David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Tag: 2009

  • 2009 Logies Review from a Non-viewer

    Hello,

    The 51st Annual TV Week Logie Awards: Australian television’s “night of nights.” I didn’t watch it. I was working. But if I wasn’t working, I may have had it on in the background… maybe… as I heard Shaun Micallef was presenting an award, and I tend to go out of my way to watch, listen or read anything with his name on it… I really haven’t been following it (the Logie thing) at all, eg. the nominees, the voting. I didn’t even know who hosted it until today (Gretel Killeen?!? Jesus… but more on that in a moment). I barely watch any free-to-air TV, not to mention any Australian shows. Even if I wanted to mention some, I’d have trouble, seeing as though I don’t watch any. Nor do I attend water cooler conversations. I’m usually oblivious to what’s “hot” on commercial TV. If anything important happens I usually discover it on the Internet before it appears on TV anyway… BUT… why am I bothering to contribute to the already numerous blog entries and articles out there pointing out how terrible the Logies were? Especially seeing as though I didn’t even watch it? Why? I’ll tell you why… It’s because I myself want to know “why?” Why does TV keep doing this? What do the decision-makers expect when they get Gretel Killeen to host it?!?

    I did watch Gretel’s intro on YouTube. Okay, so I didn’t quite “not watch” the whole thing. I lied slightly… But if that’s how the Logies started, I’m guessing that’s how the rest of it went: Weak material, phoney presenting and lame jokes from a host no one liked. And Gretel Killeen, as far as I can recall, hasn’t done anything on TV since the 2007 season of Big Brother. Why bring her back now? Just… why? Now… I’m not one for slandering people on the Internet, but JESUS H. CHRIST WHO COULD HAVE POSSIBLY THOUGHT THAT GRETEL KILLEEEN WOULD BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN APPALLING!?!?! Is the person who rubber-stamped that one TRYING to get fired? Who out there thought: “Hey, Gretel Killeen is hosting? Thank God, the Logies have been saved!”

    I of course also watched the short clip of Shaun Micallef presenting the award for best miniseries or telemovie. Hilarious. Shaun is fantastic. He’s properly funny, and it’s still my opinion that the BEST Logies were back in 2001 when Shaun himself was the host. He says it’s a tough room. I’m sure he’s right. But I myself am a tough room, not in the literal sense of course. But I can completely relate to being in an audience watching someone who’s not funny. When I’m in that situation, I generally don’t laugh. I would never expect someone to laugh unless something that was said or done was actually funny. It’s a pretty simple equation. Funny host = entertainment. Gretel Killeen isn’t funny. But brace yourself, because here’s something really bizarre… 

    Now, I don’t usually link to videos on my blog that aren’t my own, but I’ll break with tradition here because I’ve noticed something very interesting I’d like to draw to everyone’s attention. Here’s Gretel’s intro clip I saw. Have a look at this… (If it’s been taken down, try searching for “Gretel’s 2009 Logies intro” on YouTube or something)

    [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qj-G1dMpJ7k[/youtube]

    Okay. Did you notice Gretel was “shot” there and she fell over? Pretty funny right? Not particularly. And when you think about it… she kinda exploded… That’s really quite horrible. Not to mention confusing. I don’t even really know what she was going for… If anyone can explain it to me, please go ahead.

    But now for the bizarre thing I promised. Something about Gretel falling over and pretending to be dead at the Logies reminded me of something… Something from a long time ago. 8 years ago to be precise. I have a scrap book at home with various newspaper clippings, and I found this one from The Adelaide Advertiser circa March 2001, printed the week before Shaun Micallef was to host the Logies:

    If the font’s too small (and fair comment), click on the article and you’ll be taken to a larger version. High Definition Newspapers: The future is now. But anyway, the relevant part of the article I wish to draw your attention to is basically the first two paragraphs, which read:

    “COMEDIAN Shaun Micallef wanted to try something different to start the annual Logie award presentation this year. ‘I wanted to walk out on stage and begin my introduction spiel and then, about a minute into my dialogue, collapse on to the ground,’ Micallef recalls.
    ‘I thought it would be great if the network could ‘temporarily’ stop broadcast, go to a test pattern or something and then come back to me with a bandage or whatever around my head and have me continue the show.’
    Needless to say the producers disagreed.”

    Now hang on… wait a minute here… Shaun Micallef thought about falling over during his intro and the producers said NO? He goes on to say that if he really demanded to do it, the producers probably would have caved in and let him. So he COULD have done it, but he chose not to (His intro did contain several other physical gags, but none that involved falling over). Then 8 years later… Gretel Killeen’s hosting, and she decides it would be a good idea to collapse on stage. I wonder what the producers thought of this? Did they try to discourage her? Maybe they suggested it? Would it REALLY have been inappropriate for Shaun Micallef to do that joke back in 2001? Comedy was simpler back then, after all… It probably would have been funnier back then too, I imagine. But if you compare Shaun’s 2001 Logies intro to Gretel’s 2009 appall-a-tron, there’s simply no contest. Gretel didn’t say anything remotely funny, interesting or memorably. The only thing she did do was die on stage, and then pretend to die on stage (zing!). But isn’t that bizarre? I don’t quite know what to make of this… I mean, it’s hardly an original idea. Orson Wells did it in 1938. But still one wonders…

    Of course, there have been 7 other Logie ceremonies in between 2001 and 2009. In 2002 it was hosted by Wendy Harmer. I boycotted that one, and from most accounts she was comparable to Gretel. In 2003 and 2004 it was Eddie McGuire. Satisfactory, but it was like a sandwich with no filling. Sure, it had the two pieces of bread, but lacking in tasty content. From 2004 to 2007 the squabbling networks couldn’t agree on any single host so they each threw in a representative and “shared” the role. Then last year there was NO HOST. What a joke. For God’s sake, just PICK SOMEONE GOOD! Get Bert Newton while he’s still alive! He’s still got it, after all. Or develop some new talent. Hey, I reckon I could do a pretty good job… Some day maybe…

    On a final note, I also watched the “2009 Logies – In Memoriam” clip. I’ve never stopped thinking about the death of Richard Marsland. I found this footage very bizarre as well, as it was only in July last year that I was having lunch with him, having no less than an in-depth discussion about how bad the 2008 Logies were… No kidding (about the conversation. But also, the Logies were awful) I think I even remember talking about how there’s always a couple of deceased people who receive a bigger applause during the memorial. Can you believe that? You know, it is actually pretty disrepectful to all the other lesser-known TV people who’ve died, but I guess we can’t help showing our appreciation to certain individuals we really like.

    And good on Bill Collins for being accepted into the Logies Hall of Fame. I like him too and he certainly deserves it.

    So in conclusion… In my opinion, the Logies were mostly crap, but when you look at Australian television, indeed, it’s mostly crap. So what do you expect? Some may say my review has been somewhat biased, but hey, like I said… I didn’t even really watch it!

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    If you enjoyed the Logies, please write to me and tell me why. I’m interested.

  • Tales from The Palace

    Hi film fans,

    This past week I’ve worked 36 hours. That’s full time… in France… But the spike in hours isn’t due to a request on behalf of my drug habit, nor is it due to a mad scientist with a time machine, treading on the spacetime continuum, for this week was the 2009 Adelaide Film Festival, and thus there was more demand for my ticket-selling skills at the Palace Nova Cinema.

    The Adelaide Film Festival truly is the “who’s who” of the Adelaide Film Festival industry. The things I saw. The things I heard. The things I smelt… Are just 60% of my past week’s experiences, as sampled by my sensory input. By far the highlights of the week were seeing host of “At The Movies” on SBS, TV’s David Stratton (I recognise that beard anywhere). I also couldn’t seem to get away from the familiar wheezings of Bob Ellis, who looks like he’s about to die (just an observation). When I first saw him, I knew he was a somebody, but I couldn’t pick him. Then I had a flashback to season 1 or 2 of the SBS comedy show “Pizza” (you know, when it was still kinda good) and I remembered Bob Ellis had a cameo, playing the Premier of New South Wales. The glory days of Bob Ellis are long gone.

    Meanwhile, at the candy bar, I served Stephan Elliot (director of “Priscilla, Queen of the Desert”), TV’s Quentin, Triple J’s Sam Simmons and some guy who I remember thinking would look a lot like Hugo Weaving if he lost the beard, and who I later discovered was actually Hugo Weaving.

    I also learned a valuable lesson regarding throwing out drinks that still contain significant amounts of liquid: Pour the liquid out first, before you throw the cup in the garbage. This will help to avoid spilling several litres of coke right in front of Michael Atkinson, South Australian Attorney General. Hmm… I wonder if he’ll censor this…

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Didn’t get a chance to see any of the movies myself though…

  • Wildcard draws David M. Green to Raw Comedy Semi-Finals, four.

    Gentlemen, and to a lesser extent, ladies (not being sexist, just a reflection of my website visitor statistics),

    Well, I wasn’t funny enough to be a winner on night #3 of the SA Raw Comedy stand-up contestations, but that hasn’t stopped me from receiving remedial assistance from Raw’s coveted “wildcard programme.” So this means I’ll be doing stand-up again. This time at Adelaide’s “PJ O’Brien’s” on East Tce (an establishment I have never had a reason to go to before), on Tuesday March 10th at 9pm.

    So once again, if you wish to see me perform stand-up live (only for the 4th time ever), feel free to buy a ticket through the Adelaide Fringe Festival office, or at the door on the night. But if you can find a way to sneak in for free, what the hell do I care? I’m not getting paid anything for this, so go nuts. Go there the night before with a friend and drink each other under the table. Then just stay there for 20 hours disguised as a sticky patch of floor, and you’re laughing! Literally… hopefully anyway… Either that or you’ll develop Korsakoff’s syndrome…

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Ironically, most stand-up comedians are a joke

  • Yeah, it’s a Big Week

    Welcome reader!

    Sit down, please; it’s the only way to read a blog. Seriously, who reads stuff on the Internet standing up?

    Wow, what a week it’s been! I’ve been very busy lately, so apologises for my lack of blog entries. I have some announcements I can now officially make. I now have 2 new jobs. A couple of weeks ago I started working at the Brighton Pizza Haven as a delivery driver, which is something I’d always kinda thought about doing, if for nothing else than to follow in the footsteps of Phillip J. Fry. I’ve gotta say, aside from the incredibly low pay (<$10 per hour!) it’s actually pretty fun. If it’s busy, I spend most of the time driving around the south western suburbs of Adelaide with my ’80s New Wave mix cassette tapes blasting from my Toyota Corolla’s factory speakers. Unlike a lot of jobs I’ve had, it’s actually quite relaxing. I actually look forward to going to work. Although, if I could just make a small suggestion to you if you ever order your pizza delivered… tip the pizza guy! Seriously, if I drive all the way to the outer fringes of the franchise district to receive the exact amount on the receipt in a pile of 20 cent pieces, it’s a real bummer. But hey, I know this is Australia and tipping isn’t really part of our culture… But man… or woman, I suppose… if you give the pizza guy an extra $1, speaking from my own personal experience, it’ll put that fast food courier in such a good mood, he or she will be smiling the whole drive back to the shop, and maybe… JUST maybe… no one will get hurt… They haven’t given me a uniform yet so I’ve been delivering pizzas wearing my Hawaiian shirt circa 1999. Rumour has it the Brighton Pizza Haven will be transformed into an “Eagle Boys” pizza shop within the week, so I’ll upload a photo for your amusement and ridicule if and when I get proper pizza-attire…

    As for the second job I mentioned… I just found out today I’ve got a job at the Palace Nova cinema! This is awesome! I’ve always wanted to work at a cinema. I think I’ve submitted about 10 resumes to Greater Union Marion and Wallis Glenelg, which sadly is closing very soon. Jemima and I are going to see Gone With The Wind on their final day of screening, this Sunday. But hey, Palace Nova! Alright! And thank you Lisa Pellegrino for moving to Darwin and leaving a job vacancy at said cinema, hehehe…

    But those 2 jobs are of course the 2 success stories. In the last few months I’ve applied to approximately 25-30 different places; places as diverse as radio stations, government departments, retail outlets, traineeships and even a “why the hell not” application for an advertised vacancy in the adult publication industry. Some of these places I’m still waiting to hear back from; others have generously contributed to my ever-growing “wall of rejection letters.” It’s a load-bearing wall now. I like looking at it. It reminds me of how hard I’m working.

    But as for other things, yes I’m still making my appearances on community radio. You can hear the satirical talk-parody comedy show known as “On The Yacht,” that I am a part of, Thursday nights midnight to 1am on Radio Adelaide 101.5FM. Or just click here to listen back to the best stuff… If you listen to nothing else, listen to the fake news breaks. Number 6 and 7 are, in my opinion, outstanding. I’m also still making my regular 8AM-ish Tuesday morning appearances on the Fresh 92.7FM breakfast show, with a new tailor-made audio-based sketch each week for the young ravers of Adelaide, who have proper jobs to get to in the morning. Check those out here.

    And speaking of comedy, which on any given day I probably am, I entered into the Raw Comedy stand-up contest thing. I made my appearance in Heat #3 at Adelaide’s The Rhino Room on Thursday. Alas I was not one of the winners on the night. That honour went to Chris Knight, a very funny guy (as seen on YouTube), and Dave Campbell was the second winner. I was also highly entertained by the first act of the evening, a guy named Aaron Nobes, who I would describe as a 16-year-old Tony Martin. He even looked and sounded just like him! And I thought his intellectual style was funnier than the reaction given by the audience. But enough about everyone else, let me talk about me. I think I did pretty well. There was laughter where I wanted it. I’m certainly satisfied with my performance. I’ve said many times of course, I’m more of a sketch comedian than a stand-up, but I don’t think I could have lived with myself if I didn’t have a go at Raw. I did video my set… well, I didn’t actually do it. I got someone else to do it; Voice-Over’s Tim Wray, in fact. So as soon as I receive confirmation that I have not been miraculously awarded a wildcard entry into the state semi-finals and I don’t have to perform the same act again, I shall upload the footage for permanent storage on this, the Internet. But for all those who just can’t wait, you’ve probably already noticed the still image just below, which was the silliest-looking frame I could find from the footage…

    Hehe, look at those eye brows… So until slightly further into the future, to quote Jerry Springer, “some 9 years ago, I spent time with a woman I shouldn’t have… and I paid her with a cheque. I wish I hadn’t done that and the truth is, I wish no one would ever know” … oh wait… I mean, take care of yourselves… and each other.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Combining the arts of pizza and cinema