David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Tag: MX

  • Twittiquette

    If you missed my piece (opinion piece, I mean. Not a firearm.) in mX last week, here it is in fabulous scanned electro-newsprint:

    And if that’s not working for ya, here’s the text version:

    For What It’s Worth
    David M. Green on Twitter Etiquette

    I followed Phil Collins on Twitter. You’d think of all people, the guy who sang “Follow You Follow Me” would follow back. He didn’t.

    But he’s a big star – even if he hasn’t had a hit in 15 years. He can’t possibly follow back all his Twitter fans. So what’s your excuse for not following back? Are YOU famous?

    I don’t think so.

    So what is proper Twitter etiquette, or “Twittiquette”?

    The ultimate insult in 2013 is to ignore someone online. It’s one thing to simply ignore someone you don’t know or with whom you have no common interests. We do this to millions of people by default.

    But unless you’re a celebrity, you’re in a genuine category of jerk if someone you’ve met in your travels follows you on Twitter, and you don’t follow back.

    It’s the technological equivalent of sticking out your hand for a high five, only to be left hanging. You’d have to truly despise someone – and want them to know it – to do that. You never leave a guy hanging.

    A Twitter following is seen by many as a symbol of power. More followers means more influence. And more chance someone will want to give you a briefcase full of money for no reason. The history of the Internet is filled with stories like that, right?

    But it’s not enough simply to have a pile of followers. The assumption seems to be: “I’ll only be seen as powerful and interesting if I have lots of followers AND I’m not following many people”. In other words, you need an impressive “power ratio”.

    There are many ways to get that power ratio. You can do what a few politicians have done and just buy some Twitter followers, which is great if you like robots. You can do a Miley Cyrus and twerk your way to a pile of followers with a controversial public stunt. You could even try actually working hard in the real world for a number of years to establish yourself as an influential figure in your chosen field… Na.

    The fastest and cheapest way to get Twitter followers is to follow a bunch of people, then unfollow the ones who didn’t follow back. And then unfollow the ones who DID follow back. Presto! Power ratio.

    Although, there is a slight problem with that. If you’re actively ignoring people who follow you because you think it’ll enhance your power ratio, you’re ultimately just making enemies. I don’t know about you, but I feel less inclined to like someone if I know they’re not interested in me. Screw the power games.

    The amazing thing is; being nice on Twitter is so easy. It’s the easiest way to be nice in the history of social interaction. Take the high road. Keep your followers. Keep following back. That’s all you’ve got to do. Even if you hate their guts.

    Of course, if you’re followed by a business that treats Twitter like a spam-delivery system, you’re under no obligation to follow back. And life is too short for trolls, bots and troll-bots (they’re the worst).

    But if you want to be the nicest person in the online world, follow back, like a status and give a retweet now and then. People will love you for life. Or at least until you stop following them.

    —

    And a big welcome to my 5 new Twitter followers!

    I may have acquired more had mX been able to print underscores properly.

    Na, they’re okay.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    @David_M_Green

  • 31 Questions in mX!

    In case you missed it…

    In other news, I can also announce the low budget TV game show no one’s heard of will begin airing in Perth and Adelaide within 2 weeks:

    Watch 31 Questions on WestTV Perth Saturdays 11.30PM starting August 25. Also repeated Mondays 10PM.

    Or if you’re in Australia’s 5th largest city, catch the show on 44 Adelaide Tuesdays 10.30PM starting August 28.

    Alternatively, you could just watch 69.2% of the whole first season on YouTube RIGHT NOW!

    For Melburnians and Geelong…ans… though, you can be the first to see Ep #10 TONIGHT 10PM on your Channel 31.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Oh yeah and something about America…

  • Got mice?

    Daniel Gardner took a personal day yesterday complaining of “overworked typing fingers”, so I stepped up to the keyboard to share some thoughts on catching mice for the good readers of mX.

    That’s right.

    You may find it easier to read this textual version…

    David M. Green on Mice

    At first it sounds quaint or cosy – late at night to see a furry little creature curiously scurrying along the kitchen floor – but when one becomes three or four, and suddenly there’s rodents exploring cupboards, bedrooms and electrical cables, you’ve got a mouse problem.

    Mice will eat anything. They’ll nibble through plastic to get to the loaf of bread. They once ate through my housemate’s underpants in our wicker laundry basket, through which they also ate.

    Like skinning their natural feline predators, there are many ways to eradicate vermin. The obvious solution is to call a licensed professional ala Christopher Walken in Mousehunt.

    But who has that sort of money? I can’t afford to hire major Hollywood actors for such menial tasks.

    Besides, where’s the fun? Catching a mouse or three sounds like a great adventure.

    My great grandfather caught rats in Adelaide during the Great Depression. He founded his own pest control business, so catching varmints should be in my blood.

    Poison is an option. But not all poisons work immediately. You might find yourself with a decomposing carcass in an unreachable location. Not good for entertaining.

    I say go for a trap.

    Some years ago at a mouse-infested share house, my housemates and I built our own Wile E. Coyote-style trap consisting of a soup pot, a stick and a long piece of string. We just needed a small sign reading “Free Cheese” to complete the illusion.

    Three housemates, a decade of university education between us, sat silently in the dark, trying not to laugh, waiting for a mouse to unwittingly crawl beneath the pot. But those mice are fast. When one did finally inch under, I pulled the string to release the stick but by the time the pot dropped, the mouse was long gone.

    It was a blessing in disguise really – we hadn’t thought ahead as to what we would do once we actually caught the mouse, alive.

    But if you’re buying a proper mouse trap, there are some traps for young players (pardon the pun).

    Firstly, don’t use a RAT trap. Rat traps are for trapping rats. Not mice.

    Mice are too light and nimble to activate the trigger on a big rat trap – they just lick it clean and mockingly leave it for you to find the next morning.

    The best type of mouse trap is the classic wooden design with the metal spring-loaded snapping bar mechanism. They’re also very cheap – two for a dollar from your nearest discount retailer.

    But still, these traps can suffer the same problem. The mice simply eat the bait with the gentlest of gnawing and live to scurry another day.

    A great tip is to use peanut butter for bait, and smear it all over the trap. If the mouse has to crawl all over the trap it’s bound to slip up and SNAP!

    But for the animal lovers, the best tactic might be to just learn to co-exist with our furry friends. That is of course until you can afford a nicer place.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    There’s a mouse next to my computer!

  • Gift giving

    In case you missed it in mX last Friday, here’s my two cents on gifts…

    It’s supposed to be all about generosity, love, happiness and all that junk. But personally, I find giving and receiving gifts a nightmare.

    And Christmas is the worst.

    When you’re a kid, you think it’s simple enough. I want this! I want that!

    But then you get older and you discover a whole bunch of bizarre “gifting rules”. And everyone seems to have their own interpretation.

    Take my Dad (Please). He hates gifts. This is no secret. When someone gives him a present, any present, his reaction is consistent: “I didn’t ask for this. I don’t need it. I don’t want it.”

    My Mum on the other hand, will tell me every Christmas, “It’s okay, you don’t need to get me a present this year.” And then when I go ahead and get her nothing, I find out what she really meant was: “I don’t need any presents this year, but I would actually like a small present.”

    WHY DON’T YOU JUST SAY THAT!?!

    Why the labyrinth of interpretation?

    Because nobody wants to admit “I want presents”.

    My family has never been big on gift-giving. When I tell people this, often they find it incomprehensible. It even makes some people upset! They call me David M. Grinch.

    When I experienced the first Christmas with my first girlfriend, I was under the impression I would give her a present and she would give me one. And this was true.

    But what I wasn’t expecting when I turned up at her house on Christmas Day, was a present from her parents, presents from her three brothers, one from her brother’s girlfriend, one from her grandparents and another from her aunt.

    Might I point out, I’d hadn’t even met half these people before.

    And you know what I got for them? Nothing!

    I know they were trying to make me feel included, but it just made me feel awful. Was I supposed to get presents for all of them too? I didn’t have a job at the time. I’d have to declare bankruptcy! I’m ruined!

    So what makes a good gift?

    I believe the best present is money – cold hard cash – because you can do whatever you want with it.

    But people say, “No! You can’t give money! Where’s the thought in that?” They tell me I have to at least get them a gift voucher.

    A gift voucher is less thoughtful than money. A gift voucher can only be used at one place under certain conditions and if you don’t redeem it by a certain date it’s worthless.

    But money has no expiration date! It can be used anywhere! For anything! Just a thought…

    And it’s the thought that counts.

    There was about ten Christmases in a row there where several relatives thought I’d enjoy a nice desk ornament. Every year, more and more desk ornaments. How many desks do you think I have? I need a second one now just for the ornaments.

    If you must give a gift, give something that’s useful. We’ve all heard the clichés about socks and jocks, but I think they’re great. Assuming they don’t have an awkwardly placed tag or itchy stitching.

    And if you want to give ME a present this year… please… make a donation to a worthy charity. Okay? You feel good. The gift goes to someone who really needs it. Everybody’s happy.

    Either that or Lego.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Putting that journalism degree to good use, obviously.