David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Tag: movies

  • VHS Revue 36 – Beethoven’s 2nd (1997)

    Highlights from a 1997 VHS tape of the 1993 film “Beethoven’s 2nd”. Presented by David M. Green.

    Featuring:
    – A tedious anecdote about seeing Beethoven’s 2nd twice at the cinema
    – 90s kids movies about dogs named after famous historical figures
    – Channel Ten ‘Enya meets Pet Shop Boys’ Ident
    – Old El Paso Burrito TVC
    – Maggi Cup Noodles TVC
    – Bushells Tea TVC
    – Lean Cuisine TVC
    – Not Quite Right grocery clearance store TVC
    – TAC Drink Driving TVC
    – WorkCover confined spaces TVC
    – Building Control Commission TVC
    – Can’t Do That Any More Segment
    – McDonald’s “It’s MacTime Now” in Rome, Moscow, Mexico, Australia TVC

    Footage recorded from Melbourne’s Channel 10, July 1997 and used here for review, parody and satirical purposes.

    Special thanks to Alexis Kotlowy, John Hnatowych, Nicholas Godfrey, Chad Turner, Dean Watson, Jason Evans, Annika Samuelsson, Carolyn Lawlor-Smith, Nigel Charman, Zoe Charman, Bruce Richmond and our generous supporters on Patreon.

    Wallis Noarlunga Cinema photos courtesy of Bruce Richmond. See more great photos on the S.A. Drive-ins & Cinemas Facebook page.

    VHS Revue Links:

    -DMG

  • Comedy for the Working Man

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kLYToFDTkI&feature=player_profilepage

    Hey Hey!

    I did a spot of stand-up again last night. Thought I’d talk about my job at the cinema a little this time, so I did… I hope it doesn’t lead to my firing, like the last time I did workplace-related humour… Triple J’s Dave Callan did a great job hosting the evening. I actually thought I was on 3rd, but someone didn’t show up so I was surprised when my name was announced. Smiddy didn’t have the camera ready, as it was still in my bag, so the first 15 seconds or so wasn’t recorded (but those opening jokes fell flat anyway!). It was a very casual, laid-back evening of entertainment. Please enjoy.

    Oh yes, while I’m here, I watched John Safran’s Race Relations on ABC TV this week. Hilarious! By far the best Australian show I’ve seen all year. Wasn’t impressed much with the show on before it “Hungry Beast” (which I actually auditioned for under the show’s previous title of “Project Next”). It seemed like a bunch of journalism students trying to be the next “Chaser,” but very wooden and bland and not particularly funny. And I’m not just saying that because I was looked over for a hosting gig… stupid stuffed shirts wouldn’t let me on their crappy show for jerks… Na, they’re okay.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Several projects in the pipeline

  • Time Travel IS POSSIBLE!

    I did it.

    Last Friday night, I successfully travelled back in time to 1984, when Jemima and I went to the Wallis Mainline Drive-in movie theatre in Adelaide’s fabulous northern suburbs!

    I hadn’t been to the drive-in since 1995, when my Dad took my sister and I to a Jim Carey double feature (The Mask + Dumb & Dumber) at what is now a housing estate opposite the Warradale barracks. But 48 hours ago I was living the in-vehicle outdoor cinema experience once again, sitting in my car watching Star Trek XI (great!) and Wolverine (ok) at the Gepps Cross drive-in with my best gal by my side. A fantastic date, ’twas.

    But it was also sad… The place was filled to perhaps 15% of capacity, and the staff, as well as the facilities, were aged long past the prime of their respected “hay-days.” The snack bar decor clearly hadn’t been updated since the place opened in 19(cough cough)8. Pastel shades of pink and blue and “candy” spelled as “Kandi” greeted the motor-movie patrons upon entry. Surprisingly, the prices were cheaper than what one would expect to pay at a traditional cinema, with a much larger range of confectioneries and hot foods too.

    Outside, waist-high white poles with red tops marked recommended locations to park and view. Some of them also featured broken and rusting speaker boxes, relics of a by-gone era, as the audio is now broadcast on an FM frequency and listened to via each car’s own audio system. As I’m not an idiot, I of course remembered to turn on the engine between the two movies, to avoid a flat battery. At least one other car forgot to do this. I imagine flat batteries must occur so often at the drive-in, I was surprised they didn’t have a warning during the previews. I was also pondering… I wonder, if one lived nearby the drive-in, theoretically one could “pirate” a movie’s soundtrack by tuning their radio to (I forget the frequency) and recording using a few blank cassettes? Would there be a market for bootleg audio cassettes of latest release movies? Something to listen to in the car perhaps?

    In conclusion, a good old-fashioned, wholesome fun night out, with movies, cars and plenty of frotteurism in the dark. I highly recommend it. The drive-in, that is. Obviously, bring your own car and girlfriend.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Enjoyer of fine Kandi

  • Tales from The Palace

    Hi film fans,

    This past week I’ve worked 36 hours. That’s full time… in France… But the spike in hours isn’t due to a request on behalf of my drug habit, nor is it due to a mad scientist with a time machine, treading on the spacetime continuum, for this week was the 2009 Adelaide Film Festival, and thus there was more demand for my ticket-selling skills at the Palace Nova Cinema.

    The Adelaide Film Festival truly is the “who’s who” of the Adelaide Film Festival industry. The things I saw. The things I heard. The things I smelt… Are just 60% of my past week’s experiences, as sampled by my sensory input. By far the highlights of the week were seeing host of “At The Movies” on SBS, TV’s David Stratton (I recognise that beard anywhere). I also couldn’t seem to get away from the familiar wheezings of Bob Ellis, who looks like he’s about to die (just an observation). When I first saw him, I knew he was a somebody, but I couldn’t pick him. Then I had a flashback to season 1 or 2 of the SBS comedy show “Pizza” (you know, when it was still kinda good) and I remembered Bob Ellis had a cameo, playing the Premier of New South Wales. The glory days of Bob Ellis are long gone.

    Meanwhile, at the candy bar, I served Stephan Elliot (director of “Priscilla, Queen of the Desert”), TV’s Quentin, Triple J’s Sam Simmons and some guy who I remember thinking would look a lot like Hugo Weaving if he lost the beard, and who I later discovered was actually Hugo Weaving.

    I also learned a valuable lesson regarding throwing out drinks that still contain significant amounts of liquid: Pour the liquid out first, before you throw the cup in the garbage. This will help to avoid spilling several litres of coke right in front of Michael Atkinson, South Australian Attorney General. Hmm… I wonder if he’ll censor this…

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Didn’t get a chance to see any of the movies myself though…

  • If only it was still profitable…

    Hey there,

    Well as promised in my previous blog entry, Jemima and I did indeed venture once more to Glenelg to take advantage of the free session of Gone with the Wind on the final day of screening at Glenelg Cinema. It’s a sad day. Not least because I put my resume in there about 6 months ago and they stringed me along for 5 months telling me they were hiring soon… hehe, how ironic, seeing as though I just got a job at the Palace Nova cinema… Glenelg would have been a great place to work though. I’ve been wanting to work there for a long time. Pretty much ever since my good friend Tim Wray started working there back in 2003. I remember one occasion seeing him at the candy bar. I asked if he could give discounts. He very professionally said “no” before smashing a choc-top ice-cream onto the counter and selling me the defective product at a massive discount. And he told me it was such a great place to work; great pay and not that much work to do. That’s the problem with great work places: if there’s not much work to do it means business isn’t going to well, and inevitably you’ll probably lose your jobs when the place closes down, just like me at GameTraders Mitcham. No one ever came into that shop! Here’s a close-up of my head…

    But I have so many memories from the Glenelg Cinema. Heck, I’ve been going there as long as I can remember. Before Greater Union Marion opened in 1997, if we wanted to see a movie it was generally either Glenelg or Noarlunga. There were cinemas in the city too, but we generally kept to the suburban ones. My earliest memory at Glenelg was in 1994. My grandma, who at the time was living in West Lakes, took my sister Alice and I to see The Little Rascals. However it was sold out, so we sat in the adjacent mall (now demolished) trying to work out what to do. We eventually decided to see The Mask, starring a little known Jim Carey. I had a great time! And to this day I have never seen The Little Rascals.

    Another good memory was from one of the last days of Year 10 in 2002. For some reason, the Year 10 co-ordinator thought we were all mature enough to go see Molokai, a movie about a priest going to a leper colony in the mid-1800s. Boy was he wrong. Kids were yelling and laughing and throwing popcorn and shining laser pointers on the screen and at the back of teachers’ heads. And that was probably the last time I ever bought a tin of Kool Mints. You can’t get them in tins any more. Real shame. Oh there used to be this brand of potato chips as well that they don’t make any more. I forget their name. They were similar to Kettle Chips. Very oily and irregularly shaped. Fantastic. I think I’m starting to sound old?

    Something else I remember about Glenelg for no reason other than I have a great memory… I saw all 3 of the Mummy movies there. The first one in 1999 with my then friend Robert Elkson, the 2nd in 2001 with my then friend Craig Markham, and then the 3rd in 2008 with my then (and now) girlfriend Jemima. And it was with her that I saw the 2nd to last ever screening; the 1939 classic Gone with the Wind. We were the youngest people there by about 4 generations. And everybody gasped and applauded when Clark Gable uttered that famous line, the line you sit through the proceeding 4 hours to see, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.” A fitting phrase also for the profit-driven go-go world of commercialism, in regard to the Glenelg Cinema. Hey, don’t get me wrong, I love making money. I just wish they would replace the Glenelg cinema with a newer, better cinema, instead of just tearing it down and turning it into some boutique shops and a multi-storey car park. Oh well, we’ll always have the memories…

    Kind regards,
    Cinema’s David M. Green
    Probably ate too much popcorn…