David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Tag: Idiots

  • The idiots. They walk among us…

    People are idiots. Evidence as follows:

    Fine coffee. Appalling punctuation.

    Every week I see menus with shocking spelling. Now would be the time your usual bad-grammar-blogger would mock the “Chinglish” found at Asian restaurants, but hey, how about a little class?

    Let’s make fun of Italians!

    Spot the mistakes:

    Assuming you ignore the capital letters, did you spot all of these:

    These are printed menus, by the way… What a joke!

    I was at a Williamstown ice-creamery recently. Take a gander at their Licorice Licks:

    It’s the flavour that demands followers!

    Now for some numerical idiocy:

    That 8 looks a little top-heavy…

    And finally, ha-ha-have a look at this sign:

    Wait a minute… let’s have a closer look…

    Yes, who could forget one of Melbourne’s favourite beach-side suburbs… Bondi.

    WHAA!?!

    Unless by “made” they mean “post-produced”, I’m pretty sure Bondi Vet is made in Sydney.

    Maybe they mean the SIGN was made in Melbourne?

    People, aye? No freaking idea.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Sure, everyone makes mistakes, but JESUS!

  • Adelaide Advertiser FAIL.

    On a recent trip to my home town, I was reminded once again how The Advertiser, Adelaide’s only daily newspaper, is just… terrible.

    Without even trying to find fault, the complete incompetence of that newspaper bursts forth from its tabloid pages.

    And forget about the actual JOURNALISM for a second! How about some FREAKING common sense!?!

    Nice placement of the FOOD SECTION:

    100 children dying of hunger daily… Shaken and stirred! The secret to Alessandro Pavoni’s 17-minute risotto! MmmmMMMmmm…

    And this one’s been frustrating me for years. I can’t believe they haven’t redesigned their reader opinion results graph yet.

    Firstly, let’s see how a newspaper with a trace of common sense presents their results. This is from Melbourne’s Herald Sun (oddly enough, owned by the same company – News Ltd):

    Quite clearly, more people voted “NO” than “YES”. Okay. All good.

    But how does the Adelaide Advertiser present their reader results? Like this:

    WHY!?!

    WHY DO THEY DO THIS!?!

    What is the point of THAT ARROW? It serves NO PURPOSE! Other than to confuse the reader.

    If it’s a majority of YES, the arrow points to NO! IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE!

    It’s like they stole a graphic from the 2007 Federal election and slapped an arrow on it for no reason.

    And it’s not like this is a recent graph design. From memory they started printing that graph maybe 2008 or 2009? And they’ve been doing it ever since.

    Adelaide is a one paper town, badly in need of a broadsheet alternative.

    It fills me with great annoyance every time I return and catch a glance at the paper on my parents’ kitchen table. At least I don’t have to look at it every day.

    If you do, you have my sympathy.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Newspaper critic.

  • Oh My God, The System Works!

    Following on from my previous post: Unbelievable. Within 48 hours of me pointing out the appalling grammar on the Commonwealth Bank’s exterior signage, the poor grammar mysteriously disappears! COINCIDENCE!?! I think not. My astonishment can clearly be seen in the above photograph.

    I imagine the suits at the Commonwealth Bank are quite irritated at my little English lesson. But hey, it’s their freaking sign. It was on public display in Rundle Mall for at least 6 weeks! My website has only had 150 or so views in the last 2 days. Think of how many people saw the sign directly, noticed the bad grammar and then associated idiocy with the Commonwealth Bank? Thousands… They should be more irritated by their own incompetence. Ha-ha, na they’re okay.

    So, in this case, the Internet (and its nit-picky bloggers) actually helped to draw attention to, and FIX the problem. How about that? Finally, a practical use for the Internet.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Smart Arse

  • Which Bank? The one with the Appalling Grammar.

    Call me a Grammar Nazi. Call me a regular Nazi. Call me David M. Green. Although on the regular Nazi quip, you couldn’t be more wrong. You’d be better off calling me a communist. But anyway, I’m deviating from the big issue: Proper English, DAMMIT!

    Several weeks ago I was walking down Adelaide’s fabulous Rundle Mall (pause for applause from locals), and I happened to wander past the Commonwealth Bank located on the corner of Pulteney Street, and I noticed one of those fancy automated teller machines I’ve read so much about. Next to this ATM was a sign, as shown above, indicating that there “is” an additional two “ATM’s” located around the corner, for my convenience of course.

    Now I, being a proud proponent of the English language, immediately noticed the multiple examples of poor grammar, which I will now deconstruct piece by piece… Firstly, the use of the word “is” is incorrect. It should be “are” as there are multiple ATMs. Secondly, “ATM’s” does not require an apostrophe, as in this context, the ATM does not own anything, nor are any letters left out, assuming you don’t count the missing letters from Automated Teller Machine, from which the abbreviation ATM is derived. I’m willing to let the lack of a full stop go, but regardless, who ever wrote this was clearly an idiot, and even more frighteningly, an idiot who works with people’s money!

    Now, this was several weeks ago. At the time I was lunching with my good friend Gerard Kotlowy, and he actually had to go into the bank for some reason. I followed him and considered alerting the humanoid teller to the error. However, that particular week I had been working a lot at the cinema and I was sick to death of people complaining to me about ridiculous trivial things (eg. the cinema is too cold, there’s water in the bathroom, the door squeaks too much, why are you still serving popcorn at this cinema when I have written to head office to complain that it should be banned? etc.). So I thought, hey, I’ll give this guy a break. He doesn’t want some jerk, who doesn’t even bank with them (although I used to, back in the ’90s, but that’s a different story); giving him an English lecture on, let’s face it, an insignificant matter and a waste of everyone’s time. So I did nothing, assuming that someone else would surely bring it up. Not the case.

    Literally, this was back in April, and the sign is still there! So I thought it was high time I took a photo of it and ridiculed the organisation, in detail and in blog form. This is the 21st Century after all. I don’t like it any more than you do, but this is how things are done now…

    So, in conclusion, my message to the Commonwealth Bank: Hey CB, if you’re increasing your interest rates by 10 basis points, the least you can do is buy a dictionary and throw it at who ever wrote that sign. Also, fix the sign. And the guy who wrote it too, I guess. After all, you just threw a dictionary at him. Or her. Not sexist.

    I’m David M. Green.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Improper English is something with which up, I shall not put.

  • Personal Editorial: The Adelaide Advertiser is Crap

    Greetings, 

    The Advertiser: The long established appalling tabloid newspaper circulated in and around the Adelaide metropolitan area. Oh, it’s bad. There’s no question. Oh… wait, there is. “Okay David, why is it bad THIS TIME?” Well, I’m glad you asked. Hold onto your knees, as I prepare to answer…

    Pick up The Advertiser on any given day and you’ll find numerous examples of pointless articles about “celebrities” or someone making an issue of nothing, or Amber Petty’s two cents worth. You know, they took the 2-cent coin out of circulation for a reason. If The Advertiser had any sense, which it clearly doesn’t, it would round Amber’s column down to zero. But it doesn’t stop there. The Confidential section, the 2-page spread for entertainment gossip, is usually a collection of tiny paragraphs about the relationships of TV and sporting personalities, something else about Amber Petty and a big article with some no-name model who no one cared about until she landed an overseas contract and is now leaving the country, forever to be referred to as “OUR (insert model’s name here).” And don’t get me started on the opinion section, even though it’s probably an appropriate place to voice it. Where do they find these people? And why don’t they ever print my hilarious opinions? Especially this one… Hehehe…

    But enough with this abuse. It’s starting to feel a bit “negative.” Let me jump to a couple of specific examples to justify my earlier statement that The Advertiser is crap. In today’s edition there was an interview with B-52s frontman Fred Schneider. I love The B-52s and thanks to this article, I’ve learnt they’re coming to Adelaide later in the year! Horay! However, Ha-ha-have a read of this…

    “Fred Schneider, the frontman of U.S. band the B-52s, has a message for those who label them retro. “We’ve never been an oldies band because we don’t age.” Schneider says in his unmistakable voice. That voice has dominated such hits as Rock Lobster, Private Idaho, Love Shack and Roam.” – Cameron Adams, “B-52s Still Explosive,” The Advertiser, June 11 2009.

    WAIT A SECOND… ROAM? Fred Schneider’s “unmistakable” voice “dominated” the B-52’s 1989 hit single “Roam?” Cameron Adams, have you even listened to that song? Fred Schneider ISN’T IN IT AT ALL! Listen to it again and you’ll find the only two “unmistakable” voices are those of Kate Pierson and Cindy Wilson. There’s no Fred Schneider. If he was in it, you’d know. After all, his voice is “unmistakable.” It’s not like Cameron has mistaken him for another male voice. There are no male voices on that track! Just the beautiful harmonics of the band’s two female singers.

    And so, this has lead me to believe that Cameron Adams thought he could get away with pretending he knew a little something about The B-52s, by getting a bit fancy with singers’ names and song titles. I should know, as I use the same technique to pretend I know stuff too. What he’s obviously done is looked up “The B-52s” on Wikipedia, had a quick look at their discography and jotted down a few of the big singles (Rock Lobster, Love Shack, Roam) and chucked in a lesser known one too just for the hell of it (Private Idaho), you know, make it seem like he knows what he’s talking about. But stupidly, he forgot that Fred Schneider’s unique style of spoken lyrics did not appear on one of those particular tracks (Roam). His mistake is comparable to saying: “I love the way John Lennon sings on Yesterday.”

    Now, I’m sure in all fairness, it was probably just a simple mistake. Will there be a correction in the next edition? I doubt it… Mistakes like this reinforce my strong opinion that The Advertiser is written by idiots, for idiots. It treats the readers like idiots, and in effect helps to turn them into idiots. Here’s one more for you… It’s a bit of an old one but it stuck in my mind and it seems relevant to bring it up here. How appalling is this:

    “(Rove) McManus, who was named on a shortlist to replace US talk host Conan O’Brien on The Late Show, lost the high-profile job to Hollywood actor Jimmy Kimmel.”– Peta Hellard, “McManus Rejected for Talkshow Gig,” The Sunday Times (& re-printed in The Advertiser), May 13 2008.

    Uh… What? Dear God where do I start… Well, first, Conan O’Brien was the host of “LATE NIGHT” not “The Late Show.” Mr Hellard had clearly confused Conan O’Brien with David Letterman, host of “The Late Show.” And it’s not like there was a recent change to the show titles. It had been like that since 1993! Secondly, Conan O’Brien wasn’t replaced with Jimmy Kimmel. He was replaced with Jimmy FALLON! Jesus… and was there a correction the next day? To be honest, I don’t really remember… but I don’t think so. I managed to find that article online. You can read it here. What’s even more unbelievable is the reporter, Peta Hellard, is The Sunday Times’ “Man in Los Angeles.” This guy LIVES in LA. I’m from Adelaide and we don’t even get Late Night with Conan O’Brien on free-to-air TV here and I knew more than he did. I could be their “Man in LA.” Apparently all I need to do is write fiction and throw in a few names. If it makes sense, great. If it’s true, well that’s irrelevant. Oh yeah, one final point: ROVE as host of Late Night? Come on… Although to be honest, he could probably do a better job than Jimmy Fallon… Who’s with me?

    So in conclusion, the world is full of idiots. And many of them read The Advertiser. Some of them write for The Advertiser. And I’m talking about “The Advertiser” in the general sense now. Maybe where you’re from “The Advertiser” is some other generic tabloid newspaper? Maybe it’s an ill informed talk radio host? Or, if you’re from Adelaide, your Advertiser happens to be the actual Advertiser. So my advice to you would be, maybe just think about what you hear in the press before taking it at face value. You should probably cross reference it with a couple of websites or something. Hey, feel free to ask me. And beware the idiots. They’re EVERYWHERE!

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    I’m living in my own Private Idaho, on the ground like a wild potato