David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Category: Richard Marsland

  • I’m moving to Melbourne. Moving to Melbourne now. And… just moved to Melbourne.

    Hello!

    Well firstly, apologies are in order. I’m sorry. Despite my urge to blog, I’ve had a lot of trouble finding a suitable Internet connection in which to do so. It’s been a hectic couple of weeks for me, and by extension, the nation. Especially the last few days, there hasn’t seemed to be enough hours in the day. Granted I was down 30 minutes from the start. Thank YOU Central Standard Time…

    Allow me to fill you in… Hello, I’m David M. Green. On Saturday February 13th I moved from Adelaide to Melbourne. Naturally there was a lot to organise, and it all seemed to happen all at once. Fortunately for me (or unfortunately), I didn’t have to move ALL my stuff. I was able to leave the majority of my junk at my parents’ house and only take “what I needed” with me to Melbourne. Sure, this means I don’t have to take as much, but it also means I have to decide what “I need.” It may have been easier to just take everything that’s mine… But anyway, I put together five largish boxes of various items and sent it over via a moving company. It was mostly stationery/office equipment, clothes, a few books and DVDs and two big ticket items: my bike and my printer. All up it came to about $230, which is pretty good, considering the bike alone is worth $400. Hopefully it’ll all arrive safely later this week.

    So while my freight travels by road, I caught a plane Saturday evening. There was a slightly teary goodbye to my Mum and sister Hannah at the airport. I’ve never lived out of home before, let alone a home 800km away… Oddly enough I seem to encounter constant reminders of why I’m doing this. On the drive to Adelaide airport, I saw a giant billboard for Channel Ten featuring fellow former Adeladian Shaun Micallef (who seems to be the “face” of Channel Ten ever since Rove went on hiatus). Then on the plane, listening to “The Smile High Club” with Adam Spencer on Qantas Radio, I heard a bunch of Shaun Micallef sketches from his recent comedy album “His Generation.” I recently borrowed that album from my good friend Gerard Kotlowy. I’m not a big fan of musical comedy, which was most of the album (although I LOVE Shaun’s Christopher Walken/David Bowie singing). My favourite sketch by far was “Dalgetty’s Fruit Wholesalers.” Fantastic! I’ve always been a big fan of satirical advertising. Richard Marsland has also been on my mind. Certainly the two of them (Micallef & Marsland) have walked the path that I’m walking now. They more than anyone else have set the standard for Adelaide-born comedians heading east for greater opportunities. This is just what I think anyway.

    So anyway, I’m here now. Enough of the speculative crap. I’m living in Altona in a 50 year-old house with two new housemates (but not in a voyeristic “Big Brother” way). Now, I would of course love to mention their names, but they’ve requested to remain anonymous. Evidentally this is what living with David M. Green will do to you… I will say however I’m living with one female and one male humanoid. They’ve both been living there for about a month. They’ve done a pretty good job settling in, but there’s still so much to organise. They still haven’t set up an Internet connection. For some reason, we can’t get “naked DSL” in our area (that means Internet without a phone land line, for my technologically inept readers. Oh yes, and well done on finding my website). So we have to get the phone line set up, but it’s still in the former resident’s name. It’s probably going to take some time. Luckily there’s wireless Internet access at RMIT, where I’m soon to start studying journalism, and I was smart enough to invest in a laptop.

    But Internet’s not the only thing I need. Granted, it’s practically on par with food, sleep and shelter. Speaking of which, I bought a bed on Sunday! I caught a train to Essendon, then a tram to Airport West and bought the “Galaxy bed package” from the hilariously titled “The Bed Factory.” $800 for a queen-sized bed frame, queen-sized mattress, quilt, sheets, 2 pillows and a 3-drawer bed-side table, including delivery and assembly. The words “good” and “freaking,” not necessarily in that order, immediately come to mind. It should arrive at the house later today, which will provide a welcome relief from the couch cushions I’ve been sleeping on the last 2 nights:

    “Housemate #1” was nice enough to let me sleep in her bed the first night (Thanks “#1!”). And thanks too to “Mr X.” for letting me use his spare desk and chair. That’ll save me some $$$!

    There’s lots of other things to organise. Can you believe “Anonymous Altona Housemates” had an iron but no ironing board? Not having much tolerance for creases myself, I promptly purchased one. Luckily “Nameless Guy” has a car, so I was able to get it home. It’d be a little tricky taking that on a tram. Although I must say, aside from things like that, I’m adjusting quite well to live without a car. If you’re going to do it anywhere in Australia, Melbourne is probably the best place for it. The trains and trams are VERY convenient. Although everyone still seems to complain about them. I guess I’m still comparing their public transport system to Adelaide’s. Probably once I’m here for a while I’ll start noticing the weaknesses. But until then I’m in Rail Heaven! Ahh Rail Heaven… where there are no fares and the trains are always on time…

    In other news I joined RMITV (RMIT’s student television organisation). Hopefully I’ll be able to get involved with their famed comedy/variety show, “Studio A.” After all, it was practically the whole freaking reason I came to RMIT… Are you reading this TV executives?

    Uni starts on March 1st. So until then I’ll continue getting settled. This morning I stopped by the Cinema Nova in Carlton to pick up my uniform. My first shift is on Friday! On Sunday, one of my “Unidentified Housemates” threw an “Anti-Valentine’s Day” soiree at the Altona house and invited some of her heart-broken single Melbourne friends. When asked by one of her Melbourne friends if I had a job yet, I responded “yeah, I’ve got a casual job at the Cinema Nova.” Her reaction was a gasp followed by “Really? I know people who have tried to get a job there for years!” Hehehe… They’re calling me “The Dude” now! Well… they aren’t. But they should.

    Although I appreciate the irony of the day, I’m not crazy about the seemingly spur of the moment decision by another one of her friends to shave his head and leave the cranial debris in our only bathroom sink:

    Now, I wasn’t overly annoyed with this. I did suggest someone possibly move the hair to a rubbish bin, but I was assured it would be “taken care of.” Unfortunately this task wasn’t completed before another anonymous individual, who was possibly also incognito, (and who, on a side note, kept calling me “Matt”) threw up in the sink… Now… I won’t subject you to the horrors of that image (and yes I DID take a photo). I’m not one for Internet censorship, but I do believe it’s just too gross. Not too gross for the Internet, but certainly too gross for davidmgreen.com. However, I WILL show you the expression on my face when I made this shocking discovery:

    Now I wouldn’t say I’m a “neat freak,” but I suppose it’s all relative. Personally, I just like being clean. To be honest, I don’t really want to re-live the rest of that night, but let’s just say thank GOD there was a Coles supermarket within walking distance that was open to midnight AND sold Draino.

    So anyway, I’ve done some things, but still have lots left to organise. To quote the advice of Howard Jones: “don’t try to live your life in one day.” I should probably keep that in mind. I will be here for (at least) a whole year, after all. But still, there’s so much to do! Speaking of which, I’ve got to go buy some towels and get home in time for my bed to be delivered. I’m a simple man. Just give me a bed and an ADSL connection and I’m happy.

    Kind regards,
    Melbourne’s David M. Green
    (Formally Adelaide’s David M. Green)

  • So it comes to this… A COMEDY SHOW ON TRIPLE M!

    Hey Hey!

    Okay, let’s get straight to it. Now that it’s been posted on the Triple M website, I can now reveal to YOU that Matty B, Nick Godfrey, Tim Wray, Adam Navarro and myself will be putting together a once off 2-hour comedy show that will go to air on the Triple M radio network on a Sunday night! WOW!

    THE Big Show Team Photo

    But how did we manage to scam our way into this? Good question. For reasons unknown, Triple M and some advertising people came up with the idea for this contest called “Semi-Pro Radio.” It’s a contest open only to people who work for the advertising or “creative” industry. I entered as an employee of “Allan Miller’s FAST Voice-overs” (technically they count… pretty clever huh?). Entrants put together a show proposal. A number of finalists are selected (13) and those finalists, one of them being us with our show: “THE Big Show,” get to fill 2 hours of air time on Triple M. Then after all shows go to air a winner is selected, yada yada yada something about fabulous prizes… You can read all the details here.

    But anyway… WE GET TO MAKE A COMEDY SHOW FOR TRIPLE M! This is a dream come true for me personally. Triple M’s “Get This” (from the comic genius of Tony Martin, Ed Kavalee & Richard Marsland) is still, and will probably always be, my favourite, and the GREATEST radio show of all time. I realise that there’s no way I could ever do a show as good as Get This. However, that’s what we’re gonna aim for. Hey, it’s a once off appearance. We might as well make it the absolute best, funniest, greatest 2 hours of radio we can. I don’t care if we don’t win. I just want to do a good show so afterwards I can say “yeah… that was pretty funny.” Plus I’ll get to reunite with Matty B, whom I rarely see these days as he lives in Sydney. It’s THE Big Show. Be on THE look out for it and of course, when I know more (like, WHEN it will air) I’ll put the info up here.

    On a personal note, tomorrow will mark one year to the day since I met and had lunch with Richard Marsland (of Get This fame… obviously). I don’t think I would be doing this show on Triple M if it had not been for the advice and assistance he gave me. I owe him a lot and I really wish he was still here to see this.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    MMM

  • 2009 Logies Review from a Non-viewer

    Hello,

    The 51st Annual TV Week Logie Awards: Australian television’s “night of nights.” I didn’t watch it. I was working. But if I wasn’t working, I may have had it on in the background… maybe… as I heard Shaun Micallef was presenting an award, and I tend to go out of my way to watch, listen or read anything with his name on it… I really haven’t been following it (the Logie thing) at all, eg. the nominees, the voting. I didn’t even know who hosted it until today (Gretel Killeen?!? Jesus… but more on that in a moment). I barely watch any free-to-air TV, not to mention any Australian shows. Even if I wanted to mention some, I’d have trouble, seeing as though I don’t watch any. Nor do I attend water cooler conversations. I’m usually oblivious to what’s “hot” on commercial TV. If anything important happens I usually discover it on the Internet before it appears on TV anyway… BUT… why am I bothering to contribute to the already numerous blog entries and articles out there pointing out how terrible the Logies were? Especially seeing as though I didn’t even watch it? Why? I’ll tell you why… It’s because I myself want to know “why?” Why does TV keep doing this? What do the decision-makers expect when they get Gretel Killeen to host it?!?

    I did watch Gretel’s intro on YouTube. Okay, so I didn’t quite “not watch” the whole thing. I lied slightly… But if that’s how the Logies started, I’m guessing that’s how the rest of it went: Weak material, phoney presenting and lame jokes from a host no one liked. And Gretel Killeen, as far as I can recall, hasn’t done anything on TV since the 2007 season of Big Brother. Why bring her back now? Just… why? Now… I’m not one for slandering people on the Internet, but JESUS H. CHRIST WHO COULD HAVE POSSIBLY THOUGHT THAT GRETEL KILLEEEN WOULD BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN APPALLING!?!?! Is the person who rubber-stamped that one TRYING to get fired? Who out there thought: “Hey, Gretel Killeen is hosting? Thank God, the Logies have been saved!”

    I of course also watched the short clip of Shaun Micallef presenting the award for best miniseries or telemovie. Hilarious. Shaun is fantastic. He’s properly funny, and it’s still my opinion that the BEST Logies were back in 2001 when Shaun himself was the host. He says it’s a tough room. I’m sure he’s right. But I myself am a tough room, not in the literal sense of course. But I can completely relate to being in an audience watching someone who’s not funny. When I’m in that situation, I generally don’t laugh. I would never expect someone to laugh unless something that was said or done was actually funny. It’s a pretty simple equation. Funny host = entertainment. Gretel Killeen isn’t funny. But brace yourself, because here’s something really bizarre… 

    Now, I don’t usually link to videos on my blog that aren’t my own, but I’ll break with tradition here because I’ve noticed something very interesting I’d like to draw to everyone’s attention. Here’s Gretel’s intro clip I saw. Have a look at this… (If it’s been taken down, try searching for “Gretel’s 2009 Logies intro” on YouTube or something)

    [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qj-G1dMpJ7k[/youtube]

    Okay. Did you notice Gretel was “shot” there and she fell over? Pretty funny right? Not particularly. And when you think about it… she kinda exploded… That’s really quite horrible. Not to mention confusing. I don’t even really know what she was going for… If anyone can explain it to me, please go ahead.

    But now for the bizarre thing I promised. Something about Gretel falling over and pretending to be dead at the Logies reminded me of something… Something from a long time ago. 8 years ago to be precise. I have a scrap book at home with various newspaper clippings, and I found this one from The Adelaide Advertiser circa March 2001, printed the week before Shaun Micallef was to host the Logies:

    If the font’s too small (and fair comment), click on the article and you’ll be taken to a larger version. High Definition Newspapers: The future is now. But anyway, the relevant part of the article I wish to draw your attention to is basically the first two paragraphs, which read:

    “COMEDIAN Shaun Micallef wanted to try something different to start the annual Logie award presentation this year. ‘I wanted to walk out on stage and begin my introduction spiel and then, about a minute into my dialogue, collapse on to the ground,’ Micallef recalls.
    ‘I thought it would be great if the network could ‘temporarily’ stop broadcast, go to a test pattern or something and then come back to me with a bandage or whatever around my head and have me continue the show.’
    Needless to say the producers disagreed.”

    Now hang on… wait a minute here… Shaun Micallef thought about falling over during his intro and the producers said NO? He goes on to say that if he really demanded to do it, the producers probably would have caved in and let him. So he COULD have done it, but he chose not to (His intro did contain several other physical gags, but none that involved falling over). Then 8 years later… Gretel Killeen’s hosting, and she decides it would be a good idea to collapse on stage. I wonder what the producers thought of this? Did they try to discourage her? Maybe they suggested it? Would it REALLY have been inappropriate for Shaun Micallef to do that joke back in 2001? Comedy was simpler back then, after all… It probably would have been funnier back then too, I imagine. But if you compare Shaun’s 2001 Logies intro to Gretel’s 2009 appall-a-tron, there’s simply no contest. Gretel didn’t say anything remotely funny, interesting or memorably. The only thing she did do was die on stage, and then pretend to die on stage (zing!). But isn’t that bizarre? I don’t quite know what to make of this… I mean, it’s hardly an original idea. Orson Wells did it in 1938. But still one wonders…

    Of course, there have been 7 other Logie ceremonies in between 2001 and 2009. In 2002 it was hosted by Wendy Harmer. I boycotted that one, and from most accounts she was comparable to Gretel. In 2003 and 2004 it was Eddie McGuire. Satisfactory, but it was like a sandwich with no filling. Sure, it had the two pieces of bread, but lacking in tasty content. From 2004 to 2007 the squabbling networks couldn’t agree on any single host so they each threw in a representative and “shared” the role. Then last year there was NO HOST. What a joke. For God’s sake, just PICK SOMEONE GOOD! Get Bert Newton while he’s still alive! He’s still got it, after all. Or develop some new talent. Hey, I reckon I could do a pretty good job… Some day maybe…

    On a final note, I also watched the “2009 Logies – In Memoriam” clip. I’ve never stopped thinking about the death of Richard Marsland. I found this footage very bizarre as well, as it was only in July last year that I was having lunch with him, having no less than an in-depth discussion about how bad the 2008 Logies were… No kidding (about the conversation. But also, the Logies were awful) I think I even remember talking about how there’s always a couple of deceased people who receive a bigger applause during the memorial. Can you believe that? You know, it is actually pretty disrepectful to all the other lesser-known TV people who’ve died, but I guess we can’t help showing our appreciation to certain individuals we really like.

    And good on Bill Collins for being accepted into the Logies Hall of Fame. I like him too and he certainly deserves it.

    So in conclusion… In my opinion, the Logies were mostly crap, but when you look at Australian television, indeed, it’s mostly crap. So what do you expect? Some may say my review has been somewhat biased, but hey, like I said… I didn’t even really watch it!

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    If you enjoyed the Logies, please write to me and tell me why. I’m interested.

  • Richard Marsland’s Funeral

    Hi all,

    I’ve just returned from Richard Marsland’s funeral at St Ignatius Church in Norwood. The place was packed. I’ve never seen so many people at a funeral. Granted, I’ve only been to a few, and they were all for family members who died in old age. It was a very touching service. And nice to see that the priest officiating, Farther Lawrie Moate, actually knew the Marsland family. His words were personal, accurate and moving, as was everything that was said by all the speakers, I must say.

    I was there in the capacity of an acquaintance, a colleague and a fan. I didn’t know Richard that well. I would have liked to have known him more. But I realise I am more privileged than most to have recorded that interview with him, and then to meet him in person just that one time. For most of the last two weeks I’ve felt shock more than anything. I felt like crying, but I didn’t. But then today when I saw Richard’s coffin being carried into the church, with Tony Martin as one of his pallbearers, I just lost it, along with most of the people around me, and not in the good way. Curiously though, I always figured I’d want my enemies carrying my coffin; not my friends. Personally I hate heavy lifting…

    There was laughter too of course. Just hearing about Richard as a youth and about his comic escapades with friends, and the pranks he used to pull on his sisters, I couldn’t help but smile. Tony Martin stood up at the front and lent into the mic, before saying “Normally this is where Richard would be checking the levels,” before delivering a warm tribute to Richard, his comedy and his work ethic. Outside there was a station wagon set up with two people in T-shirts reading “Generic Radio Station,” giving out “icy cold cans of coke” (room temperature) and Farmer’s Union Iced Coffee. A nice touch!

    There’s not much else I can say that hasn’t already been said. It’s sad. I’m sad. I hope I can bring joy and laughter to as many people as Richard did. That’s going to be my new ultimate life goal… well, I already had that goal, but hey, I’ll add “do it for Richard Marsland” to my list of reasons.

    Thank you also to the many people who have emailed me, shared your stories, and posted in forums, thanking and complimenting me for making my interview with Richard available to everyone online. It’s been downloaded over 400 times in the last 2 weeks. Like I’ve said, it was an absolute pleasure and a privilege to have had the little contact I had with Richard Marsland. A truly remarkable guy.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green

  • RIP Richard Marsland

    Hello,

    I was extremely shocked and saddened today to hear that comedy writer and radio personality Richard Marsland died yesterday at the under-ripe age of 32. This tragedy has touched me personally because of our shared comedy ideals, and also because he was an acquaintance of mine. I would like to say friend, but I don’t think I knew him well enough. Although you don’t have to know him well to know he’s one of the nicest guys in radio. He was also VERY FUNNY and in my opinion, “Get This” with Tony Martin, Ed Kavalee & Richard Marsland on the buttons is the funniest radio show of all time. Having to pull the car over to the side of the road due to uncontrollable laughter was a regular occurrence. I actually had the good fortune to interview Richard once for my community radio show I was hosting at the time. It took place December 29th 2007, just over a month after “Get This” was axed. You can hear that interview here.

    That interview was only the beginning of a short but serendipitous relationship I had with Richard. Around the time of our interview, I got a call from SAFM/Today Network Program Director Craig Bruce. Eventually he got me a job as a panel-operator at SAFM, a job which Richard had had about 10 years earlier. When I went to Melbourne in July this year for a short holiday with my girlfriend Jemima, Richard was nice enough to agree to meet me, and he bought lunch for me and Jemima at one of those Melbourne alley cafes (that’s where the photo of me giving him that shirt comes from). We talked for about 2 hours about all sorts of stuff; radio, comedy, writing, TV, old sketches from Get This. Eventually Jemima left out of boredom. I’m very lucky to have had such an experience and I can tell you it is one of the greatest things in the world, to go up to someone you admire and tell them you love their work. I’m glad for the opportunity, but still sad that he’s gone. My thoughts are with his friends, family and everyone he touched with his humour over his short but brilliant life.

    Panel in peace Rich.

    EDIT – On December 12th we dedicated the second episode of our Radio Adelaide comedy show ‘On The Yacht’ to his memory. I broke character to read a short tribute just before the show, which can be heard here.

    Yours sincerely,
    David M. Green