’s SYN (Student Youth Network), the community radio station where Hamish & Andy started. I have no idea what I’d be doing there. I really just wanted a sticker. Come to mention it I would like to get back on air again, but again, it would help if I had some friends who could help out with guest appearances and extra voices. There’s only so much David M. Green can do on his own… Although I’m sure I’ll have no shortage of “Adelaide Correspondents.” Speaking of radio, a very special item also arrived with the rest of my stuff. Something that I knew would cheer me up when I’m feeling down, and it’s already done just that a few times from its new spot on my bedroom wall…

    Ahh… I love that photo…

    Well, best get to my first shift at the Cinema Nova!

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    I have contents insurance!

  • I’m moving to Melbourne. Moving to Melbourne now. And… just moved to Melbourne.

    Hello!

    Well firstly, apologies are in order. I’m sorry. Despite my urge to blog, I’ve had a lot of trouble finding a suitable Internet connection in which to do so. It’s been a hectic couple of weeks for me, and by extension, the nation. Especially the last few days, there hasn’t seemed to be enough hours in the day. Granted I was down 30 minutes from the start. Thank YOU Central Standard Time…

    Allow me to fill you in… Hello, I’m David M. Green. On Saturday February 13th I moved from Adelaide to Melbourne. Naturally there was a lot to organise, and it all seemed to happen all at once. Fortunately for me (or unfortunately), I didn’t have to move ALL my stuff. I was able to leave the majority of my junk at my parents’ house and only take “what I needed” with me to Melbourne. Sure, this means I don’t have to take as much, but it also means I have to decide what “I need.” It may have been easier to just take everything that’s mine… But anyway, I put together five largish boxes of various items and sent it over via a moving company. It was mostly stationery/office equipment, clothes, a few books and DVDs and two big ticket items: my bike and my printer. All up it came to about $230, which is pretty good, considering the bike alone is worth $400. Hopefully it’ll all arrive safely later this week.

    So while my freight travels by road, I caught a plane Saturday evening. There was a slightly teary goodbye to my Mum and sister Hannah at the airport. I’ve never lived out of home before, let alone a home 800km away… Oddly enough I seem to encounter constant reminders of why I’m doing this. On the drive to Adelaide airport, I saw a giant billboard for Channel Ten featuring fellow former Adeladian Shaun Micallef (who seems to be the “face” of Channel Ten ever since Rove went on hiatus). Then on the plane, listening to “The Smile High Club” with Adam Spencer on Qantas Radio, I heard a bunch of Shaun Micallef sketches from his recent comedy album “His Generation.” I recently borrowed that album from my good friend Gerard Kotlowy. I’m not a big fan of musical comedy, which was most of the album (although I LOVE Shaun’s Christopher Walken/David Bowie singing). My favourite sketch by far was “Dalgetty’s Fruit Wholesalers.” Fantastic! I’ve always been a big fan of satirical advertising. Richard Marsland has also been on my mind. Certainly the two of them (Micallef & Marsland) have walked the path that I’m walking now. They more than anyone else have set the standard for Adelaide-born comedians heading east for greater opportunities. This is just what I think anyway.

    So anyway, I’m here now. Enough of the speculative crap. I’m living in Altona in a 50 year-old house with two new housemates (but not in a voyeristic “Big Brother” way). Now, I would of course love to mention their names, but they’ve requested to remain anonymous. Evidentally this is what living with David M. Green will do to you… I will say however I’m living with one female and one male humanoid. They’ve both been living there for about a month. They’ve done a pretty good job settling in, but there’s still so much to organise. They still haven’t set up an Internet connection. For some reason, we can’t get “naked DSL” in our area (that means Internet without a phone land line, for my technologically inept readers. Oh yes, and well done on finding my website). So we have to get the phone line set up, but it’s still in the former resident’s name. It’s probably going to take some time. Luckily there’s wireless Internet access at RMIT, where I’m soon to start studying journalism, and I was smart enough to invest in a laptop.

    But Internet’s not the only thing I need. Granted, it’s practically on par with food, sleep and shelter. Speaking of which, I bought a bed on Sunday! I caught a train to Essendon, then a tram to Airport West and bought the “Galaxy bed package” from the hilariously titled “The Bed Factory.” $800 for a queen-sized bed frame, queen-sized mattress, quilt, sheets, 2 pillows and a 3-drawer bed-side table, including delivery and assembly. The words “good” and “freaking,” not necessarily in that order, immediately come to mind. It should arrive at the house later today, which will provide a welcome relief from the couch cushions I’ve been sleeping on the last 2 nights:

    “Housemate #1” was nice enough to let me sleep in her bed the first night (Thanks “#1!”). And thanks too to “Mr X.” for letting me use his spare desk and chair. That’ll save me some $$$!

    There’s lots of other things to organise. Can you believe “Anonymous Altona Housemates” had an iron but no ironing board? Not having much tolerance for creases myself, I promptly purchased one. Luckily “Nameless Guy” has a car, so I was able to get it home. It’d be a little tricky taking that on a tram. Although I must say, aside from things like that, I’m adjusting quite well to live without a car. If you’re going to do it anywhere in Australia, Melbourne is probably the best place for it. The trains and trams are VERY convenient. Although everyone still seems to complain about them. I guess I’m still comparing their public transport system to Adelaide’s. Probably once I’m here for a while I’ll start noticing the weaknesses. But until then I’m in Rail Heaven! Ahh Rail Heaven… where there are no fares and the trains are always on time…

    In other news I joined RMITV (RMIT’s student television organisation). Hopefully I’ll be able to get involved with their famed comedy/variety show, “Studio A.” After all, it was practically the whole freaking reason I came to RMIT… Are you reading this TV executives?

    Uni starts on March 1st. So until then I’ll continue getting settled. This morning I stopped by the Cinema Nova in Carlton to pick up my uniform. My first shift is on Friday! On Sunday, one of my “Unidentified Housemates” threw an “Anti-Valentine’s Day” soiree at the Altona house and invited some of her heart-broken single Melbourne friends. When asked by one of her Melbourne friends if I had a job yet, I responded “yeah, I’ve got a casual job at the Cinema Nova.” Her reaction was a gasp followed by “Really? I know people who have tried to get a job there for years!” Hehehe… They’re calling me “The Dude” now! Well… they aren’t. But they should.

    Although I appreciate the irony of the day, I’m not crazy about the seemingly spur of the moment decision by another one of her friends to shave his head and leave the cranial debris in our only bathroom sink:

    Now, I wasn’t overly annoyed with this. I did suggest someone possibly move the hair to a rubbish bin, but I was assured it would be “taken care of.” Unfortunately this task wasn’t completed before another anonymous individual, who was possibly also incognito, (and who, on a side note, kept calling me “Matt”) threw up in the sink… Now… I won’t subject you to the horrors of that image (and yes I DID take a photo). I’m not one for Internet censorship, but I do believe it’s just too gross. Not too gross for the Internet, but certainly too gross for davidmgreen.com. However, I WILL show you the expression on my face when I made this shocking discovery:

    Now I wouldn’t say I’m a “neat freak,” but I suppose it’s all relative. Personally, I just like being clean. To be honest, I don’t really want to re-live the rest of that night, but let’s just say thank GOD there was a Coles supermarket within walking distance that was open to midnight AND sold Draino.

    So anyway, I’ve done some things, but still have lots left to organise. To quote the advice of Howard Jones: “don’t try to live your life in one day.” I should probably keep that in mind. I will be here for (at least) a whole year, after all. But still, there’s so much to do! Speaking of which, I’ve got to go buy some towels and get home in time for my bed to be delivered. I’m a simple man. Just give me a bed and an ADSL connection and I’m happy.

    Kind regards,
    Melbourne’s David M. Green
    (Formally Adelaide’s David M. Green)