David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

  • My, that’s a nice profile

    Here’s a poem I wrote about online dating. Chicks dig poetry, right?

    “My, that’s a nice profile”
    By David M. Green

    I wonder why
    She wants a guy
    To treat her like a princess?

    I staked out her home.
    I tapped her phone.
    I chased her through a tunnel…
    But nevertheless,
    She did not accept my contact request.

    She has a plan
    To find a man
    Who knows exactly what he wants.

    But I know what I want
    I conveyed it via font
    “I’d love to meet up sometime.”
    From the debutante,
    Only a response that was nonchalant.

    It must be a ploy
    To befriend a boy
    With photos so revealing.

    She looks like a chick
    Who goes to bed quick
    “Oh I’m not that kind of girl”
    I get the feeling,
    She finds me not the least bit appealing.

    Her profile’s been viewed
    By many a dude
    I’m in with the latest batch.

    She likes to par-tee.
    She enjoys a DVD.
    Who doesn’t enjoy those things?
    With such a high match,
    How can she think I’m not a great catch?

    Now this one gal
    From my locale
    Claims to have an open mind.

    Now, she’s not into sleaze.
    And no Indians please.
    Must have job and must have beard.
    I suspect I’ll find…
    That my witty request has been declined.

    With constant ignoring
    Online dating’s boring.
    Eyes hurt from the black and white.

    No wonder men feel inept.
    When no lady will accept.
    I should just delete this thing…
    Oh my God! A bite!
    And how are you on this Saturday night? 🙂

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    See you online. Oh wait, we’re already there.

  • 31 Questions Ep #10: Beautiful People’s Edition!

    MMMMMmmmmYYYYYEEEEESSSSS!

    It’s the 10th episode of 31 Questions for your YouTube viewing pleasure. This one features a cameo appearance from host of Deal or No Deal Australia, TV’s Andrew O’Keefe.

    And thanks to the marvelous editing of Anthony McCormack, you’ll hardly even notice the terrible audio issues we had while shooting that sketch, and which we didn’t notice until we got to the editing room.

    Let this be a free lesson for the aspiring television-maker: It’s not enough to just monitor the audio levels on the camera’s little viewing screen. You have to actually be listening with HEADPHONES. Otherwise you won’t pick up weird clicky noises caused be faulty XLR cables and be forced to dub scenes with audio from different takes.

    But hey, that’s the fun of TV…

    Thanks again to AO’K for being such a good sport and allowing us to blow him up for the entertainment of others.

    We’ve had quite a bit of feedback from viewers recently, which is FANTASTIC!

    Here’s a fine post about us from Bother’s Bar on the other side of the planet, where he describes me as “Tim Vine-esque”. I’ll certainly take that!

    Fun fact: During my 2010 interview with Tim Vine, we jointly came up with the “Typo Magazine’s Man of the Ear” gag, which I later used in Ep #6 of 31 Questions.

    That’s one of my favourite lines. I originally came up with “Typo Magazine’s Man of the Beer”. But Tim Vine suggested “Ear”. A superior punchline. Or punch “word”, really. In my opinion, it should be a contender for “World’s most perfect joke”. Just six words long, but it’s all it needs to be.

    Of course regardless of its comic perfection, when I delivered that line in Ep #6 the joke bombed.

    Makes ME laugh…

    We also had a YouTube comment on Ep #10 from a guy called “jedimerchants”. It’s quite bizarre. This video response pretty much sums it up:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkEDlQNoiaY

    Thank you once again beautiful contestants!

    Ep #11 arrives on your television screen (assuming you live in Melbourne or Geelong AND don’t live in an apartment building that automatically blocks out Channel 31… found that one out the hard way last weekend…) tomorrow (Saturday) evening 10PM on Digital 44.

    See you then (from the TV).

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    I’m not crazy.

  • The Thrifty Browser

    Ahoy! I haven’t written a poem in about 10 years, but I was recently inspired by certain real life events to pen this one. Did somebody say, “Oh that DMG, he just hit the Australian media industry zeitgeist right in the sweet spot?”

    No?

    Well, here it is anyway…

    “The Thrifty Browser”
    By David M. Green

    I click on links in interestin’ tweets
    from The Australian & Herald Sun.
    But the journey ends when I reach the paywall.
    Money exchanged equals none.

    The Internet should be free for all.
    Online ads are bad enough.
    When I’m bombarded with pesky pop-ups,
    I vow never to buy any of that stuff.

    Have you heard the new single from blah blah blah?
    I don’t care if pop music stays alive.
    There’s songs from the ‘80s I haven’t discovered yet.
    The last CD I bought was in 2005.

    And why wait a week between episodes
    When you can just download them all in one go?
    I’m more familiar with the New York guide now.
    Just get it from HBO.

    There’s no gift you can buy me
    That I can’t just get for free.
    Although it can get a little tedious
    Browsing torrents, isoHunt and GumTree.

    I like the idea of escaping the PR
    That drives the media these days.
    The web is my sanctuary, my fortress of solitude,
    Filled with excessive cat video replays.

    Working in media would be my dream come true.
    Legitimate careers are uninspiring.
    But it’s pretty difficult to get a job at the moment.
    How come nobody’s hiring?

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Enough said.

  • 31 Questions in mX!

    In case you missed it…

    In other news, I can also announce the low budget TV game show no one’s heard of will begin airing in Perth and Adelaide within 2 weeks:

    Watch 31 Questions on WestTV Perth Saturdays 11.30PM starting August 25. Also repeated Mondays 10PM.

    Or if you’re in Australia’s 5th largest city, catch the show on 44 Adelaide Tuesdays 10.30PM starting August 28.

    Alternatively, you could just watch 69.2% of the whole first season on YouTube RIGHT NOW!

    For Melburnians and Geelong…ans… though, you can be the first to see Ep #10 TONIGHT 10PM on your Channel 31.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Oh yeah and something about America…

  • 31 Questions Ep #09: Toilet flushes galore!

    MMMmmmmyyyeeeeeessss!

    This week it’s Fran vs. Rob on everyone’s favourite no-budget TV game show… 31 QUESTIONS!

    The gag round for episode #9 continues the tradition of Australian TV stealing ideas from David Letterman with a brand new segment called “Will it flush?” where contestants predict which households items will indeed be flushed down the toilet or remain floating in the bowl for the next poor sap to deal with…

    Did someone say “good taste”?

    No?

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    This episode is dedicated to the brave men and women of the Australian Armed Forces.