David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Category: RMIT

  • Life-is-like-a-Hur-ri-ca-ne… here in… Co-burg…

    Hello (obviously),

    Jesus it’s just one thing after another with this whole “moved to Melbourne to pursue my dreams” episode of the life of David M. Green (me)… Let me give you the latest…

    Uni started last Monday. The first 3 days were pretty daunting, especially the part about having to watch the TV news, listen to the radio news and read all the newspapers (The Age, The Herald Sun AND The Australian) AND being tested every week on our knowledge of current events. Got to get used to that. But before I could really do any uni homework I moved house (again) on Thursday. Found a nice place in Coburg “with two seeexxxyy ladies!” (to quote The Simpsons). But seriously, they’re okay. The rent is the same as the Altona place, but the house is bigger, cleaner; the walls are thicker and it’s only 8km north of the CBD! On the good side! Observe:

    Of course, taking into consideration the meandering nature of Melbourne’s transport corridors, the distance from the city to Altona is more like 18km, but my new share house in Coburg is connected to the CBD by a roadway with minimal deviations. Not only that, it’s about 50 metres from the No. 1 East Coburg tram terminus. VERY convenient. And you know how I feel about light rail (*two thumbs up*).

    I’m settling in quite well. New house mates are great and I’m definitely enjoying the shorter commute each day. More “me time!” I haven’t had a lot of time to explore all that Coburg has to offer, however I do believe I’ve already spotted the two funniest “sight gags” in the neighbourhood… This is just what you want to see right across the street from your new place of residence…

    And then there’s this one… (hehehe you should have seen the looks I got from people when I took this photo…)

    Yes, so moving on, it was pretty full on last week with uni starting and then the move to Coburg. I also needed to purchase a new wardrobe, desk and chair, as my new room included none of these things. And I hate having my stuff strewn all over the floor, so it was very important that I organise these things pronto. Fortunately just a few shops down from the “Circum-centre” there was a furniture place with just what I needed at reasonable prices (I also checked out Ikea, but their cheap stuff was crap and their good stuff was too expensive). I picked up all three items for $700, including delivery 1km up Bell Street. Not bad I thought. And for the first time in about 5 years I’ve got drawers for my clothes!

    However… just when everything was falling into place, on Saturday the worst storm in 40 years struck Melbourne. As my desk hadn’t arrived, I had my laptop set up on the dining room table and I was finally getting some homework done when very quickly the sky turned black and a barrage of the biggest hail stones I’ve ever seen started raining down (wait… can hail rain? You know what I mean anyway…). They only got to be as big as marbles in Coburg but elsewhere in the metropolitan area they were reported as big as tennis balls! The most recent reports are saying the storm caused over $220 million damage. So anyway, naturally I rushed to the front porch to witness this once-in-a-lifetime spectacle, which also included an enormous downpour of rain the likes you’d see in Southern Australia maybe once or twice a decade. I stepped away from my computer for just a couple of minutes. I returned to discover the roof right above the dining room table was leaking water all over my laptop and diary. I quickly rushed to their aid but my laptop was completely drenched and the screen frozen. I picked it up and water came trickling out of the ports on the side. Naturally I switched it off immediately.

    I’m a pretty laid-back guy with most things. If my car windscreen was broken by a hail stone, I’d be irritated, sure, but I wouldn’t have been as freaked out as when I saw my note pad (containing 6 months worth of ideas) being ripped to pieces before my eyes by a crazed individual, or when I thought I’d just lost a brand new $1,500 laptop, that’s my ONLY connection to EVERYTHING I DO. I was freaking out. I hadn’t lost any data. I backed up just a couple of days earlier. It was just the thought of weeks of inconvenience more than anything. My contents insurance wouldn’t have helped me (why would you ever need anything other than coverage for fire and theft?), but I believe the landlord was probably at fault for improper maintenance of the roof. But I wasn’t thinking about the financial cost. I was devastated because I had work to do, you know.

    So I called my tech guy back in Adelaide. He told me to open it up, take the battery out and some of the easier-to-access panels at the back to let all the moisture drain out. I left it to dry overnight and gave the computer another shot on Sunday. It wasn’t working. I was pretty upset. I was so close to getting everything organised. By that stage the desk had arrived but of course, with no computer the desk was pretty useless. It had just been setback after setback with this whole Melbourne thing. Just when I thought I had it all figured out, something else would pop up I hadn’t considered. It had really taken it out of me and this was just another major hurdle that had just been dropped right in my way. You know, I’ve probably cried as much in the last month as I have in the last 2 years. But I had to compose myself and get to the Cinema Nova for another busy night time shift. By the time I’d arrived I’d composed myself and actually, chatting and joking with the customers and the other cinema casuals during my shift really cheered me up. By the time I got home at about 1am I’d worked out a plan of action. I’d take my laptop into a repair place on Tuesday (as Monday was a public holiday) and maybe there were just a few components that needed to be replaced. If not, I guess I’d be looking at buying another one. But before I went to bed I thought I’d give it another shot. Wouldn’t you know it, the damn laptop worked perfectly…

    Jesus H. Tap-Dancing Christ I’m lucky… Really… There I was worrying about a computer that was totally replaceable (I didn’t lose any data, remember) when there were other people in Melbourne who had their roofs cave in and their entire houses flooded. All that freaking out. Totally unnecessary! Jesus…

    Hey, here’s my Coburg set-up:

    Thank God for that public holiday yesterday. God, I needed it. My appetite seemed to come back today for the first time since I arrived in Melbourne. I really am beginning to feel comfortable again. I also had my first television journalism lecture and tutorial on Friday and I’m loving it. The other journalism topics this semester are all print-based and I was thinking maybe spending $13,000 on this course wasn’t such a good idea. But then we got to television and I remembered why I’m here. I’ll get to host “Newsline” on C31 later in the year, which I’m REALLY looking forward to. Just television, as a medium in general, is something I really want to get involved in.

    To summarise this somewhat rambling blog entry, well, it was a somewhat rambling week. Had some bad days, then a good one, them some bad ones, then a good one again. I’ve often found myself recently thinking and remembering about “the good old days” back in Adelaide, seeing my close friends regularly, working every now and then at the Palace Nova, weekend getaways with Jemima… it was all so care-free… And let me tell you, you never appreciate the beauty of nature and the outdoors so much as when you’re stuck at a desk reading a text book. But then, even though those days were great and I knew exactly what I was doing, I wasn’t going anywhere. At least here in Melbourne I feel like I’m achieving something.

    Hmm, yes I think that’ll do for now.

    How are you by the way?

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Did anyone get the “Ducktales” reference in the title? Pretty good huh?

  • I’m moving to Melbourne. Moving to Melbourne now. And… just moved to Melbourne.

    Hello!

    Well firstly, apologies are in order. I’m sorry. Despite my urge to blog, I’ve had a lot of trouble finding a suitable Internet connection in which to do so. It’s been a hectic couple of weeks for me, and by extension, the nation. Especially the last few days, there hasn’t seemed to be enough hours in the day. Granted I was down 30 minutes from the start. Thank YOU Central Standard Time…

    Allow me to fill you in… Hello, I’m David M. Green. On Saturday February 13th I moved from Adelaide to Melbourne. Naturally there was a lot to organise, and it all seemed to happen all at once. Fortunately for me (or unfortunately), I didn’t have to move ALL my stuff. I was able to leave the majority of my junk at my parents’ house and only take “what I needed” with me to Melbourne. Sure, this means I don’t have to take as much, but it also means I have to decide what “I need.” It may have been easier to just take everything that’s mine… But anyway, I put together five largish boxes of various items and sent it over via a moving company. It was mostly stationery/office equipment, clothes, a few books and DVDs and two big ticket items: my bike and my printer. All up it came to about $230, which is pretty good, considering the bike alone is worth $400. Hopefully it’ll all arrive safely later this week.

    So while my freight travels by road, I caught a plane Saturday evening. There was a slightly teary goodbye to my Mum and sister Hannah at the airport. I’ve never lived out of home before, let alone a home 800km away… Oddly enough I seem to encounter constant reminders of why I’m doing this. On the drive to Adelaide airport, I saw a giant billboard for Channel Ten featuring fellow former Adeladian Shaun Micallef (who seems to be the “face” of Channel Ten ever since Rove went on hiatus). Then on the plane, listening to “The Smile High Club” with Adam Spencer on Qantas Radio, I heard a bunch of Shaun Micallef sketches from his recent comedy album “His Generation.” I recently borrowed that album from my good friend Gerard Kotlowy. I’m not a big fan of musical comedy, which was most of the album (although I LOVE Shaun’s Christopher Walken/David Bowie singing). My favourite sketch by far was “Dalgetty’s Fruit Wholesalers.” Fantastic! I’ve always been a big fan of satirical advertising. Richard Marsland has also been on my mind. Certainly the two of them (Micallef & Marsland) have walked the path that I’m walking now. They more than anyone else have set the standard for Adelaide-born comedians heading east for greater opportunities. This is just what I think anyway.

    So anyway, I’m here now. Enough of the speculative crap. I’m living in Altona in a 50 year-old house with two new housemates (but not in a voyeristic “Big Brother” way). Now, I would of course love to mention their names, but they’ve requested to remain anonymous. Evidentally this is what living with David M. Green will do to you… I will say however I’m living with one female and one male humanoid. They’ve both been living there for about a month. They’ve done a pretty good job settling in, but there’s still so much to organise. They still haven’t set up an Internet connection. For some reason, we can’t get “naked DSL” in our area (that means Internet without a phone land line, for my technologically inept readers. Oh yes, and well done on finding my website). So we have to get the phone line set up, but it’s still in the former resident’s name. It’s probably going to take some time. Luckily there’s wireless Internet access at RMIT, where I’m soon to start studying journalism, and I was smart enough to invest in a laptop.

    But Internet’s not the only thing I need. Granted, it’s practically on par with food, sleep and shelter. Speaking of which, I bought a bed on Sunday! I caught a train to Essendon, then a tram to Airport West and bought the “Galaxy bed package” from the hilariously titled “The Bed Factory.” $800 for a queen-sized bed frame, queen-sized mattress, quilt, sheets, 2 pillows and a 3-drawer bed-side table, including delivery and assembly. The words “good” and “freaking,” not necessarily in that order, immediately come to mind. It should arrive at the house later today, which will provide a welcome relief from the couch cushions I’ve been sleeping on the last 2 nights:

    “Housemate #1” was nice enough to let me sleep in her bed the first night (Thanks “#1!”). And thanks too to “Mr X.” for letting me use his spare desk and chair. That’ll save me some $$$!

    There’s lots of other things to organise. Can you believe “Anonymous Altona Housemates” had an iron but no ironing board? Not having much tolerance for creases myself, I promptly purchased one. Luckily “Nameless Guy” has a car, so I was able to get it home. It’d be a little tricky taking that on a tram. Although I must say, aside from things like that, I’m adjusting quite well to live without a car. If you’re going to do it anywhere in Australia, Melbourne is probably the best place for it. The trains and trams are VERY convenient. Although everyone still seems to complain about them. I guess I’m still comparing their public transport system to Adelaide’s. Probably once I’m here for a while I’ll start noticing the weaknesses. But until then I’m in Rail Heaven! Ahh Rail Heaven… where there are no fares and the trains are always on time…

    In other news I joined RMITV (RMIT’s student television organisation). Hopefully I’ll be able to get involved with their famed comedy/variety show, “Studio A.” After all, it was practically the whole freaking reason I came to RMIT… Are you reading this TV executives?

    Uni starts on March 1st. So until then I’ll continue getting settled. This morning I stopped by the Cinema Nova in Carlton to pick up my uniform. My first shift is on Friday! On Sunday, one of my “Unidentified Housemates” threw an “Anti-Valentine’s Day” soiree at the Altona house and invited some of her heart-broken single Melbourne friends. When asked by one of her Melbourne friends if I had a job yet, I responded “yeah, I’ve got a casual job at the Cinema Nova.” Her reaction was a gasp followed by “Really? I know people who have tried to get a job there for years!” Hehehe… They’re calling me “The Dude” now! Well… they aren’t. But they should.

    Although I appreciate the irony of the day, I’m not crazy about the seemingly spur of the moment decision by another one of her friends to shave his head and leave the cranial debris in our only bathroom sink:

    Now, I wasn’t overly annoyed with this. I did suggest someone possibly move the hair to a rubbish bin, but I was assured it would be “taken care of.” Unfortunately this task wasn’t completed before another anonymous individual, who was possibly also incognito, (and who, on a side note, kept calling me “Matt”) threw up in the sink… Now… I won’t subject you to the horrors of that image (and yes I DID take a photo). I’m not one for Internet censorship, but I do believe it’s just too gross. Not too gross for the Internet, but certainly too gross for davidmgreen.com. However, I WILL show you the expression on my face when I made this shocking discovery:

    Now I wouldn’t say I’m a “neat freak,” but I suppose it’s all relative. Personally, I just like being clean. To be honest, I don’t really want to re-live the rest of that night, but let’s just say thank GOD there was a Coles supermarket within walking distance that was open to midnight AND sold Draino.

    So anyway, I’ve done some things, but still have lots left to organise. To quote the advice of Howard Jones: “don’t try to live your life in one day.” I should probably keep that in mind. I will be here for (at least) a whole year, after all. But still, there’s so much to do! Speaking of which, I’ve got to go buy some towels and get home in time for my bed to be delivered. I’m a simple man. Just give me a bed and an ADSL connection and I’m happy.

    Kind regards,
    Melbourne’s David M. Green
    (Formally Adelaide’s David M. Green)

  • Someone up there likes me!

    Greetings!

    Last night I returned to Adelaide from 37 hours in Melbourne! I’ve definitely made the right choice to relocate for 2010. Let me give you the run down…

    The main point of the trip was to meet up with some people looking for flatmates (remind me to thank the guy who invented the Internet, I’m pretty sure it was Al Gore) and check out their places of residence. I checked out 3 places fairly close to the city (nothing locked-in yet, still pending decisions). Special thanks must go to former friend of a friend, and now legitimate friend (I would insert her name here but she wishes not to be identified for privacy reasons) for being my fabulous Melbourne hostess.

    It all started Sunday morning, 5am. I’m really not a morning person. Usually when I wake up before 9am I just feel sick. This was no exception. I drove myself in the dark to Adelaide Airport and parked in the long term parking lot. Luckily for me there was a shuttle bus waiting right there to take me to the main terminal. I don’t think I would have made the flight had it not been for that bus. In an incredible coincidence, “Ms Nameless,” who recently moved to Melbourne, but was back in Adelaide visiting friends, was returning to Melbourne and was on the exact same flight. However, as she was able to check in online (and my computer wouldn’t let me, for some reason… remind me to send a stern letter to Al Gore) she had a great seat up the front, which of course is the quietest and smoothest part of the plane, and I had to make do with a seat in the 2nd to last row at neither the aisle or window. We arrived at Tullamarine and caught the Skybus into the city. We then caught a train to her house in Altona (check Google Maps to see how far away that is. Although having been there now it’s not that bad). She shares the place with another guy (also nameless), also a former Adelaidean and enjoyer of fine Simpsons quotations. Here’s their house, which is pretty awesome I must say (on the inside of course. Can’t say I like the bricks. Orange is my least favourite colour for building materials. Give me those bricks that are so dark they’re black anyday… hoho mmm…):

     

    And get a load of the house directly across the street:

    It’s like someone beached a tugboat and converted it into some kind of “land shanty.” I imagine it’s the kind of house that “Adam” from On The Yacht would live in, if indeed he did live on land… But enough of these in-jokes.

    So anyway, “Altona Girl” freshened up and “Altona Guy” drove us to the famed Brunswick Street in Fitzroy for a quick lunch. I must say, from the 15 minutes I spent there, I could tell I was going to be back again and again. There are just so many places in Melbourne that look like an ’80s surburban lounge room with wood-panelled table-top arcade games. I couldn’t stay long as I had houses to check out, so I hopped a tram back to the city and checked out West Melbourne and Kensington. By this stage I was starting to realise how tired I was. It doesn’t matter if I have to wake up early. I still go to bed at the same time (1:30am-ish). This, combined with all the walking around was taking its toll. I went back to Altona and foolishly had fish & chips for dinner. I regretted it as soon as I finished eating. Should have gone for something healthier, but the smell was so tempting. I probably should have gone to sleep at that point but when the opportunity to watch Fletch on DVD comes along, I just can’t say no. Chevy Chases’s finest work, in my opinion.

    I was expecting to sleep on the couch but “Lady Unaknowledged” very kindly offerred her bed to me (not in a sexual way. Obviously then SHE would take the couch). I politely declined but then she pointed out how tall I was, and how short the couch was, so I agreed. However, she was a lot more tired than I was, and by the time Fletch was alluding LAPD in the stolen white Porche, she said she’d just go lie down and when I was ready to turn in, we’d “do swapsies.” I made it to the end of the film but by that stage “Madam” was fast asleep. I stood at her door pondering… but eventually concluded that I just couldn’t kick HER out of HER OWN bed. Call me sexist if you will, and many do, but I kinda had to “be a man” at that point and sleep on the couch. Indeed, I was about 30 centimetres too tall to sleep on it comfortably, so after 20 minutes or so I arranged the couch cushions on the floor and slept there. Pretty good actually. Hotels are for people who don’t have friends.

    Then it was Monday. I caught the train back into town. I must say the trains in Melbourne are so much smoother and faster than Adelaide, and a much more extensive network. Adelaide certainly needs to get its public transport act together. Checked out another house in Kensington, returned to the CBD to visit RMIT University, where I was recently accepted to study post-graduate journalism. Having never been there before, I was relieved to find it was a pretty excellent looking campus, right near pretty much everything. I got my student card and explored around. I found the RMITV office but it was closed. I shall return.

    I had a few hours to kill before my return flight, and I brought some resumes with me just in case of such a situation. Obviously I’ll be needing some sort of casual job in Melbourne. For the last year I’ve been working at the Palace Nova Cinema on Rundle Street. It’s been fantastic and I’ve really been dreading leaving and having to pay money for movies again. So I caught a short tram up to Lygon Street in Carlton to check out Melbourne’s premier art house cinema, the Cinema Nova. I introduced myself to the manager and handed him my resume. To my surprise, he literally hired me on the spot! Jesus, the first place I apply to! That really takes a lot of the stress of moving cities away now, knowing that I’ll have a job waiting for me. Now all I need is a place to live… But more on that later I suppose… And if all goes badly, “The Dame of Altona” says I can stay in Altona until I find something closer. They have a spare room!

    Ahh good fortune. It’s very… fortunate.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Like the number plates, “On The Move.” Or “The Garden State,” which ever is more relevant to my situation.

  • Newsflash: I’m moving to Melbourne!

    Hello!

    Well yes, as you can guess from the title of this blog, I have indeed reached that point that every young Adelaidean reaches when they realise they must leave. After much speculation I can now officially announce that I’ll be moving to Melbourne in mid-February to study a 1-year post graduate diploma in journalism at RMIT University. Hopefully this will give me some legitimate media skills that will make it harder for me to be replaced with a computer (ala my stint as a panel-operator at SAFM).

    But why go to Melbourne to do journalism? Can’t you do that in Adelaide? Good point and well made. Sure, I could do journalism at Uni SA’s fabulous Magill campus. But what would be the point? The radio elective practical is reading the news on Radio Adelaide. Whoop-dee-doo. I’ve already done 4 shows on Radio Adelaide, each with 13-week seasons, plus 27 weeks of  student radio. I want a new scene. I want a new audience. Melbourne’s where it’s at. And I do hope to make the most of my time there and do some more comedy, radio and possibly some TV. They have RMITV after all, where Rove and Hamish & Andy cut their teeth. I couldn’t recommend eating glass. Not even for a freak show segment…

    So the plan is to get over there, find a place to live, possibly some student-type accommodation, study journalism, find a new casual job, make new friends, continue writing comedy and recording sketches and voice-overs and basically live the dream. Piece of cake, right? It’s going to be a big life change, but it’s something I have to do. I’ve really enjoyed the last 2 years since I finished my behavioural science degree at Flinders University. I did some community radio, worked for SAFM, stopped working for SAFM, went back to community radio, dated a wonderful girl named Jemima, wrote a novel that no publisher is interested in, applied unsuccessfully for about 40 different radio jobs, somehow tricked Triple M into letting me and some friends make a once-off comedy show, waited by the phone as promise after promise failed to materialise and miraculously got probably the best casual job possible at the Palace Nova cinema. But I can’t keep doing this forever. I can’t keep mooching off my parents. I’m 22. I need to get a proper job. And there’s only one thing I want to do, and it ain’t working at a cinema full time. It’s radio. It’s comedy. It’s goofing off in front of a camera. Sure, journalism isn’t the definitive answer, but it’s a step in the right direction. I’d rather read the news at a country radio station or be a newspaper reporter than serve customers at the candy bar 40 hours a week. Something’s gotta give! And if it means getting a job as a journalist in order to support myself and pursuing comedy-related ventures on the side, then that’s the way it has to be. As Mr Mister said: Welcome to the Real World.

    So appreciate photos like the one above, because there will be less images of David M. Green with Stobie Poles orderly alined in the background. In 2010, I’m living in Melbourne.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Live in Melbourne? Be my friend! Reasonable prices.