David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

  • Adelaide Advertiser FAIL.

    On a recent trip to my home town, I was reminded once again how The Advertiser, Adelaide’s only daily newspaper, is just… terrible.

    Without even trying to find fault, the complete incompetence of that newspaper bursts forth from its tabloid pages.

    And forget about the actual JOURNALISM for a second! How about some FREAKING common sense!?!

    Nice placement of the FOOD SECTION:

    100 children dying of hunger daily… Shaken and stirred! The secret to Alessandro Pavoni’s 17-minute risotto! MmmmMMMmmm…

    And this one’s been frustrating me for years. I can’t believe they haven’t redesigned their reader opinion results graph yet.

    Firstly, let’s see how a newspaper with a trace of common sense presents their results. This is from Melbourne’s Herald Sun (oddly enough, owned by the same company – News Ltd):

    Quite clearly, more people voted “NO” than “YES”. Okay. All good.

    But how does the Adelaide Advertiser present their reader results? Like this:

    WHY!?!

    WHY DO THEY DO THIS!?!

    What is the point of THAT ARROW? It serves NO PURPOSE! Other than to confuse the reader.

    If it’s a majority of YES, the arrow points to NO! IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE!

    It’s like they stole a graphic from the 2007 Federal election and slapped an arrow on it for no reason.

    And it’s not like this is a recent graph design. From memory they started printing that graph maybe 2008 or 2009? And they’ve been doing it ever since.

    Adelaide is a one paper town, badly in need of a broadsheet alternative.

    It fills me with great annoyance every time I return and catch a glance at the paper on my parents’ kitchen table. At least I don’t have to look at it every day.

    If you do, you have my sympathy.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Newspaper critic.

  • I want candy… wait, what?

    On a recent peruse through the supermarket aisles, searching to satisfy my notorious sweet tooth, I came across a small spelling discrepancy. Allow me to illustrate…

    Exhibit A – Foodland, Brighton, SA

    Exhibit E – Woolworths, Coburg, Vic.

    I am confused. To be honest, I wasn’t completely sure which version was correct.

    But to my surprise, believe it or not, according to dictionary.com, BOTH spellings are acceptable:

    “Confectionery”
    noun, plural -er·ies
    1. confections or sweetmeats collectively.
    2. the work or business of a confectioner.
    3. a confectioner’s shop.

    “Confectionary”
    noun, plural -ar·ies
    1. a candy; sweetmeat.
    2. a place where confections are kept or made.
    3. confectionery.
    adjective
    4. pertaining to or of the nature of confections or their production.

    Go figure.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    For the record, I purchased Fruchocs at Foodland and a MilkyBar at Woolworths. HmmmMMMMmmmm… Ohhhh yeeeessss…

  • So you want to be an extra?

    This year I’ve dabbled in a bit of work as a television extra. You might recognise me as “guy walking in background with street light antennae” in the above scene from episode 17 of Seven’s “Winners and Losers”… No? Well, you must have missed that one.

    I’ve now been a professional extra on shoots for every major Australian television network, with the exception of SBS. As well, I’ve finally got around to watching Ricky Gervais’s “Extras”, which is some fantastic satire on the whole process of being an extra. Plus it’s just a funny show.

    So I thought I’d pool all of my “wisdom” together into a blog entry to enlighten you on some common myths and harsh realities of working as a television extra.

    1. It’s good money.

    No it isn’t.

    Sure, a lot of the time you’ll just be sitting around getting $25 an hour, waiting to be told where to walk. But you might be lucky enough to get one or two 4-hour jobs A MONTH (assuming you live somewhere with a thriving film and television scene). You’re not getting paid to sit around the other 712 hours of the month.

    And keep in mind, you have to give 10% to your agent.

    The real TV money is in acting, writing, producing, directing and crewing. But you’re never going to buy a house by working as an extra.

    2. Free catering!

    Well… sometimes…

    This is one of the finest illustrations of what it’s like for an extra at the catering table… (skip to 8.21):

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBFZP2wU1Tg

    From my own personal experience, I’ve found that often the producers will try very hard to AVOID feeding the extras. Feeding extras = extra costs.

    One time I was on a shoot with a cal time of 6AM. I approached the catering table, just hoping for a coffee. A guy who was standing at an espresso machine said, “What are ya after mate?” I replied, “Oh… just a flat white, thanks.”

    I made two mistakes there:

    1. He wasn’t the guy who makes the coffees. And
    2. Coffee was for actors and crew only.

    So I settled with just a water.

    On another occasion, I’d just finished 4 hours of wandering in the background with a group of about eight other extras. The AD (Assistant Director) called out, “Right that’s lunch everyone. Oh, and extras, that’s a wrap for you. You can go straight home.”

    But if you’re lucky enough to land a full day extra gig somewhere, make the most of it and enjoy that free food!

    3. You get to MEET famous people!

    Maybe…

    You’re probably more likely to MEET a famous actor if you’re hanging around the set and you’re NOT an extra. Because when you’re an extra, this tends to happen (skip to 4.50):

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_K9kdV36S0U

    Sure, you certainly get to SEE lots of famous people when you’re an extra. But you generally don’t get the opportunities to have extensive conversations with them.

    Even if you’re in the same scene together, you can’t bother them. They’ve got to think about their lines and which marks they have to hit around the set. And you have to listen out for your cue to walk.

    Unless you’re directed to “converse and have a laugh with Al Pacino”, you’re not likely to exchange more than a “hello”, or at best a handshake and a quick photo. But I guess on Facebook, that’s all you need as evidence you met a celebrity… Speaking of which, did I mention I met Peter Combe?

    4. It’s easy.

    Most of the time it is. But it can also be extremely stressful.

    Picture this. You’re one of 10 extras in a scene with big name TV stars in front of a crew of about 30 people. There’s guys with smoke machines and bright lights. There’s boom microphones bobbing all around just above your head. Guys running around with steady-cams looking like some half-man half-recording-machine. And you have to somehow walk through all of this in a precise way, at a precise time, without disturbing the real actors, without tripping on cables, and without looking at the cameras.

    AND, you don’t want to be the extra who screws up the take. Because you know that you’re a nobody. And the only good thing an extra has going for them is their reliability. If word gets out you don’t perform 100% every time, BANG that’s it. You’re blacklisted and you’ll never work as an extra in this town again.

    Keep in mind also that quite often as an extra, you’re not always given all the information.

    You rarely get to see the script. You don’t know the names of most of the cast or crew. Sometimes you’re not even sure who the director is. And there have been occasions where I’ve been on a set and I don’t even know the name of the show I’m on!

    I’ve showed up for a job only to discover I was at the wrong place, and the unit base was about half a kilometre away.

    On that same shoot, I also discovered only when i arrived at the set, that the role would require some serious heavy lifting. No one told me that. No one asked if I was fit enough to carry a man on an antique stretcher. Even more surprisingly, there was no safety briefing! No one told me how to lift, or to do any stretches.

    Then just before we go for a take, the director tells me to turn around and lift the stretcher backwards! I was struck by a vision of me slipping on the slick marble floor and seeing this guy’s head crack open with cameras capturing the moment in stunning high definition.

    No one else seemed to realise the danger. Was I going to be the one who speaks up? (My girlfriend works for WorkSafe Victoria, you know)

    That’s too much pressure for $25 an hour.

    I actually refused to carry him backwards. I simply said “I’m sorry, but I can’t lift it like that.” We got through it in the end without killing anyone. But my hands, shoulders and legs were very sore for the rest of the week.

    Absolutely appalling for one of Australia’s major broadcasters.

    I did actually call the line producer the next day and told her my concerns. She said she’d look into it. I never heard back. I suspect I’ve probably been blacklisted.

    But who cares about all of that when…

    5. You get to be on TV!

    If you’re lucky.

    I’ve actually been very fortunate so far with being selected on the day, purely by chance, to be an extra who has his face pointed towards the camera (See “Winners and Losers” screen shot top of page).

    Of course I’ve had my fair share of being hidden in the background with my back to the camera as well:

    Here’s how Ricky Gervais portrayed it in Extras (watch the first minute):

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skmwwHS4iR8

    I can beat Ricky on this one though. Back when I was still living in Adelaide, I was an extra in an episode of Nine’s “McLeod’s Daughters”. The whole scene was cut.

    6. Well, it’s a good place to start.

    No. No it’s not.

    You will never ever be promoted to “star” from purely doing work as an extra. The best you can hope for is more extra work. And the occasional screen shot (see above).

    But no Hollywood director is going to watch the show, notice you miming in the background and say, “Wow, look at that out of focus guy pretending to drink a coffee! He’s perfect for the lead in my next picture!”

    Still, it is a bit of a laugh. And I’ll happily pretend to drink coffee out of focus in the background for $25 an hour again, if and when the time calls for it.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Extra special.

  • You thought Tiger Airways was incompetent…

    On one of my frequent trips to Coburg’s  fabulous Sydney Road (on a quest for some new tea towels) I dropped by one of those dirt cheap discount shops – you know, the ones over-stocked with Southeast Asian merchandise – when I came across this gem:

    Oooh… The “Aerobus”!

    But wait… That’s clearly an Airbus A380 inside. Even if you chalk the missing under-wing engine to creative license (The A380 has two engines on each wing), it’s clearly presented in A380 livery.

    But hang on… I’m confused?

    Why is it labeled as “Aerobus” if it’s an Airbus?

    And take a closer look at that silhouette. That doesn’t look like an Airbus. Maybe it’s one of these “Aerobuses” I’ve heard so much about?

    Or maybe it’s a silhouette of THIS plane, which is on the opposite corner of the box:

    Ah yes, the Boeing 787 Dreamliner. Of course. And this is related to the “Aerobus” how? Well, it’s a plane, I guess.

    Sure, it’s a different model of plane, and sure, it’s produced by a different manufacturer. But all planes are the same, right?

    According to “Aerobus”, these are some fine qualities you should look for in an aircraft:

    Frequent Flyer
    If they’re referring to the aircraft, I suppose this is a good thing. Yes, the “Aerobus” does frequently fly.

    Real Comfort
    Fantastic! I’m so over other airlines “unreal” comfort with their virtual seats and imaginary in-flight entertainment systems.

    Chief Efficient
    Well that’s lovely.

    Science Refreshed
    Why, who on Earth would want science that’s gone way past its use-by date? I’m sure the “Aerobus” corporation wouldn’t accept any aerospace engineering that had been out of the fridge for more than a couple of days.

    They’re really selling their plane on comfort:

    Am I to understand one can actually walk around, take a seat, relax, feel the “speace” AND enjoy the comfort?

    What is this, a PLANE FOR ANTS!?!

    It’s a toy! You can’t take a seat in it! For one, there are no seats in it! IT’S JUST A PLASTIC SHELL!

    The only comfort you’ll get from this model plane is if you’re one of those people who enjoys inserting things into yourself… Would that mean you qualify for the Mile High Club?

    This reminds me of that Simpsons episode where Mr Burns designs the “Spruce Moose”, a plane that can “fly 200 passengers from New York’s Idlewild Airport to the Belgian Congo in 17 minutes!”

    Mr Burns attempts to force Smithers at gunpoint into the plane, which is only a model, probably smaller than the “Aerobus” above.

    So in conclusion, people are idiots.

    Still, could be worse. It could say “Tiger Airways” on the side.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    No complaints about their selection of tea towels though.

  • 31 Questions iPilot 2.0

    Six thumbs up? Or a bunch of well-dressed criminals getting ready to surrender their fingerprints? You decide.

    Yes! The 31 Questions Re-pilot, Pilot Mach 2, or iPilot 2.0 if you will, was successfully recorded to tape on June 29, 2011.

    The evening at RMIT University’s fabulous Studio A went very well. The set looked great. Wonderful lighting. All the mics and cameras worked. The crew turned up (well, most of them). The gags worked (well, most of them). The questions were just the right level of difficulty (unlike last time – way too hard!). And most importantly, it was a fun night of TV-making.

    It’s community television, so it’s virtually impossible to avoid using the term “shambles” at some point. But we embraced our shortcomings and kept on with the show.

    That’s right folks! 31 Questions. The show that keeps the mistakes the other game shows cut out!

    The day before the rehearsal, which we had the previous Wednesday, our original score-keeper and glamorous assistant, Minky Cooper, decided to quit the show (via Facebook. A sad sign of the times…). So we had less than 24 hours to find a replacement.

    Incredibly I was able to find the lovely Melanie Valentine at extremely short notice to take over the role. And considering it was her first time inside a TV studio, she did very well.

    Alasdair “Al” Tremblay-Birchcall also gave a fabulous performance as the official moderator. That guy cracks me up.

    Special thanks also to our very talented, and forgiving, contestants: Julia and Andrew. They were both an absolute pleasure to work with.

    And a big thanks to the 16 or so strong crew. Without all you we’d just be making a silent film in the dark.

    But most importantly, THIS pilot went SO, SO, SO MUCH BETTER than our first pilot back in November. Instead of 4 pages of post-show improvement notes, this time I only had 6 key points. And they were all procedural or organisational issues, not to do with the fundamental concept of the show.

    The pilot is currently being edited by the talented Anthony McCormack. We’ll soon be handing it in to the good people at RMITV Student Television and Channel 31 Melbourne for their approval.

    And hopefully they’ll let us film 12 more!

    I’ll keep you updated.

    But if you’d like more immediate updates, or you want to check out more production photos, make sure you LIKE 31 QUESTIONS ON FACEBOOK. It’s all up there. And SUBSCRIBE ON YOUTUBE. All episodes (& some extra bonus material!), that’s where they’ll be.

    Kind regards
    David M. Green
    Mayor of TV-Land