Category: The Life of DMG

  • The Thrifty Browser

    Ahoy! I haven’t written a poem in about 10 years, but I was recently inspired by certain real life events to pen this one. Did somebody say, “Oh that DMG, he just hit the Australian media industry zeitgeist right in the sweet spot?”

    No?

    Well, here it is anyway…

    “The Thrifty Browser”
    By David M. Green

    I click on links in interestin’ tweets
    from The Australian & Herald Sun.
    But the journey ends when I reach the paywall.
    Money exchanged equals none.

    The Internet should be free for all.
    Online ads are bad enough.
    When I’m bombarded with pesky pop-ups,
    I vow never to buy any of that stuff.

    Have you heard the new single from blah blah blah?
    I don’t care if pop music stays alive.
    There’s songs from the ‘80s I haven’t discovered yet.
    The last CD I bought was in 2005.

    And why wait a week between episodes
    When you can just download them all in one go?
    I’m more familiar with the New York guide now.
    Just get it from HBO.

    There’s no gift you can buy me
    That I can’t just get for free.
    Although it can get a little tedious
    Browsing torrents, isoHunt and GumTree.

    I like the idea of escaping the PR
    That drives the media these days.
    The web is my sanctuary, my fortress of solitude,
    Filled with excessive cat video replays.

    Working in media would be my dream come true.
    Legitimate careers are uninspiring.
    But it’s pretty difficult to get a job at the moment.
    How come nobody’s hiring?

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Enough said.

  • Got mice?

    Daniel Gardner took a personal day yesterday complaining of “overworked typing fingers”, so I stepped up to the keyboard to share some thoughts on catching mice for the good readers of mX.

    That’s right.

    You may find it easier to read this textual version…

    David M. Green on Mice

    At first it sounds quaint or cosy – late at night to see a furry little creature curiously scurrying along the kitchen floor – but when one becomes three or four, and suddenly there’s rodents exploring cupboards, bedrooms and electrical cables, you’ve got a mouse problem.

    Mice will eat anything. They’ll nibble through plastic to get to the loaf of bread. They once ate through my housemate’s underpants in our wicker laundry basket, through which they also ate.

    Like skinning their natural feline predators, there are many ways to eradicate vermin. The obvious solution is to call a licensed professional ala Christopher Walken in Mousehunt.

    But who has that sort of money? I can’t afford to hire major Hollywood actors for such menial tasks.

    Besides, where’s the fun? Catching a mouse or three sounds like a great adventure.

    My great grandfather caught rats in Adelaide during the Great Depression. He founded his own pest control business, so catching varmints should be in my blood.

    Poison is an option. But not all poisons work immediately. You might find yourself with a decomposing carcass in an unreachable location. Not good for entertaining.

    I say go for a trap.

    Some years ago at a mouse-infested share house, my housemates and I built our own Wile E. Coyote-style trap consisting of a soup pot, a stick and a long piece of string. We just needed a small sign reading “Free Cheese” to complete the illusion.

    Three housemates, a decade of university education between us, sat silently in the dark, trying not to laugh, waiting for a mouse to unwittingly crawl beneath the pot. But those mice are fast. When one did finally inch under, I pulled the string to release the stick but by the time the pot dropped, the mouse was long gone.

    It was a blessing in disguise really – we hadn’t thought ahead as to what we would do once we actually caught the mouse, alive.

    But if you’re buying a proper mouse trap, there are some traps for young players (pardon the pun).

    Firstly, don’t use a RAT trap. Rat traps are for trapping rats. Not mice.

    Mice are too light and nimble to activate the trigger on a big rat trap – they just lick it clean and mockingly leave it for you to find the next morning.

    The best type of mouse trap is the classic wooden design with the metal spring-loaded snapping bar mechanism. They’re also very cheap – two for a dollar from your nearest discount retailer.

    But still, these traps can suffer the same problem. The mice simply eat the bait with the gentlest of gnawing and live to scurry another day.

    A great tip is to use peanut butter for bait, and smear it all over the trap. If the mouse has to crawl all over the trap it’s bound to slip up and SNAP!

    But for the animal lovers, the best tactic might be to just learn to co-exist with our furry friends. That is of course until you can afford a nicer place.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    There’s a mouse next to my computer!

  • Life’s simple pleasures

    The search for happiness and meaning in life is not a new pursuit. But there are moments where you tend to ponder the big picture more than usual.

    I recently departed a full time job and moved into my own apartment, where I suddenly found myself with a lot of time for reflection.

    And I’ve realised the things that make me the happiest are all pretty simple.

    Forget about love, expensive holidays and a dream career! I’ve come up with a list of seven of life’s simple pleasures I believe are the key to happiness. Here they are in no particular order…

    1. Ice in a glass.

    My grandfather, who owned a pub, always said that ice is the cheapest thing you can put in a glass. And short of “absolutely nothing”, he’s right. Having recently purchased my first refrigerator, I’ve made sure there’s a ridiculously large stockpile of ice cubes in the freezer.

    Don’t you love that sound of the ice cracking as a fizzy beverage cascades into a glass? It’s a hypnotic ritual and it always puts a smile on my face.

    2. A hot shower.

    Even after the worst day, ten minutes under a steady stream of hot water can wash away the most awful stresses of the outside world. It’s our fortress of moistened solitude. I imagine Superman has a similar setup at the North Pole. No doubt insulated in some way from the ice.

    3. Carpet.

    Having lived in houses with floorboards for the last few years, it’s so nice to be able to walk barefoot around the house in soft fuzzy comfort again. Plus you can stretch out on the floor without bruising yourself. And it slows down the formation of dust bunnies.

    4. A seven-second hug.

    Hugs are great. But close contact with another human (or animal) for seven seconds or longer releases endorphins that make us feel fantastic. Get as much hug action as you can. Just make sure it’s consensual, because grabbing a stranger at a train station for seven seconds counts as assault.

    5. Sunshine.

    It’s warm. It’s free. And it’s always there. Just don’t stand it in unprotected for too long or stare directly at it. The same can be said for urine.

    6. Bricks.

    That’s right. Bricks. You see less bricks now than in days past. But nothing beats a solid double brick wall for sound-proofing and insulation. Plus you can nail a picture hanger anywhere you like without using a stud-finder.

    And there’s nothing like a bare brick wall on the INSIDE of a house to remind you no wolf is huffing and puffing his way in here. Especially those really dark bricks that are almost black. Oh yeah… that’s the stuff…

    And finally:

    7. Good health

    It seems it’s only when you’re sick that you appreciate just how great it is not to be. Sometimes we can’t control this one. So enjoy it while you can.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Budget pleasure-seeker.

  • 31 Questions Ep #04 with TV’s Pete Smith!

    Best ep yet.

    But of course, I would say that wouldn’t I?

    Thanks for the Twitter love, folks!

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Pete Smith = Pure class.

  • How to attract an audience

    Hi, I’m TV’s David M. Green – Host of the hilariously rating low budget TV game show “31 Questions”, Saturday nights 10PM on Channel 31 Melbourne & Geelong.

    Are you a comedian, musician, ventriloquist or some other type of performer?

    Putting on a show?

    Need an audience?

    Then watch this video for a few helpful hints on how to promote your gig and boost your audience numbers…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANMvQADAE8k&feature=plcp

    I can only assume you now feel better about yourself.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Waster of other people’s time.