David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Category: The Life of DMG

  • Week of Things

    Greetings all,

    It’s been a turbulent week for David M. Green (me). Let’s start with the good news… I won my raw comedy heat! I attended heat #3 at Adelaide’s “The Rhino Room” just one day shy of exactly one year since my appearance at Raw Comedy 2009. I was surprised with how well I was received by the packed room. I guess you go over the routine in your head so many times beforehand that it loses all meaning and you can’t remember why you thought it was funny. Here’s a still of me in action:

    Of the 9 stand-up appearances I’ve made so far, I do believe Thursday night was my best. I think I’ve “found myself.” I compared this year’s video with last year’s and I suddenly had a new perspective. I immediately thought of my 2009 appearance: “Wow… I was really awkward, and not that funny.” I was doing a more bumbling version of myself, whereas this year I was just me and I took a more personal approach with my material (and not in a disgusting way) that I think set me apart from the other comedians. So anyway, I was declared one of the two winners for the evening, which means I’ve made it through to the semi-finals. Slight complication, I’m moving to Melbourne in 2 weeks and the South Australian Raw Comedy semi-finals are in 3 weeks, and in Adelaide (obviously), so I guess I’ll have to come back for the day. If my next appearance goes as well as the heat, it’ll certainly be worth it. Of course, that’s never a given…

    Like all my stand-up appearances, this one was recorded in video form. However, as I have to do the same routine at the semi-finals, I’ll hold off uploading it to YouTube (to avoid further joke spoilage). Stay tuned for more details…

    In other news, less success on the “living close to the Melbourne CBD” quest, but that’s okay, because I’m actually really looking forward to spending more time with two former Adelaidean friends of friends (who, at a personal request, wish to remain nameless) in their fine Altona abode. Along with the reduced rent comes a quiet suburban house with good (albeit anonymous) company. It will be similar to the Adelaide set-up I’ve got now, living in Seacliff and working in the city. Living in Altona and working/studying in the Melbourne CBD won’t be too difficult to adjust to, as these maps illustrate…

    Interestingly, both suburbs are about 14km from their respective central business districts. However, I couldn’t take that exact route seeing as though helicopters are unaffordable at this stage in my entertainment career. From my house in Seacliff to the single Adelaide Railway Station it’s about 20-25 minutes on an express train (40 minutes stopping all stations). To catch the train from Altona to the underground Melbourne Central Station, right across the street from RMIT, it’s 25 minutes stopping all stations! Electrification is certainly the way to go. Of course, if you’re a motorist, Adelaide does have its advantages; abundant cheap parking, no toll roads and an easy-to-navigate grid system that puts Melbourne’s suburban layout to shame. It’s only 20 minutes to drive from my house to Adelaide. As a thrifty individual at the best of times, I certainly couldn’t see myself taking the tolled West Gate Freeway/Citylink when I’m a poor student again. I’m planning on selling my car anyway and relying purely on trains and trams. Don’t much care for buses though. However, on a side note I was shocked to discover that as a post-graduate student I’m NOT entitled to a student concession fare! Even though I’m a full fee-paying ($12,000), full-time student I still have to pay full price for train tickets. That’s ridiculous. I shall be joining the next protest meeting… assuming it’s not to expensive to get there.

    In Palace Nova cinema news, I found out yesterday that I won a little staff competition they were running. I had the highest average candy bar sale over the December/January period, entitling me to a $300 Myer voucher! This’ll certainly come in handy for buying furniture (possibly a bed) in Melbourne. It makes a nice going away present, actually. I handed in my letter of resignation a few days ago. It was sad. I’d never actually written a resignation letter before. I seem to have a history of ending employment through just having my shifts stop (Kmart), the store closing down (GameTraders) or being replaced with a computer (SAFM). This was the first great job I actually had to leave under my own accord.

    But now for some sadder news. After a little over 2 years, Jemima and I decided to end our relationship on Friday. This had been a long time coming, as I’ve been planning on moving to Melbourne for many months and we had already decided we didn’t want to “settle down” together. It’s been a fantastic 2 years and I’m certainly a much richer person for having known her. I’d be happy to write her a letter of recommendation.

    Understandably this week has been quite stressful for me. From my whirlwind visit to Melbourne, to the nerves of preparing for the Raw Comedy stand-up, breaking up with Jemima and quitting my fabulous cinema job. I’ve done a lot of walking and not had much of an appetite so I’ve lost a bit of weight. I’m actually feeling rather sick right now with a sore throat and that “stuffed-up” feeling. This used to happen to me after my first university exams. Your immune system fights it off until the hard work is finally finished, then you get ill.

    Actually, I kinda like it when I’m nervous and stressed-out because that means I’m breaking new ground and challenging myself. It’s a good thing.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    One stand-up guy.

  • Someone up there likes me!

    Greetings!

    Last night I returned to Adelaide from 37 hours in Melbourne! I’ve definitely made the right choice to relocate for 2010. Let me give you the run down…

    The main point of the trip was to meet up with some people looking for flatmates (remind me to thank the guy who invented the Internet, I’m pretty sure it was Al Gore) and check out their places of residence. I checked out 3 places fairly close to the city (nothing locked-in yet, still pending decisions). Special thanks must go to former friend of a friend, and now legitimate friend (I would insert her name here but she wishes not to be identified for privacy reasons) for being my fabulous Melbourne hostess.

    It all started Sunday morning, 5am. I’m really not a morning person. Usually when I wake up before 9am I just feel sick. This was no exception. I drove myself in the dark to Adelaide Airport and parked in the long term parking lot. Luckily for me there was a shuttle bus waiting right there to take me to the main terminal. I don’t think I would have made the flight had it not been for that bus. In an incredible coincidence, “Ms Nameless,” who recently moved to Melbourne, but was back in Adelaide visiting friends, was returning to Melbourne and was on the exact same flight. However, as she was able to check in online (and my computer wouldn’t let me, for some reason… remind me to send a stern letter to Al Gore) she had a great seat up the front, which of course is the quietest and smoothest part of the plane, and I had to make do with a seat in the 2nd to last row at neither the aisle or window. We arrived at Tullamarine and caught the Skybus into the city. We then caught a train to her house in Altona (check Google Maps to see how far away that is. Although having been there now it’s not that bad). She shares the place with another guy (also nameless), also a former Adelaidean and enjoyer of fine Simpsons quotations. Here’s their house, which is pretty awesome I must say (on the inside of course. Can’t say I like the bricks. Orange is my least favourite colour for building materials. Give me those bricks that are so dark they’re black anyday… hoho mmm…):

     

    And get a load of the house directly across the street:

    It’s like someone beached a tugboat and converted it into some kind of “land shanty.” I imagine it’s the kind of house that “Adam” from On The Yacht would live in, if indeed he did live on land… But enough of these in-jokes.

    So anyway, “Altona Girl” freshened up and “Altona Guy” drove us to the famed Brunswick Street in Fitzroy for a quick lunch. I must say, from the 15 minutes I spent there, I could tell I was going to be back again and again. There are just so many places in Melbourne that look like an ’80s surburban lounge room with wood-panelled table-top arcade games. I couldn’t stay long as I had houses to check out, so I hopped a tram back to the city and checked out West Melbourne and Kensington. By this stage I was starting to realise how tired I was. It doesn’t matter if I have to wake up early. I still go to bed at the same time (1:30am-ish). This, combined with all the walking around was taking its toll. I went back to Altona and foolishly had fish & chips for dinner. I regretted it as soon as I finished eating. Should have gone for something healthier, but the smell was so tempting. I probably should have gone to sleep at that point but when the opportunity to watch Fletch on DVD comes along, I just can’t say no. Chevy Chases’s finest work, in my opinion.

    I was expecting to sleep on the couch but “Lady Unaknowledged” very kindly offerred her bed to me (not in a sexual way. Obviously then SHE would take the couch). I politely declined but then she pointed out how tall I was, and how short the couch was, so I agreed. However, she was a lot more tired than I was, and by the time Fletch was alluding LAPD in the stolen white Porche, she said she’d just go lie down and when I was ready to turn in, we’d “do swapsies.” I made it to the end of the film but by that stage “Madam” was fast asleep. I stood at her door pondering… but eventually concluded that I just couldn’t kick HER out of HER OWN bed. Call me sexist if you will, and many do, but I kinda had to “be a man” at that point and sleep on the couch. Indeed, I was about 30 centimetres too tall to sleep on it comfortably, so after 20 minutes or so I arranged the couch cushions on the floor and slept there. Pretty good actually. Hotels are for people who don’t have friends.

    Then it was Monday. I caught the train back into town. I must say the trains in Melbourne are so much smoother and faster than Adelaide, and a much more extensive network. Adelaide certainly needs to get its public transport act together. Checked out another house in Kensington, returned to the CBD to visit RMIT University, where I was recently accepted to study post-graduate journalism. Having never been there before, I was relieved to find it was a pretty excellent looking campus, right near pretty much everything. I got my student card and explored around. I found the RMITV office but it was closed. I shall return.

    I had a few hours to kill before my return flight, and I brought some resumes with me just in case of such a situation. Obviously I’ll be needing some sort of casual job in Melbourne. For the last year I’ve been working at the Palace Nova Cinema on Rundle Street. It’s been fantastic and I’ve really been dreading leaving and having to pay money for movies again. So I caught a short tram up to Lygon Street in Carlton to check out Melbourne’s premier art house cinema, the Cinema Nova. I introduced myself to the manager and handed him my resume. To my surprise, he literally hired me on the spot! Jesus, the first place I apply to! That really takes a lot of the stress of moving cities away now, knowing that I’ll have a job waiting for me. Now all I need is a place to live… But more on that later I suppose… And if all goes badly, “The Dame of Altona” says I can stay in Altona until I find something closer. They have a spare room!

    Ahh good fortune. It’s very… fortunate.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Like the number plates, “On The Move.” Or “The Garden State,” which ever is more relevant to my situation.

  • 1983 is the year for me

    Hey Hey,

    I’ve known for many years that the period 1978-1990 is and probably will always be my all time favourite musical era. I love the synthesisers, the electric drums, the passing notes,  the suspension chords and the obscure lyrics that made New Wave what it was. But recently I believe I’ve decided that I can place an apex on what has until now been more of a musical preference plateau.

    1983. If this is it? Please let me know. Well Huey, it is. In my opinion 1983 is ’80s New Wave at its peak. Sure, there were great ’80s songs before and after, but I think 1983 had something special about it. Here are my favourite albums from 1983 (and remember, some of these were recorded in 1982, and released in ’83, and others recorded in ’83, released in ’84. As long as one of those dates (ie. recording date, release date) has a ‘3’ in it, for the purposes of this blog entry, it’s from 1983:

    1. Huey Lewis & The News – Sports
    2. Tears for Fears – The Hurting
    3. Depeche Mode – Construction Time Again
    4. Alphaville – Forever Young
    5. Howard Jones – Human’s Lib
    6. New Order – Power, Corruption and Lies
    7. Talking Heads – Speaking in Tongues
    8. Eurthymics – Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)
    9. Styx – Kilroy Was Here
    10. The B-52’s – Whammy

    All fantastic albums. I whole-heartedly recommend them. Unless you don’t like ’80s music, in which case I don’t even know why you’re on this website. An interesting note: 1983 occurred 4 years before I was born and I’ve only listened to these albums in their entirety within the last 5 years (actually, half of them within the last 1 year). So it’s not like they were passively the soundtrack to my life. I’ve gone quite out of my way to obtain and listen to these albums. Hypothetical question: Had I been born 10 or 15 years earlier, would I still claim that 1983 is my favourite year for music? Or would it be 1968 (which is also a good year, now that you mention it, well… now that I mention it, as I’m the one writing this)? I’m afraid the only way to find out involves a time machine and a lot of DNA, and I neither have the time nor the blood for such a crusade. I’d much rather sit at home and listen to a record, preferably something from the ’80s.

    By the way, this week I’ve learnt that Tears for Fears, Spandau Ballet and Huey Lewis & The News are all coming to Australia! I’m very quickly getting through my list of ’80s bands to see live, having seen The B-52’s just last month and Howard Jones about a year ago. I’ll probably see them in Melbourne, as my mid-February moving date is rapidly approaching. I’m actually going to Melbourne tomorrow to check out some potential places to live. Very exciting!

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    We all miss The News Meg, but Huey Lewis needs time to create and we all have to learn to be patient.

  • Sam Mac? Yes.

    It was a meeting of two former SAFM panel-operators at my house this week as Sam Mac came to visit, where he was immediately presented with a copy of “David M. Green: The Radio Adelaide Years” by the one and only (as is the custom with all visitors to Casa de Verde), the moment snapped up by his personal paparazzo (Tim Wray). Needless to say, Sam Mac couldn’t conceal his excitement, as can clearly be seen in the above photograph.

    But seriously, but still in a funny way, Radio’s Sam Mac took a bit of a risk by agreeing to team up with local sporting/comedy personality Alex “Shooter” Williamson and myself to film a sketch for no reason. Sam was in Adelaide for a few days, taking a well deserved break from hosting breakfast on Perth’s 92.9. Shooter and I were, naturally, doing nothing. The three of us actually got together December 23rd 2009 to film some stuff. Turned out pretty funny (I reckon, anyway). I thought we all meshed really well with each other. We met up again this week to take a look at a rough cut version of the sketch and to put the finishing touches on. So the good news for YOU is that the sketch in question, yet to be named (but heavily DMG-focused), will be appearing on the Internet for your viewing pleasure sometime very soon…

    In the mean time, here are a couple of still images (or stillies) with some cryptic clues and references to the somewhat anticipated up-coming Mac/Green/Williamson audio-visual creative debut:

    Okay, possibly a chair?

    Right, so something about music and chairs. Hmm… what COULD that possibly be? What are you, an idiot? It’s clearly to do with musical chairs… Jesus…

    So to quote Dutch street-fighting sensation Bas Rutten: Watch out for that. Very dangerous.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    For YOUR copy of “David M. Green: The Radio Adelaide Years” simply turn up unannounced at my house!

  • Newsflash: I’m moving to Melbourne!

    Hello!

    Well yes, as you can guess from the title of this blog, I have indeed reached that point that every young Adelaidean reaches when they realise they must leave. After much speculation I can now officially announce that I’ll be moving to Melbourne in mid-February to study a 1-year post graduate diploma in journalism at RMIT University. Hopefully this will give me some legitimate media skills that will make it harder for me to be replaced with a computer (ala my stint as a panel-operator at SAFM).

    But why go to Melbourne to do journalism? Can’t you do that in Adelaide? Good point and well made. Sure, I could do journalism at Uni SA’s fabulous Magill campus. But what would be the point? The radio elective practical is reading the news on Radio Adelaide. Whoop-dee-doo. I’ve already done 4 shows on Radio Adelaide, each with 13-week seasons, plus 27 weeks of  student radio. I want a new scene. I want a new audience. Melbourne’s where it’s at. And I do hope to make the most of my time there and do some more comedy, radio and possibly some TV. They have RMITV after all, where Rove and Hamish & Andy cut their teeth. I couldn’t recommend eating glass. Not even for a freak show segment…

    So the plan is to get over there, find a place to live, possibly some student-type accommodation, study journalism, find a new casual job, make new friends, continue writing comedy and recording sketches and voice-overs and basically live the dream. Piece of cake, right? It’s going to be a big life change, but it’s something I have to do. I’ve really enjoyed the last 2 years since I finished my behavioural science degree at Flinders University. I did some community radio, worked for SAFM, stopped working for SAFM, went back to community radio, dated a wonderful girl named Jemima, wrote a novel that no publisher is interested in, applied unsuccessfully for about 40 different radio jobs, somehow tricked Triple M into letting me and some friends make a once-off comedy show, waited by the phone as promise after promise failed to materialise and miraculously got probably the best casual job possible at the Palace Nova cinema. But I can’t keep doing this forever. I can’t keep mooching off my parents. I’m 22. I need to get a proper job. And there’s only one thing I want to do, and it ain’t working at a cinema full time. It’s radio. It’s comedy. It’s goofing off in front of a camera. Sure, journalism isn’t the definitive answer, but it’s a step in the right direction. I’d rather read the news at a country radio station or be a newspaper reporter than serve customers at the candy bar 40 hours a week. Something’s gotta give! And if it means getting a job as a journalist in order to support myself and pursuing comedy-related ventures on the side, then that’s the way it has to be. As Mr Mister said: Welcome to the Real World.

    So appreciate photos like the one above, because there will be less images of David M. Green with Stobie Poles orderly alined in the background. In 2010, I’m living in Melbourne.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Live in Melbourne? Be my friend! Reasonable prices.