David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Tag: bad

  • More bad grammar

    It’s been a while since my successful grammatical stand against the Commonwealth Bank, so if you’re in need of a reminder, check out BEFORE and AFTER David’s M. Green’s red correction pen.

    In the mean time I’ve accumulated a few more examples of bad grammar and general incompetence, so back by popular demand… it’s David M. Green: Grammar Nazi!

    What’s worse than finding human faeces in your hotel swimming pool?

    Well… actually, I’d probably prefer the bad grammar:

    Don’t worry. Darryl will sort you out.

    Went to see a movie at the Hoyts cinema at Melbourne’s fabulous Northland Shopping Centre the other day. Ain’t that just humanity at its worst?

    They’re not the kind of folk that take too kindly to outsiders, NEITHER their food NOR drink:

    And here’s an amusing Facebook slip-up from my good friend Rebecca McKinney. No explanation required:

    Jesus, what kind of stitch pattern is she using? She might have to give Darryl a call…

    Grammatical mistakes happen to the best of us. Stuff on Facebook is pretty forgivable, but once it’s printed and turned into signage – especially when it’s big business – grammar fans, let the mockery begin!

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    David M. Green: Grammar Nazi will return in “The Spellcheck Is Not Enough”.

  • Oh My God, The System Works!

    Following on from my previous post: Unbelievable. Within 48 hours of me pointing out the appalling grammar on the Commonwealth Bank’s exterior signage, the poor grammar mysteriously disappears! COINCIDENCE!?! I think not. My astonishment can clearly be seen in the above photograph.

    I imagine the suits at the Commonwealth Bank are quite irritated at my little English lesson. But hey, it’s their freaking sign. It was on public display in Rundle Mall for at least 6 weeks! My website has only had 150 or so views in the last 2 days. Think of how many people saw the sign directly, noticed the bad grammar and then associated idiocy with the Commonwealth Bank? Thousands… They should be more irritated by their own incompetence. Ha-ha, na they’re okay.

    So, in this case, the Internet (and its nit-picky bloggers) actually helped to draw attention to, and FIX the problem. How about that? Finally, a practical use for the Internet.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Smart Arse

  • Which Bank? The one with the Appalling Grammar.

    Call me a Grammar Nazi. Call me a regular Nazi. Call me David M. Green. Although on the regular Nazi quip, you couldn’t be more wrong. You’d be better off calling me a communist. But anyway, I’m deviating from the big issue: Proper English, DAMMIT!

    Several weeks ago I was walking down Adelaide’s fabulous Rundle Mall (pause for applause from locals), and I happened to wander past the Commonwealth Bank located on the corner of Pulteney Street, and I noticed one of those fancy automated teller machines I’ve read so much about. Next to this ATM was a sign, as shown above, indicating that there “is” an additional two “ATM’s” located around the corner, for my convenience of course.

    Now I, being a proud proponent of the English language, immediately noticed the multiple examples of poor grammar, which I will now deconstruct piece by piece… Firstly, the use of the word “is” is incorrect. It should be “are” as there are multiple ATMs. Secondly, “ATM’s” does not require an apostrophe, as in this context, the ATM does not own anything, nor are any letters left out, assuming you don’t count the missing letters from Automated Teller Machine, from which the abbreviation ATM is derived. I’m willing to let the lack of a full stop go, but regardless, who ever wrote this was clearly an idiot, and even more frighteningly, an idiot who works with people’s money!

    Now, this was several weeks ago. At the time I was lunching with my good friend Gerard Kotlowy, and he actually had to go into the bank for some reason. I followed him and considered alerting the humanoid teller to the error. However, that particular week I had been working a lot at the cinema and I was sick to death of people complaining to me about ridiculous trivial things (eg. the cinema is too cold, there’s water in the bathroom, the door squeaks too much, why are you still serving popcorn at this cinema when I have written to head office to complain that it should be banned? etc.). So I thought, hey, I’ll give this guy a break. He doesn’t want some jerk, who doesn’t even bank with them (although I used to, back in the ’90s, but that’s a different story); giving him an English lecture on, let’s face it, an insignificant matter and a waste of everyone’s time. So I did nothing, assuming that someone else would surely bring it up. Not the case.

    Literally, this was back in April, and the sign is still there! So I thought it was high time I took a photo of it and ridiculed the organisation, in detail and in blog form. This is the 21st Century after all. I don’t like it any more than you do, but this is how things are done now…

    So, in conclusion, my message to the Commonwealth Bank: Hey CB, if you’re increasing your interest rates by 10 basis points, the least you can do is buy a dictionary and throw it at who ever wrote that sign. Also, fix the sign. And the guy who wrote it too, I guess. After all, you just threw a dictionary at him. Or her. Not sexist.

    I’m David M. Green.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Improper English is something with which up, I shall not put.

  • 2009 Logies Review from a Non-viewer

    Hello,

    The 51st Annual TV Week Logie Awards: Australian television’s “night of nights.” I didn’t watch it. I was working. But if I wasn’t working, I may have had it on in the background… maybe… as I heard Shaun Micallef was presenting an award, and I tend to go out of my way to watch, listen or read anything with his name on it… I really haven’t been following it (the Logie thing) at all, eg. the nominees, the voting. I didn’t even know who hosted it until today (Gretel Killeen?!? Jesus… but more on that in a moment). I barely watch any free-to-air TV, not to mention any Australian shows. Even if I wanted to mention some, I’d have trouble, seeing as though I don’t watch any. Nor do I attend water cooler conversations. I’m usually oblivious to what’s “hot” on commercial TV. If anything important happens I usually discover it on the Internet before it appears on TV anyway… BUT… why am I bothering to contribute to the already numerous blog entries and articles out there pointing out how terrible the Logies were? Especially seeing as though I didn’t even watch it? Why? I’ll tell you why… It’s because I myself want to know “why?” Why does TV keep doing this? What do the decision-makers expect when they get Gretel Killeen to host it?!?

    I did watch Gretel’s intro on YouTube. Okay, so I didn’t quite “not watch” the whole thing. I lied slightly… But if that’s how the Logies started, I’m guessing that’s how the rest of it went: Weak material, phoney presenting and lame jokes from a host no one liked. And Gretel Killeen, as far as I can recall, hasn’t done anything on TV since the 2007 season of Big Brother. Why bring her back now? Just… why? Now… I’m not one for slandering people on the Internet, but JESUS H. CHRIST WHO COULD HAVE POSSIBLY THOUGHT THAT GRETEL KILLEEEN WOULD BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN APPALLING!?!?! Is the person who rubber-stamped that one TRYING to get fired? Who out there thought: “Hey, Gretel Killeen is hosting? Thank God, the Logies have been saved!”

    I of course also watched the short clip of Shaun Micallef presenting the award for best miniseries or telemovie. Hilarious. Shaun is fantastic. He’s properly funny, and it’s still my opinion that the BEST Logies were back in 2001 when Shaun himself was the host. He says it’s a tough room. I’m sure he’s right. But I myself am a tough room, not in the literal sense of course. But I can completely relate to being in an audience watching someone who’s not funny. When I’m in that situation, I generally don’t laugh. I would never expect someone to laugh unless something that was said or done was actually funny. It’s a pretty simple equation. Funny host = entertainment. Gretel Killeen isn’t funny. But brace yourself, because here’s something really bizarre… 

    Now, I don’t usually link to videos on my blog that aren’t my own, but I’ll break with tradition here because I’ve noticed something very interesting I’d like to draw to everyone’s attention. Here’s Gretel’s intro clip I saw. Have a look at this… (If it’s been taken down, try searching for “Gretel’s 2009 Logies intro” on YouTube or something)

    [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qj-G1dMpJ7k[/youtube]

    Okay. Did you notice Gretel was “shot” there and she fell over? Pretty funny right? Not particularly. And when you think about it… she kinda exploded… That’s really quite horrible. Not to mention confusing. I don’t even really know what she was going for… If anyone can explain it to me, please go ahead.

    But now for the bizarre thing I promised. Something about Gretel falling over and pretending to be dead at the Logies reminded me of something… Something from a long time ago. 8 years ago to be precise. I have a scrap book at home with various newspaper clippings, and I found this one from The Adelaide Advertiser circa March 2001, printed the week before Shaun Micallef was to host the Logies:

    If the font’s too small (and fair comment), click on the article and you’ll be taken to a larger version. High Definition Newspapers: The future is now. But anyway, the relevant part of the article I wish to draw your attention to is basically the first two paragraphs, which read:

    “COMEDIAN Shaun Micallef wanted to try something different to start the annual Logie award presentation this year. ‘I wanted to walk out on stage and begin my introduction spiel and then, about a minute into my dialogue, collapse on to the ground,’ Micallef recalls.
    ‘I thought it would be great if the network could ‘temporarily’ stop broadcast, go to a test pattern or something and then come back to me with a bandage or whatever around my head and have me continue the show.’
    Needless to say the producers disagreed.”

    Now hang on… wait a minute here… Shaun Micallef thought about falling over during his intro and the producers said NO? He goes on to say that if he really demanded to do it, the producers probably would have caved in and let him. So he COULD have done it, but he chose not to (His intro did contain several other physical gags, but none that involved falling over). Then 8 years later… Gretel Killeen’s hosting, and she decides it would be a good idea to collapse on stage. I wonder what the producers thought of this? Did they try to discourage her? Maybe they suggested it? Would it REALLY have been inappropriate for Shaun Micallef to do that joke back in 2001? Comedy was simpler back then, after all… It probably would have been funnier back then too, I imagine. But if you compare Shaun’s 2001 Logies intro to Gretel’s 2009 appall-a-tron, there’s simply no contest. Gretel didn’t say anything remotely funny, interesting or memorably. The only thing she did do was die on stage, and then pretend to die on stage (zing!). But isn’t that bizarre? I don’t quite know what to make of this… I mean, it’s hardly an original idea. Orson Wells did it in 1938. But still one wonders…

    Of course, there have been 7 other Logie ceremonies in between 2001 and 2009. In 2002 it was hosted by Wendy Harmer. I boycotted that one, and from most accounts she was comparable to Gretel. In 2003 and 2004 it was Eddie McGuire. Satisfactory, but it was like a sandwich with no filling. Sure, it had the two pieces of bread, but lacking in tasty content. From 2004 to 2007 the squabbling networks couldn’t agree on any single host so they each threw in a representative and “shared” the role. Then last year there was NO HOST. What a joke. For God’s sake, just PICK SOMEONE GOOD! Get Bert Newton while he’s still alive! He’s still got it, after all. Or develop some new talent. Hey, I reckon I could do a pretty good job… Some day maybe…

    On a final note, I also watched the “2009 Logies – In Memoriam” clip. I’ve never stopped thinking about the death of Richard Marsland. I found this footage very bizarre as well, as it was only in July last year that I was having lunch with him, having no less than an in-depth discussion about how bad the 2008 Logies were… No kidding (about the conversation. But also, the Logies were awful) I think I even remember talking about how there’s always a couple of deceased people who receive a bigger applause during the memorial. Can you believe that? You know, it is actually pretty disrepectful to all the other lesser-known TV people who’ve died, but I guess we can’t help showing our appreciation to certain individuals we really like.

    And good on Bill Collins for being accepted into the Logies Hall of Fame. I like him too and he certainly deserves it.

    So in conclusion… In my opinion, the Logies were mostly crap, but when you look at Australian television, indeed, it’s mostly crap. So what do you expect? Some may say my review has been somewhat biased, but hey, like I said… I didn’t even really watch it!

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    If you enjoyed the Logies, please write to me and tell me why. I’m interested.