• The Thrifty Browser

    Ahoy! I haven’t written a poem in about 10 years, but I was recently inspired by certain real life events to pen this one. Did somebody say, “Oh that DMG, he just hit the Australian media industry zeitgeist right in the sweet spot?”

    No?

    Well, here it is anyway…

    “The Thrifty Browser”
    By David M. Green

    I click on links in interestin’ tweets
    from The Australian & Herald Sun.
    But the journey ends when I reach the paywall.
    Money exchanged equals none.

    The Internet should be free for all.
    Online ads are bad enough.
    When I’m bombarded with pesky pop-ups,
    I vow never to buy any of that stuff.

    Have you heard the new single from blah blah blah?
    I don’t care if pop music stays alive.
    There’s songs from the ‘80s I haven’t discovered yet.
    The last CD I bought was in 2005.

    And why wait a week between episodes
    When you can just download them all in one go?
    I’m more familiar with the New York guide now.
    Just get it from HBO.

    There’s no gift you can buy me
    That I can’t just get for free.
    Although it can get a little tedious
    Browsing torrents, isoHunt and GumTree.

    I like the idea of escaping the PR
    That drives the media these days.
    The web is my sanctuary, my fortress of solitude,
    Filled with excessive cat video replays.

    Working in media would be my dream come true.
    Legitimate careers are uninspiring.
    But it’s pretty difficult to get a job at the moment.
    How come nobody’s hiring?

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Enough said.

  • 31 Questions in mX!

    In case you missed it…

    In other news, I can also announce the low budget TV game show no one’s heard of will begin airing in Perth and Adelaide within 2 weeks:

    Watch 31 Questions on WestTV Perth Saturdays 11.30PM starting August 25. Also repeated Mondays 10PM.

    Or if you’re in Australia’s 5th largest city, catch the show on 44 Adelaide Tuesdays 10.30PM starting August 28.

    Alternatively, you could just watch 69.2% of the whole first season on YouTube RIGHT NOW!

    For Melburnians and Geelong…ans… though, you can be the first to see Ep #10 TONIGHT 10PM on your Channel 31.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Oh yeah and something about America…

  • 31 Questions Ep #09: Toilet flushes galore!

    MMMmmmmyyyeeeeeessss!

    This week it’s Fran vs. Rob on everyone’s favourite no-budget TV game show… 31 QUESTIONS!

    The gag round for episode #9 continues the tradition of Australian TV stealing ideas from David Letterman with a brand new segment called “Will it flush?” where contestants predict which households items will indeed be flushed down the toilet or remain floating in the bowl for the next poor sap to deal with…

    Did someone say “good taste”?

    No?

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    This episode is dedicated to the brave men and women of the Australian Armed Forces.

  • 31 Questions Ep #08: Bald celebrities edition!

    MMMmmmmyyyeeeeeessss!

    It’s episode #8 of 31 Questions! Featuring the gag segment “Low Brow” – where contestants need to identify celebrities from photos of said celebrities with their hair and eyebrows removed.

    You all like celebrities, right?

    Contestants Emily and Nick used to be friends, but they haven’t thought of each other lately at all as they go head to head to see who has the superior command of general knowledge and pop culture.

    How many questions can YOU answer?

    …I’m asking you a question!

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Anyone actually go chrome for Chromosome Day?

  • Got mice?

    Daniel Gardner took a personal day yesterday complaining of “overworked typing fingers”, so I stepped up to the keyboard to share some thoughts on catching mice for the good readers of mX.

    That’s right.

    You may find it easier to read this textual version…

    David M. Green on Mice

    At first it sounds quaint or cosy – late at night to see a furry little creature curiously scurrying along the kitchen floor – but when one becomes three or four, and suddenly there’s rodents exploring cupboards, bedrooms and electrical cables, you’ve got a mouse problem.

    Mice will eat anything. They’ll nibble through plastic to get to the loaf of bread. They once ate through my housemate’s underpants in our wicker laundry basket, through which they also ate.

    Like skinning their natural feline predators, there are many ways to eradicate vermin. The obvious solution is to call a licensed professional ala Christopher Walken in Mousehunt.

    But who has that sort of money? I can’t afford to hire major Hollywood actors for such menial tasks.

    Besides, where’s the fun? Catching a mouse or three sounds like a great adventure.

    My great grandfather caught rats in Adelaide during the Great Depression. He founded his own pest control business, so catching varmints should be in my blood.

    Poison is an option. But not all poisons work immediately. You might find yourself with a decomposing carcass in an unreachable location. Not good for entertaining.

    I say go for a trap.

    Some years ago at a mouse-infested share house, my housemates and I built our own Wile E. Coyote-style trap consisting of a soup pot, a stick and a long piece of string. We just needed a small sign reading “Free Cheese” to complete the illusion.

    Three housemates, a decade of university education between us, sat silently in the dark, trying not to laugh, waiting for a mouse to unwittingly crawl beneath the pot. But those mice are fast. When one did finally inch under, I pulled the string to release the stick but by the time the pot dropped, the mouse was long gone.

    It was a blessing in disguise really – we hadn’t thought ahead as to what we would do once we actually caught the mouse, alive.

    But if you’re buying a proper mouse trap, there are some traps for young players (pardon the pun).

    Firstly, don’t use a RAT trap. Rat traps are for trapping rats. Not mice.

    Mice are too light and nimble to activate the trigger on a big rat trap – they just lick it clean and mockingly leave it for you to find the next morning.

    The best type of mouse trap is the classic wooden design with the metal spring-loaded snapping bar mechanism. They’re also very cheap – two for a dollar from your nearest discount retailer.

    But still, these traps can suffer the same problem. The mice simply eat the bait with the gentlest of gnawing and live to scurry another day.

    A great tip is to use peanut butter for bait, and smear it all over the trap. If the mouse has to crawl all over the trap it’s bound to slip up and SNAP!

    But for the animal lovers, the best tactic might be to just learn to co-exist with our furry friends. That is of course until you can afford a nicer place.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    There’s a mouse next to my computer!