David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Category: The Life of DMG

  • A Melbourne winter

    Ahoy!

    Ah yes, winter in Melbourne; A time for regular umbrella locomotion and excessive electric bills. Also time for one Coburg furniture store to throw another redundant sale:

    One wonders what “conditions” would require the customer to pay MORE than full price…

    But anywho, it’s been a productive winter in Melbourne for David M. Green. I’m past the half way point on my path to becoming a fully qualified journalist. Gaining more and more experience in radio, TV and life in general. I also bought some new underpants. I usually procrastinate when it comes to buying clothes, like all men, no doubt. But it really was becoming an embarrassment…

    My boxers were literally tearing apart at the seams. So I had to replace them with some new ones. Shame. I had some good times in those underpants… But like any relationship, eventually one party outgrows the other and turns them into a polishing rag for shoes or dust-prone surfaces.

    Major things to report…

    My sister Hannah came to visit a couple of weeks ago, which was very nice. Gave me a chance to see some touristy things I’d been putting off, like going up the Eureka Tower and visiting the Titanic exhibit at Melbourne Museum. Fascinating. We had a quick look at the National Gallery of Victoria as well. I’ve been in Melbourne long enough for it to feel like home now. That mysteriousness it had when I first arrived in February has long since gone. So it was interesting to see it from an outsider’s eyes again. It’s a wonderful city.

    I also gained an entire university life’s worth of wacky experiences last month when I participated in the RMIT Student Union Annual Scavanger Hunt with four of my fellow post grad journalism buddies. It was like Revenge of the Nerds or that episode of The Simpsons where Homer goes to college (“Homer Goes to College”). A few things we may or may not have actually done (I’ll keep it ambiguous to protect the reputation of the educational institution): Swam in the fountain in front of the Royal Exhibition Building, busked in Swanston Street singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”, leap-frogged down Bowen Street, streaked through the Melbourne University Union Building, crammed all of us into a public toilet stall at the Brunswick Hotel, plus much more… Those wacky students…

    Something I will reveal I did was sing to Madonna appallingly at a karaoke bar. Listen to this for a bootleg recording…

    Click to hear DMG’s Madonna Karaoke

    Here are some happy snaps from that surreal and utterly exhausting 24 hours…

    There’s some other footage floating around out there. I’m sure that will surface at some point in the future…

    Oh yeah,by the way. We won! $100 each. Not bad for 24 hours’ work. That’s… $4 an hour… hmm… Experience. It was the experience… yeah…

    In other news I’m writing and recording a lot. Keep checking here on my blog, and the SYN page, as I’m posting stuff up all the time.

    I also finally hopped on the Twitter bandwagon. I’m David_M_Green. Feel free to follow me, if you’re into that crap.

    So yes, everything else is good. Nothing major to complain about. Loving my time here in Melbourne! If you pretend Lachlan is the City of Melbourne, this pretty much sums up how I feel:

    Ah you crazy kids.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    New underpants. Feelin’ good.

  • Adelaide Fortnight!

    Ahoy!

    My blog entries have been a bit “Too Easy-oriented” lately. Forgive me. I’ve been in Adelaide the last 2 weeks and was so busy catching up with people (and filming more “Too Easy”) I didn’t have time to properly archive my trip in blog form. It is a time consuming exercise…

    Anyway, hello! This was the first real time I’d returned to my home town since I moved to Melbourne back in February. I hadn’t been back in 4 months. People told me I’d be shocked when things didn’t quite appear exactly as I remembered them. That’s exactly what happened. Walking along North Tce, it suddenly seemed strange that there were many buildings to my right, but an empty skyline to my left. And you really do notice just how wide the city streets are. It’s crazy there aren’t more trams through the Adelaide CBD. I did take the opportunity to ride the new tram extension to the Entertainment Centre. Very nice. Now if only they could do an extension like that every year…

    I made sure to stock up on Fruchocs and was strangely compelled to drink a Farmer’s Union Iced Coffee while I was in town, even though I never actually drank them even when I lived there. They’re actually pretty good. I wanted to get a photo of myself leaning up against a Stobey Pole, drinking one, but I didn’t have the time. I was too busy catching up with all my Adelaide friends. It was great to see the ole gang again, plus my family too. I also played golf for the first time in about 6 months, the fun that came from which can clearly be seen in the below photographs:

    We also took the opportunity while I was in town to film some more of our “Too Easy” webseries. We filmed 2 more episodes. I’ve had a look at the rough cuts and they’re very funny. Can’t wait to get them online. I think the fans will like these. Just imagine more ridiculously inappropriate behaviour from Adrian and more misfortune for Toby. I think we’ve found our formula for hilarity!

    Here are some production stills for the upcoming episodes 7 and 8:

    To see more photos, become my friend on Facebook. Or alternatively, if you don’t like me enough to justify becoming my friend, just look through my photos anonymously (they’re set to public).

    We recently became YouTube partners, which means YouTube is now putting advertisements on our Too Easy videos! So if you’d like to show your support for our webseries, why not give us financial incentive by watching the videos and clicking on an ad every now and then? You don’t have to buy anything, just click the ad and then close the window. It’s a victimless crime. The only victim is our economic system.

    But as good as my trip down Adelaide memory lane was, it’s good to get back to Melbourne to continue, you know, my life. Since my return on Thursday I’ve already had an audition for a TV sitcom (can’t say much more at the moment) and I’ve got a meeting with the makers of “In Joke” on SYN 90.7FM this week to discuss my impeding “coming onto” the show. You know what this means… More radio sketches! HAZAA!

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    MelbAdelurnean

  • The Glamorous World of Television

    Hello!

    It’s been quite a turbulent month. I’ll start this blog entry with some words of wisdom from my first hand personal experience, for anyone with an interest in joining the hideous bitch goddess that is, “show biz”:

    1. Don’t ever write a review.

    Just don’t do it. Unless you want to write reviews for a living. Or, if you feel you must write a review, don’t write a bad review. Even more specifically, don’t ever write a review of someone you may have to work with in the future. Even if it’s not a bad review, I’d say best to avoid it all together and keep your opinions to yourself. And be wary of fragile egos. But of course, if you want to be the next David Stratton, then go nuts! You might want to grow a beard too.

    2. Don’t under-estimate the power of the telephone.

    90% of people won’t pick up the phone and call someone if there’s a problem. They’ll prefer a passive-aggressive email, or even worse, a text message. Leave those forms of communication where they belong, in the bedroom. If you want to get things done, pick up the phone. It’s instant. It’s intimidating. All the celebrities are doing it.

    3. Be nice to everyone, but don’t take any crap from anyone. (Thanks for that one Dad!)

    You’ve got to be nice to people. Even if they’re not nice back, make sure you can always say you treated them with respect first. But of course, there are always going to be incompetent people in this industry who will try to take advantage of you. Work out where your limits are. If they start pushing you a bit too far, ask yourself if you’re content to put up with that forever? If someone’s outta line, tell it to ’em straight. And don’t swear at anyone. Ever. It’s unprofessional. Stick to legitimate comments. For example, call them unprofessional! However, most likely you won’t be in the position of power, so be prepared to eat dirt for a while until the incompetence and unprofessionalism of others catches up to them.

    4. Get in with the crew.

    Television (and films) generally have large crews. Crew people are the best people. They get the job done and without them, it wouldn’t be TV. It’d be someone posting a video blog on YouTube. Help out with the crew. Put in the hard yards with them and you’ll get respect. From everyone. And for the love of God… Don’t f*** with their equipment!

    5. Not everyone likes critical feedback and constructive criticism.

    I love it myself. However, unless someone asks you two or three times for critical feedback, don’t give it to them. ESPECIALLY if you don’t know them! Remember, fragile egos in this biz.

    6. Don’t believe everything everyone says.

    A lot of people will make a lot of wild promises. Don’t count on all of them coming through. Unless the contact is in your hands and they’re asking for your signature, assume there’s only a slight chance of it actually happening.

    These are just a few things that may or may not have any relevance to recent events in my life… And now for an update on what I’m up to:

    Catalyst
    Read a condensed transcript of my interview with Tim Vine in edition 3 of RMIT’s Catalyst Magazine. Hard copies available from the various Melbourne campuses. There doesn’t seem to be an online copy, but you may as well just listen to the audio version right here. No plans to write anything else soon (especially any reviews!).

    RMITV
    I’m very excited to be helping out on “Late Night Tonight” this week. It’s a parody of a late night talk show. I’ll be operating camera two, presumably pointing it at host Michael Lanzer (Channel 31’s “The Inquiry”).

    I was previously going to be involved with “Studio A”. However that doesn’t appear to be happening any more. Particularly disappointing considering that show alone was one of the big selling points of moving to Melbourne. On the other hand, it didn’t look like I would have had much creative input as “script editor”. But anyway, I wish them all the best. They’re okay.

    Recent events and pep-talks from certain individuals have encouraged me to use my time in Melbourne and access to RMIT’s fabulous student television facilities wisely. After all, as much as I’d love to stay in Melbourne, it will all come down to where the jobs are at the end of the year. So my good friend Lachlan Cowlishaw and myself are going to make our own comedy show pilot. A 22-minute show incorporating single camera sketches and multi-camera studio pieces. Hey! Why not? That’ll be a goal for the year. Get that done. If nothing else, hopefully we’ll be able to say we made something funny and put it on the Internet. I can also confirm right now that at the request of Mr Nick Godfrey, the show WILL have a puppet.

    Stand-up
    I’m doing stand-up at The Comic’s Lounge on fabulous Errol Street, North Melbourne this evening. 8:30pm. Feel free to come along. It’ll be the first time I’ve done it in Melbourne. I can get five people in for free so let me know if you want in.

    Too Easy
    Yes, the webseries I filmed with Alex “Shooter” Willamson back in January is just about edited and the first two episodes will hopefully be online within the next few days, closely followed by the four other episodes of Season 1.

    Radio
    I’ve completed the compulsory training that one requires if one is to be a broadcaster at SYN, RMIT’s student radio station. I tried to get out of it, but ironically it was easier to get on-air via this 4-week training course, as opposed to simply providing a link to this website with my 100+ hours of radio experience. The facilities are lacking a decent soundboard/cart-rack programme to play sound effects, so I’m on the lookout for a version for my laptop. If anyone has any software options they can suggest I’d love to hear them. Hopefully get back on-air sometime soon, even if it’s just a graveyard 2am-6am one just for fun. Any excuse to subject others to obscure ’80s New Wave music!

    Voice-Over
    I recently did a voice-over for Riverside Plaza, Queanbeyan. So if you live in the A.C.T. and would like to hear my best David Attenborough impression, tune in on Mix106.3. Special thanks to Radio’s Michael Princi for that one.

    And that video game I did some voices for back in December has finally been released. Download “Sunset Studio – Behind the Scenes!” from this link right here. I’m not sure where exactly my voice appears in the game but I do know it’s the “science-fiction movie scene”. I’m eager to see/hear it myself! If anyone makes it that far into the game PLEASE let me know!

    Miscellaneous
    In other news I’m coming back to Adelaide for 2 weeks! I’ll be there from June 24 to July 8. It’ll be great to see the ol’ gang again. I’ll probably have a gathering in the city to catch up with everyone en mass in one big burst of socialisation. But if you want to book in a lunch or something, just give me a dial.

    Anyway, must tend to my life. Excuse me.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Can’t wait for DEVO’s first new album since 1990! “Something for Everybody” comes out next week!

  • Live Television Debut!

    Greetings!

    Very exciting week last week: it was my turn to be on Newsline! I was the sports correspondent on May 18 2010 under the weighted anchoring of TV’s Ben Hagemann and Alicia Muling. The programme broadcast live on Channel 31 Melbourne from 4pm to 4:30pm.

    Coming to Melbourne and studying television journalism at RMIT has really opened my eyes to the practicalities of television production. It’s an incredible organisational feat. So much preparation goes into it. There’s a crew of about 15 people behind the scenes and putting together a 30-minute news programme and broadcasting LIVE five days a week is amazing. It still surprises me that we actually get to do this (as students, not professionals remember… not yet anyway).

    Special thanks also to TV’s Jill Singer, executive producer for Newsline. I can’t imagine the effort she’s put into getting this show off the ground. She’s done a wonderful job.

    Without beating around the bush, or using excessive cliches, I absolutely loved this. Each show has two hosts and three correspondents (news, business and sport). In some ways it’s actually harder to be a correspondent, as you’re up in a small room on your own with a green screen behind you and a camera pointed at your head, and unlike the hosts, the correspondents don’t get no autocue. All that presenting experience for YouTube sure came in handy.

    Even though I had to glance at my notes occasionally to remember some names, I’m very happy with my performance. I took it seriously. And how many opportunities does anyone get to do LIVE TV these days? How many shows are even done live anymore? And the people on those shows are mostly weathered TV veterans. Newsline and the resources at RMIT University provide an invaluable experience for newcomers to the industry, such as myself, and I am very grateful for the opportunity.

    Here are some snapshots of that day’s creation of Newsline, a voyeristic peak into the magic of student television news:

    This shan’t be my only dabble in television, of that I can assure you.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Photos my Yinmin Maung with Ben Hagemann’s camera.

  • You’re terminated. (Get the movie reference?)

    Greetings,

    David M. Green. How do you do?

    Been another one of those crazy weeks. Had something in particular happen to me that I considered not mentioning on this, my website, but I came to the conclusion I simply had to. Plus it’s just easier to put it here so I don’t have to keep repeating it to everyone. The following is completely true.

    For just under three months I’ve been working at the Cinema Nova on fabulous Lygon Street, Carlton.

    On Tuesday, I was fired.

    Regular readers may recall I walked in there one day in January with my resume and I was literally hired on the spot. This can be credited to my unblemished 12 months at the Palace Nova Cinema in Adelaide.

    I began officially working at the Cinema Nova February 17. At the end of my second shift the manager (aka “The Big Cheese”) took me aside and said, “It’s like you’ve never worked in a cinema before,” and, “If you don’t lift your game I’m going to have to let you go”. When I asked what the problem was, all he offered was my lack of “oomph”. When I asked for him to be more specific, his response was, “No, I’m just going to keep it vague at this point.”

    “The Big Cheese” later clarified he said this to me on my second shift “to put the fear of God into me”. Because that makes a productive employee, doesn’t it? Constant fear of termination.

    Last Friday, I got my first box office training shift. A coveted honour at Cinema Nova. When I arrived I saw “The Big Cheese”. I thanked him for the shift. His reaction was, “Well, I hope you realise this is your last chance to impress me, because it’s clear you’re not getting the floor and you’re obviously not enjoying it”. I had no idea what he was talking about.

    And this one, I loved. He said last week he’d heard a “report” that when I was standing at the podium (aka “the gate”) checking tickets and directing customers to the correct cinema, I turned to one of the other employees and asked, “Hey, am I supposed to be checking these tickets?” “The Big Cheese” then surmised, “If you’ve been here for two and a half months and you don’t even know how to check tickets, I don’t know why you’re still working here.”

    I responded, logically, by pointing out that it was obviously a throw away joke (I tend to make those, it’s kind of a habit you may have noticed), and that exactly, it doesn’t make sense that I would ask that after three months of doing it. Furthermore, how exactly would I even be able to direct customers to the right cinema if I wasn’t reading it off the ticket? It’s simply ridiculous.

    The box office shift went well. Of course, it was my first one there so I couldn’t possibly master all the vouchers and button combinations in a mere 90 minutes. I’m not sure exactly how I was supposed to “impress” “The Big Cheese” anyway, considering he wasn’t actually observing me.

    Tuesday I receive a phone call. It’s “The Big Cheese” informing me that after careful consideration, he’s decided “he’s going to have to let me go”. Naturally, I ask why. He says that my work performance is inadequate and there’s been “reports” that I’ve been rude to customers and don’t work well with the other staff.

    Now, when my Dad drove me to the airport back in February, he offered just one piece of advice to help me on my move to Melbourne. And that was: “Don’t take any crap from people.” And there was no better time to apply it than right then.

    So I told “The Big Cheese” the facts. In three months I’d never been late for a shift. I’d stayed back late on numerous occasions, most of the time for no additional pay, to finish work that needed to be done. I got along well with customers, often sharing a joke, and regularly received compliments, one of which was “Oh, a friendly Nova employee! That’s a nice change!” I worked well with the other staff, certainly had no problems brought to my attention. And I worked just as hard as everyone else.

    I also took the opportunity to point out a couple of qualms I had with his style of management. In the end, all he could say was, “Well I’m going to have to disagree with you there.”

    It’s simply absurd. I challenge anyone to call the other customer service jobs I worked at regularly and find someone who can say I wasn’t consistently competent and outstanding. I worked at the Palace Nova Cinema in Adelaide for a year. It was a fantastic job. I loved it and they loved me.

    So anyway, that’s it. I no longer work at Cinema Nova. I’m glad to be honest. I must say I found the culture of intimidation and fear – which actually amounts to a form of bullying, if you want to get technical (and legal, which lucky for them I don’t) – unappealing. Out of the major things in my life right now (uni, home, work) working at that cinema was what I least looked forward to, specifically because the whole time I worked there, I was constantly thinking, “Any moment now, I’m going to get fired.” Try working under those conditions. Life is too short. Especially as it’s a cinema, not a nuclear power station.

    I will of course miss the good friends I’ve made and it’ll be sad not to see them every week. Keep it real guys and gals. Thanks for those who supported me and stuck up for me. There were at least two people who didn’t. They know who they are. To them I say good luck. I’m sure you’ll go far.

    One thing positive I will say about Cinema Nova, they make great choc-tops. I’ll certainly miss those. I’ll also miss the free popcorn. Although I picked up a garbage bag full of it last week. That should last me a while:

    Feel free to share your stories of termination by commenting below.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Unemployed.