David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Category: My Two Cents

  • 800 million reasons to hate the new Facebook Timeline

    I don’t like it and I don’t want it.

    The big wigs over at “Facelessbook” tell us their 800 million users (11 per cent of the world’s entire population) will now be forced to adopt the new Timeline layout.

    And I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I declare this to be history’s greatest disaster. Thanks a lot, Zuckerberg.

    The much heralded “New Facebook” design is bad ergonomics.

    Users of “Facebook Classic” will know that everyone’s most recent status updates are at the top of the page, and to trace backwards requires a simple vertical glance downwards, like so: (follow the red arrow)

    Viewing Timeline on a computer requires your eyes to dart left and right around the screen, zigzagging down the page, searching for some sort of chronological consistency.

    Compare the above design to the Timeline layout:

    It’s the equivalent of designing a stove with controls that don’t line up with the hotplates, or a speedometer with no numbers on it.

    If I land on a friend’s Facebook page and they have the Timeline, I usually leave straight away. I don’t care about whatever benefits they’re toting. I simply do not want to look at it.

    Now, I don’t have a problem with software giants changing the design of their user interfaces. But I do have a problem when it’s a forced change, and not one for the better.

    They’ve been doing this to us for years. Windows Media Player used to have the “play” button on the left of the screen. Then they moved it to the middle.

    The latest version of Internet Explorer moved the favourites menu to the opposite side of the page. Why? Because they can.

    I had to break years of mouse-moving habit in order to adapt. And even still, if I’m not concentrating, I’ll sometimes go for the old positions.

    And YouTube just made their new channel design mandatory as well.

    It rightly ruffles my feathers!

    Of course, they’re not all evil manipulative execu-nerds over there in Silicon Valley, driving around in their fancy convertibles, laughing at the thought of pissing off millions of users by making them change their habits.

    The good people who designed the Winamp multimedia player also catered for their long time users who don’t like change. With a simply click, you can revert back to the classic “skin”, where everything on the screen is where it should be.

    It’s quite possibly the greatest thing since sliced bread. Or rather, if there was such thing as sliced bread that – with the click of a button – could also be turned back into the classic unsliced variety of loaf.

    People don’t like change. That’s the only thing that stays the same.

    But is Mark Zuckerberg offering users the option to keep the old Facebook design? No he is not. And why should he? At this point there’s no incentive for the colour-blind monopoloid to cater to his “friends”.

    What are we gonna do? Go crawling back to MySpace? I don’t think so.

    But before you criticise me (probably on Facebook) for overreacting, I am aware this is a first world problem. No one’s starving to death because of some rearranged zeros and ones. At its worst, it’s just kind of irritating.

    There must be hundreds of thousands, if not millions of Australians who along with me, are lamenting waking up one morning to discover a Timeline where their Facebook page used to be.

    They’ve already converted the fan pages for myself and 31 Questions. They switched over on March 31.

    But what choice do we have? Could you imagine your modern lifestyle without Facebook? Impossible.

    It’s now so ingrained in our society there’s no way back. You don’t ask for someone’s phone number any more. You ask for the correct spelling of their name, so you can stalk them on the Internet.

    How on Earth are you supposed to remember anyone’s birthday? Write it down on a desk calendar? Absurd.

    And up until the late 00s, if you wanted to “poke” someone, etiquette dictates you needed to buy them a drink first.

    But, I suppose if being subjected to the Facebook Timeline is the worst thing that happens to you this month, you’re probably doing better than the 6.2 billion people who don’t have Facebook at all.

    They actually have real problems to deal with.

    Feathers can be unruffled.

    We will adapt. Reluctantly. We will learn to like. Reluctantly. We may even eventually give it one of those little thumbs up… Reluctantly.

    And then we’ll kick up a fuss when Facebook decides they want to change the Timeline to something else.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Reluctant Facebook user.

  • From the ashes of MTR

    The dream is over.

    When I applied for my 76th job for the year in May 2011 – a  “talent bank” advert for Melbourne Talk Radio – I had little hope it would turn into anything more than an unread email, and no idea it would actually turn into a full time position as the panel-operator & audio producer for The Steve Vizard Show, plus the guy who manages the station’s social media accounts and podcasts.

    And that’s what I’ve been doing for the last 6 months. It’s essentially been my life.

    Since moving from casual weekends to The Steve Vizard Show at the start of October, I never missed a shift. I panelled a total of #99 3-hour live talk radio shows and racked up 505 hours on the buttons.

    I can panel that show in my sleep.

    Working at MTR has been the most incredible experience of my life. And I don’t say that lightly.

    Hey, I would have been content if all I got out of this job was my first ever dedicated office phone line…

    I could finally put something in the (W) section of a standard application form!

    But MTR was obviously so much more to me than that.

    The people I had the great pleasure to work with every single day are some of the most talented and hard-working individuals I’ve ever met. In any industry.

    But it broke our hearts on Friday when the talk station went into administration and shut down, switching back over to easy listening.

    It’s a loss for Melbourne. It’s a loss for the Australian media landscape.

    Speaking now as an employee of no radio station, I can say without bias that the Melbourne radio market is easily big enough to support a second commercial talkback station. Just look at Sydney. And in terms of advertising dollars, Sydney has the smaller market.

    Talk is the future of radio. The future of music is the mp3 player.

    It can be done. It should be done. And I predict that eventually, someone with vision will come along and give 3AW a proper run for their vast piles of money.

    Other commentators will postulate why MTR failed. And there are many theories. But let me just say, we all had a hell of a good time. Towards the end, it was essentially 15 people running an entire Melbourne radio station!

    As Steve Price told us at a farewell dinner on Monday, it was a two-year long party. And I’m glad I was along for the ride for 9 months.

    For an accurate summary of the events that lead to MTR’s demise, see Michael Bodey’s article in The Australian.

    In true comic style however, I chose to sign a 12-month lease on February 29 for an apartment in Hawthorn just 5 minutes from the former MTR studios in Richmond.

    48 hours later, I lost my job.

    CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!?!

    Is it too much to ask for JUST A WEEK of convenience?!!?

    I’m moving house on Saturday. So this really is the start of a new chapter in the life of DMG.

    I’ve lived in this wonderful share house in Coburg for two years. Team Bell Street rescued me from the horrid squalor of  three weeks in Altona. However, I feel it’s time to take the next step and get my own space.

    As I’ve already made this decision, this puts me in a tricky position. I will need to find another job reasonably quickly, or risk the embarrassment of being bailed out by my Mother.

    But that’s show biz, kid. Highest of highs. Lowest of lows.

    One day you’re the most important guy who ever lived. The next, you’re some schmoe working in a box factory.

    Of course, if you’re reading this and thinking your box factory could use a little more David M. Green, by all means send me an email. We have the technology.

    On the plus side, this does give me more time to dedicate to my upcoming TV game show 31 Questions. It would have been a slightly wasted opportunity, had I not been able to put 100% into what will be the largest creative project I’ve yet undertaken.

    I will be on television later this year, with or without a job. Like some sort of radio phoenix, rising from the ashes of MTR.

    I’ll leave you with a brief look at just a fraction of what I had the great privilege of doing at Melbourne Talk Radio these past 9 months. Enjoy.

    [display_podcast]

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Off the buttons. For now.

  • Subway: 10 years without cranberry sauce

    As media consumers, we hear about some of the big issues: asylum seekers, the economy, climate change. But for too long, the mainstream media have been shunning society’s real problems. Why is there no cranberry sauce at Australian Subway restaurants?

    This year marks one decade since cranberry sauce was unceremoniously removed from the popular sandwich restaurant’s sauce menu. How this is not front page news escapes me.

    But for ten years, Subway has continued to serve turkey. How have they been getting away with this? What good is turkey without cranberry? It’s like a ying without a yang. Or Lady GaGa in her birthday suit.

    Since 2002, I have been making a point to ask my Subway sandwich artist for cranberry sauce. I figured if I kept asking for it, eventually they would put it back on the menu. Sadly, not the case.

    I called head office. I asked them why they chose to remove such a fine sauce from their repertoire. Apparently the removal of cranberry was to ensure all Subway restaurants in Australia had the same menu.

    So why not have cranberry sauce at all of them? Why instigate conformity by limiting choice?

    Their recommended condiment for a six inch turkey sub is now “honey mustard”. Honestly, why don’t I just eat out of a toilet?

    I’ve tried to find a diplomatic solution. I even asked my local Subway restaurant if I could buy a jar of cranberry sauce and keep it behind the counter so I can use it at my discretion whenever I dine in.

    They told me they would only agree to it if they could let other people use MY cranberry sauce. Firstly, they can buy their own damn sauce! And secondly, well wouldn’t that therefore prove there’s a demand for it?

    In an act of desperation, on a couple of occasions I have actually brought my own cranberry sauce into Subway, with which management didn’t seem to have a problem. They had more of a problem with the knife that I also brought in to spread it. Turns out the practice of bringing knives into service stations is generally frowned upon.

    I used to love Subway. But this whole cranberry sauce ordeal has put a sour, sauce-less taste on the whole dining experience. It’s very disappointing. Might I even say un-Australian?

    If you walk into any independent Australian eatery that has sandwich-making facilities, you’ll probably be greeted by a good old Aussie battler with a wife beater singlet and a twinkle in their eye.

    Sure, he might not have all his teeth and you might have to turn a blind eye to a few hygiene issues, but you can be damn certain they’ll have the option of cranberry sauce! But not Subway.

    Eat fresh?

    I’m not so sure.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Jellied or whole berries. I don’t mind.

  • You write one mX article about online dating and suddenly you’re a guru…

    Who does The Age turn to when they need someone to admit they’ve used an online dating mobile app? Because there were no bigger idiots available… me!

    Click here for Jane Lee’s article: An app-etite for love, featuring a couple of quotes from me, or someone with my exact name and photo, I can’t really remember.

    NB – I offer no useful advice.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Somewhat appt

  • Adelaide Advertiser FAIL.

    On a recent trip to my home town, I was reminded once again how The Advertiser, Adelaide’s only daily newspaper, is just… terrible.

    Without even trying to find fault, the complete incompetence of that newspaper bursts forth from its tabloid pages.

    And forget about the actual JOURNALISM for a second! How about some FREAKING common sense!?!

    Nice placement of the FOOD SECTION:

    100 children dying of hunger daily… Shaken and stirred! The secret to Alessandro Pavoni’s 17-minute risotto! MmmmMMMmmm…

    And this one’s been frustrating me for years. I can’t believe they haven’t redesigned their reader opinion results graph yet.

    Firstly, let’s see how a newspaper with a trace of common sense presents their results. This is from Melbourne’s Herald Sun (oddly enough, owned by the same company – News Ltd):

    Quite clearly, more people voted “NO” than “YES”. Okay. All good.

    But how does the Adelaide Advertiser present their reader results? Like this:

    WHY!?!

    WHY DO THEY DO THIS!?!

    What is the point of THAT ARROW? It serves NO PURPOSE! Other than to confuse the reader.

    If it’s a majority of YES, the arrow points to NO! IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE!

    It’s like they stole a graphic from the 2007 Federal election and slapped an arrow on it for no reason.

    And it’s not like this is a recent graph design. From memory they started printing that graph maybe 2008 or 2009? And they’ve been doing it ever since.

    Adelaide is a one paper town, badly in need of a broadsheet alternative.

    It fills me with great annoyance every time I return and catch a glance at the paper on my parents’ kitchen table. At least I don’t have to look at it every day.

    If you do, you have my sympathy.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Newspaper critic.