David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Category: The Life of DMG

  • An Evening of Wrestling

    Good evening,

    Yesterday I acquired four complimentary tickets to see the National Wrestling Alliance’s “Re-Emerging” wrestling performance at Adelaide’s Thebarton Theatre. After calling all of my friends, I was unable to find one who wanted to go. Wouldn’t even see it for free. Fair enough. Even I didn’t particularly want to go. But my attendance was requested by my new comedy friend, Ben Rosenthal. Ben is the head writer for these wrestling shows. How about that? I mean, I knew they were all completely rigged, but I didn’t give a second thought to how it was all put together. I guess I always just assumed they made it up as they went based on the level of cheers and boos from the audience. Apparently not.

    So I went by myself anyway. I’ve had some good times at “The Thebby” (Weird Al Yankovic, Devo, Weird Al Yankovic the second time). Unfortunately, on this occasion I happened to be sitting right in front of the loudest, most crazed wrestling fan in the whole theatre. She was standing right behind me, jumping up and down and thumping the back of my seat, yelling right in my ear, informing the whole auditorium exactly which wrestlers were “faggots” and screaming randomly. Thankfully after about 30 minutes she snuck down to steal a closer seat. I was able to film a sample of what I had to put up with. See for yourself…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hhlJhlaqFaU

    She did start talking to me at one point. I really had no idea what she was talking about; names of wrestlers and shows I am unfamiliar with, telling me who she hopes will win. I considered telling her, since I knew the writer and the evening’s outcome, but decided that probably wasn’t a good idea, considering her love of violence. Wrestling. What a bizarre combination of sport and theatre. In which other sports do people accept match-fixing on such a fundamental scale? Could you imagine if football or soccer was rigged? Well, arguably those sports contain some equally poor over-acting.

    Anywho, my review of the evening from the perspective of a non-wrestling fan: 3 hours of egocentric men in tights jumping around, containing maybe 10 minutes of highlights. This has nothing to do with the strength of the writing, or what have you. It’s just that… wrestling is stupid. I hate it.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Although, I did like the bowling ball in the groin. Now that’s comedy!

  • Wake(field) in Fright

    But unlike the 1971 motion picture “Wake in Fright” starring Australia’s own Chips Rafferty, Tim and I did not slaughter kangaroos, nor did we drink ourselves to death while gambling our savings away on game after game of “2-up.” Instead, we had lunch in historic Port Wakefield, a mere 10km from the Australian Army’s “Proof and Experimental Establishment” where the recent weapons testing created a lovely cloud of fumes for the enjoyment of passers by:

    Hello, I’m David M. Green.

    My good friend, Voice-Over’s Tim Wray, is currently completing his nursing placement in Port Pirie, 224km north of Adelaide. We both had a free day, so just for the hell of it, we met half way and had lunch in Port Wakefield, dining in a roadside delicatessen called “Pope’s Cafe” (not the actual Pope’s cafe, or Pope) and injecting approximately $23 into the local economy. I think the map above speaks for itself (not literally).

    Included in our itinerary of activities included completing the crossword puzzle in the complementary trucking newspaper and correcting the appalling grammar on display on a local community notice board. And now… YOU CAN PLAY TOO! Can YOU spot the 16 grammatical errors below?

    How’d you go? Answers:

    Port Wakefield: A land unknown to punctuation. Na, it’s okay. Good day.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    It’s “Real” Australia. Everything else is just balsa.

  • Where’s my 1986 Toyota Corolla Seca?

    No, no, it wasn’t stolen… although it was broken into a few times… I sold my 1986 Toyota Corolla Seca in late 2006. It popped back into my mind recently, however.

    The other day I was out and about on an errand and I saw an early ’90s gold Volvo station wagon parked on the side of the street. My Mum used to have one just like it. She got it in 1994 and had it until she got a Honda Odyssey in 1999. Just as I was driving past I glanced at the number plate and slammed on the brakes when I noticed it read “VGM861.” Good God! That’s ACTUALLY my Mum’s old car! I pulled over so I could get out and take a closer look. A little rusted and scratched here and there but essentially how it looked when I last saw it 10 years ago. I wonder how many owners it’s had since then? Had a lot of good times in that car, driving (or being driven, rather) to family Christmases and Easters and birthday parties. It was one of those Volvos with 7 seats. 5 regularly placed ones, as you’d expect, but then 2 in the boxy back part that folded up and actually faced backwards. I remember one time when I was about 7 my then friend Elliott Jenkins and myself were sitting in the back making rude hand gestures at the drivers of trailing cars. Most of them seemed amused. One humourless woman actually followed us home just so she could inform my Mum what we were doing… Jesus, can you believe that?

    So naturally I’ve been on the look out for MY old car. Every now and then I see one, but on closer inspection there have always been subtle differences that indicate it’s a fraud; a different front grill, automatic transmission, no dents where I remember them (no new owner would have bothered to FIX them, don’t be ridiculous). I had some good times in that car…

    I got it in 2003. I didn’t learn on it, because I found learning on a manual too much to begin with, but after I mastered the basics I took it on and drove solo as soon as I got my P-plates. There are two main things I recall about my first solo drive. 1. I turned on the radio and listened to “Bad” by Michael Jackson, and 2. I had an erection. Good times… I loved that car… purely as a friend, of course. I had a Grand Theft Auto Vice City sticker on the rear window that I swiped from GameTraders Micham when I was working there. I also had 5 or 6 little bird silhouettes stuck on a side window, as if my car was a Lancaster bomber, one bird for each bird I killed with the car. All accidentally of course. I’m not a monster. I still remember most of the things that were wrong with it, that you kind of just get used to. The windscreen wipers had a short circuit and would go bananas if you had them on the low setting, so it was either all the way or not at all. Plus the air conditioner switched was busted, so, although it worked, would only work on the number 2 fan setting, and with much jiggling, occasionally number 3.

    I even made a sketch about it, appropriately titled “The 1986 Toyota Corolla Seca.” Although I basically ripped off “Back to the Future” and “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.” It came 3rd place in the 2005 Marion Council’s “Square Eyes” Short Film Competition, earning me a $40 Bunnings gift voucher. As I had no need for any of their fine hardware products, I sold the vouchers to my Dad (for $35… cheap bastard… na, he’s okay). Check it out… the sketch, not the vouchers…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tp68CEAWKss&feature=player_profilepage

    A little crappy by my current sketch-craft standards… but still entertaining, to me at least… Well Seca, you’re out there somewhere… assuming you haven’t been crushed into a cube and sold for scrap. Maybe one day I’ll see you again. It really was a great car. A pleasure to drive. I really noticed some things when I upgraded to my current 2001 Toyota Corolla Seca. The old one had a lot more foot room next to the clutch (which I badly miss) and the hollow steering wheel made the dashboard much more visible (granted my new car comes with an air-bag, so I guess that’s a fair trade off). And the accelerator was much less sensitive in the ’86 car. You could suddenly flatten it to the floor and everything was still smooth. Do that in the ’01 model and it’s like you’re riding a mechanical bull. It certainly sold me on manual transmission too. I wouldn’t drive anything else now. The added advantage of manual is you can push-start it if you have a flat battery. I had to do that once at Marion Shopping Centre when I accidentally left my lights on. That was a lot of fun! Good thing my good friend Ted was there to push. It was quite a sight; an Englishman pushing me around a crowded parking lot with me shouting “come on!” as the car struggled to turn over…

    The 1986 Toyota Corolla Seca. Sure, it had been broken into and egged on numerous occasions and I had to fill it up with almost as much oil as I did petrol by the end of my tenure with it… but what an automobile. I absolutely loved it.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Anybody seen it?

  • Insane about Mad Men (the show. I’m straight.)

    Hello!

    David M. Green. Long time no blog. My apologies, for I have been applying to jobs and universities, filling in forms and submitting things to various places (more will be revealed if and when there’s anything to reveal), so I haven’t been much in the mood to construct a shiny new blog entry. Although, I have had a number of ideas for blogs that I didn’t get around to writing about…

    Channel Ten’s new stock footage show “The Spearman Experiment” for example, the show where “the public” counts down the top 15 of something. Episode One, that went to air September 8th, was counting down the top 15 “Aussie Comedy Characters.” First of all, it’s a crime that none of Shaun Micallef’s characters appeared in the list. At the very least I would have expected “Milo” to make it (although I prefer “David McGahn” and his fictional fictional character of “Roger Explosion”). Second, of the 15 characters, 7 of them were from Channel Ten shows. I reckon Channel Ten should scrap the whole disguise and just make a show called “The Channel Ten Show” or maybe “The Channel Ten Project” or “The Channel Ten Attempt” where they just list reasons why Channel Ten is the best. In fact, why even make it a show? That’s all they should play. You switch on Channel Ten any time day or night and it’s just the station logo with Rove McManus’s voice in a Yoko Ono-esque loop saying “Channel Ten… Channel Ten… Channel Ten…” because after all, they’re just fantastic, aren’t they? Ahh… that’s good satire.

    But to more important things now. Mad Men. Have you heard of it? It’s been on my list of shows to watch for a while now. I’d heard it’s critically acclaimed. So I finally got around to watching it this week. I’d found myself a little burnt out from comedy shows and I needed a nice period drama to get into. Cue Mad Men. It’s a brilliant show. Set in early 1960s New York, it centres on the lives of advertising executives working at a fictional ad firm. I love the show’s visual appearance. And I think they’ve done an excellent job of replicating a ’60s office. Firstly, I don’t think there’s a single scene that doesn’t have the whole lot of them smoking, drinking or being incredibly sexist to the secretaries. I don’t smoke (because I’m not an idiot) and I’m not much of a drinker but watching Mad Men I find myself craving a scotch and a pipe, and skipping off down to the janitor’s closet with Christina Hendricks. And I’d love to go back to New York. What a place… I was there for a mere 4 days back in 2005. I’d really like to just live there. Some day hopefully… sit tight Christina…

    So anyway, if you like a good period drama, don’t waste your time with anything else. Go watch Mad Men. I highly recommend it.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Star of the new Mad Men spin-off about radio advertising: Radioactive Men. Na, not really. I’m okay.

  • Internet Television? The Future is NOW!

    Ahoy,

    Until recently, I was just like you; I thought that Internet TV was something that only existed one time in my mind when I thought up the concept myself a few years ago. Foolishly I did nothing about it and turns out someone else invented it. Not only that, but Australia’s first Internet TV station, Australia Live TV, is based right here (where I am, at least) in Adelaide, a mere 17.8km (via road) from my house!

    After perusing Australia Live TV’s extensive list of 5 shows (4 of them sports-related), I was just about to close the web page forever, when I noticed that they’re launching their new morning show, to be called “Mornings Live.” Furthermore, they need a couple of hosts. Hey hey! Now it’s personal. And seeing as though applying for the position required little effort on my part, I figured I gotta get in on this, so I threw this demo video together in an afternoon…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJsmw6IAceo

    I certainly enjoyed myself. In all seriousness, I’d love to do it. but if it doesn’t go beyond the demo-filming stage, hey that’s okay. I’ve also enjoyed watching the other entrants (Check those out here). There are about 5 with which I have been legitimately impressed. I must say, SOME of them are absolutely shocking… I’d love to put together a 30-minute TV special where I critique all the entries. But I don’t have the resources for that, so I’ll just do it here: For starters, about half of them either didn’t read the guidelines, or completely ignored them, as the demo video was supposed to be no longer than 60 seconds. Granted, my own is 69 seconds, but if you only watch the first 60 seconds, I was essentially through. But other entries range from 20 seconds to 10 minutes long! And most seem to be around the 2-4 minute range!

    Furthermore, some of them are not directed to the specific position. Okay, fair enough, a few people have just put up a generic showreel. No harm in that. However, some have gone further (or shorter, rather), actually using their demo video for a completely unrelated talent search conducted earlier this year by the new ABC3 digital children’s channel. Hence several demo videos on the Mornings Live website feature hopeful presenters pouring their hearts out about wanting to work with children on the ABC! I myself also applied for that (and actually re-used part of my ABC demo for this one!), but I was clever enough to sneakily splice in new footage, which explains why my hair subtle changes length throughout the video, hehehe!

    Another trend I noticed: Of the 90 or so video entries submitted so far, the most popular choice of background music seems to be “Clocks” by Coldplay. I can’t help but notice I was the only one to include both “Conditioning” by Howard Jones (stereotypical hilarious ’80s music) AND “Menuet From String Quintet No. 5 Op 13” by Luigi Boccherini (stereotypical hilarious “rich guy” music).

    Lastly, I’d love to share just a few specific entries with you (who ever YOU are…). Please don’t get me wrong. This is not a mean-sprited dig at others’ expense, but merely me pointing out a few entrants’ “interesting choices” with regard to making their demo. Behold…

    1. Helen Ahrens: Shot with camera at 90 degrees.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QdxtEoZ3cA4&feature=channel_page

    2. Peter something: Firstly, very low volume. Second… uh… what?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JxI1PUIbyS0&feature=related

    3. Sarah Lawrence: Filmed considerably close to a busy road.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arbDNbG-MOI&feature=channel_page

    4. Fatimah Abbouchi: Used the Ten news theme (with Ten news voice-over).

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1E0SJI8vMs&feature=channel_page

    5. Jason Kemp: Evidentally a keen user of Movavi Video Converter’s fabulous trial version. Also, which one is Jason Kemp?

    But of course, for maximum enjoyment, I highly recommend you watch EVERY entry. Thanks to guidelines not followed, what should be 90 minutes of entertainment, is more like 200 minutes of entertainment. And darn good watching!

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    What’s next? Internet books?

    PS. Oh yes, by the way, if you like, feel free to vote for me on the Mornings Live website. I’d very much appreciate it and be happy to email you a signed photograph of something.