David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Category: photos

  • RIP Grandma Terry

    Last night, my Grandma, Terry Lawlor-Smith, died in her McLaren Vale nursing home, in the presence of family members. She was 78.

    We were close, and during the time we had, we had some great times. From a very young age, right up until I was almost 18, I would regularly stay with her in McLaren Vale. We’d see movies and hire videos and play carpet bowls and Grand Canasta. For the first 10ish years, she drove me around, then for the last few, I drove her. She showed me how to make an excellent roast, which still has the rest of the family marvelling at my fantastic cooking ability. The funny thing is it’s not even that hard; peel vegetables, coat them with oil and cook them for an hour, there you go.

    As a child, I rarely drank soft drinks. It wasn’t until I started working at Kmart and I was earning my own money that I started buying my own and keeping it in my little fridge. So when I was little, going to Grandma’s and having unlimited access to all the caffeine-free diet coke I could drink was a real treat. I probably took it a little too far… But to you I say, don’t knock it until you get up in the morning, and pour yourself a bowl of porridge and a glass of coke. Hmm mmm.

    Grandma was a smoker. She quit in the mid 1990s but she smoked for practically her whole life. Understandably this had quite an affect on her ability to breathe, and any small cold quickly turned into a trip to the hospital. To the smokers out there today, to you I say, you are idiots. The evidence has existed for decades now, that smoking will eventually kill you. If it weren’t for cigarettes, my Grandma would still be alive today, or at the very least, her quality of life would have been much better in her final years. But really, that’s what it’s all about; “quality of life.” Who wants to live to be 100 if you don’t know where you are and can’t do anything yourself? It was Grandma’s decision not to return to hospital, and I respect that.

    I last saw her on Monday. I told her the latest news with me. She said it was good to see me and we each said “I love you.” Of course it’s sad. But hey, that’s life. I’m really going to miss her.

    Yours sincerely,
    David M. Green

  • New Voice on the Block/Air/Air-Block

    Ho (as in, “hi ho”, not commenting on your promiscuity or anything…),

    I’m not sold on selling my body, ironically, however this hasn’t stopped me from selling my voice, of which I am now sold, and my voice is now for sale! Allow me to explain coherently… I have joined the Allan Miller Fast Voice-Over agency, specialising in character voices. Click here to hear my 1-minute demo, or visit Allan Miller Fast Voice-Overs to find out more info, including how to hire me (but just my voice, remember?).

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Hearing voices is a good thing

  • Wildcard draws David M. Green to Raw Comedy Semi-Finals, four.

    Gentlemen, and to a lesser extent, ladies (not being sexist, just a reflection of my website visitor statistics),

    Well, I wasn’t funny enough to be a winner on night #3 of the SA Raw Comedy stand-up contestations, but that hasn’t stopped me from receiving remedial assistance from Raw’s coveted “wildcard programme.” So this means I’ll be doing stand-up again. This time at Adelaide’s “PJ O’Brien’s” on East Tce (an establishment I have never had a reason to go to before), on Tuesday March 10th at 9pm.

    So once again, if you wish to see me perform stand-up live (only for the 4th time ever), feel free to buy a ticket through the Adelaide Fringe Festival office, or at the door on the night. But if you can find a way to sneak in for free, what the hell do I care? I’m not getting paid anything for this, so go nuts. Go there the night before with a friend and drink each other under the table. Then just stay there for 20 hours disguised as a sticky patch of floor, and you’re laughing! Literally… hopefully anyway… Either that or you’ll develop Korsakoff’s syndrome…

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Ironically, most stand-up comedians are a joke

  • Not working in a coal mine, but still working.

    A co-workerly good morning to the proletariat in you!

    David M. Green here. Man, have I been working this weekend? Yes. Hard. And for 3 different employers! Let me give you the run-down… First I worked at the Palace Nova Eastend cinema:

    Then I delivered some pizzas:

    Then I took a drive to scenic Uraidla in the Adelaide Hills to dress up as “Spike,” the lovable Adelaide and Mount Lofty Ranges Natural Resources Management Board Echidna:

    Thus perfectly executing the comedian’s “rule of three!”

    But anyway, a fun, profitable, and tiring weekend. Most fun of all was dressing up as a giant purple echidna. I think I looked a bit like “Sonic the Hedgehog,” so much so I think I could potentially assume his identity and steal some rings from a jewellery store… COULD… There’s something about being in a costume that creates a catalyst for hugging. Everyone wanted to hug me! Sure, a few people wanted to hurt me, but luckily Mandy, my chaperon, kept them at bay. Although on one occasion while she was doing this I walked into a pole… My giant head cushioned the impact. Also, the costume. But mostly it was a beautiful day filled with hugs, bouncy comic walking, posing for photos and bringing joy and fear to children. Could a guy ask for anything more? Plus I got to see Uraidla, a town in the Adelaide Hills I’d never even heard of. Fun and learning. Certainly a day to blog about.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Jesus I’m tired.

  • Howard Jones synth-pops into Adelaide

    Well, as no one else I knew had even heard of Howard Jones, let alone wanted to pay $70 to see him, last night I went to see Howard Jones by myself, thus proving my undying dedication to ’80s New Wave music! Conclusion: awesome. Rolling Stone Magazine didn’t name him 1986 keyboard player of the year for nothing, and by george he’s still got it. I didn’t know if he was going to hit the high notes in “Like to Get to Know You Well” and “Look Mamma” because I’d seen some recent live footage of Peter Gabriel and he’d been forced to sing “Big Time” a little more conservatively, but Howard Jones is still living the dream…

    I never thought I’d see the day when a crowd of Australians would be chanting “Howard! Howard! Howard!” again. Even funnier, Howard Jones’s full name is “John Howard Jones!” I suppose “John Jones” is a bit plain for an ’80s pop star. Advertised online was “Howard Jones plus special guests (TBA).” The special guests turned out to be Howard Jones. I’d never seen a musician open for himself before, but Howard Jones watches out for Howard Jones. He wasn’t going to leave Howard Jones hanging. So he casually walked out on stage and played some solo songs on a keyboard. It was about as acoustic as Howard Jones gets, even though it was still an electronic keyboard, but hey, I didn’t want to make a big deal of it. Then after half an hour, he went backstage, put on a tie and came out for the electro set. Outstanding!

    It’s interesting, I’d put him in the same category as Phil Collins, The Pet Shop Boys and Tears for Fears and he’s had just about as many hits as them too, but for some reason Howard Jones just isn’t as famous. But that’s fine with me, because I got to see him in a really intimate setting, with maybe around 200 other people. It was like a secret show just for us. For the record, he started the electro set with “Conditioning” (which I hadn’t actually heard before, but it’s fantastic live. I just hope the version I’m downloading now is as good!) and of course he also played his other well-knowns “Things Can Only Get Better,” “Everlasting Love,” “Life in One Day” and “No One is to Blame.” I’m sorry I can’t remember the rest. I actually only heard a couple of his albums, but the great thing about loving ’80s music is I can discover songs I’ve never heard before, and to me, it’s like it’s a brand new song (although that won’t last forever, hehe). I’ve got a couple of actual 12-inch records, including the appropriately named “The 12-Inch Album,” but I plan to build my Howard Jones collection.

    A slight side track… I’m not much of a drinker. In fact, let’s be unambiguous. I don’t drink alcohol. Never really cared for it. But anyway, that’s beside my point. I bought a glass of diet coke from The Gov. I took my wallet out, expecting it to be maybe in the range of $2.50 to $3, which although is by no means cheap, is the amount I expect to get ripped off when I purchase a beverage from a public house. $3.70! Outrageous. And no free-refill or anything. That was it. And it wasn’t even a large glass. I would estimate maybe 120mL. 150 tops. To give you a sense of scale, here’s said over-priced drink next to my antiquated Nokia 1600:

    Ridiculous… And inevitably, the concert came to a close with Howard Jones finishing the evening with “New Song,” which is, ironically, also his oldest song. Excellent synthesiser solo. Definately worth $70.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Yes. Howard Jones.