David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Tag: comedy

  • 31 Questions Ep #11: The Eleventh Episode.

    That’s right!

    It’s fabulous Episode #11 of the TV game show that makes all the other TV game shows look like TV game shows… 31 Questions! Featuring a very special appearance from 31 Questions writer Gerard Kotlowy (although, he was a little flat).

    Ep #11 also features the gag round “Grammar Nazi” where contestants have to correct the grammar on poorly written signage. Are YOU a Grammar Nazi? Or were you just following orders…

    I reckon this episode is my favourite so far.

    As our final episode is fast approaching, as a special thank you to all our fans and supporters, we’re going to put EVERY FAN’S NAME ON TV!

    “But how will you know who the fans are, fools at 31 Questions?”

    Good question. Have ten points. Now, the best method of sourcing our fans’ names we can think of is just taking them from our FACEBOOK FAN PAGE. So head on over there and if you click “like” before 28 August 2012, you’ll get to see your name on TV in Ep #13, which airs on Channel 31 Melbourne & Geelong on 1 September!

    Now of course, the unfortunate bi-product of this venture, “stunt” if you will, is a rapid increase in Facebook fans. And well… we’re just going to have to accept that.

    In other news, for the first time ever you’ll be able to watch us in TWO STATES this evening!

    Regular viewers in Melbourne and Geelong can catch Ep #12 tonight at 10PM on Channel 31.

    Meanwhile, 3000km away in Western Australia, Perth fans can get their first taste of 31 Questions Ep #1 on West TV (Digital 44) at 11.30PM local time.

    If you’re in the great state of South Australia, 31 Questions starts on 44 Adelaide Tuesday 28 August with Ep #1 airing at 10.30PM local time. And listen out for me on some Adelaide radio stations next week plugging the show (follow 31 Questions on Twitter for reminders).

    Sydney & Brisbane, sit tight. I’ll get back to you as soon as I know the time slots and start dates.

    And we just got word this week that Triangle Television in Auckland has approved 31 Questions too! Of course, had New Zealand joined the Federation in 1901 with the rest of the colonies, this would be far less impressive and international. More info on dates and times soon.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    I’m working my butt off here!

  • My, that’s a nice profile

    Here’s a poem I wrote about online dating. Chicks dig poetry, right?

    “My, that’s a nice profile”
    By David M. Green

    I wonder why
    She wants a guy
    To treat her like a princess?

    I staked out her home.
    I tapped her phone.
    I chased her through a tunnel…
    But nevertheless,
    She did not accept my contact request.

    She has a plan
    To find a man
    Who knows exactly what he wants.

    But I know what I want
    I conveyed it via font
    “I’d love to meet up sometime.”
    From the debutante,
    Only a response that was nonchalant.

    It must be a ploy
    To befriend a boy
    With photos so revealing.

    She looks like a chick
    Who goes to bed quick
    “Oh I’m not that kind of girl”
    I get the feeling,
    She finds me not the least bit appealing.

    Her profile’s been viewed
    By many a dude
    I’m in with the latest batch.

    She likes to par-tee.
    She enjoys a DVD.
    Who doesn’t enjoy those things?
    With such a high match,
    How can she think I’m not a great catch?

    Now this one gal
    From my locale
    Claims to have an open mind.

    Now, she’s not into sleaze.
    And no Indians please.
    Must have job and must have beard.
    I suspect I’ll find…
    That my witty request has been declined.

    With constant ignoring
    Online dating’s boring.
    Eyes hurt from the black and white.

    No wonder men feel inept.
    When no lady will accept.
    I should just delete this thing…
    Oh my God! A bite!
    And how are you on this Saturday night? 🙂

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    See you online. Oh wait, we’re already there.

  • 31 Questions Ep #10: Beautiful People’s Edition!

    MMMMMmmmmYYYYYEEEEESSSSS!

    It’s the 10th episode of 31 Questions for your YouTube viewing pleasure. This one features a cameo appearance from host of Deal or No Deal Australia, TV’s Andrew O’Keefe.

    And thanks to the marvelous editing of Anthony McCormack, you’ll hardly even notice the terrible audio issues we had while shooting that sketch, and which we didn’t notice until we got to the editing room.

    Let this be a free lesson for the aspiring television-maker: It’s not enough to just monitor the audio levels on the camera’s little viewing screen. You have to actually be listening with HEADPHONES. Otherwise you won’t pick up weird clicky noises caused be faulty XLR cables and be forced to dub scenes with audio from different takes.

    But hey, that’s the fun of TV…

    Thanks again to AO’K for being such a good sport and allowing us to blow him up for the entertainment of others.

    We’ve had quite a bit of feedback from viewers recently, which is FANTASTIC!

    Here’s a fine post about us from Bother’s Bar on the other side of the planet, where he describes me as “Tim Vine-esque”. I’ll certainly take that!

    Fun fact: During my 2010 interview with Tim Vine, we jointly came up with the “Typo Magazine’s Man of the Ear” gag, which I later used in Ep #6 of 31 Questions.

    That’s one of my favourite lines. I originally came up with “Typo Magazine’s Man of the Beer”. But Tim Vine suggested “Ear”. A superior punchline. Or punch “word”, really. In my opinion, it should be a contender for “World’s most perfect joke”. Just six words long, but it’s all it needs to be.

    Of course regardless of its comic perfection, when I delivered that line in Ep #6 the joke bombed.

    Makes ME laugh…

    We also had a YouTube comment on Ep #10 from a guy called “jedimerchants”. It’s quite bizarre. This video response pretty much sums it up:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkEDlQNoiaY

    Thank you once again beautiful contestants!

    Ep #11 arrives on your television screen (assuming you live in Melbourne or Geelong AND don’t live in an apartment building that automatically blocks out Channel 31… found that one out the hard way last weekend…) tomorrow (Saturday) evening 10PM on Digital 44.

    See you then (from the TV).

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    I’m not crazy.

  • 31 Questions Ep #09: Toilet flushes galore!

    MMMmmmmyyyeeeeeessss!

    This week it’s Fran vs. Rob on everyone’s favourite no-budget TV game show… 31 QUESTIONS!

    The gag round for episode #9 continues the tradition of Australian TV stealing ideas from David Letterman with a brand new segment called “Will it flush?” where contestants predict which households items will indeed be flushed down the toilet or remain floating in the bowl for the next poor sap to deal with…

    Did someone say “good taste”?

    No?

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    This episode is dedicated to the brave men and women of the Australian Armed Forces.

  • 31 Questions Ep #06

    31 Questions episode #6 has been put out to pasture on YouTube, where it shall remain until the end of time or until the YouTube supercomputer collapses in on itself under the pressure of excessive cat videos.

    In other news, we’ve now been approved by WestTV Perth, TVS Sydney, 31 Digital Brisbane AND 44 Adelaide to be re-broadcast on their local stations!

    So if YouTube’s not your thing and you live in one of those metropolitan areas, stay tuned for your chance to watch 31 Questions from the comfort of your armchair, just like us fancy folks in Melbourne & Geelong.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    31 Questions: Proudly brought to you by NO SPONSOR.