David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

  • Warnie Calls a Brothel on The Magic Factory!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kt1-QaDuzww

    Ahoy!

    Above is the first of many Shane Warne soundboard prank calls coming soon to the Internet!

    Antonio Cafasso and I made them for our graveyard shift on SYN 90.7FM last Thursday, which we dubbed “The Magic Factory”.

    As I gradually make my way through the 7 consecutive hours of radio we broadcast to Melbourne and beyond, I’ll eventually assemble a “best-of” podcast for you. Such a podcast will be considerably shorter than 7 hours, I can assure you.

    Overall it was a fantastic experience. We both had a lot of fun. And we had listeners from as far away as Kansas City, Missouri tuning in! I’m looking at YOU Brad Westmar!

    The period from 11:30PM to 3:30AM was probably the best. After that we ran out of pre-recorded stuff, as well as things to talk about, and we just got freaking tired. From memory I think the last couple of hours got a little weird.

    But any who, check out the SYN 90.7FM Page on my website to listen back the sketches. There are a few up there already, and more are on the way.

    Personally, I think David M. Green’s Songs to Have Sex to is my favourite. I truly am a terrible singer.

    Many thanks to Antonio and everyone who listened and texted in. And thanks to Alan Jones and his bite-sized pieces of audio rage for hours of small hour amusement!

    We had a few callers too but the SYN studio phone doesn’t ring and the tiny little red light wasn’t always in our line of sight, so I apologise if we didn’t pick up everytime.

    This has certainly re-lit my spark for audio production. I think a return to the air waves on a more regular basis isn’t too far off.

    And look out for more Warnie prank calls. They’re coming!

    Subscribe to me on YouTube to be the first to know about them.

    Kind regards,
    Radio’s David M. Green
    Jesus, can we get someone in here?

  • Raw Comedy 2011… Eh…

    I guess I did cast a shadow at this afternoon’s Raw Comedy heat at Melbourne’s fabulous Northcote Social Club, but this literal shadow wasn’t what the judges were looking for.

    I was on first, which is always a tough spot. The audience wasn’t really warmed up. And no one was drunk yet. However, I’m not sure whether alcohol would have increased the crowd’s appreciation for my cerebral blend of humour.

    I am not a particularly good “stand-up” comedian.

    I think a lot of my gags would work better if written on a desk calendar…

    I don’t do jokes about where I’m from (who cares?). I don’t play to the room. I don’t swear in my routine. And David M. Green doesn’t go blue, unless it’s “clever”, and even then, I personally find using the scientific words for things funnier than their crude slang equivalents. This doesn’t seem to be a shared love.

    Maybe if I did the opposite of what I just stated above, I’d get more laughs. But, what would be the point?

    I have really high standards, both for my own material, and that of other comedians. So generally I find myself sitting quietly in the audience hearing other comedians play on some old gender/racial/locational stereotypes, thinking, “this has been done”.

    It’s quite heart-breaking. But of course, what do you expect? People are idiots, after all.

    So why do I keep doing this?

    Because comedy is networking. Because people don’t take you seriously as a comedian unless you do stand-up. To show people I can write and perform, fundamental skills that apply to other comedy formats, eg. television, radio, etc.

    And also, so stuff like this happens:

    Triple J’s Dave Callan came up to me after the show and took me up on my offer of free autographed headshots!

    I guess the day wasn’t a complete waste of time.

    So that’s it for me and Raw Comedy. You can only enter 3 times, which I have now done. Certainly my best appearance was last year, when for some reason, everything just worked:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WmdTp97X9oA

    But if you want to experience a more DMG-friendly comedy format, tune in to “The Magic Show” on SYN 90.7FM from 8pm, Thursday January 27. I’ll be radio-ing with Antonio Cafasso until 6am!  Ten hours of sketches, prank calls, guests, obscure ’80s new wave music and a few other surprises…

    Now you’re talkin’!

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Did someone say excessively over-produced IDs?

  • Melbourne Motorist

    I am once again behind the wheel!

    After a year in Melbourne relying solely on Melbourne’s ample rail and light rail to travel predominantly to and from the city, I’ve caved in to my old Adelaide ways and purchased my third Toyota Corolla. This one a 2000 Toyota Corolla Ascent.

    Bring on adventures in suburbia!

    Buying a car is no easy task. I wanted to get it done as quickly as possible, so I found a car I liked, called the owner, gave it a test drive and agreed to pay him the advertised price of $7999.

    In hindsight this was possibly a little hasty, as it turns out the maximum I can insure this car for is $6100… Although it did come with custom wheels and a few months of registration (and had only done 67,000km in 10 years). I just hope to God nothing happens to it in the next year, so I can get my money’s worth.

    Let’s get something straight. Cars are horrible investments.

    They cost a fortune to purchase. They cost a fortune to run. And they only go down in value.

    However, they do buy time and convenience. And that’s tricky to put a price on.

    Of course, this has already been one expensive exercise…

    In addition to the cost of the car, comprehensive insurance for 6 months was $524.70 and registration transfer and stamp duty cost another $352.90. Jesus. And the previous owner generously left me no petrol. Is it too much to ask for a quarter of a tank?

    And I’ve already discovered first hand the insanely frustrating bureaucratic machine that is VicRoads…

    I had to go into the Carlton office THREE times before I was able to give them the registration transfer papers and pay the stamp duty. Firstly I went in, with all the correct paperwork (properly filled in, I might add…), and they wouldn’t accept my South Australian driver’s licence as a legitimate form of ID. Not Victorian enough. I needed something with my current address on it.

    So I returned later that day, but the line was too long, and after waiting in the appointment line, so I could make an appointment to come back and wait in line later, I realised I would be late for what turned out to be a fruitless job interview, unless I left immediately.

    The next day I once again trudged into VicRoads, and this time I cleared my whole day, which I suggest you do too if you ever need to go in there.

    Handed over my forms. Forked over $352.90 for no obvious reason. Then the lady there asks me when I want to schedule another appointment to change my South Australian licence over to a Victorian one.

    “Well… do I have to? I’ve still got five years left on my SA licence?”

    She replies, “By law if you have a car registered in Victoria you have to have a Victorian driver’s licence. You have 3 months to change it over.”

    It was an odd feeling at that moment. I actually felt a small wave of sadness sweep over me.

    I would have to give up the last trace of my South Australian identity. Literally, I would have to forfeit the licence that I’d carried in my wallet since 2006:

    I’m not ashamed of where I come from. I do of course prefer my life here in Melbourne to Adelaide. This is more than that. This is about who I am.

    I’m already enrolled to vote in Victoria. I have a Victorian student card and a Victorian transport concession card. But this was the last proof that I had that I was an outsider.

    DO YOU REALISE WHAT THIS MEANS!?!

    David M. Green is now a Victorian. The number plate proves it. And If I ever drive back to SA, I will be treated as such: a “Bloody Victorian”.

    Well, I guess it’s but a small price to pay for the convenience of car ownership.

    It’s increased the range of jobs for which I can apply. It’s meant I’ve been able to spontaneously visit friends in hard-to-reach suburbs like Kew and Mt Waverly. And I’ve already given a friend a lift to the airport. And that’s quite a gesture in Melbourne.

    $8876.60 well spent.

    However… I do really need a job now… Anyone?

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Who’s gonna drive ya home… tonight?

  • December in Adelaide Part 2 (Too Easy)

    I’ve just returned to Melbourne once again from a week in sunny Adelaide. And after a mandatory Christmas lunch, it was on with filming more of everyone’s favourite buddy-Australian Internet sitcom (by default), Too Easy!

    We’re calling it “Season 2” as, due to unforeseen circumstances, we had to change the location of Adrian and Toby’s house. We figured this was a logical time for a change of season.

    Filming began at 10am on December 26 at the actual home of Tim Wray in the southern Adelaide suburb of Lower Mitcham.

    We wrote into the story line that their old house burnt down, which would explain why they are not only in a different house, but why their new house contains entirely different possessions. Pretty clever, huh? That’s what we in this business call “writing your way out”.

    The first episode of this next lot of Too Easy is entitled “More Cleaner”, and guest stars Radio & Television’s Sam Mac as the “Foreign Cleaner”.

    Sam had previously collaborated with myself and Alex Williamson a year ago, almost to the day, when we filmed the once off Musical Chairs Sketch.

    Once again, Sam was a pleasure to work with and we all had a blast acting out these scenes and ad-libbing some spontaneous hilariousness. Special thanks to him for spending 2 hours of his Boxing Day away from his family and actual friends to reinforce racial stereotypes on our show.

    Special thanks also to Tim Wray for letting us use his house. Tim reprises his role of Malcolm Powder, the landlord’s son, a role to which he’s certainly bringing a unique personal influence…

    And in place of financial reimbursement, please except my sincere apologies for taking unfair advantage of your generous offer of free Dr Pepper.

    As a gag, when Tim was out of the house (saving lives as a nurse), we drank a whole six pack of his Dr Pepper (which isn’t widely available in Australia), then carefully inserted the empty cans back into the plastic rings and put them back in the fridge!

    Sunday was actually quite a long day. I’ve just seen the rough cut of “More Cleaner” and at seven and a half minutes, it’s our longest episode to date. However, it is VERY funny. Great performances all around. And great camera work by Nicholas Godfrey.

    The only downside was smelling like spoilt milk for most of the day after a stunt in the name of comedy…

    The next two days were slightly more leisurely days of filming. We filmed episodes #10 and #11, “Phone Sex” and “Swapsies” (respectfully).

    We were a bit short handed with Nick departing for Melbourne himself, so Adam Navarro stepped up to the plate, by which I mean the camera, and Gerard Kotlowy came along for the ride.

    And holding that camera is no easy exercise. I filmed the odd scene here and there and my arm was shaking after just a few minutes! To quote my own advice from earlier this year: respect the camera guys!

    Joining us on camera for these episodes was Maddie Otto and Adelaide Comedy’s James McCann. Both very talented and again, pleasures to work with.

    I was personally thrilled to be wearing Toby’s “coffee date” costume, which can clearly be seen in the below photographs, or “stillies” as we’ve been calling them. I felt like dancing David Byrne-style to “Once in a Lifetime”…

    These episodes coming soon to YouTube… And I can’t wait!

    If you haven’t already, subscribe to the Too Easy YouTube Account.

    Too Easy is unique in the sense that to my knowledge, no one else in Australia is really making a sitcom webseries. There are a few dramas here and there, and plenty of stuff on community television, but nothing like Too Easy as far as I can see. Feel free to prove me wrong…

    And now to resume my search for a job.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Bow ties get the chicks, you know.

  • Tom’s employed. Now David M. Green wants a job!

    The image you see above is a photo of my bed, lined with 22 rejection letters, the majority of which I’ve received in the last 2 years.

    And don’t worry, I’m aware of the irony of so many examples of rejection placed at a location where I’m usually quite successful at getting jobs…

    This is of course not an accurate reflection of how many jobs I’ve applied for.

    The ABC recently changed their policy of sending rejection notices via mail, and now conduct their rejections via email, putting them in line with most of society.

    Well, I say “most” but then again, commercial radio and TV stations rarely get back to me at all. It was a very rare occasion the other week when I received two letters from commercial radio station jobs I’d recently applied for.

    Not only that, but they both had signatures written with an actual pen, not some xeroxed mass produced rejection template… So a genuine thank you to K-Rock Geelong and ZooFM Dubbo for taking the time to personally respond.

    Once in a blue moon will I actually receive a phone call. Those are usually reserved for occasions where I’ve actually made it to an interview.

    So here’s the situation folks…

    I’ve finished my graduate diploma in journalism (with distinction!) from RMIT University. I would like to stay in, or at least close to Melbourne, because there is a high probability that I’ll be hosting a TV game show on Channel 31 in early 2011. And I just can’t miss this opportunity.

    But in the mean time, I have a strange craving to WORK. I would like a job, preferably in the field of media. Radio or TV ideally. Wouldn’t say no to a job in print at this point. Doesn’t have to be journalism related. I may or may not have mentioned on this website that I’m also a comedian… And a producer for that matter.

    Any assistance would be greatly appreciated.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green

    PS. Probably my favourite rejection letter in the above photo is the one I got in 2008 from RMIT University, rejecting my application for the journalism degree I’ve just completed (with distinction).