David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Category: My Two Cents

  • How do you solve a problem like The Logies?

    No comedy. No writers. Catering aplenty.

    The Logies are unique among the world’s entertainment industry awards. This is not a compliment.

    The organisers would like to believe Australian Television’s “night of nights” is the equivalent to The Oscars. The biggest. The fanciest. The most regarded awards ceremony on the event calendar.

    But the Academy Awards are for the silver screen. Not the small screen. The fashion reporting on the red carpet is where the comparison between the two stops. So in that sense, The Logies are more like The Emmys; The American awards for television production.

    But if The Logies are supposed to be Australia’s version of The Emmys, why aren’t they run like The Emmys?

    Emmy Award winners are decided by industry professionals. Some Logie winners are chosen this way; the categories that begin with “Most Outstanding”. However, the majority of Logie categories begin with “Most Popular” and those winners are decided by votes from the public. It’s basically a popularity contest.

    So in that case, The Logies are run more like The MTV Movie Awards. No offense to MTV, but I think that’s pretty embarrassing for Australian Television.

    But even The MTV Movie Awards have an award for “Best Comedic Performance”. How many awards do The Logies currently give for comedy? Zero. Pardon the pun, but that’s a joke.

    There hasn’t been an award for comedy at The Logies since 2009, when “The Hollowmen” won “Most Outstanding Comedy Program”.

    What does that say about Australian comedy if it’s not even acknowledged at the highest level? This serious lack of respect would make Rodney Dangerfield roll over in his grave.

    Think about all the hilarious Australian TV shows that have made us laugh through the years: The Late Show, Frontline, Kath & Kim, Hey Hey It’s Saturday, The Chaser, The Micallef Program, Summer Heights High. All of those shows won the Logie for “Most Outstanding Comedy Program”. In fact, some won it twice.

    Interesting to note, of the 16 awards for Most Outstanding Comedy Program given between 1994 and 2009, 13 of them were won by the ABC. Goes to show you don’t need money to make outstanding television comedy.

    But the best a comedy show can hope for these days is the Logie for “Most Outstanding Light Entertainment Program”.  What is “light entertainment” anyway? Aren’t all television shows supposed to be entertaining?

    In 1997, there were three separate Logies for comedy. Roy and HG’s “Club Buggery” won “Most Outstanding Achievement in Comedy”, the hilarious “Full Frontal” won “Most Popular Comedy Program” and Eric Bana won “Most Popular Comedy Personality”.

    It was a simpler time. Comedy was comedy. Drama was drama. And reality TV only existed in movies about a fictional dystopian future.

    But though comedy is no longer officially recognised by Australian TV, it seems to have crept into just about every other program.

    The new buzz word at the moment is “dramedy”. I hate that word. For me, it represents a comedy not quite funny enough that the producers want to commit and call it a comedy. Or a drama not quite dramatic enough to be called a drama. Shows such as Seven’s “Winners and Losers” and Ten’s “Mr and Mrs Murder” have both been promoted as “dramedy” shows.

    Network Ten’s “The Project” is another example. Hard news, light tragedy, music, stock footage, infotainment, and a few gags.

    But for a really bizarre example of comedy white-anting into a traditionally no-comedy TV zone, take a look at this new comedy segment that’s just appeared on Ten Late News. One recent segment involved my good friend Sam Mac videoing his facial expressions while receiving a series of simulated prostate exams:

    I’m a fan of Sam Mac. But this is not a comedy program. This is a late night news program broadcast nationally on Channel Ten. I’d much rather see him do this schtick on his own show – A show that could be nominated for a Logie for comedy.

    The Logies also has a serious lack of respect for Australian writers. Unlike The Oscars and The Emmys, The Logies has no awards at all for writing. None for comedy. None for drama. None for a telemovie or miniseries.

    I find it absolutely beyond comprehension the industry award body for Australian television doesn’t recognise its writers. Industry people and viewers alike are constantly complaining about the substandard level of screenwriting in Australia. We have great actors. We have world class cinematographers. Australian films and TV shows always look amazing.

    But the script? The story? The writing? It’s such an afterthought; we don’t even have an award for it. Who cares, right? Hey, why do we even need writers for TV?

    I believe the first step to improve Australia’s reputation for quality screenwriting is to recognise quality screenwriting at the highest level. And the easiest way to do that is to include Logie Awards for writing.

    The Logie Awards Ceremony itself also differs from the big American ones. The Oscars. The Emmys. The Tonys. They’re all held in theatres, with a seated audience watching the stage.

    But The Logies are conducted more like a pub trivia night, with the audience and nominees seated around tables in the Palladium Ballroom of Melbourne’s Crown Casino. Many of the attendees aren’t even facing the stage.

    Is it any wonder nobody wants to host The Logies? It’s widely believed among the TV industry that hosting The Logies is death. It’s a tough room. Most people are there purely to be seen and to enjoy a steak dinner.

    At last year’s 54th Annual Logie Awards, Adam Hills walked out on stage to present the first award, and after establishing that there was no host, he said, “Hosting the Logies is like being one of Gina Rinehart’s children. It sounds good, but you get nothing out of it.”

    That’s true for most of the hosts in recent memory. In fact, of the last 10 ceremonies, six of them had no single host. The risk of dying a death on stage was shared by several presenters.

    For a truly exceptional ceremony, you have to go back to Shaun Micallef in 2001.

    Channel Nine thought so too and they gave him his own tonight show two years later. But Wendy Harmer (2002) and Gretel Killeen (2009) weren’t so lucky.

    So how do you cure The Logies? It’s so simple even a TV executive could do it. Bring back awards for comedy. Introduce awards for writing. And hold the ceremony in a theatre where the audience’s attention is on the host. Only then will The Logies be the Australian equivalent of The Emmys.

    And so they should be.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Student of Logie.

  • Burger Heaven – The spam is better at Hungry Jack’s

    On Friday 22 February, popular fast food restaurant Hungry Jack’s (The Australian incarnation of Burger King, for my international friends) posted a Facebook status:

    “Today the legendary Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin would have turned 51. Rest peacefully in burger heaven mate.”

    What exactly has the late animal lover got to with cheeseburgers? What is this “burger heaven”? Why doesn’t it have capital letters? Would Steve Irwin even go to burger heaven? Who’s to say he wouldn’t end up in burger hell? And are the burgers in burger hell still flame-grilled?

    Perhaps he wouldn’t be admitted into burger heaven OR hell – Condemned to an eternity in “Burgertory”. Ahh, Burgertory: where the burgers are plain and the service is “okay”.

    This is social media marketing: Using current events (or anniversaries of current events) to tie back into your brand, no matter how tenuous the link.

    Everyone hates ads. Especially on the Internet. When I’m watching a YouTube video with an ad at the start, my mouse-clicking finger hangs over the “skip” button, waiting impatiently as it counts down from 5 to 0 – which actually takes 7 seconds, if you’ve ever bothered to count it.

    Advertising has really invaded social media in the last couple of years. Facebook and Twitter are now awash with spam. And most of it is just lazy. Status updates from major brands can be as vanilla as: “Happy Friday!”

    And I know. Because I wrote them.

    For a short time, I was one of the faceless men who came up with these updates for companies. Last year I spent seven weeks at a digital advertising agency, writing Facebook and Twitter posts for their big name clients who wanted to sell hairspray and sunscreen and avocado dip.

    The problem with social media advertising is most advertisers have absolutely no idea what they’re supposed to do. All of these companies demanded their Tweets and Facebook statuses a month in advance. How are you supposed to make a Tweet topical and interesting if you have to get it approved by middle management 30 days in advance? The best you can do is look at an upcoming anniversary and schedule something about burger heaven.

    Hence, most companies just end up posting generic spam about their products – a sentence that will offend no one and bore everyone – effectively junk mail delivered directly to your news feed.

    Remember junk mail? It’s really amazing that businesses still persist with print advertising. This is how I deal with it:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F93H10n_JdA&feature=youtu.be

    But how do you make advertising work on social media? I don’t know. But I can tell you what people don’t like. People don’t like someone trying to sell them something they don’t want. People don’t like being bothered. People don’t like being asked by a brand of head lice shampoo what they got up to on the weekend.

    Businesses are desperate to engage you on social media. There’s an abundance of discounts on offer. Lots of restaurants are now offering free drinks or 20 per cent off your bill, just for using Facebook to “check in” to the restaurant. And even better, most of these restaurants don’t even check to see you’ve done it. So you can get the discounts anyway!

    And believe it or not, businesses may still be vying for your online engagement long after you yourself have gone to burger heaven.

    A company called LivesOn is due to launch in March. Using complex algorithms and artificial intelligence, they plan to mimic individuals’ Twitter activity to allow you to continue to socialise online after you’ve logged off the server of life.

    If your online robot is still posting statuses for you after you’re dead, you can guarantee there’ll be banks and supermarkets and airlines all too eager to keep you up to date on their latest deals.

    We may need to develop Blade Runner-esque testing to determine which Twitter accounts are real people and which ones are robots. Who knows, maybe it will be the companies themselves who use LivesOn to continue advertising their products long after the business has died?

    Robots selling robots to other robots – this is the future. Do androids Tweet about their dreams of electric sheep? More importantly, do they go to burger heaven?

    Burger heaven… wait…

    Wouldn’t burger heaven just be full of burgers?

    When we say the dog has gone to “Doggy Heaven”, presumably this is a heaven for dogs, right? Not a heaven for the people who eat dogs?

    So according to the good people at Hungry Jack’s, the late animal activist Steve Irwin now resides alone, surrounded by either whole or partially eaten, possibly sentient cheeseburgers.

    That is absolutely horrifying.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Happy Wednesday!

  • What makes a perfect restaurant?

    Seinfeld restaurant

    In the last year, two of my favourite Indian restaurants have closed down. The first one was shut down by the health inspector, re-opened under new management and then burnt down (not even joking – it was at the top of Lygon Street, in East Brunswick). And much to my recent despair, I just discovered my other favourite Indian restaurant has changed into a Chinese restaurant.

    I’m just devastated.

    A good restaurant is like a woman. She’s inviting. Her service is excellent. And she adheres to proper fire code regulations.

    But a good restaurant that meets my select criteria of perfection is hard to find. Let me share with you the secret of what makes the perfect restaurant.

    First and foremost…

    1. Atmosphere

    When we dine out, we want to dine in a comfortable setting. Otherwise, we’re better off saving our money and staying home.

    Soft lighting is a must. It hides those blemishes and makes everyone look like a movie star. Or at least a background extra. If you’re dining in a bistro with harsh fluorescent lighting, you may as well eat dinner at an office. Or an office toilet.

    2. Comfort

    Obviously the chairs need to be comfortable. Some restaurants have a philosophy that the tables and chairs should be adequate, but not too comfortable, to encourage faster patron turnover. For example, those non-padded chairs with the seat and back at rigid 90 degree angles to each other. You want a nice cushioned seat that you can lean back on a little, mull away and shoot the breeze.

    I’ve been a big fan of the booth for many a year.

    3. Space

    A good seating plan is also important. You don’t want to be sitting right next to a couple of strangers. And a word of caution, if that couple is just staring at one another and not talking, that means they’re eavesdropping on your conversation. That’s certainly what I’m doing, anyway.

    A good restaurant has plenty of space between tables. And a perfect restaurant is only ever at 50 per cent capacity. Though it’s a fine line finding an eatery that’s good enough to be popular and stay in business, yet not an overcrowded cattle yard.

    When restaurants are packed with guests, it can get quite loud, which is why a perfect restaurant has carpeted floors and soft curtains or tapestries on the walls to absorb the sound. Floorboards and sheer flat wall surfaces reflect noise and can make you feel like you’re dining in a crowded parking garage.

    And no one wants to sit anywhere near the kitchen, bathroom or any high traffic area where you’re likely to get bumped by elbows and hear noises you’re not particularly interested in. Speaking of which, if this restaurant has a guy with a guitar or other obtrusive musical instrument wandering around offering to sing to unsuspecting couples, that’s an instant deal-breaker for perfect restaurant.

    4. Service

    After ambience, the most important thing is the service. Australian restaurants have a reputation for substandard service. This is an unfortunate by-product of our lack of tipping culture. By comparison, in the United States, waiting staff can’t wait to top up your water or check if you need anything because they know good service means a friendly gratuity.

    The best thing about American restaurants is the virtually universal rule of complimentary soft drink refills. Go anywhere, and if you buy a cola, you can drink as much as you like. But here on the driest continent on Earth, the drinks are damn expensive, and if you want another watered down lemonade, that’ll be another $4.50. Unless of course you’re dining at Hungry Jack’s or TGI Friday’s.

    But you can’t beat good service. In a perfect restaurant, the staff are always one move ahead.

    5. The food, I guess…

    Lastly, the thing that will keep you coming back: the food. There’s no point dining in a magnificently appointed restaurant if the food is terrible. It’s got to be good. Simple as that. But you already knew that one.

    If you can find a restaurant that has all of these things and doesn’t hurt your pocket, you may have just found the world’s best place to dine.

    Make sure you tell just enough friends about it to keep the place from going out of business.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Don’t make the same mistake I did.

  • It’s high time James Bond came to Australia

    Australian James Bond

    Skyfall is out now (not in Australia)!

    I’m a big Bond fan.

    Favourite Bond film = GoldenEye.

    Favourite Bond actor = Roger Moore.

    I’ll watch a Bond film no matter where it’s set. But I reckon it’s about time 007 visited Australia. I should write something on this exact topic… oh wait, I already did!

    Ha-ha-have a look at this thing I wrote for The Punch: Bond should go down under, and I ain’t talking about ladies.

    All my good gags are over there.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Actually, I was talking about the ladies.

  • Punch The Drum to summon David M. Green

    Greetings!

    I was all over the Internet last week, making my debut on two of Australia’s most read opinion blogs.

    Earlier in the week I made a stand against Australian five cent coins on The Punch.

    And on Wednesday, an event rarer than a total solar eclipse (and that took a while for me to work out, so I hope you appreciate that fun fact) inspired me to write a piece for The Drum on conscience votes in Australian federal politics.

    Click the links above to read my articles on those respective websites.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    The Internet. It’s the way of the… present.