David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

  • Where’s my 1986 Toyota Corolla Seca?

    No, no, it wasn’t stolen… although it was broken into a few times… I sold my 1986 Toyota Corolla Seca in late 2006. It popped back into my mind recently, however.

    The other day I was out and about on an errand and I saw an early ’90s gold Volvo station wagon parked on the side of the street. My Mum used to have one just like it. She got it in 1994 and had it until she got a Honda Odyssey in 1999. Just as I was driving past I glanced at the number plate and slammed on the brakes when I noticed it read “VGM861.” Good God! That’s ACTUALLY my Mum’s old car! I pulled over so I could get out and take a closer look. A little rusted and scratched here and there but essentially how it looked when I last saw it 10 years ago. I wonder how many owners it’s had since then? Had a lot of good times in that car, driving (or being driven, rather) to family Christmases and Easters and birthday parties. It was one of those Volvos with 7 seats. 5 regularly placed ones, as you’d expect, but then 2 in the boxy back part that folded up and actually faced backwards. I remember one time when I was about 7 my then friend Elliott Jenkins and myself were sitting in the back making rude hand gestures at the drivers of trailing cars. Most of them seemed amused. One humourless woman actually followed us home just so she could inform my Mum what we were doing… Jesus, can you believe that?

    So naturally I’ve been on the look out for MY old car. Every now and then I see one, but on closer inspection there have always been subtle differences that indicate it’s a fraud; a different front grill, automatic transmission, no dents where I remember them (no new owner would have bothered to FIX them, don’t be ridiculous). I had some good times in that car…

    I got it in 2003. I didn’t learn on it, because I found learning on a manual too much to begin with, but after I mastered the basics I took it on and drove solo as soon as I got my P-plates. There are two main things I recall about my first solo drive. 1. I turned on the radio and listened to “Bad” by Michael Jackson, and 2. I had an erection. Good times… I loved that car… purely as a friend, of course. I had a Grand Theft Auto Vice City sticker on the rear window that I swiped from GameTraders Micham when I was working there. I also had 5 or 6 little bird silhouettes stuck on a side window, as if my car was a Lancaster bomber, one bird for each bird I killed with the car. All accidentally of course. I’m not a monster. I still remember most of the things that were wrong with it, that you kind of just get used to. The windscreen wipers had a short circuit and would go bananas if you had them on the low setting, so it was either all the way or not at all. Plus the air conditioner switched was busted, so, although it worked, would only work on the number 2 fan setting, and with much jiggling, occasionally number 3.

    I even made a sketch about it, appropriately titled “The 1986 Toyota Corolla Seca.” Although I basically ripped off “Back to the Future” and “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.” It came 3rd place in the 2005 Marion Council’s “Square Eyes” Short Film Competition, earning me a $40 Bunnings gift voucher. As I had no need for any of their fine hardware products, I sold the vouchers to my Dad (for $35… cheap bastard… na, he’s okay). Check it out… the sketch, not the vouchers…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tp68CEAWKss&feature=player_profilepage

    A little crappy by my current sketch-craft standards… but still entertaining, to me at least… Well Seca, you’re out there somewhere… assuming you haven’t been crushed into a cube and sold for scrap. Maybe one day I’ll see you again. It really was a great car. A pleasure to drive. I really noticed some things when I upgraded to my current 2001 Toyota Corolla Seca. The old one had a lot more foot room next to the clutch (which I badly miss) and the hollow steering wheel made the dashboard much more visible (granted my new car comes with an air-bag, so I guess that’s a fair trade off). And the accelerator was much less sensitive in the ’86 car. You could suddenly flatten it to the floor and everything was still smooth. Do that in the ’01 model and it’s like you’re riding a mechanical bull. It certainly sold me on manual transmission too. I wouldn’t drive anything else now. The added advantage of manual is you can push-start it if you have a flat battery. I had to do that once at Marion Shopping Centre when I accidentally left my lights on. That was a lot of fun! Good thing my good friend Ted was there to push. It was quite a sight; an Englishman pushing me around a crowded parking lot with me shouting “come on!” as the car struggled to turn over…

    The 1986 Toyota Corolla Seca. Sure, it had been broken into and egged on numerous occasions and I had to fill it up with almost as much oil as I did petrol by the end of my tenure with it… but what an automobile. I absolutely loved it.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Anybody seen it?

  • Comedy for the Working Man

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kLYToFDTkI&feature=player_profilepage

    Hey Hey!

    I did a spot of stand-up again last night. Thought I’d talk about my job at the cinema a little this time, so I did… I hope it doesn’t lead to my firing, like the last time I did workplace-related humour… Triple J’s Dave Callan did a great job hosting the evening. I actually thought I was on 3rd, but someone didn’t show up so I was surprised when my name was announced. Smiddy didn’t have the camera ready, as it was still in my bag, so the first 15 seconds or so wasn’t recorded (but those opening jokes fell flat anyway!). It was a very casual, laid-back evening of entertainment. Please enjoy.

    Oh yes, while I’m here, I watched John Safran’s Race Relations on ABC TV this week. Hilarious! By far the best Australian show I’ve seen all year. Wasn’t impressed much with the show on before it “Hungry Beast” (which I actually auditioned for under the show’s previous title of “Project Next”). It seemed like a bunch of journalism students trying to be the next “Chaser,” but very wooden and bland and not particularly funny. And I’m not just saying that because I was looked over for a hosting gig… stupid stuffed shirts wouldn’t let me on their crappy show for jerks… Na, they’re okay.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Several projects in the pipeline

  • Playing by your own rules

    Avast ye matie… oh wait, sorry that was last week… hello,

    I’m sure by now many of you would have heard of the recent David Letterman scandal. If not, read all about it here. Basically, some guy tried to blackmail him for $2 million. Apparently Letterman has had a few flings with some female co-workers over the years, which he admitted to on his show last night. The blackmailer has since been arrested. From what I’ve read on “The Internet” it seems most people are appalled at the blackmailer (and rightly so) but don’t seem to mind about Letterman’s affairs. To quote this article: “Reaction from Letterman fans appeared to back the popular chat show host. Kelli Lageschulte, 20, from Iowa said: ‘I wonder if he told jokes while they were having sex. He is, after all, very funny. Anyway, everybody’s doing it,’ she told The New York Daily News.”

    You do have to admit, Letterman set a good example by how he handled the situation, ie. go straight to the police and then come clean. But the guy still cheated on his girlfriend. Hey, it’s none of my business. Each to their own, of course. But personally, I’m just very disturbed by “being unfaithful.” I remember hearing some statistic a few years ago, that close to 70% of both men and women have admitted to cheating on their partner at one time or another. 70%!

    “Everybody’s doing it, so that makes it okay?” This is what troubles me. In the context of cheating, this is a bad mindset. It’s not like downloading music. People actually get hurt and it’s just not right, in my opinion anyway. I’ve never done it and I don’t think I could ever do it. If you are unsatisfied in a relationship, have the decency to end that relationship before you start another one. I’m sure there are some grey areas and there’ll be people who will argue sometimes it’s okay, eg. open relationships, separated, it’s “just sex,” etc. To them I say, you don’t need to argue with anyone else. You’ll know if you’ve done the wrong thing. That’s between you and your significant other(s). Just remember that no matter who you are, whether you’re some nobody or you’re the host of the biggest talk show on TV, you can’t just do whatever (and whoever) you want and not have to face the consequences of breaking the rules.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    And of course, blackmailing a much loved celebrity is pretty stupid too.

  • Insane about Mad Men (the show. I’m straight.)

    Hello!

    David M. Green. Long time no blog. My apologies, for I have been applying to jobs and universities, filling in forms and submitting things to various places (more will be revealed if and when there’s anything to reveal), so I haven’t been much in the mood to construct a shiny new blog entry. Although, I have had a number of ideas for blogs that I didn’t get around to writing about…

    Channel Ten’s new stock footage show “The Spearman Experiment” for example, the show where “the public” counts down the top 15 of something. Episode One, that went to air September 8th, was counting down the top 15 “Aussie Comedy Characters.” First of all, it’s a crime that none of Shaun Micallef’s characters appeared in the list. At the very least I would have expected “Milo” to make it (although I prefer “David McGahn” and his fictional fictional character of “Roger Explosion”). Second, of the 15 characters, 7 of them were from Channel Ten shows. I reckon Channel Ten should scrap the whole disguise and just make a show called “The Channel Ten Show” or maybe “The Channel Ten Project” or “The Channel Ten Attempt” where they just list reasons why Channel Ten is the best. In fact, why even make it a show? That’s all they should play. You switch on Channel Ten any time day or night and it’s just the station logo with Rove McManus’s voice in a Yoko Ono-esque loop saying “Channel Ten… Channel Ten… Channel Ten…” because after all, they’re just fantastic, aren’t they? Ahh… that’s good satire.

    But to more important things now. Mad Men. Have you heard of it? It’s been on my list of shows to watch for a while now. I’d heard it’s critically acclaimed. So I finally got around to watching it this week. I’d found myself a little burnt out from comedy shows and I needed a nice period drama to get into. Cue Mad Men. It’s a brilliant show. Set in early 1960s New York, it centres on the lives of advertising executives working at a fictional ad firm. I love the show’s visual appearance. And I think they’ve done an excellent job of replicating a ’60s office. Firstly, I don’t think there’s a single scene that doesn’t have the whole lot of them smoking, drinking or being incredibly sexist to the secretaries. I don’t smoke (because I’m not an idiot) and I’m not much of a drinker but watching Mad Men I find myself craving a scotch and a pipe, and skipping off down to the janitor’s closet with Christina Hendricks. And I’d love to go back to New York. What a place… I was there for a mere 4 days back in 2005. I’d really like to just live there. Some day hopefully… sit tight Christina…

    So anyway, if you like a good period drama, don’t waste your time with anything else. Go watch Mad Men. I highly recommend it.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Star of the new Mad Men spin-off about radio advertising: Radioactive Men. Na, not really. I’m okay.

  • God-like Status Achieved at TraxxRADIO

    Yo blog-fans!

    To my utter surprise (and partial disgust) Brisbane-based Internet radio station TraxxRADIO actually wants to re-broadcast the somewhat funny (at times) AM-style talk-back parody show we did back in summer… On The Yacht.

    As soon as Program Director Ruby Tuesday declared his interest, I immediately triple checked we were talking about the same show. In fact we were. It’s not that I think On The Yacht wasn’t funny. Quite the opposite. At its best it’s hilarious. But I think we did such a good parody at times that you could be listening for several minutes before you worked out it’s not a real talk show, and even then you still can’t be sure. For TraxxRADIO’s unwavering dedication (not to be confused with their desperation for programming), I sent them an autographed David M. Green head shot, which they promptly framed and hung on the studio wall. My judgemental expression and sensible hair-cut forever gazing down at and distracting whoever’s on air. Obviously I use the term “head shot” in the G-rated sense. Although the sensible hair-cut extends to all areas of David M. Green.

    So once again join Radio’s Adam, Norman Vine, Dr Kevin Goodall and Tim Wray (in the news room) as they potter on about all things irrelevant Wednesdays and Fridays 7am and 7pm AEST (GMT+10) online at TraxxRADIO.

    On The Yacht: Not commercial. Professional.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Oh ho ho ho yessssss…