David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

  • Wake(field) in Fright

    But unlike the 1971 motion picture “Wake in Fright” starring Australia’s own Chips Rafferty, Tim and I did not slaughter kangaroos, nor did we drink ourselves to death while gambling our savings away on game after game of “2-up.” Instead, we had lunch in historic Port Wakefield, a mere 10km from the Australian Army’s “Proof and Experimental Establishment” where the recent weapons testing created a lovely cloud of fumes for the enjoyment of passers by:

    Hello, I’m David M. Green.

    My good friend, Voice-Over’s Tim Wray, is currently completing his nursing placement in Port Pirie, 224km north of Adelaide. We both had a free day, so just for the hell of it, we met half way and had lunch in Port Wakefield, dining in a roadside delicatessen called “Pope’s Cafe” (not the actual Pope’s cafe, or Pope) and injecting approximately $23 into the local economy. I think the map above speaks for itself (not literally).

    Included in our itinerary of activities included completing the crossword puzzle in the complementary trucking newspaper and correcting the appalling grammar on display on a local community notice board. And now… YOU CAN PLAY TOO! Can YOU spot the 16 grammatical errors below?

    How’d you go? Answers:

    Port Wakefield: A land unknown to punctuation. Na, it’s okay. Good day.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    It’s “Real” Australia. Everything else is just balsa.

  • Hilarious Spam!

    Hey Hey Hey!

    We all hate spam. Well, I assume we all do. I certainly do. But hey, maybe you love it. But if you’re like me, which I assume you are, although I’ve been known to be wrong, and hence I’m no better than you… annoying… right, the spam. My website receives about 20 spam blog comments a day. Most of them are a jumble of links and random characters, sometimes not even able to be displayed, and hence it’s just a string of those little rectangles. But some of them are just completely random comments that have no connection at all to anything I mentioned in any blog, ever. For your enjoyment, here are some of my favourite random spam comments:

    On Blog Entry – Ed Fella!?! Oh hang on… Michael Jackson!?!

    Submitted on 2009/09/27 at 9:14pm by yapapanyatt
    WOW! Good thing you kept your wits enough to fight off the bugger. Glad you’re ok. The worse thing to happen to me on that street was when I encountered a pack of dogs late one night. I kept a safe distance behind them until I got home. Take care.

    Submitted on 2009/10/01 at 6:34am by BlopayGlypelp
    Hey! Genealogical humor! Thanks, Internet!

    Submitted on 2009/10/31 at 11:49am by homemastergoga
    hiii ravin….do a favour for us….plz put a pic of ur love khushi on ur website or orkut…we all wanna see her…..plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……
    davidmgreen.com – go to my favorites!!!

    Submitted on 2009/11/02 at 7:11am by BlopayGlypelp
    I’m in love with you, my Adonis.

    On Blog Entry – Insane about Mad Men (the show. I’m straight.)

    Submitted on 2009/09/29 at 12:44am by yourbig.ru
    If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

    Submitted on 2009/09/30 at 8:00pm by ownbig.ru
    I think what they did to you was unfair and poor customer service

    On Blog Entry – Stand-up Trip to Lol-Ville. Population: Hilarity.

    Submitted on 2009/10/22 at 8:32pm by noemijed
    I have a joke for you =) Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage? Ta da dump, ta da dump, ta da dump Dump DUMP!!!

    Submitted on 2009/10/27 at 1:06am by carolzun
    I have a joke for you =) Did you hear about the bandit that held up a Chinese restaurant? Half an hour later he was broke.

    Submitted on 2009/10/29 at 2:08am by mireillelig
    I have read a good joke in internet What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.

    Submitted on 2009/10/05 at 9:03pm by vickyhuv
    Easy to get ed cheap priaprism at the famouse cheap online site. No prescription required a – buy vigra pill online..

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Hehehe… priapism…

  • Where’s my 1986 Toyota Corolla Seca?

    No, no, it wasn’t stolen… although it was broken into a few times… I sold my 1986 Toyota Corolla Seca in late 2006. It popped back into my mind recently, however.

    The other day I was out and about on an errand and I saw an early ’90s gold Volvo station wagon parked on the side of the street. My Mum used to have one just like it. She got it in 1994 and had it until she got a Honda Odyssey in 1999. Just as I was driving past I glanced at the number plate and slammed on the brakes when I noticed it read “VGM861.” Good God! That’s ACTUALLY my Mum’s old car! I pulled over so I could get out and take a closer look. A little rusted and scratched here and there but essentially how it looked when I last saw it 10 years ago. I wonder how many owners it’s had since then? Had a lot of good times in that car, driving (or being driven, rather) to family Christmases and Easters and birthday parties. It was one of those Volvos with 7 seats. 5 regularly placed ones, as you’d expect, but then 2 in the boxy back part that folded up and actually faced backwards. I remember one time when I was about 7 my then friend Elliott Jenkins and myself were sitting in the back making rude hand gestures at the drivers of trailing cars. Most of them seemed amused. One humourless woman actually followed us home just so she could inform my Mum what we were doing… Jesus, can you believe that?

    So naturally I’ve been on the look out for MY old car. Every now and then I see one, but on closer inspection there have always been subtle differences that indicate it’s a fraud; a different front grill, automatic transmission, no dents where I remember them (no new owner would have bothered to FIX them, don’t be ridiculous). I had some good times in that car…

    I got it in 2003. I didn’t learn on it, because I found learning on a manual too much to begin with, but after I mastered the basics I took it on and drove solo as soon as I got my P-plates. There are two main things I recall about my first solo drive. 1. I turned on the radio and listened to “Bad” by Michael Jackson, and 2. I had an erection. Good times… I loved that car… purely as a friend, of course. I had a Grand Theft Auto Vice City sticker on the rear window that I swiped from GameTraders Micham when I was working there. I also had 5 or 6 little bird silhouettes stuck on a side window, as if my car was a Lancaster bomber, one bird for each bird I killed with the car. All accidentally of course. I’m not a monster. I still remember most of the things that were wrong with it, that you kind of just get used to. The windscreen wipers had a short circuit and would go bananas if you had them on the low setting, so it was either all the way or not at all. Plus the air conditioner switched was busted, so, although it worked, would only work on the number 2 fan setting, and with much jiggling, occasionally number 3.

    I even made a sketch about it, appropriately titled “The 1986 Toyota Corolla Seca.” Although I basically ripped off “Back to the Future” and “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.” It came 3rd place in the 2005 Marion Council’s “Square Eyes” Short Film Competition, earning me a $40 Bunnings gift voucher. As I had no need for any of their fine hardware products, I sold the vouchers to my Dad (for $35… cheap bastard… na, he’s okay). Check it out… the sketch, not the vouchers…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tp68CEAWKss&feature=player_profilepage

    A little crappy by my current sketch-craft standards… but still entertaining, to me at least… Well Seca, you’re out there somewhere… assuming you haven’t been crushed into a cube and sold for scrap. Maybe one day I’ll see you again. It really was a great car. A pleasure to drive. I really noticed some things when I upgraded to my current 2001 Toyota Corolla Seca. The old one had a lot more foot room next to the clutch (which I badly miss) and the hollow steering wheel made the dashboard much more visible (granted my new car comes with an air-bag, so I guess that’s a fair trade off). And the accelerator was much less sensitive in the ’86 car. You could suddenly flatten it to the floor and everything was still smooth. Do that in the ’01 model and it’s like you’re riding a mechanical bull. It certainly sold me on manual transmission too. I wouldn’t drive anything else now. The added advantage of manual is you can push-start it if you have a flat battery. I had to do that once at Marion Shopping Centre when I accidentally left my lights on. That was a lot of fun! Good thing my good friend Ted was there to push. It was quite a sight; an Englishman pushing me around a crowded parking lot with me shouting “come on!” as the car struggled to turn over…

    The 1986 Toyota Corolla Seca. Sure, it had been broken into and egged on numerous occasions and I had to fill it up with almost as much oil as I did petrol by the end of my tenure with it… but what an automobile. I absolutely loved it.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Anybody seen it?

  • Comedy for the Working Man

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kLYToFDTkI&feature=player_profilepage

    Hey Hey!

    I did a spot of stand-up again last night. Thought I’d talk about my job at the cinema a little this time, so I did… I hope it doesn’t lead to my firing, like the last time I did workplace-related humour… Triple J’s Dave Callan did a great job hosting the evening. I actually thought I was on 3rd, but someone didn’t show up so I was surprised when my name was announced. Smiddy didn’t have the camera ready, as it was still in my bag, so the first 15 seconds or so wasn’t recorded (but those opening jokes fell flat anyway!). It was a very casual, laid-back evening of entertainment. Please enjoy.

    Oh yes, while I’m here, I watched John Safran’s Race Relations on ABC TV this week. Hilarious! By far the best Australian show I’ve seen all year. Wasn’t impressed much with the show on before it “Hungry Beast” (which I actually auditioned for under the show’s previous title of “Project Next”). It seemed like a bunch of journalism students trying to be the next “Chaser,” but very wooden and bland and not particularly funny. And I’m not just saying that because I was looked over for a hosting gig… stupid stuffed shirts wouldn’t let me on their crappy show for jerks… Na, they’re okay.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Several projects in the pipeline

  • Playing by your own rules

    Avast ye matie… oh wait, sorry that was last week… hello,

    I’m sure by now many of you would have heard of the recent David Letterman scandal. If not, read all about it here. Basically, some guy tried to blackmail him for $2 million. Apparently Letterman has had a few flings with some female co-workers over the years, which he admitted to on his show last night. The blackmailer has since been arrested. From what I’ve read on “The Internet” it seems most people are appalled at the blackmailer (and rightly so) but don’t seem to mind about Letterman’s affairs. To quote this article: “Reaction from Letterman fans appeared to back the popular chat show host. Kelli Lageschulte, 20, from Iowa said: ‘I wonder if he told jokes while they were having sex. He is, after all, very funny. Anyway, everybody’s doing it,’ she told The New York Daily News.”

    You do have to admit, Letterman set a good example by how he handled the situation, ie. go straight to the police and then come clean. But the guy still cheated on his girlfriend. Hey, it’s none of my business. Each to their own, of course. But personally, I’m just very disturbed by “being unfaithful.” I remember hearing some statistic a few years ago, that close to 70% of both men and women have admitted to cheating on their partner at one time or another. 70%!

    “Everybody’s doing it, so that makes it okay?” This is what troubles me. In the context of cheating, this is a bad mindset. It’s not like downloading music. People actually get hurt and it’s just not right, in my opinion anyway. I’ve never done it and I don’t think I could ever do it. If you are unsatisfied in a relationship, have the decency to end that relationship before you start another one. I’m sure there are some grey areas and there’ll be people who will argue sometimes it’s okay, eg. open relationships, separated, it’s “just sex,” etc. To them I say, you don’t need to argue with anyone else. You’ll know if you’ve done the wrong thing. That’s between you and your significant other(s). Just remember that no matter who you are, whether you’re some nobody or you’re the host of the biggest talk show on TV, you can’t just do whatever (and whoever) you want and not have to face the consequences of breaking the rules.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    And of course, blackmailing a much loved celebrity is pretty stupid too.