David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Tag: Adelaide

  • Tales from The Palace

    Hi film fans,

    This past week I’ve worked 36 hours. That’s full time… in France… But the spike in hours isn’t due to a request on behalf of my drug habit, nor is it due to a mad scientist with a time machine, treading on the spacetime continuum, for this week was the 2009 Adelaide Film Festival, and thus there was more demand for my ticket-selling skills at the Palace Nova Cinema.

    The Adelaide Film Festival truly is the “who’s who” of the Adelaide Film Festival industry. The things I saw. The things I heard. The things I smelt… Are just 60% of my past week’s experiences, as sampled by my sensory input. By far the highlights of the week were seeing host of “At The Movies” on SBS, TV’s David Stratton (I recognise that beard anywhere). I also couldn’t seem to get away from the familiar wheezings of Bob Ellis, who looks like he’s about to die (just an observation). When I first saw him, I knew he was a somebody, but I couldn’t pick him. Then I had a flashback to season 1 or 2 of the SBS comedy show “Pizza” (you know, when it was still kinda good) and I remembered Bob Ellis had a cameo, playing the Premier of New South Wales. The glory days of Bob Ellis are long gone.

    Meanwhile, at the candy bar, I served Stephan Elliot (director of “Priscilla, Queen of the Desert”), TV’s Quentin, Triple J’s Sam Simmons and some guy who I remember thinking would look a lot like Hugo Weaving if he lost the beard, and who I later discovered was actually Hugo Weaving.

    I also learned a valuable lesson regarding throwing out drinks that still contain significant amounts of liquid: Pour the liquid out first, before you throw the cup in the garbage. This will help to avoid spilling several litres of coke right in front of Michael Atkinson, South Australian Attorney General. Hmm… I wonder if he’ll censor this…

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Didn’t get a chance to see any of the movies myself though…

  • Wildcard draws David M. Green to Raw Comedy Semi-Finals, four.

    Gentlemen, and to a lesser extent, ladies (not being sexist, just a reflection of my website visitor statistics),

    Well, I wasn’t funny enough to be a winner on night #3 of the SA Raw Comedy stand-up contestations, but that hasn’t stopped me from receiving remedial assistance from Raw’s coveted “wildcard programme.” So this means I’ll be doing stand-up again. This time at Adelaide’s “PJ O’Brien’s” on East Tce (an establishment I have never had a reason to go to before), on Tuesday March 10th at 9pm.

    So once again, if you wish to see me perform stand-up live (only for the 4th time ever), feel free to buy a ticket through the Adelaide Fringe Festival office, or at the door on the night. But if you can find a way to sneak in for free, what the hell do I care? I’m not getting paid anything for this, so go nuts. Go there the night before with a friend and drink each other under the table. Then just stay there for 20 hours disguised as a sticky patch of floor, and you’re laughing! Literally… hopefully anyway… Either that or you’ll develop Korsakoff’s syndrome…

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Ironically, most stand-up comedians are a joke

  • On The Yacht Final Voyage Tonight!

    Hey blog-trotters,

    In approximately 3 hours we’ll begin the FINAL episode of our grossly unpopular satirical comedy/talk-back radio parody show “On The Yacht.” Tune in for one last time on Radio Adelaide 101.5FM at midnight Adelaide time to hear Adam, Norman Vine, Dr Kevin Goodall and Tim Wray (in the news room). But if you can’t make it, please don’t fret… I’ll post links to all the podcasts soon.

    On The Yacht has been described by a random listener as: “Funny. At Times.” I think that comment sums up the show nicely.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    AKA Norman Vine

  • Howard Jones synth-pops into Adelaide

    Well, as no one else I knew had even heard of Howard Jones, let alone wanted to pay $70 to see him, last night I went to see Howard Jones by myself, thus proving my undying dedication to ’80s New Wave music! Conclusion: awesome. Rolling Stone Magazine didn’t name him 1986 keyboard player of the year for nothing, and by george he’s still got it. I didn’t know if he was going to hit the high notes in “Like to Get to Know You Well” and “Look Mamma” because I’d seen some recent live footage of Peter Gabriel and he’d been forced to sing “Big Time” a little more conservatively, but Howard Jones is still living the dream…

    I never thought I’d see the day when a crowd of Australians would be chanting “Howard! Howard! Howard!” again. Even funnier, Howard Jones’s full name is “John Howard Jones!” I suppose “John Jones” is a bit plain for an ’80s pop star. Advertised online was “Howard Jones plus special guests (TBA).” The special guests turned out to be Howard Jones. I’d never seen a musician open for himself before, but Howard Jones watches out for Howard Jones. He wasn’t going to leave Howard Jones hanging. So he casually walked out on stage and played some solo songs on a keyboard. It was about as acoustic as Howard Jones gets, even though it was still an electronic keyboard, but hey, I didn’t want to make a big deal of it. Then after half an hour, he went backstage, put on a tie and came out for the electro set. Outstanding!

    It’s interesting, I’d put him in the same category as Phil Collins, The Pet Shop Boys and Tears for Fears and he’s had just about as many hits as them too, but for some reason Howard Jones just isn’t as famous. But that’s fine with me, because I got to see him in a really intimate setting, with maybe around 200 other people. It was like a secret show just for us. For the record, he started the electro set with “Conditioning” (which I hadn’t actually heard before, but it’s fantastic live. I just hope the version I’m downloading now is as good!) and of course he also played his other well-knowns “Things Can Only Get Better,” “Everlasting Love,” “Life in One Day” and “No One is to Blame.” I’m sorry I can’t remember the rest. I actually only heard a couple of his albums, but the great thing about loving ’80s music is I can discover songs I’ve never heard before, and to me, it’s like it’s a brand new song (although that won’t last forever, hehe). I’ve got a couple of actual 12-inch records, including the appropriately named “The 12-Inch Album,” but I plan to build my Howard Jones collection.

    A slight side track… I’m not much of a drinker. In fact, let’s be unambiguous. I don’t drink alcohol. Never really cared for it. But anyway, that’s beside my point. I bought a glass of diet coke from The Gov. I took my wallet out, expecting it to be maybe in the range of $2.50 to $3, which although is by no means cheap, is the amount I expect to get ripped off when I purchase a beverage from a public house. $3.70! Outrageous. And no free-refill or anything. That was it. And it wasn’t even a large glass. I would estimate maybe 120mL. 150 tops. To give you a sense of scale, here’s said over-priced drink next to my antiquated Nokia 1600:

    Ridiculous… And inevitably, the concert came to a close with Howard Jones finishing the evening with “New Song,” which is, ironically, also his oldest song. Excellent synthesiser solo. Definately worth $70.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Yes. Howard Jones.

  • Yeah, it’s a Big Week

    Welcome reader!

    Sit down, please; it’s the only way to read a blog. Seriously, who reads stuff on the Internet standing up?

    Wow, what a week it’s been! I’ve been very busy lately, so apologises for my lack of blog entries. I have some announcements I can now officially make. I now have 2 new jobs. A couple of weeks ago I started working at the Brighton Pizza Haven as a delivery driver, which is something I’d always kinda thought about doing, if for nothing else than to follow in the footsteps of Phillip J. Fry. I’ve gotta say, aside from the incredibly low pay (<$10 per hour!) it’s actually pretty fun. If it’s busy, I spend most of the time driving around the south western suburbs of Adelaide with my ’80s New Wave mix cassette tapes blasting from my Toyota Corolla’s factory speakers. Unlike a lot of jobs I’ve had, it’s actually quite relaxing. I actually look forward to going to work. Although, if I could just make a small suggestion to you if you ever order your pizza delivered… tip the pizza guy! Seriously, if I drive all the way to the outer fringes of the franchise district to receive the exact amount on the receipt in a pile of 20 cent pieces, it’s a real bummer. But hey, I know this is Australia and tipping isn’t really part of our culture… But man… or woman, I suppose… if you give the pizza guy an extra $1, speaking from my own personal experience, it’ll put that fast food courier in such a good mood, he or she will be smiling the whole drive back to the shop, and maybe… JUST maybe… no one will get hurt… They haven’t given me a uniform yet so I’ve been delivering pizzas wearing my Hawaiian shirt circa 1999. Rumour has it the Brighton Pizza Haven will be transformed into an “Eagle Boys” pizza shop within the week, so I’ll upload a photo for your amusement and ridicule if and when I get proper pizza-attire…

    As for the second job I mentioned… I just found out today I’ve got a job at the Palace Nova cinema! This is awesome! I’ve always wanted to work at a cinema. I think I’ve submitted about 10 resumes to Greater Union Marion and Wallis Glenelg, which sadly is closing very soon. Jemima and I are going to see Gone With The Wind on their final day of screening, this Sunday. But hey, Palace Nova! Alright! And thank you Lisa Pellegrino for moving to Darwin and leaving a job vacancy at said cinema, hehehe…

    But those 2 jobs are of course the 2 success stories. In the last few months I’ve applied to approximately 25-30 different places; places as diverse as radio stations, government departments, retail outlets, traineeships and even a “why the hell not” application for an advertised vacancy in the adult publication industry. Some of these places I’m still waiting to hear back from; others have generously contributed to my ever-growing “wall of rejection letters.” It’s a load-bearing wall now. I like looking at it. It reminds me of how hard I’m working.

    But as for other things, yes I’m still making my appearances on community radio. You can hear the satirical talk-parody comedy show known as “On The Yacht,” that I am a part of, Thursday nights midnight to 1am on Radio Adelaide 101.5FM. Or just click here to listen back to the best stuff… If you listen to nothing else, listen to the fake news breaks. Number 6 and 7 are, in my opinion, outstanding. I’m also still making my regular 8AM-ish Tuesday morning appearances on the Fresh 92.7FM breakfast show, with a new tailor-made audio-based sketch each week for the young ravers of Adelaide, who have proper jobs to get to in the morning. Check those out here.

    And speaking of comedy, which on any given day I probably am, I entered into the Raw Comedy stand-up contest thing. I made my appearance in Heat #3 at Adelaide’s The Rhino Room on Thursday. Alas I was not one of the winners on the night. That honour went to Chris Knight, a very funny guy (as seen on YouTube), and Dave Campbell was the second winner. I was also highly entertained by the first act of the evening, a guy named Aaron Nobes, who I would describe as a 16-year-old Tony Martin. He even looked and sounded just like him! And I thought his intellectual style was funnier than the reaction given by the audience. But enough about everyone else, let me talk about me. I think I did pretty well. There was laughter where I wanted it. I’m certainly satisfied with my performance. I’ve said many times of course, I’m more of a sketch comedian than a stand-up, but I don’t think I could have lived with myself if I didn’t have a go at Raw. I did video my set… well, I didn’t actually do it. I got someone else to do it; Voice-Over’s Tim Wray, in fact. So as soon as I receive confirmation that I have not been miraculously awarded a wildcard entry into the state semi-finals and I don’t have to perform the same act again, I shall upload the footage for permanent storage on this, the Internet. But for all those who just can’t wait, you’ve probably already noticed the still image just below, which was the silliest-looking frame I could find from the footage…

    Hehe, look at those eye brows… So until slightly further into the future, to quote Jerry Springer, “some 9 years ago, I spent time with a woman I shouldn’t have… and I paid her with a cheque. I wish I hadn’t done that and the truth is, I wish no one would ever know” … oh wait… I mean, take care of yourselves… and each other.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Combining the arts of pizza and cinema