David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

  • 2012. Highest of highs. Lowest of lows.

    I started 2012 in much the same way I end it: Relaxing in Adelaide, uncertain about my state of employment when I return to Melbourne.

    12 months ago, I was on my Christmas break from panelling “The Steve Vizard Show” on Melbourne Talk Radio. Instead of finding a fill-in host for 4 weeks, MTR instead took a network feed from 2GB in Sydney. This sparked rumours the show wouldn’t be coming back in 2012.

    My plan was simply to work there as long as possible. That ended up being 7 weeks.

    It was just a regular day at the radio station on 2 March 2012. The Vizard crew left early to have some farewell drinks in St Kilda to celebrate assistant producer Gen’s last day. We were sitting outside on Fitzroy Street around 4.45PM when phones started ringing. And that was it. MTR had been clumbsily pulled off the air by upper management at 5PM.

    Turned out it was everyone’s last day.

    But at least we were in the right place for it. I never ended up paying, so thank you to who ever fixed the bill that night. I went back to the station around 7 o’clock to pick up my bag. Naturally the studio had been dead-bolted, my security pass deactivated and a security guard posted at the front door. Fortunately there was a nice chap at SEN who let me in. I took the opportunity to swipe some post-it notes.

    This happened at a particularly difficult time for me, as I’d just signed a lease on my own apartment two days earlier. Conveniently in the adjacent suburb to the MTR studios. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!?!

    I tried my luck at some other radio stations, though it turns out it’s not much easier to get panelling work even with experience. And in my case anyway, no one seemed particularly interested in paying for training. So the option was to go in and work for free for an indeterminate amount of time with no promise of a job at the end of it, while my rent goes unpaid, or give up and get a job stacking shelves in a supermarket like so many other out-of-work show biz types.

    Hence I was extremely lucky to land another local panelling gig at Crocmedia, working on AFL Live with the legendary sports broadcasters in Rex Hunt, Sandy Roberts and Peter Donegan. Certainly the best part of that whole venture was being the go-to sound effect guy for Rex Hunt. And panelling the Grand Final to 96 radio stations (flawlessly, I might add) is going to be a highlight of radio career that won’t soon be surpassed.

    [display_podcast]

    So from March to April, I went from full time radio work to weekend radio work, with a little casual wedding DJ-ing in between. The DJ-ing lasted until I discovered I was being paid half of the travel allowance I was lead to believe. Is it too much to ask to be given a freaking break?

    Though less money was coming my way, I did have an abundance of time, which came in handy in the lead up to shooting the first season of my TV game show 31 Questions. This was why I moved to Melbourne, after all.

    Television.

    Without a doubt, it’s been the best experience of my life. My favourite part of the process was being in the studio, joking around with the cast, crew and contestants. When a gag I had written months earlier was finally delivered (not necessarily by me) and it actually WORKED, I can’t describe how rewarding the laughter was. It was such a thrill when anything on that show actually worked. Even the buzzers.

    And I’m so pleased with how far the show has come. It was always a distant goal to get it aired on all the community stations around Australia. And we did it. We even got approved by a TV station in New Zealand.

    The team and I now have our eyes set on a second season, which is due to start shooting in March 2013. There are still plenty of mistakes we made in season 1, which I’m relishing the opportunity to improve upon.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOVE3TJtkYE

    Here are some of my favourite ridiculously positive comments left on the 31 Questions Facebook Page this year:

    Lachlan Couley, Sydney, 4 Dec
    “This is the best show I’ve ever watched in my whole life.”

    Jacob Thaw, Melbourne, 26 Jul
    “I don’t think it would be unreasonable to say that this is the best game show on c31. Perhaps even the best show on television. 31 thumbs up!”

    Daniel Barrie, Sydney, 17 Dec
    “You guys are flippin Hillarious! Me and my housemates watch this crap every week!!! Lmfao the best half hour I waste every week”

    Pip Schapel, Adelaide, 20 Nov
    “Dear 31 questions, I’m devastated tonights your last show. came across it a few wks back & it’s f****** awesome. Some of the contestants are fair average though…I would win this show, I get heaps of these questions right. Hope you do another season PEACE!”

    Blazenka Brysha, Melbourne, 11 Jun
    “I think the reason you lot are not on the ABC is because you are so entertaining. I do hope that you can still remain so chipper and creative when the ABC lures you into its staid straightjacket.”

    Lachy Palmos, Perth, 16 Oct
    “this is probably the best show on television at the moment…legit”

    How fantastic is that? People who actually like the show! Thanks everyone. It’s so rewarding to read these comments.

    Perhaps more interesting, what does it say about the general state of TV in Australia when someone would actually say that our crappy little game show is “the best show on television”?

    Obviously a pretty sad line up…

    I’ve also done quite a bit of freelance writing work this year, appearing in/on The Drum, Mamamia, The Punch, mX and Australian Popular Science Magazine.

    There were a handful of other little creative projects: a couple of podcasts, more Too Easy episodes, a screenplay, the odd bit of voice-over work, etc. I also spent seven weeks working at a digital advertising agency. It was a valuable experience in the sense I’ve added another occupation to the list of jobs I don’t want.

    In the year of our lord 2012, I also made my debut on ABC Radio National’s “The Science Show” with a 5 minute radio story about a Carl Sagan-inspired play at the Malthouse Theatre called “Pale Blue Dot”.

    Science has always been an interest of mine. Had comedy not been my chosen path, I reckon I’d have set my eyes on space.

    After 4 years of ABC job applications, I finally managed to get a few casual producing shifts at 774 ABC Melbourne, producing for “The Morning Program” with Jon Faine. I enjoyed working there and would definitely be interested in MORE SHIFTS… something to keep pursuing in 2013 😉

    In fact, the ABC has been the dream for a long time. It seems to be the the only place in radio or TV in Australia that really gives talent the opportunity to develop and create content that isn’t about Kim Kardashian.

    Though I only did 3 shifts at ABC 774 this year, I did meet Jill Meagher a few weeks before she died. She was the unit assistant, so she handled all the paperwork when I started. She was a lovely person and like everyone else, I was completely shocked and deeply saddened when she was found raped and murdered.

    Events like this, terrible as they are, give people a chance to step back and appreciate the important things in life. And I’ll tell you what, petty office politics isn’t one of them.

    Possibly the biggest lifestyle change I’ve experienced this year is a new found appreciation for tea. That’s all thanks to Van Badham, my close friend and mentor. She introduced me to Dilmah Rose and French Vanilla tea with vanilla soy milk. Sure, it’s more camp than a row of tents. But it’s absolutely sensational.

    Tea tastes considerably better when you have it in a proper teacup. As nice as it is to drink a hot beverage from a mug with my face on it, a traditional teacup holds less liquid, so the tea is more highly concentrated. And I think there’s something about the cone-esque shape of the cup that aerates the tea better, or some crap.

    Anyway, my parents have a bunch of old porcelain handed down through the generations just sitting in boxes at the family mansion. They haven’t been used in 50 years or something. So I’ve taken it upon myself to take them to Melbourne. What’s the point of having these fabulous antiques if you aren’t getting pleasure from using them?

    You only live once. These things are supposed to be enjoyed!

    So what’s the plan for 2013?

    Season 2 of “31 Questions” on Channel 31 and beyond. And some more paid work would be nice.

    I’d also like to invest in my own proper recording equipment so I can finally be free to create audio masterpieces without having to rely on other people or organisations.

    Anything else will be a bonus.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    See you in 2013.

  • About Time

    It appears TV’s Anthony McCormack has joined Richard Nixon and Adolf Hitler as some guy on the cover of a magazine.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    31 Questions season 2. It’s time.

  • David M. Green and Other Famous People

    Every man and his dog has a podcast these days. I now have 3. Podcasts, not dogs.

    But my latest one is perhaps a little more relatable than four nautical-themed characters prattling on about old timey things or two guys irritating Michael Caine…

    David M. Green and Other Famous People!

    It’s a collection of interviews, all of them featuring me and another famous person. The first two episodes are now available on iTunes for your downloading pleasure.

    Episode 1 is my 2006 interview with Tony Martin. I’ve also managed to dig up an ID he recorded as John Howard, which I’d completely forgotten about and hasn’t seen the light of day since it first aired on the now non-existent Flinders University Student Radio.

    Episode 2 is my first interview with Shaun Micallef. And I’ve also included the ID he recorded, which won me the 2007 South Australian Community Broadcasting Association “Bilby” Award for “Best Station ID” for some reason.

    If you’re not a fan of iTunes (I’m certainly not), you can hear the episodes RIGHT HERE:

    [display_podcast]

    But hey, don’t think this’ll just be a junk yard for my 6-year-old Radio Adelaide interviews. I’m planning on recording some NEW interviews with NEW famous people. Stay tuned.

    And if you’re wondering what ever happened to that podcast I was doing with Anthony McCormack – The Good Show – we’ve been struggling to find adequate studio facilities and nice people to let us record there for free. It looks like I’m going to have to bite the bullet and buy my own equipment so I won’t be faced with this problem again.

    It’s quite ridiculous the history of trouble I’ve had with getting access to recording facilities.

    SAFM said I could use their studios when I worked there in 2008, but they wouldn’t give me a computer login, so I could record but I couldn’t get the audio off the computers. Around the same time I was making sketches for 891 ABC Adelaide, but they wouldn’t let me record the sketches there, which were FOR THE ABC. Ridiculously, we had to use community radio facilities at Radio Adelaide, until Radio Adelaide found out we were recording non-Radio Adelaide things. They didn’t like that.

    For a brief time when I was working at MTR, I had access to their fabulous studios. Until they shut down in March. Fun Fact: “Studio Pleasant” is now the SEN news booth.

    I feel like Monet without a steady supply of canvases. Or Beethoven without his hearing.

    So I guess I’m saying I’m Beethoven.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    My kingdom for two microphones and a mixer?

  • Relax Frankie… it’s 31 Questions!

    Ahh… satire.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green

    PS. Apologies to my sister Hannah, who thought this was real and told all her friends that her brother is on the cover of upcoming edition of Frankie Magazine.

  • What makes a perfect restaurant?

    Seinfeld restaurant

    In the last year, two of my favourite Indian restaurants have closed down. The first one was shut down by the health inspector, re-opened under new management and then burnt down (not even joking – it was at the top of Lygon Street, in East Brunswick). And much to my recent despair, I just discovered my other favourite Indian restaurant has changed into a Chinese restaurant.

    I’m just devastated.

    A good restaurant is like a woman. She’s inviting. Her service is excellent. And she adheres to proper fire code regulations.

    But a good restaurant that meets my select criteria of perfection is hard to find. Let me share with you the secret of what makes the perfect restaurant.

    First and foremost…

    1. Atmosphere

    When we dine out, we want to dine in a comfortable setting. Otherwise, we’re better off saving our money and staying home.

    Soft lighting is a must. It hides those blemishes and makes everyone look like a movie star. Or at least a background extra. If you’re dining in a bistro with harsh fluorescent lighting, you may as well eat dinner at an office. Or an office toilet.

    2. Comfort

    Obviously the chairs need to be comfortable. Some restaurants have a philosophy that the tables and chairs should be adequate, but not too comfortable, to encourage faster patron turnover. For example, those non-padded chairs with the seat and back at rigid 90 degree angles to each other. You want a nice cushioned seat that you can lean back on a little, mull away and shoot the breeze.

    I’ve been a big fan of the booth for many a year.

    3. Space

    A good seating plan is also important. You don’t want to be sitting right next to a couple of strangers. And a word of caution, if that couple is just staring at one another and not talking, that means they’re eavesdropping on your conversation. That’s certainly what I’m doing, anyway.

    A good restaurant has plenty of space between tables. And a perfect restaurant is only ever at 50 per cent capacity. Though it’s a fine line finding an eatery that’s good enough to be popular and stay in business, yet not an overcrowded cattle yard.

    When restaurants are packed with guests, it can get quite loud, which is why a perfect restaurant has carpeted floors and soft curtains or tapestries on the walls to absorb the sound. Floorboards and sheer flat wall surfaces reflect noise and can make you feel like you’re dining in a crowded parking garage.

    And no one wants to sit anywhere near the kitchen, bathroom or any high traffic area where you’re likely to get bumped by elbows and hear noises you’re not particularly interested in. Speaking of which, if this restaurant has a guy with a guitar or other obtrusive musical instrument wandering around offering to sing to unsuspecting couples, that’s an instant deal-breaker for perfect restaurant.

    4. Service

    After ambience, the most important thing is the service. Australian restaurants have a reputation for substandard service. This is an unfortunate by-product of our lack of tipping culture. By comparison, in the United States, waiting staff can’t wait to top up your water or check if you need anything because they know good service means a friendly gratuity.

    The best thing about American restaurants is the virtually universal rule of complimentary soft drink refills. Go anywhere, and if you buy a cola, you can drink as much as you like. But here on the driest continent on Earth, the drinks are damn expensive, and if you want another watered down lemonade, that’ll be another $4.50. Unless of course you’re dining at Hungry Jack’s or TGI Friday’s.

    But you can’t beat good service. In a perfect restaurant, the staff are always one move ahead.

    5. The food, I guess…

    Lastly, the thing that will keep you coming back: the food. There’s no point dining in a magnificently appointed restaurant if the food is terrible. It’s got to be good. Simple as that. But you already knew that one.

    If you can find a restaurant that has all of these things and doesn’t hurt your pocket, you may have just found the world’s best place to dine.

    Make sure you tell just enough friends about it to keep the place from going out of business.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Don’t make the same mistake I did.