David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Category: photos

  • Sunglasses for 10 summers

    How long do your sunglasses typically last before you lose them, sit on them or update them as fashion dictates? Two years? Three if you’re lucky?

    Try 10!

    My combination of looking after things and avoiding spending money, has meant my recently retired ocular sun-wear lasted me an entire decade!

    I bought the $30 Polaroid sunglasses from Target in early 2001, in preparation for the Sacred Heart College Middle School Year 9 golf camp.

    The cultural impact of “The Matrix” was just starting to make its mark on the Adelaide discount fashion industry. This was a few years before the “over-sized” craze of the mid ’00s, and in hindsight there’s definitely something “New Millennium” about those sunglasses.

    They certainly served me well.

    Whether it be driving a 1986 Toyota Corolla…

    Or driving a 2000 Toyota Corolla…

    Those sunglasses were always, if not attached to my face, then certainly within reach.

    But they weren’t just useful for driving. I wore those trusty sunglasses on many modes of transport, from Melbourne’s trams…

    To South Australia’s fabulous public transport network…

    Where ever there was sunlight, I was always prepared.

    I had a lot of good times in those sunglasses… if you know what I mean 😉

    From wandering around the Sydney Opera House…

    Scamming free tickets to things…

    And that time I almost fought in ‘Nam…

    To working for the man…

    To “working” for the man…

    Accosting celebrities at airports…

    Standing around in Port Adelaide for no reason…

    And just wasting time with friends…

    But the time to move on is now. Actually the time to move on was probably four years ago. Quite frankly, those sunglasses are kinda gross now. Those little plastic thingies that rest on my nose used to be see-through. Now they’re brown…

    So they’ve been banished away to the back of my desk drawer, next to my Rubix Cube and that mini Red Bull some promo girl gave me last year that I still have for some reason.

    My face now bears a new pair of sunglasses, which don’t actually look that much different and ironically, are themselves at least five years old…

    When I was working at GameTraders Norwood in December 2005, some guy came in and left his – what I assume to be very expensive – Ray-Ban shades on the counter.

    So I put them in the draw and after a week and no inquiries, claimed them as my own.

    And since then they’ve been waiting in the wings for the moment I killed my primary pair. But curse my habit of not breaking or losing things! They sat in my drawer for FIVE YEARS!

    Look out that window. You had your time. The future is our world, old sunglasses. The future is… our time.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Look after your things. And don’t stare directly into the sun.

  • Adelaide Advertiser FAIL.

    On a recent trip to my home town, I was reminded once again how The Advertiser, Adelaide’s only daily newspaper, is just… terrible.

    Without even trying to find fault, the complete incompetence of that newspaper bursts forth from its tabloid pages.

    And forget about the actual JOURNALISM for a second! How about some FREAKING common sense!?!

    Nice placement of the FOOD SECTION:

    100 children dying of hunger daily… Shaken and stirred! The secret to Alessandro Pavoni’s 17-minute risotto! MmmmMMMmmm…

    And this one’s been frustrating me for years. I can’t believe they haven’t redesigned their reader opinion results graph yet.

    Firstly, let’s see how a newspaper with a trace of common sense presents their results. This is from Melbourne’s Herald Sun (oddly enough, owned by the same company – News Ltd):

    Quite clearly, more people voted “NO” than “YES”. Okay. All good.

    But how does the Adelaide Advertiser present their reader results? Like this:

    WHY!?!

    WHY DO THEY DO THIS!?!

    What is the point of THAT ARROW? It serves NO PURPOSE! Other than to confuse the reader.

    If it’s a majority of YES, the arrow points to NO! IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE!

    It’s like they stole a graphic from the 2007 Federal election and slapped an arrow on it for no reason.

    And it’s not like this is a recent graph design. From memory they started printing that graph maybe 2008 or 2009? And they’ve been doing it ever since.

    Adelaide is a one paper town, badly in need of a broadsheet alternative.

    It fills me with great annoyance every time I return and catch a glance at the paper on my parents’ kitchen table. At least I don’t have to look at it every day.

    If you do, you have my sympathy.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Newspaper critic.

  • I want candy… wait, what?

    On a recent peruse through the supermarket aisles, searching to satisfy my notorious sweet tooth, I came across a small spelling discrepancy. Allow me to illustrate…

    Exhibit A – Foodland, Brighton, SA

    Exhibit E – Woolworths, Coburg, Vic.

    I am confused. To be honest, I wasn’t completely sure which version was correct.

    But to my surprise, believe it or not, according to dictionary.com, BOTH spellings are acceptable:

    “Confectionery”
    noun, plural -er·ies
    1. confections or sweetmeats collectively.
    2. the work or business of a confectioner.
    3. a confectioner’s shop.

    “Confectionary”
    noun, plural -ar·ies
    1. a candy; sweetmeat.
    2. a place where confections are kept or made.
    3. confectionery.
    adjective
    4. pertaining to or of the nature of confections or their production.

    Go figure.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    For the record, I purchased Fruchocs at Foodland and a MilkyBar at Woolworths. HmmmMMMMmmmm… Ohhhh yeeeessss…

  • You thought Tiger Airways was incompetent…

    On one of my frequent trips to Coburg’s  fabulous Sydney Road (on a quest for some new tea towels) I dropped by one of those dirt cheap discount shops – you know, the ones over-stocked with Southeast Asian merchandise – when I came across this gem:

    Oooh… The “Aerobus”!

    But wait… That’s clearly an Airbus A380 inside. Even if you chalk the missing under-wing engine to creative license (The A380 has two engines on each wing), it’s clearly presented in A380 livery.

    But hang on… I’m confused?

    Why is it labeled as “Aerobus” if it’s an Airbus?

    And take a closer look at that silhouette. That doesn’t look like an Airbus. Maybe it’s one of these “Aerobuses” I’ve heard so much about?

    Or maybe it’s a silhouette of THIS plane, which is on the opposite corner of the box:

    Ah yes, the Boeing 787 Dreamliner. Of course. And this is related to the “Aerobus” how? Well, it’s a plane, I guess.

    Sure, it’s a different model of plane, and sure, it’s produced by a different manufacturer. But all planes are the same, right?

    According to “Aerobus”, these are some fine qualities you should look for in an aircraft:

    Frequent Flyer
    If they’re referring to the aircraft, I suppose this is a good thing. Yes, the “Aerobus” does frequently fly.

    Real Comfort
    Fantastic! I’m so over other airlines “unreal” comfort with their virtual seats and imaginary in-flight entertainment systems.

    Chief Efficient
    Well that’s lovely.

    Science Refreshed
    Why, who on Earth would want science that’s gone way past its use-by date? I’m sure the “Aerobus” corporation wouldn’t accept any aerospace engineering that had been out of the fridge for more than a couple of days.

    They’re really selling their plane on comfort:

    Am I to understand one can actually walk around, take a seat, relax, feel the “speace” AND enjoy the comfort?

    What is this, a PLANE FOR ANTS!?!

    It’s a toy! You can’t take a seat in it! For one, there are no seats in it! IT’S JUST A PLASTIC SHELL!

    The only comfort you’ll get from this model plane is if you’re one of those people who enjoys inserting things into yourself… Would that mean you qualify for the Mile High Club?

    This reminds me of that Simpsons episode where Mr Burns designs the “Spruce Moose”, a plane that can “fly 200 passengers from New York’s Idlewild Airport to the Belgian Congo in 17 minutes!”

    Mr Burns attempts to force Smithers at gunpoint into the plane, which is only a model, probably smaller than the “Aerobus” above.

    So in conclusion, people are idiots.

    Still, could be worse. It could say “Tiger Airways” on the side.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    No complaints about their selection of tea towels though.

  • Panelling it like it is.

    I’m proud to announce I’m back in the panel-operators’ club! I now work at Melbourne Talk Radio MTR1377!

    It’s been a long time since my last paid panel-operator gig at Adelaide’s SAFM ended with me being replaced by a computer.

    That was August 2008. I was young and inexperienced. And it was in that brief period after the job cuts of the global financial crisis but before the increased opportunities that came from digital radio. But hey, that’s all water under the burnt bridge… 😉

    So it’s only taken 3 years, a Graduate Diploma of Journalism, a move to Melbourne, and 76 job applications since October (not even joking), but I’ve finally found another job in radio.

    So far I’m enjoying working at MTR. Everyone I’ve met has been fantastic. There’s a strong news culture. And it’s no secret I’m a fan of talk back radio (See On The Yacht).

    I’ll be working on a casual and fill-in basis for now, which suits me perfectly, as that will allow me to work on my Channel 31 game show 31 Questions over the next few months. A big thank you to MTR operations manager Jason Taylor.

    I’m particularly enjoying the idea of working in the same building as Steve Vizard and my childhood TV hero, Glenn Ridge! Actually, it’s kinda strange having filmed that sketch with Glenn just last month, and now I’m seeing him every Saturday night when I arrive at MTR just as he leaves.

    So tune in to 1377AM if you’re in the Melbourne area, or listen online. You just might hear the audible results of me pressing buttons and moving faders.

    I’ll leave you now with a tune that sums up this moment perfectly, from a fellow panel-operator by the name of Radio’s Sam Mac…

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Back on the buttons!