As I quickly approach a decade of dabbling in “The Biz”, I find myself pausing for a moment and doing a double take at all the crap I’ve done. And I use the word “crap” in the most positive sense. As in, “Hey, check out all that crap”.

I’ve worked with lots of people. Many of them lovely. Many of them talented. Many of them just once. I’ve been on both sides of the camera and the mic, and pressed about a billion buttons.

And even though I’m just 26, every time it looks like I might be turning a casual gig into a career, I discover there’s a new way you can lose a job. Hence I’ve learned a few important lessons in my time. Lessons I would like to share with you.

So whether you’re a veteran of the entertainment industry, a bright eyed wannabe or someone who wouldn’t leave the security of your suit and cubical to touch a microphone with a ten foot boom pole, here are some handy tips for working in show biz:

1. Tell people what they want to hear.

The best way to get ahead in the glamorous world of show biz is by making everyone happy. Don’t disappoint anyone. Ever. Was it a good show tonight? Absolutely! How’s my hair? Sensational! Are you sure you’ll be able to edit all those scripts by yourself by tonight? I sure am!

Remember, promises are cheap. It doesn’t cost you anything to make a promise. Make as many as you can as fast as you can. Don’t stop for any reason. No promise is too ridiculous. Just make sure you can blame someone else if whatever you promised doesn’t just happen on its own. Make sure you lie on your CV too.

2. Show up late, or not at all.

Call times are just a guide. If you’re told to turn up on set at 8AM, that just means you can set your alarm for 8AM. Don’t bother factoring in travel time or traffic. Feel free to stop for petrol or a coffee on the way in. And take the scenic route – after all, you don’t want to be stressed when you arrive just after 10.

Production managers factor all these things in when they write the schedule. They hate it when you turn up early. So turn up late. And they usually schedule more people than they need. So no pressure to turn up at all if you’ve got a better offer. No need to even call. You’ve got to look out for number one because hey, who else will?

3. Don’t waste producers’ time.

Producing anything is a tough, grueling, thankless job. Especially television. The last thing a time poor producer wants to hear is some lackey asking permission to use the bathroom or eat in the studio or record an iPhone video during a take. Just do it. The less they know you’re even there, the better.

4. If you break it, keep it secret.

If you find yourself using a piece of equipment you haven’t been trained on (See Lesson 1) and inevitably end up breaking it, best to keep it to yourself. The next person to use it will probably discover the problem anyway. And most likely just in time for an important shoot.

5. Don’t bother replying to emails.

So much communication is done via email these days. Emails are a dime a dozen. No one seriously expects you to acknowledge every single email a producer sends you. Hell, they don’t even expect you to READ them. So don’t worry if you just want to select all and delete. An empty inbox will mean your porn streams faster.

6. Give out phone numbers.

Everyone in show biz has a mobile phone. It’s by far the fastest way to get in contact with anyone. So if you come across the phone number of someone important, write it down, save it, and give it to anyone who asks for it. Crew phone numbers, executive phone numbers and ESPECIALLY talent phone numbers.

You’re even well within your rights to ask for a few bucks when giving out the phone number of someone semi-famous. Why not trade it for a favour or a job? Remember, there’s no right to privacy in show biz. If Russell Crowe didn’t want people calling him anytime 24/7, he wouldn’t hand-write his digits on a business card and leave it in his agent’s locked briefcase.

7. Steal.

It’s a tough business, show business. So give yourself a helping hand and help yourself. A catering table is the industry’s gift to YOU. Keep coming back for more, especially if you’re not even working on the shoot.

But don’t stop there. Steal anything you can get your hands on. Equipment, footage, other people’s ideas. “Ideas” don’t belong to anyone. Use them immediately for yourself or stow them away for a few years. And invest in a pair of bolt cutters. They’ll pay for themselves after the second or third locker.

8. Don’t bother with back-ups.

Delete footage and data once you’ve used it, especially emergency back-up stuff. Holding on to raw footage is a waste of time. Save over it or get rid of it. You’ll never need it. Neither will anyone else. Don’t even keep it “just in case”. Keep your hard drive free for more porn.

9. Act like a big star.

If you want people to take you seriously in show biz, you have to act like a big star. People respect jerks. So make outrageous demands. And don’t bother to remember people’s names, particularly subordinates you’ll never encounter again in the future. They should be happy just to be sharing the same oxygen as you. Make no mistake, you’ll be the most respected camera operator in the studio.

10. Sleep with anyone and everyone.

Fuck everyone! This is show biz! Sex brings cast and crew together. So sleep with all of them. Especially people you’re going to be working closely with in the future. And remember, wrap parties are easy picking 😉

So get out there and schmooze, lie, cheat, steal and sleep your way to fame and fortune in the greatest business of all.

Oh and if you’d like to learn more about television, look out for 31 Questions. Season 2 debuts on C31 Melbourne and Geelong Saturday July 27 8.30PM.

Kind regards,
David M. Green
Purveyor of fine humour.