David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Category: My Two Cents

  • RIP Robin Williams 1951-2014

    On the sad news of the death of comedy legend Robin Williams, I wrote this piece for ABC’s The Drum.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green

  • 2013 A.D(MG)

    It’s the end of another year this year. And what an end of a year it’s been. Also, the rest of the year was eventful.

    I started 2013 with no regular work and by March I’d run out of money. Well, I say “run out of money”, but I mean it in the first world sense. I got down to my last $9 in the bank, but I still had a car and other things of tangible value, etc. But it was still pretty stressful.

    At one point, I applied for a job as a school crossing guard with the Boroondara Council. It was basically this scene from the 1985 motion picture “Lost in America” starring Albert Brooks:

    I wasn’t successful.

    But I did do this for $150:

    Salvation came with the AFL Season and my return to Crocmedia to panel their fabulous “AFL Live” football commentary to 100 radio stations around Australia. Best radio job I’ve had.

    [Sports writing mode begins]

    The most memorable moment was the Adelaide v. North Melbourne game, Round 9 at Etihad Stadium. The Kangaroos had lead for the entire game, only to have the Crows kick 5 unanswered goals in the final quarter, culminating in an Adelaide goal with only 15 seconds left to give my home town a miracle 1-point victory. It was a fairy tale ending. I’ve never heard Rex Hunt call anything as intense as that.

    You can listen to the highlights package I edited during the game here.

    I don’t leap out of that panel operator’s chair onto my feet very often, but that was one of those moments.

    [Sports writing mode ends]

    After the AFL season finished, I started some weekend panelling at 1116SEN, using the ole MTR studios in Richmond. So finally, that move from Coburg to Hawthorn to be closer to work (2 days before MTR shut down) has actually paid off. Only took 18 months.

    And actually, since I moved in July from the eastern side of Hawthorn to the western side, a stone’s throw from Richmond, I’m close enough to WALK to work in about 15 minutes. The route takes me down Bendigo Street past the old GTV Channel 9 studios, now luxury apartments. To use my favourite cliched broadcasting expression, it’s “absolutely sensational”.

    Please enjoy this guided tour of my new place:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8T2pT_bdvAU

    It’s much better than the last apartment. Cheaper. More space. Laundry taps and an exhaust fan in the bathroom (as mentioned). And the insulation is excellent. That 40 degree day in Melbourne the other week? Barely noticed it. Place doesn’t even have air conditioning. The insulation alone is just so effective.

    2013 has been another year of media delights. In addition to 20 throw-away episodes of my “need an excuse to upload something” vlog series “Life of DMG” (as seen above), I also made a few videos with TV’s Shane Crawford for his website. I was basically Richter to his O’Brien. Shaffer to his Letterman. And to a lesser extent, robot skeleton to his Ferguson. Though I can’t seem to find those videos online any more, you can see part of one in my most recent showreel, where I took one for the team:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8Y9CBJ_BZs

    31 Questions – The TV game show all the kids are listening about – returned for its second season. We shot 9 episodes, 7 of which were broadcast-able. They aired on community TV stations in Melbourne, Sydney, Brisbane, Perth and New Zealand. And will soon air in Adelaide after they finish repeating the first season.

    Season 2 was a step up in many respects. Better graphics, better editing, a flashier scoreboard, more defined characters and some minor touches here and there. Although it wasn’t quite the step up in lighting and audio that we had hoped.

    There are always challenges and setbacks when you’re making a television show. We had to make do with reduced studio time, simultaneously throughout the production my parents back in Adelaide were splitting up after 29 years of marriage, and worst of all I had a really bad haircut 2 weeks before we started taping.

    But we had some good crowds towards the end and the laughs were there. And what our crew managed to do with those limited resources was quite impressive. Not bad for $4,000?

    This is my favourite episode. It was the Season 2 premier, but it was actually the last episode we shot:

    And in case you missed the memos, 31 Questions is indeed coming back for a third season. We raised $3,262 with our recent crowdfunding campaign and we’re back in the fabulous RMIT University televisual studio from late February.

    This will be the big one. So stay posted if you want to come join the studio audience or BE ON THE SHOW.

    Back in Adelaide, after talking about it for years, my folks have finally sold the family home at Seacliff. I remember the day we moved in: 17 March 1992, just before my 5th birthday.

    It’s a great house. The big walls all around the outside got me quite used to privacy. Everywhere else I’ve lived has seemed quite exposed by comparison. And aside from 9 months in 2000, when the second storey appeared, I lived there 18 years until I left for Melbourne in 2010.

    It was still nice to return to my home town and stay in my old bedroom. But I don’t have that any more. And the SA jaunts haven’t quite been the same. This year in particular, going back to visit Adelaide has felt less and less like visiting home and more like seeing a jigsaw puzzle with pieces gradually being removed and replaced.

    Don’t get me wrong, I love Adelaide and there’s some exciting things going on at the moment. I’ve had many a conversation about local infrastructure projects with anyone who will listen. But it’s not where I want to be right now.

    Ahh I’ll miss that house… But it will live on in so many video projects, like this one:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4oQakmn_cAw

    That reminds me, we really should get around to editing those 3 other Too Easy episodes…

    So that’s about it for 2013. Well I did some other things. I went to Sydney for a bit. Bought a bookcase. Hosted a documentary series about webseries. Had a really nice sandwich, etc.

    But my big news for the new year is I’ll be a writer on the third season of “Shaun Micallef’s Mad As Hell” starting February 2014! Coincidentally, my first day writing is on the 13th, which is the four year anniversary of my move to Melbourne.

    How about that?

    Best move ever.

    Hope you’ve had a good year yourself and things are looking even better for 2014. I’ll see you on the other side.

    You can buy me a coffee.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    No, I’m serious. Small cappuccino with one, please.

  • Hooray for student media

    In response to new Education Minister Christopher Pyne’s comments last week RE: again abolishing compulsory student services fees at Australian universities, I wrote an opinion piece for ABC’s The Drum website about my own experience last time it happened and the impact it had on student media.

    Read my thing here: Student media needs student fees to survive.

    The good people at Radio Adelaide – where my media career began – saw the article and invited me onto their breakfast show on Monday to have a chat with Radio’s Angus Randall. It was slightly too early in the morning for me, but you can listen to the audio here.

    Always too happy to give back to Radio Adelaide, the station that gave me everything. Including an award, which they have since misplaced.

    If anyone sees the 2007 South Australian Community Broadcasting Association “Bilby” Award for Best Station ID 2007 anywhere, would you let me know?

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    And good to hear The Empire Times is back up and running.

  • Twittiquette

    If you missed my piece (opinion piece, I mean. Not a firearm.) in mX last week, here it is in fabulous scanned electro-newsprint:

    And if that’s not working for ya, here’s the text version:

    For What It’s Worth
    David M. Green on Twitter Etiquette

    I followed Phil Collins on Twitter. You’d think of all people, the guy who sang “Follow You Follow Me” would follow back. He didn’t.

    But he’s a big star – even if he hasn’t had a hit in 15 years. He can’t possibly follow back all his Twitter fans. So what’s your excuse for not following back? Are YOU famous?

    I don’t think so.

    So what is proper Twitter etiquette, or “Twittiquette”?

    The ultimate insult in 2013 is to ignore someone online. It’s one thing to simply ignore someone you don’t know or with whom you have no common interests. We do this to millions of people by default.

    But unless you’re a celebrity, you’re in a genuine category of jerk if someone you’ve met in your travels follows you on Twitter, and you don’t follow back.

    It’s the technological equivalent of sticking out your hand for a high five, only to be left hanging. You’d have to truly despise someone – and want them to know it – to do that. You never leave a guy hanging.

    A Twitter following is seen by many as a symbol of power. More followers means more influence. And more chance someone will want to give you a briefcase full of money for no reason. The history of the Internet is filled with stories like that, right?

    But it’s not enough simply to have a pile of followers. The assumption seems to be: “I’ll only be seen as powerful and interesting if I have lots of followers AND I’m not following many people”. In other words, you need an impressive “power ratio”.

    There are many ways to get that power ratio. You can do what a few politicians have done and just buy some Twitter followers, which is great if you like robots. You can do a Miley Cyrus and twerk your way to a pile of followers with a controversial public stunt. You could even try actually working hard in the real world for a number of years to establish yourself as an influential figure in your chosen field… Na.

    The fastest and cheapest way to get Twitter followers is to follow a bunch of people, then unfollow the ones who didn’t follow back. And then unfollow the ones who DID follow back. Presto! Power ratio.

    Although, there is a slight problem with that. If you’re actively ignoring people who follow you because you think it’ll enhance your power ratio, you’re ultimately just making enemies. I don’t know about you, but I feel less inclined to like someone if I know they’re not interested in me. Screw the power games.

    The amazing thing is; being nice on Twitter is so easy. It’s the easiest way to be nice in the history of social interaction. Take the high road. Keep your followers. Keep following back. That’s all you’ve got to do. Even if you hate their guts.

    Of course, if you’re followed by a business that treats Twitter like a spam-delivery system, you’re under no obligation to follow back. And life is too short for trolls, bots and troll-bots (they’re the worst).

    But if you want to be the nicest person in the online world, follow back, like a status and give a retweet now and then. People will love you for life. Or at least until you stop following them.

    —

    And a big welcome to my 5 new Twitter followers!

    I may have acquired more had mX been able to print underscores properly.

    Na, they’re okay.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    @David_M_Green

  • 10 tips for working in show biz

    As I quickly approach a decade of dabbling in “The Biz”, I find myself pausing for a moment and doing a double take at all the crap I’ve done. And I use the word “crap” in the most positive sense. As in, “Hey, check out all that crap”.

    I’ve worked with lots of people. Many of them lovely. Many of them talented. Many of them just once. I’ve been on both sides of the camera and the mic, and pressed about a billion buttons.

    And even though I’m just 26, every time it looks like I might be turning a casual gig into a career, I discover there’s a new way you can lose a job. Hence I’ve learned a few important lessons in my time. Lessons I would like to share with you.

    So whether you’re a veteran of the entertainment industry, a bright eyed wannabe or someone who wouldn’t leave the security of your suit and cubical to touch a microphone with a ten foot boom pole, here are some handy tips for working in show biz:

    1. Tell people what they want to hear.

    The best way to get ahead in the glamorous world of show biz is by making everyone happy. Don’t disappoint anyone. Ever. Was it a good show tonight? Absolutely! How’s my hair? Sensational! Are you sure you’ll be able to edit all those scripts by yourself by tonight? I sure am!

    Remember, promises are cheap. It doesn’t cost you anything to make a promise. Make as many as you can as fast as you can. Don’t stop for any reason. No promise is too ridiculous. Just make sure you can blame someone else if whatever you promised doesn’t just happen on its own. Make sure you lie on your CV too.

    2. Show up late, or not at all.

    Call times are just a guide. If you’re told to turn up on set at 8AM, that just means you can set your alarm for 8AM. Don’t bother factoring in travel time or traffic. Feel free to stop for petrol or a coffee on the way in. And take the scenic route – after all, you don’t want to be stressed when you arrive just after 10.

    Production managers factor all these things in when they write the schedule. They hate it when you turn up early. So turn up late. And they usually schedule more people than they need. So no pressure to turn up at all if you’ve got a better offer. No need to even call. You’ve got to look out for number one because hey, who else will?

    3. Don’t waste producers’ time.

    Producing anything is a tough, grueling, thankless job. Especially television. The last thing a time poor producer wants to hear is some lackey asking permission to use the bathroom or eat in the studio or record an iPhone video during a take. Just do it. The less they know you’re even there, the better.

    4. If you break it, keep it secret.

    If you find yourself using a piece of equipment you haven’t been trained on (See Lesson 1) and inevitably end up breaking it, best to keep it to yourself. The next person to use it will probably discover the problem anyway. And most likely just in time for an important shoot.

    5. Don’t bother replying to emails.

    So much communication is done via email these days. Emails are a dime a dozen. No one seriously expects you to acknowledge every single email a producer sends you. Hell, they don’t even expect you to READ them. So don’t worry if you just want to select all and delete. An empty inbox will mean your porn streams faster.

    6. Give out phone numbers.

    Everyone in show biz has a mobile phone. It’s by far the fastest way to get in contact with anyone. So if you come across the phone number of someone important, write it down, save it, and give it to anyone who asks for it. Crew phone numbers, executive phone numbers and ESPECIALLY talent phone numbers.

    You’re even well within your rights to ask for a few bucks when giving out the phone number of someone semi-famous. Why not trade it for a favour or a job? Remember, there’s no right to privacy in show biz. If Russell Crowe didn’t want people calling him anytime 24/7, he wouldn’t hand-write his digits on a business card and leave it in his agent’s locked briefcase.

    7. Steal.

    It’s a tough business, show business. So give yourself a helping hand and help yourself. A catering table is the industry’s gift to YOU. Keep coming back for more, especially if you’re not even working on the shoot.

    But don’t stop there. Steal anything you can get your hands on. Equipment, footage, other people’s ideas. “Ideas” don’t belong to anyone. Use them immediately for yourself or stow them away for a few years. And invest in a pair of bolt cutters. They’ll pay for themselves after the second or third locker.

    8. Don’t bother with back-ups.

    Delete footage and data once you’ve used it, especially emergency back-up stuff. Holding on to raw footage is a waste of time. Save over it or get rid of it. You’ll never need it. Neither will anyone else. Don’t even keep it “just in case”. Keep your hard drive free for more porn.

    9. Act like a big star.

    If you want people to take you seriously in show biz, you have to act like a big star. People respect jerks. So make outrageous demands. And don’t bother to remember people’s names, particularly subordinates you’ll never encounter again in the future. They should be happy just to be sharing the same oxygen as you. Make no mistake, you’ll be the most respected camera operator in the studio.

    10. Sleep with anyone and everyone.

    Fuck everyone! This is show biz! Sex brings cast and crew together. So sleep with all of them. Especially people you’re going to be working closely with in the future. And remember, wrap parties are easy picking 😉

    So get out there and schmooze, lie, cheat, steal and sleep your way to fame and fortune in the greatest business of all.

    Oh and if you’d like to learn more about television, look out for 31 Questions. Season 2 debuts on C31 Melbourne and Geelong Saturday July 27 8.30PM.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Purveyor of fine humour.