David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Category: The Life of DMG

  • Not working in a coal mine, but still working.

    A co-workerly good morning to the proletariat in you!

    David M. Green here. Man, have I been working this weekend? Yes. Hard. And for 3 different employers! Let me give you the run-down… First I worked at the Palace Nova Eastend cinema:

    Then I delivered some pizzas:

    Then I took a drive to scenic Uraidla in the Adelaide Hills to dress up as “Spike,” the lovable Adelaide and Mount Lofty Ranges Natural Resources Management Board Echidna:

    Thus perfectly executing the comedian’s “rule of three!”

    But anyway, a fun, profitable, and tiring weekend. Most fun of all was dressing up as a giant purple echidna. I think I looked a bit like “Sonic the Hedgehog,” so much so I think I could potentially assume his identity and steal some rings from a jewellery store… COULD… There’s something about being in a costume that creates a catalyst for hugging. Everyone wanted to hug me! Sure, a few people wanted to hurt me, but luckily Mandy, my chaperon, kept them at bay. Although on one occasion while she was doing this I walked into a pole… My giant head cushioned the impact. Also, the costume. But mostly it was a beautiful day filled with hugs, bouncy comic walking, posing for photos and bringing joy and fear to children. Could a guy ask for anything more? Plus I got to see Uraidla, a town in the Adelaide Hills I’d never even heard of. Fun and learning. Certainly a day to blog about.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Jesus I’m tired.

  • Howard Jones synth-pops into Adelaide

    Well, as no one else I knew had even heard of Howard Jones, let alone wanted to pay $70 to see him, last night I went to see Howard Jones by myself, thus proving my undying dedication to ’80s New Wave music! Conclusion: awesome. Rolling Stone Magazine didn’t name him 1986 keyboard player of the year for nothing, and by george he’s still got it. I didn’t know if he was going to hit the high notes in “Like to Get to Know You Well” and “Look Mamma” because I’d seen some recent live footage of Peter Gabriel and he’d been forced to sing “Big Time” a little more conservatively, but Howard Jones is still living the dream…

    I never thought I’d see the day when a crowd of Australians would be chanting “Howard! Howard! Howard!” again. Even funnier, Howard Jones’s full name is “John Howard Jones!” I suppose “John Jones” is a bit plain for an ’80s pop star. Advertised online was “Howard Jones plus special guests (TBA).” The special guests turned out to be Howard Jones. I’d never seen a musician open for himself before, but Howard Jones watches out for Howard Jones. He wasn’t going to leave Howard Jones hanging. So he casually walked out on stage and played some solo songs on a keyboard. It was about as acoustic as Howard Jones gets, even though it was still an electronic keyboard, but hey, I didn’t want to make a big deal of it. Then after half an hour, he went backstage, put on a tie and came out for the electro set. Outstanding!

    It’s interesting, I’d put him in the same category as Phil Collins, The Pet Shop Boys and Tears for Fears and he’s had just about as many hits as them too, but for some reason Howard Jones just isn’t as famous. But that’s fine with me, because I got to see him in a really intimate setting, with maybe around 200 other people. It was like a secret show just for us. For the record, he started the electro set with “Conditioning” (which I hadn’t actually heard before, but it’s fantastic live. I just hope the version I’m downloading now is as good!) and of course he also played his other well-knowns “Things Can Only Get Better,” “Everlasting Love,” “Life in One Day” and “No One is to Blame.” I’m sorry I can’t remember the rest. I actually only heard a couple of his albums, but the great thing about loving ’80s music is I can discover songs I’ve never heard before, and to me, it’s like it’s a brand new song (although that won’t last forever, hehe). I’ve got a couple of actual 12-inch records, including the appropriately named “The 12-Inch Album,” but I plan to build my Howard Jones collection.

    A slight side track… I’m not much of a drinker. In fact, let’s be unambiguous. I don’t drink alcohol. Never really cared for it. But anyway, that’s beside my point. I bought a glass of diet coke from The Gov. I took my wallet out, expecting it to be maybe in the range of $2.50 to $3, which although is by no means cheap, is the amount I expect to get ripped off when I purchase a beverage from a public house. $3.70! Outrageous. And no free-refill or anything. That was it. And it wasn’t even a large glass. I would estimate maybe 120mL. 150 tops. To give you a sense of scale, here’s said over-priced drink next to my antiquated Nokia 1600:

    Ridiculous… And inevitably, the concert came to a close with Howard Jones finishing the evening with “New Song,” which is, ironically, also his oldest song. Excellent synthesiser solo. Definately worth $70.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Yes. Howard Jones.

  • If only it was still profitable…

    Hey there,

    Well as promised in my previous blog entry, Jemima and I did indeed venture once more to Glenelg to take advantage of the free session of Gone with the Wind on the final day of screening at Glenelg Cinema. It’s a sad day. Not least because I put my resume in there about 6 months ago and they stringed me along for 5 months telling me they were hiring soon… hehe, how ironic, seeing as though I just got a job at the Palace Nova cinema… Glenelg would have been a great place to work though. I’ve been wanting to work there for a long time. Pretty much ever since my good friend Tim Wray started working there back in 2003. I remember one occasion seeing him at the candy bar. I asked if he could give discounts. He very professionally said “no” before smashing a choc-top ice-cream onto the counter and selling me the defective product at a massive discount. And he told me it was such a great place to work; great pay and not that much work to do. That’s the problem with great work places: if there’s not much work to do it means business isn’t going to well, and inevitably you’ll probably lose your jobs when the place closes down, just like me at GameTraders Mitcham. No one ever came into that shop! Here’s a close-up of my head…

    But I have so many memories from the Glenelg Cinema. Heck, I’ve been going there as long as I can remember. Before Greater Union Marion opened in 1997, if we wanted to see a movie it was generally either Glenelg or Noarlunga. There were cinemas in the city too, but we generally kept to the suburban ones. My earliest memory at Glenelg was in 1994. My grandma, who at the time was living in West Lakes, took my sister Alice and I to see The Little Rascals. However it was sold out, so we sat in the adjacent mall (now demolished) trying to work out what to do. We eventually decided to see The Mask, starring a little known Jim Carey. I had a great time! And to this day I have never seen The Little Rascals.

    Another good memory was from one of the last days of Year 10 in 2002. For some reason, the Year 10 co-ordinator thought we were all mature enough to go see Molokai, a movie about a priest going to a leper colony in the mid-1800s. Boy was he wrong. Kids were yelling and laughing and throwing popcorn and shining laser pointers on the screen and at the back of teachers’ heads. And that was probably the last time I ever bought a tin of Kool Mints. You can’t get them in tins any more. Real shame. Oh there used to be this brand of potato chips as well that they don’t make any more. I forget their name. They were similar to Kettle Chips. Very oily and irregularly shaped. Fantastic. I think I’m starting to sound old?

    Something else I remember about Glenelg for no reason other than I have a great memory… I saw all 3 of the Mummy movies there. The first one in 1999 with my then friend Robert Elkson, the 2nd in 2001 with my then friend Craig Markham, and then the 3rd in 2008 with my then (and now) girlfriend Jemima. And it was with her that I saw the 2nd to last ever screening; the 1939 classic Gone with the Wind. We were the youngest people there by about 4 generations. And everybody gasped and applauded when Clark Gable uttered that famous line, the line you sit through the proceeding 4 hours to see, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.” A fitting phrase also for the profit-driven go-go world of commercialism, in regard to the Glenelg Cinema. Hey, don’t get me wrong, I love making money. I just wish they would replace the Glenelg cinema with a newer, better cinema, instead of just tearing it down and turning it into some boutique shops and a multi-storey car park. Oh well, we’ll always have the memories…

    Kind regards,
    Cinema’s David M. Green
    Probably ate too much popcorn…

  • Yeah, it’s a Big Week

    Welcome reader!

    Sit down, please; it’s the only way to read a blog. Seriously, who reads stuff on the Internet standing up?

    Wow, what a week it’s been! I’ve been very busy lately, so apologises for my lack of blog entries. I have some announcements I can now officially make. I now have 2 new jobs. A couple of weeks ago I started working at the Brighton Pizza Haven as a delivery driver, which is something I’d always kinda thought about doing, if for nothing else than to follow in the footsteps of Phillip J. Fry. I’ve gotta say, aside from the incredibly low pay (<$10 per hour!) it’s actually pretty fun. If it’s busy, I spend most of the time driving around the south western suburbs of Adelaide with my ’80s New Wave mix cassette tapes blasting from my Toyota Corolla’s factory speakers. Unlike a lot of jobs I’ve had, it’s actually quite relaxing. I actually look forward to going to work. Although, if I could just make a small suggestion to you if you ever order your pizza delivered… tip the pizza guy! Seriously, if I drive all the way to the outer fringes of the franchise district to receive the exact amount on the receipt in a pile of 20 cent pieces, it’s a real bummer. But hey, I know this is Australia and tipping isn’t really part of our culture… But man… or woman, I suppose… if you give the pizza guy an extra $1, speaking from my own personal experience, it’ll put that fast food courier in such a good mood, he or she will be smiling the whole drive back to the shop, and maybe… JUST maybe… no one will get hurt… They haven’t given me a uniform yet so I’ve been delivering pizzas wearing my Hawaiian shirt circa 1999. Rumour has it the Brighton Pizza Haven will be transformed into an “Eagle Boys” pizza shop within the week, so I’ll upload a photo for your amusement and ridicule if and when I get proper pizza-attire…

    As for the second job I mentioned… I just found out today I’ve got a job at the Palace Nova cinema! This is awesome! I’ve always wanted to work at a cinema. I think I’ve submitted about 10 resumes to Greater Union Marion and Wallis Glenelg, which sadly is closing very soon. Jemima and I are going to see Gone With The Wind on their final day of screening, this Sunday. But hey, Palace Nova! Alright! And thank you Lisa Pellegrino for moving to Darwin and leaving a job vacancy at said cinema, hehehe…

    But those 2 jobs are of course the 2 success stories. In the last few months I’ve applied to approximately 25-30 different places; places as diverse as radio stations, government departments, retail outlets, traineeships and even a “why the hell not” application for an advertised vacancy in the adult publication industry. Some of these places I’m still waiting to hear back from; others have generously contributed to my ever-growing “wall of rejection letters.” It’s a load-bearing wall now. I like looking at it. It reminds me of how hard I’m working.

    But as for other things, yes I’m still making my appearances on community radio. You can hear the satirical talk-parody comedy show known as “On The Yacht,” that I am a part of, Thursday nights midnight to 1am on Radio Adelaide 101.5FM. Or just click here to listen back to the best stuff… If you listen to nothing else, listen to the fake news breaks. Number 6 and 7 are, in my opinion, outstanding. I’m also still making my regular 8AM-ish Tuesday morning appearances on the Fresh 92.7FM breakfast show, with a new tailor-made audio-based sketch each week for the young ravers of Adelaide, who have proper jobs to get to in the morning. Check those out here.

    And speaking of comedy, which on any given day I probably am, I entered into the Raw Comedy stand-up contest thing. I made my appearance in Heat #3 at Adelaide’s The Rhino Room on Thursday. Alas I was not one of the winners on the night. That honour went to Chris Knight, a very funny guy (as seen on YouTube), and Dave Campbell was the second winner. I was also highly entertained by the first act of the evening, a guy named Aaron Nobes, who I would describe as a 16-year-old Tony Martin. He even looked and sounded just like him! And I thought his intellectual style was funnier than the reaction given by the audience. But enough about everyone else, let me talk about me. I think I did pretty well. There was laughter where I wanted it. I’m certainly satisfied with my performance. I’ve said many times of course, I’m more of a sketch comedian than a stand-up, but I don’t think I could have lived with myself if I didn’t have a go at Raw. I did video my set… well, I didn’t actually do it. I got someone else to do it; Voice-Over’s Tim Wray, in fact. So as soon as I receive confirmation that I have not been miraculously awarded a wildcard entry into the state semi-finals and I don’t have to perform the same act again, I shall upload the footage for permanent storage on this, the Internet. But for all those who just can’t wait, you’ve probably already noticed the still image just below, which was the silliest-looking frame I could find from the footage…

    Hehe, look at those eye brows… So until slightly further into the future, to quote Jerry Springer, “some 9 years ago, I spent time with a woman I shouldn’t have… and I paid her with a cheque. I wish I hadn’t done that and the truth is, I wish no one would ever know” … oh wait… I mean, take care of yourselves… and each other.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Combining the arts of pizza and cinema

  • Farewell Little Lisa!

    Greet,

    Well, like Peter Gabriel before her, Lisa Pellegrino has hit the big time, having landed a breakfast radio job with MixFM in Darwin! So obviously this would require her to leave us all behind in Adelaide to move onwards and upwards, corporately, socially and geographically to bigger and better things. I’ll certainly miss her, not just because of her loveliness, but damn… I don’t know what I’m going to do without a brilliant female voice to use in my radio sketches…

    Here’s just a few of the clips up here at davidmgreen.com where the exceptionally talented vocal stylings of Little Lisa can be heard…

    Good times at Radio Adelaide 101.5FM… So from all of us here at davidmgreen.com, which is… really just myself… may I wish Lisa the very best of luck on her Northern Territorian breakfast radio adventure! To quote that evil guy in Star Wars: We’ll be watching your career with great interest…

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    DJ (The J is for Jedi)