David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Tag: dating

  • My, that’s a nice profile

    Here’s a poem I wrote about online dating. Chicks dig poetry, right?

    “My, that’s a nice profile”
    By David M. Green

    I wonder why
    She wants a guy
    To treat her like a princess?

    I staked out her home.
    I tapped her phone.
    I chased her through a tunnel…
    But nevertheless,
    She did not accept my contact request.

    She has a plan
    To find a man
    Who knows exactly what he wants.

    But I know what I want
    I conveyed it via font
    “I’d love to meet up sometime.”
    From the debutante,
    Only a response that was nonchalant.

    It must be a ploy
    To befriend a boy
    With photos so revealing.

    She looks like a chick
    Who goes to bed quick
    “Oh I’m not that kind of girl”
    I get the feeling,
    She finds me not the least bit appealing.

    Her profile’s been viewed
    By many a dude
    I’m in with the latest batch.

    She likes to par-tee.
    She enjoys a DVD.
    Who doesn’t enjoy those things?
    With such a high match,
    How can she think I’m not a great catch?

    Now this one gal
    From my locale
    Claims to have an open mind.

    Now, she’s not into sleaze.
    And no Indians please.
    Must have job and must have beard.
    I suspect I’ll find…
    That my witty request has been declined.

    With constant ignoring
    Online dating’s boring.
    Eyes hurt from the black and white.

    No wonder men feel inept.
    When no lady will accept.
    I should just delete this thing…
    Oh my God! A bite!
    And how are you on this Saturday night? 🙂

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    See you online. Oh wait, we’re already there.

  • Time Travel IS POSSIBLE!

    I did it.

    Last Friday night, I successfully travelled back in time to 1984, when Jemima and I went to the Wallis Mainline Drive-in movie theatre in Adelaide’s fabulous northern suburbs!

    I hadn’t been to the drive-in since 1995, when my Dad took my sister and I to a Jim Carey double feature (The Mask + Dumb & Dumber) at what is now a housing estate opposite the Warradale barracks. But 48 hours ago I was living the in-vehicle outdoor cinema experience once again, sitting in my car watching Star Trek XI (great!) and Wolverine (ok) at the Gepps Cross drive-in with my best gal by my side. A fantastic date, ’twas.

    But it was also sad… The place was filled to perhaps 15% of capacity, and the staff, as well as the facilities, were aged long past the prime of their respected “hay-days.” The snack bar decor clearly hadn’t been updated since the place opened in 19(cough cough)8. Pastel shades of pink and blue and “candy” spelled as “Kandi” greeted the motor-movie patrons upon entry. Surprisingly, the prices were cheaper than what one would expect to pay at a traditional cinema, with a much larger range of confectioneries and hot foods too.

    Outside, waist-high white poles with red tops marked recommended locations to park and view. Some of them also featured broken and rusting speaker boxes, relics of a by-gone era, as the audio is now broadcast on an FM frequency and listened to via each car’s own audio system. As I’m not an idiot, I of course remembered to turn on the engine between the two movies, to avoid a flat battery. At least one other car forgot to do this. I imagine flat batteries must occur so often at the drive-in, I was surprised they didn’t have a warning during the previews. I was also pondering… I wonder, if one lived nearby the drive-in, theoretically one could “pirate” a movie’s soundtrack by tuning their radio to (I forget the frequency) and recording using a few blank cassettes? Would there be a market for bootleg audio cassettes of latest release movies? Something to listen to in the car perhaps?

    In conclusion, a good old-fashioned, wholesome fun night out, with movies, cars and plenty of frotteurism in the dark. I highly recommend it. The drive-in, that is. Obviously, bring your own car and girlfriend.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Enjoyer of fine Kandi

  • Lack of Seating Forces Sketch Comedian to Stand…-Up

    Good (insert appropriate time period here),

    Hello again, David M. Green… I mean, I’M David M. Green. I’m not calling YOU David M. Green and saying hello to you. That would be inefficient. Only a hand-full of other people in the world are called David M. Green… Also, it’s pretty silly. My apologies… BUT ANYWHO… Last Thursday I comically stood-up and did some stand-up comedy at Adelaide’s fabulous “The Rhino Room.” Funnier than the last time. Plus I wore a tie! Enjoy!

    http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=Kw9Pg8BET1A

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Card-carrying member of ‘The Blood Club’