David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Category: Palace Nova Cinema

  • Week of Things

    Greetings all,

    It’s been a turbulent week for David M. Green (me). Let’s start with the good news… I won my raw comedy heat! I attended heat #3 at Adelaide’s “The Rhino Room” just one day shy of exactly one year since my appearance at Raw Comedy 2009. I was surprised with how well I was received by the packed room. I guess you go over the routine in your head so many times beforehand that it loses all meaning and you can’t remember why you thought it was funny. Here’s a still of me in action:

    Of the 9 stand-up appearances I’ve made so far, I do believe Thursday night was my best. I think I’ve “found myself.” I compared this year’s video with last year’s and I suddenly had a new perspective. I immediately thought of my 2009 appearance: “Wow… I was really awkward, and not that funny.” I was doing a more bumbling version of myself, whereas this year I was just me and I took a more personal approach with my material (and not in a disgusting way) that I think set me apart from the other comedians. So anyway, I was declared one of the two winners for the evening, which means I’ve made it through to the semi-finals. Slight complication, I’m moving to Melbourne in 2 weeks and the South Australian Raw Comedy semi-finals are in 3 weeks, and in Adelaide (obviously), so I guess I’ll have to come back for the day. If my next appearance goes as well as the heat, it’ll certainly be worth it. Of course, that’s never a given…

    Like all my stand-up appearances, this one was recorded in video form. However, as I have to do the same routine at the semi-finals, I’ll hold off uploading it to YouTube (to avoid further joke spoilage). Stay tuned for more details…

    In other news, less success on the “living close to the Melbourne CBD” quest, but that’s okay, because I’m actually really looking forward to spending more time with two former Adelaidean friends of friends (who, at a personal request, wish to remain nameless) in their fine Altona abode. Along with the reduced rent comes a quiet suburban house with good (albeit anonymous) company. It will be similar to the Adelaide set-up I’ve got now, living in Seacliff and working in the city. Living in Altona and working/studying in the Melbourne CBD won’t be too difficult to adjust to, as these maps illustrate…

    Interestingly, both suburbs are about 14km from their respective central business districts. However, I couldn’t take that exact route seeing as though helicopters are unaffordable at this stage in my entertainment career. From my house in Seacliff to the single Adelaide Railway Station it’s about 20-25 minutes on an express train (40 minutes stopping all stations). To catch the train from Altona to the underground Melbourne Central Station, right across the street from RMIT, it’s 25 minutes stopping all stations! Electrification is certainly the way to go. Of course, if you’re a motorist, Adelaide does have its advantages; abundant cheap parking, no toll roads and an easy-to-navigate grid system that puts Melbourne’s suburban layout to shame. It’s only 20 minutes to drive from my house to Adelaide. As a thrifty individual at the best of times, I certainly couldn’t see myself taking the tolled West Gate Freeway/Citylink when I’m a poor student again. I’m planning on selling my car anyway and relying purely on trains and trams. Don’t much care for buses though. However, on a side note I was shocked to discover that as a post-graduate student I’m NOT entitled to a student concession fare! Even though I’m a full fee-paying ($12,000), full-time student I still have to pay full price for train tickets. That’s ridiculous. I shall be joining the next protest meeting… assuming it’s not to expensive to get there.

    In Palace Nova cinema news, I found out yesterday that I won a little staff competition they were running. I had the highest average candy bar sale over the December/January period, entitling me to a $300 Myer voucher! This’ll certainly come in handy for buying furniture (possibly a bed) in Melbourne. It makes a nice going away present, actually. I handed in my letter of resignation a few days ago. It was sad. I’d never actually written a resignation letter before. I seem to have a history of ending employment through just having my shifts stop (Kmart), the store closing down (GameTraders) or being replaced with a computer (SAFM). This was the first great job I actually had to leave under my own accord.

    But now for some sadder news. After a little over 2 years, Jemima and I decided to end our relationship on Friday. This had been a long time coming, as I’ve been planning on moving to Melbourne for many months and we had already decided we didn’t want to “settle down” together. It’s been a fantastic 2 years and I’m certainly a much richer person for having known her. I’d be happy to write her a letter of recommendation.

    Understandably this week has been quite stressful for me. From my whirlwind visit to Melbourne, to the nerves of preparing for the Raw Comedy stand-up, breaking up with Jemima and quitting my fabulous cinema job. I’ve done a lot of walking and not had much of an appetite so I’ve lost a bit of weight. I’m actually feeling rather sick right now with a sore throat and that “stuffed-up” feeling. This used to happen to me after my first university exams. Your immune system fights it off until the hard work is finally finished, then you get ill.

    Actually, I kinda like it when I’m nervous and stressed-out because that means I’m breaking new ground and challenging myself. It’s a good thing.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    One stand-up guy.

  • Someone up there likes me!

    Greetings!

    Last night I returned to Adelaide from 37 hours in Melbourne! I’ve definitely made the right choice to relocate for 2010. Let me give you the run down…

    The main point of the trip was to meet up with some people looking for flatmates (remind me to thank the guy who invented the Internet, I’m pretty sure it was Al Gore) and check out their places of residence. I checked out 3 places fairly close to the city (nothing locked-in yet, still pending decisions). Special thanks must go to former friend of a friend, and now legitimate friend (I would insert her name here but she wishes not to be identified for privacy reasons) for being my fabulous Melbourne hostess.

    It all started Sunday morning, 5am. I’m really not a morning person. Usually when I wake up before 9am I just feel sick. This was no exception. I drove myself in the dark to Adelaide Airport and parked in the long term parking lot. Luckily for me there was a shuttle bus waiting right there to take me to the main terminal. I don’t think I would have made the flight had it not been for that bus. In an incredible coincidence, “Ms Nameless,” who recently moved to Melbourne, but was back in Adelaide visiting friends, was returning to Melbourne and was on the exact same flight. However, as she was able to check in online (and my computer wouldn’t let me, for some reason… remind me to send a stern letter to Al Gore) she had a great seat up the front, which of course is the quietest and smoothest part of the plane, and I had to make do with a seat in the 2nd to last row at neither the aisle or window. We arrived at Tullamarine and caught the Skybus into the city. We then caught a train to her house in Altona (check Google Maps to see how far away that is. Although having been there now it’s not that bad). She shares the place with another guy (also nameless), also a former Adelaidean and enjoyer of fine Simpsons quotations. Here’s their house, which is pretty awesome I must say (on the inside of course. Can’t say I like the bricks. Orange is my least favourite colour for building materials. Give me those bricks that are so dark they’re black anyday… hoho mmm…):

     

    And get a load of the house directly across the street:

    It’s like someone beached a tugboat and converted it into some kind of “land shanty.” I imagine it’s the kind of house that “Adam” from On The Yacht would live in, if indeed he did live on land… But enough of these in-jokes.

    So anyway, “Altona Girl” freshened up and “Altona Guy” drove us to the famed Brunswick Street in Fitzroy for a quick lunch. I must say, from the 15 minutes I spent there, I could tell I was going to be back again and again. There are just so many places in Melbourne that look like an ’80s surburban lounge room with wood-panelled table-top arcade games. I couldn’t stay long as I had houses to check out, so I hopped a tram back to the city and checked out West Melbourne and Kensington. By this stage I was starting to realise how tired I was. It doesn’t matter if I have to wake up early. I still go to bed at the same time (1:30am-ish). This, combined with all the walking around was taking its toll. I went back to Altona and foolishly had fish & chips for dinner. I regretted it as soon as I finished eating. Should have gone for something healthier, but the smell was so tempting. I probably should have gone to sleep at that point but when the opportunity to watch Fletch on DVD comes along, I just can’t say no. Chevy Chases’s finest work, in my opinion.

    I was expecting to sleep on the couch but “Lady Unaknowledged” very kindly offerred her bed to me (not in a sexual way. Obviously then SHE would take the couch). I politely declined but then she pointed out how tall I was, and how short the couch was, so I agreed. However, she was a lot more tired than I was, and by the time Fletch was alluding LAPD in the stolen white Porche, she said she’d just go lie down and when I was ready to turn in, we’d “do swapsies.” I made it to the end of the film but by that stage “Madam” was fast asleep. I stood at her door pondering… but eventually concluded that I just couldn’t kick HER out of HER OWN bed. Call me sexist if you will, and many do, but I kinda had to “be a man” at that point and sleep on the couch. Indeed, I was about 30 centimetres too tall to sleep on it comfortably, so after 20 minutes or so I arranged the couch cushions on the floor and slept there. Pretty good actually. Hotels are for people who don’t have friends.

    Then it was Monday. I caught the train back into town. I must say the trains in Melbourne are so much smoother and faster than Adelaide, and a much more extensive network. Adelaide certainly needs to get its public transport act together. Checked out another house in Kensington, returned to the CBD to visit RMIT University, where I was recently accepted to study post-graduate journalism. Having never been there before, I was relieved to find it was a pretty excellent looking campus, right near pretty much everything. I got my student card and explored around. I found the RMITV office but it was closed. I shall return.

    I had a few hours to kill before my return flight, and I brought some resumes with me just in case of such a situation. Obviously I’ll be needing some sort of casual job in Melbourne. For the last year I’ve been working at the Palace Nova Cinema on Rundle Street. It’s been fantastic and I’ve really been dreading leaving and having to pay money for movies again. So I caught a short tram up to Lygon Street in Carlton to check out Melbourne’s premier art house cinema, the Cinema Nova. I introduced myself to the manager and handed him my resume. To my surprise, he literally hired me on the spot! Jesus, the first place I apply to! That really takes a lot of the stress of moving cities away now, knowing that I’ll have a job waiting for me. Now all I need is a place to live… But more on that later I suppose… And if all goes badly, “The Dame of Altona” says I can stay in Altona until I find something closer. They have a spare room!

    Ahh good fortune. It’s very… fortunate.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Like the number plates, “On The Move.” Or “The Garden State,” which ever is more relevant to my situation.

  • Tales from The Palace

    Hi film fans,

    This past week I’ve worked 36 hours. That’s full time… in France… But the spike in hours isn’t due to a request on behalf of my drug habit, nor is it due to a mad scientist with a time machine, treading on the spacetime continuum, for this week was the 2009 Adelaide Film Festival, and thus there was more demand for my ticket-selling skills at the Palace Nova Cinema.

    The Adelaide Film Festival truly is the “who’s who” of the Adelaide Film Festival industry. The things I saw. The things I heard. The things I smelt… Are just 60% of my past week’s experiences, as sampled by my sensory input. By far the highlights of the week were seeing host of “At The Movies” on SBS, TV’s David Stratton (I recognise that beard anywhere). I also couldn’t seem to get away from the familiar wheezings of Bob Ellis, who looks like he’s about to die (just an observation). When I first saw him, I knew he was a somebody, but I couldn’t pick him. Then I had a flashback to season 1 or 2 of the SBS comedy show “Pizza” (you know, when it was still kinda good) and I remembered Bob Ellis had a cameo, playing the Premier of New South Wales. The glory days of Bob Ellis are long gone.

    Meanwhile, at the candy bar, I served Stephan Elliot (director of “Priscilla, Queen of the Desert”), TV’s Quentin, Triple J’s Sam Simmons and some guy who I remember thinking would look a lot like Hugo Weaving if he lost the beard, and who I later discovered was actually Hugo Weaving.

    I also learned a valuable lesson regarding throwing out drinks that still contain significant amounts of liquid: Pour the liquid out first, before you throw the cup in the garbage. This will help to avoid spilling several litres of coke right in front of Michael Atkinson, South Australian Attorney General. Hmm… I wonder if he’ll censor this…

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Didn’t get a chance to see any of the movies myself though…

  • Not working in a coal mine, but still working.

    A co-workerly good morning to the proletariat in you!

    David M. Green here. Man, have I been working this weekend? Yes. Hard. And for 3 different employers! Let me give you the run-down… First I worked at the Palace Nova Eastend cinema:

    Then I delivered some pizzas:

    Then I took a drive to scenic Uraidla in the Adelaide Hills to dress up as “Spike,” the lovable Adelaide and Mount Lofty Ranges Natural Resources Management Board Echidna:

    Thus perfectly executing the comedian’s “rule of three!”

    But anyway, a fun, profitable, and tiring weekend. Most fun of all was dressing up as a giant purple echidna. I think I looked a bit like “Sonic the Hedgehog,” so much so I think I could potentially assume his identity and steal some rings from a jewellery store… COULD… There’s something about being in a costume that creates a catalyst for hugging. Everyone wanted to hug me! Sure, a few people wanted to hurt me, but luckily Mandy, my chaperon, kept them at bay. Although on one occasion while she was doing this I walked into a pole… My giant head cushioned the impact. Also, the costume. But mostly it was a beautiful day filled with hugs, bouncy comic walking, posing for photos and bringing joy and fear to children. Could a guy ask for anything more? Plus I got to see Uraidla, a town in the Adelaide Hills I’d never even heard of. Fun and learning. Certainly a day to blog about.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Jesus I’m tired.