In the last year, two of my favourite Indian restaurants have closed down. The first one was shut down by the health inspector, re-opened under new management and then burnt down (not even joking – it was at the top of Lygon Street, in East Brunswick). And much to my recent despair, I just discovered my other favourite Indian restaurant has changed into a Chinese restaurant.
I’m just devastated.
A good restaurant is like a woman. She’s inviting. Her service is excellent. And she adheres to proper fire code regulations.
But a good restaurant that meets my select criteria of perfection is hard to find. Let me share with you the secret of what makes the perfect restaurant.
First and foremost…
1. Atmosphere
When we dine out, we want to dine in a comfortable setting. Otherwise, we’re better off saving our money and staying home.
Soft lighting is a must. It hides those blemishes and makes everyone look like a movie star. Or at least a background extra. If you’re dining in a bistro with harsh fluorescent lighting, you may as well eat dinner at an office. Or an office toilet.
2. Comfort
Obviously the chairs need to be comfortable. Some restaurants have a philosophy that the tables and chairs should be adequate, but not too comfortable, to encourage faster patron turnover. For example, those non-padded chairs with the seat and back at rigid 90 degree angles to each other. You want a nice cushioned seat that you can lean back on a little, mull away and shoot the breeze.
I’ve been a big fan of the booth for many a year.
3. Space
A good seating plan is also important. You don’t want to be sitting right next to a couple of strangers. And a word of caution, if that couple is just staring at one another and not talking, that means they’re eavesdropping on your conversation. That’s certainly what I’m doing, anyway.
A good restaurant has plenty of space between tables. And a perfect restaurant is only ever at 50 per cent capacity. Though it’s a fine line finding an eatery that’s good enough to be popular and stay in business, yet not an overcrowded cattle yard.
When restaurants are packed with guests, it can get quite loud, which is why a perfect restaurant has carpeted floors and soft curtains or tapestries on the walls to absorb the sound. Floorboards and sheer flat wall surfaces reflect noise and can make you feel like you’re dining in a crowded parking garage.
And no one wants to sit anywhere near the kitchen, bathroom or any high traffic area where you’re likely to get bumped by elbows and hear noises you’re not particularly interested in. Speaking of which, if this restaurant has a guy with a guitar or other obtrusive musical instrument wandering around offering to sing to unsuspecting couples, that’s an instant deal-breaker for perfect restaurant.
4. Service
After ambience, the most important thing is the service. Australian restaurants have a reputation for substandard service. This is an unfortunate by-product of our lack of tipping culture. By comparison, in the United States, waiting staff can’t wait to top up your water or check if you need anything because they know good service means a friendly gratuity.
The best thing about American restaurants is the virtually universal rule of complimentary soft drink refills. Go anywhere, and if you buy a cola, you can drink as much as you like. But here on the driest continent on Earth, the drinks are damn expensive, and if you want another watered down lemonade, that’ll be another $4.50. Unless of course you’re dining at Hungry Jack’s or TGI Friday’s.
But you can’t beat good service. In a perfect restaurant, the staff are always one move ahead.
5. The food, I guess…
Lastly, the thing that will keep you coming back: the food. There’s no point dining in a magnificently appointed restaurant if the food is terrible. It’s got to be good. Simple as that. But you already knew that one.
If you can find a restaurant that has all of these things and doesn’t hurt your pocket, you may have just found the world’s best place to dine.
Make sure you tell just enough friends about it to keep the place from going out of business.
Kind regards,
David M. Green
Don’t make the same mistake I did.
