David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Tag: review

  • 2012. Highest of highs. Lowest of lows.

    I started 2012 in much the same way I end it: Relaxing in Adelaide, uncertain about my state of employment when I return to Melbourne.

    12 months ago, I was on my Christmas break from panelling “The Steve Vizard Show” on Melbourne Talk Radio. Instead of finding a fill-in host for 4 weeks, MTR instead took a network feed from 2GB in Sydney. This sparked rumours the show wouldn’t be coming back in 2012.

    My plan was simply to work there as long as possible. That ended up being 7 weeks.

    It was just a regular day at the radio station on 2 March 2012. The Vizard crew left early to have some farewell drinks in St Kilda to celebrate assistant producer Gen’s last day. We were sitting outside on Fitzroy Street around 4.45PM when phones started ringing. And that was it. MTR had been clumbsily pulled off the air by upper management at 5PM.

    Turned out it was everyone’s last day.

    But at least we were in the right place for it. I never ended up paying, so thank you to who ever fixed the bill that night. I went back to the station around 7 o’clock to pick up my bag. Naturally the studio had been dead-bolted, my security pass deactivated and a security guard posted at the front door. Fortunately there was a nice chap at SEN who let me in. I took the opportunity to swipe some post-it notes.

    This happened at a particularly difficult time for me, as I’d just signed a lease on my own apartment two days earlier. Conveniently in the adjacent suburb to the MTR studios. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!?!

    I tried my luck at some other radio stations, though it turns out it’s not much easier to get panelling work even with experience. And in my case anyway, no one seemed particularly interested in paying for training. So the option was to go in and work for free for an indeterminate amount of time with no promise of a job at the end of it, while my rent goes unpaid, or give up and get a job stacking shelves in a supermarket like so many other out-of-work show biz types.

    Hence I was extremely lucky to land another local panelling gig at Crocmedia, working on AFL Live with the legendary sports broadcasters in Rex Hunt, Sandy Roberts and Peter Donegan. Certainly the best part of that whole venture was being the go-to sound effect guy for Rex Hunt. And panelling the Grand Final to 96 radio stations (flawlessly, I might add) is going to be a highlight of radio career that won’t soon be surpassed.

    [display_podcast]

    So from March to April, I went from full time radio work to weekend radio work, with a little casual wedding DJ-ing in between. The DJ-ing lasted until I discovered I was being paid half of the travel allowance I was lead to believe. Is it too much to ask to be given a freaking break?

    Though less money was coming my way, I did have an abundance of time, which came in handy in the lead up to shooting the first season of my TV game show 31 Questions. This was why I moved to Melbourne, after all.

    Television.

    Without a doubt, it’s been the best experience of my life. My favourite part of the process was being in the studio, joking around with the cast, crew and contestants. When a gag I had written months earlier was finally delivered (not necessarily by me) and it actually WORKED, I can’t describe how rewarding the laughter was. It was such a thrill when anything on that show actually worked. Even the buzzers.

    And I’m so pleased with how far the show has come. It was always a distant goal to get it aired on all the community stations around Australia. And we did it. We even got approved by a TV station in New Zealand.

    The team and I now have our eyes set on a second season, which is due to start shooting in March 2013. There are still plenty of mistakes we made in season 1, which I’m relishing the opportunity to improve upon.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOVE3TJtkYE

    Here are some of my favourite ridiculously positive comments left on the 31 Questions Facebook Page this year:

    Lachlan Couley, Sydney, 4 Dec
    “This is the best show I’ve ever watched in my whole life.”

    Jacob Thaw, Melbourne, 26 Jul
    “I don’t think it would be unreasonable to say that this is the best game show on c31. Perhaps even the best show on television. 31 thumbs up!”

    Daniel Barrie, Sydney, 17 Dec
    “You guys are flippin Hillarious! Me and my housemates watch this crap every week!!! Lmfao the best half hour I waste every week”

    Pip Schapel, Adelaide, 20 Nov
    “Dear 31 questions, I’m devastated tonights your last show. came across it a few wks back & it’s f****** awesome. Some of the contestants are fair average though…I would win this show, I get heaps of these questions right. Hope you do another season PEACE!”

    Blazenka Brysha, Melbourne, 11 Jun
    “I think the reason you lot are not on the ABC is because you are so entertaining. I do hope that you can still remain so chipper and creative when the ABC lures you into its staid straightjacket.”

    Lachy Palmos, Perth, 16 Oct
    “this is probably the best show on television at the moment…legit”

    How fantastic is that? People who actually like the show! Thanks everyone. It’s so rewarding to read these comments.

    Perhaps more interesting, what does it say about the general state of TV in Australia when someone would actually say that our crappy little game show is “the best show on television”?

    Obviously a pretty sad line up…

    I’ve also done quite a bit of freelance writing work this year, appearing in/on The Drum, Mamamia, The Punch, mX and Australian Popular Science Magazine.

    There were a handful of other little creative projects: a couple of podcasts, more Too Easy episodes, a screenplay, the odd bit of voice-over work, etc. I also spent seven weeks working at a digital advertising agency. It was a valuable experience in the sense I’ve added another occupation to the list of jobs I don’t want.

    In the year of our lord 2012, I also made my debut on ABC Radio National’s “The Science Show” with a 5 minute radio story about a Carl Sagan-inspired play at the Malthouse Theatre called “Pale Blue Dot”.

    Science has always been an interest of mine. Had comedy not been my chosen path, I reckon I’d have set my eyes on space.

    After 4 years of ABC job applications, I finally managed to get a few casual producing shifts at 774 ABC Melbourne, producing for “The Morning Program” with Jon Faine. I enjoyed working there and would definitely be interested in MORE SHIFTS… something to keep pursuing in 2013 😉

    In fact, the ABC has been the dream for a long time. It seems to be the the only place in radio or TV in Australia that really gives talent the opportunity to develop and create content that isn’t about Kim Kardashian.

    Though I only did 3 shifts at ABC 774 this year, I did meet Jill Meagher a few weeks before she died. She was the unit assistant, so she handled all the paperwork when I started. She was a lovely person and like everyone else, I was completely shocked and deeply saddened when she was found raped and murdered.

    Events like this, terrible as they are, give people a chance to step back and appreciate the important things in life. And I’ll tell you what, petty office politics isn’t one of them.

    Possibly the biggest lifestyle change I’ve experienced this year is a new found appreciation for tea. That’s all thanks to Van Badham, my close friend and mentor. She introduced me to Dilmah Rose and French Vanilla tea with vanilla soy milk. Sure, it’s more camp than a row of tents. But it’s absolutely sensational.

    Tea tastes considerably better when you have it in a proper teacup. As nice as it is to drink a hot beverage from a mug with my face on it, a traditional teacup holds less liquid, so the tea is more highly concentrated. And I think there’s something about the cone-esque shape of the cup that aerates the tea better, or some crap.

    Anyway, my parents have a bunch of old porcelain handed down through the generations just sitting in boxes at the family mansion. They haven’t been used in 50 years or something. So I’ve taken it upon myself to take them to Melbourne. What’s the point of having these fabulous antiques if you aren’t getting pleasure from using them?

    You only live once. These things are supposed to be enjoyed!

    So what’s the plan for 2013?

    Season 2 of “31 Questions” on Channel 31 and beyond. And some more paid work would be nice.

    I’d also like to invest in my own proper recording equipment so I can finally be free to create audio masterpieces without having to rely on other people or organisations.

    Anything else will be a bonus.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    See you in 2013.

  • What makes a perfect restaurant?

    Seinfeld restaurant

    In the last year, two of my favourite Indian restaurants have closed down. The first one was shut down by the health inspector, re-opened under new management and then burnt down (not even joking – it was at the top of Lygon Street, in East Brunswick). And much to my recent despair, I just discovered my other favourite Indian restaurant has changed into a Chinese restaurant.

    I’m just devastated.

    A good restaurant is like a woman. She’s inviting. Her service is excellent. And she adheres to proper fire code regulations.

    But a good restaurant that meets my select criteria of perfection is hard to find. Let me share with you the secret of what makes the perfect restaurant.

    First and foremost…

    1. Atmosphere

    When we dine out, we want to dine in a comfortable setting. Otherwise, we’re better off saving our money and staying home.

    Soft lighting is a must. It hides those blemishes and makes everyone look like a movie star. Or at least a background extra. If you’re dining in a bistro with harsh fluorescent lighting, you may as well eat dinner at an office. Or an office toilet.

    2. Comfort

    Obviously the chairs need to be comfortable. Some restaurants have a philosophy that the tables and chairs should be adequate, but not too comfortable, to encourage faster patron turnover. For example, those non-padded chairs with the seat and back at rigid 90 degree angles to each other. You want a nice cushioned seat that you can lean back on a little, mull away and shoot the breeze.

    I’ve been a big fan of the booth for many a year.

    3. Space

    A good seating plan is also important. You don’t want to be sitting right next to a couple of strangers. And a word of caution, if that couple is just staring at one another and not talking, that means they’re eavesdropping on your conversation. That’s certainly what I’m doing, anyway.

    A good restaurant has plenty of space between tables. And a perfect restaurant is only ever at 50 per cent capacity. Though it’s a fine line finding an eatery that’s good enough to be popular and stay in business, yet not an overcrowded cattle yard.

    When restaurants are packed with guests, it can get quite loud, which is why a perfect restaurant has carpeted floors and soft curtains or tapestries on the walls to absorb the sound. Floorboards and sheer flat wall surfaces reflect noise and can make you feel like you’re dining in a crowded parking garage.

    And no one wants to sit anywhere near the kitchen, bathroom or any high traffic area where you’re likely to get bumped by elbows and hear noises you’re not particularly interested in. Speaking of which, if this restaurant has a guy with a guitar or other obtrusive musical instrument wandering around offering to sing to unsuspecting couples, that’s an instant deal-breaker for perfect restaurant.

    4. Service

    After ambience, the most important thing is the service. Australian restaurants have a reputation for substandard service. This is an unfortunate by-product of our lack of tipping culture. By comparison, in the United States, waiting staff can’t wait to top up your water or check if you need anything because they know good service means a friendly gratuity.

    The best thing about American restaurants is the virtually universal rule of complimentary soft drink refills. Go anywhere, and if you buy a cola, you can drink as much as you like. But here on the driest continent on Earth, the drinks are damn expensive, and if you want another watered down lemonade, that’ll be another $4.50. Unless of course you’re dining at Hungry Jack’s or TGI Friday’s.

    But you can’t beat good service. In a perfect restaurant, the staff are always one move ahead.

    5. The food, I guess…

    Lastly, the thing that will keep you coming back: the food. There’s no point dining in a magnificently appointed restaurant if the food is terrible. It’s got to be good. Simple as that. But you already knew that one.

    If you can find a restaurant that has all of these things and doesn’t hurt your pocket, you may have just found the world’s best place to dine.

    Make sure you tell just enough friends about it to keep the place from going out of business.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Don’t make the same mistake I did.

  • 800 million reasons to hate the new Facebook Timeline

    I don’t like it and I don’t want it.

    The big wigs over at “Facelessbook” tell us their 800 million users (11 per cent of the world’s entire population) will now be forced to adopt the new Timeline layout.

    And I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I declare this to be history’s greatest disaster. Thanks a lot, Zuckerberg.

    The much heralded “New Facebook” design is bad ergonomics.

    Users of “Facebook Classic” will know that everyone’s most recent status updates are at the top of the page, and to trace backwards requires a simple vertical glance downwards, like so: (follow the red arrow)

    Viewing Timeline on a computer requires your eyes to dart left and right around the screen, zigzagging down the page, searching for some sort of chronological consistency.

    Compare the above design to the Timeline layout:

    It’s the equivalent of designing a stove with controls that don’t line up with the hotplates, or a speedometer with no numbers on it.

    If I land on a friend’s Facebook page and they have the Timeline, I usually leave straight away. I don’t care about whatever benefits they’re toting. I simply do not want to look at it.

    Now, I don’t have a problem with software giants changing the design of their user interfaces. But I do have a problem when it’s a forced change, and not one for the better.

    They’ve been doing this to us for years. Windows Media Player used to have the “play” button on the left of the screen. Then they moved it to the middle.

    The latest version of Internet Explorer moved the favourites menu to the opposite side of the page. Why? Because they can.

    I had to break years of mouse-moving habit in order to adapt. And even still, if I’m not concentrating, I’ll sometimes go for the old positions.

    And YouTube just made their new channel design mandatory as well.

    It rightly ruffles my feathers!

    Of course, they’re not all evil manipulative execu-nerds over there in Silicon Valley, driving around in their fancy convertibles, laughing at the thought of pissing off millions of users by making them change their habits.

    The good people who designed the Winamp multimedia player also catered for their long time users who don’t like change. With a simply click, you can revert back to the classic “skin”, where everything on the screen is where it should be.

    It’s quite possibly the greatest thing since sliced bread. Or rather, if there was such thing as sliced bread that – with the click of a button – could also be turned back into the classic unsliced variety of loaf.

    People don’t like change. That’s the only thing that stays the same.

    But is Mark Zuckerberg offering users the option to keep the old Facebook design? No he is not. And why should he? At this point there’s no incentive for the colour-blind monopoloid to cater to his “friends”.

    What are we gonna do? Go crawling back to MySpace? I don’t think so.

    But before you criticise me (probably on Facebook) for overreacting, I am aware this is a first world problem. No one’s starving to death because of some rearranged zeros and ones. At its worst, it’s just kind of irritating.

    There must be hundreds of thousands, if not millions of Australians who along with me, are lamenting waking up one morning to discover a Timeline where their Facebook page used to be.

    They’ve already converted the fan pages for myself and 31 Questions. They switched over on March 31.

    But what choice do we have? Could you imagine your modern lifestyle without Facebook? Impossible.

    It’s now so ingrained in our society there’s no way back. You don’t ask for someone’s phone number any more. You ask for the correct spelling of their name, so you can stalk them on the Internet.

    How on Earth are you supposed to remember anyone’s birthday? Write it down on a desk calendar? Absurd.

    And up until the late 00s, if you wanted to “poke” someone, etiquette dictates you needed to buy them a drink first.

    But, I suppose if being subjected to the Facebook Timeline is the worst thing that happens to you this month, you’re probably doing better than the 6.2 billion people who don’t have Facebook at all.

    They actually have real problems to deal with.

    Feathers can be unruffled.

    We will adapt. Reluctantly. We will learn to like. Reluctantly. We may even eventually give it one of those little thumbs up… Reluctantly.

    And then we’ll kick up a fuss when Facebook decides they want to change the Timeline to something else.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Reluctant Facebook user.

  • 2009 Logies Review from a Non-viewer

    Hello,

    The 51st Annual TV Week Logie Awards: Australian television’s “night of nights.” I didn’t watch it. I was working. But if I wasn’t working, I may have had it on in the background… maybe… as I heard Shaun Micallef was presenting an award, and I tend to go out of my way to watch, listen or read anything with his name on it… I really haven’t been following it (the Logie thing) at all, eg. the nominees, the voting. I didn’t even know who hosted it until today (Gretel Killeen?!? Jesus… but more on that in a moment). I barely watch any free-to-air TV, not to mention any Australian shows. Even if I wanted to mention some, I’d have trouble, seeing as though I don’t watch any. Nor do I attend water cooler conversations. I’m usually oblivious to what’s “hot” on commercial TV. If anything important happens I usually discover it on the Internet before it appears on TV anyway… BUT… why am I bothering to contribute to the already numerous blog entries and articles out there pointing out how terrible the Logies were? Especially seeing as though I didn’t even watch it? Why? I’ll tell you why… It’s because I myself want to know “why?” Why does TV keep doing this? What do the decision-makers expect when they get Gretel Killeen to host it?!?

    I did watch Gretel’s intro on YouTube. Okay, so I didn’t quite “not watch” the whole thing. I lied slightly… But if that’s how the Logies started, I’m guessing that’s how the rest of it went: Weak material, phoney presenting and lame jokes from a host no one liked. And Gretel Killeen, as far as I can recall, hasn’t done anything on TV since the 2007 season of Big Brother. Why bring her back now? Just… why? Now… I’m not one for slandering people on the Internet, but JESUS H. CHRIST WHO COULD HAVE POSSIBLY THOUGHT THAT GRETEL KILLEEEN WOULD BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN APPALLING!?!?! Is the person who rubber-stamped that one TRYING to get fired? Who out there thought: “Hey, Gretel Killeen is hosting? Thank God, the Logies have been saved!”

    I of course also watched the short clip of Shaun Micallef presenting the award for best miniseries or telemovie. Hilarious. Shaun is fantastic. He’s properly funny, and it’s still my opinion that the BEST Logies were back in 2001 when Shaun himself was the host. He says it’s a tough room. I’m sure he’s right. But I myself am a tough room, not in the literal sense of course. But I can completely relate to being in an audience watching someone who’s not funny. When I’m in that situation, I generally don’t laugh. I would never expect someone to laugh unless something that was said or done was actually funny. It’s a pretty simple equation. Funny host = entertainment. Gretel Killeen isn’t funny. But brace yourself, because here’s something really bizarre… 

    Now, I don’t usually link to videos on my blog that aren’t my own, but I’ll break with tradition here because I’ve noticed something very interesting I’d like to draw to everyone’s attention. Here’s Gretel’s intro clip I saw. Have a look at this… (If it’s been taken down, try searching for “Gretel’s 2009 Logies intro” on YouTube or something)

    [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qj-G1dMpJ7k[/youtube]

    Okay. Did you notice Gretel was “shot” there and she fell over? Pretty funny right? Not particularly. And when you think about it… she kinda exploded… That’s really quite horrible. Not to mention confusing. I don’t even really know what she was going for… If anyone can explain it to me, please go ahead.

    But now for the bizarre thing I promised. Something about Gretel falling over and pretending to be dead at the Logies reminded me of something… Something from a long time ago. 8 years ago to be precise. I have a scrap book at home with various newspaper clippings, and I found this one from The Adelaide Advertiser circa March 2001, printed the week before Shaun Micallef was to host the Logies:

    If the font’s too small (and fair comment), click on the article and you’ll be taken to a larger version. High Definition Newspapers: The future is now. But anyway, the relevant part of the article I wish to draw your attention to is basically the first two paragraphs, which read:

    “COMEDIAN Shaun Micallef wanted to try something different to start the annual Logie award presentation this year. ‘I wanted to walk out on stage and begin my introduction spiel and then, about a minute into my dialogue, collapse on to the ground,’ Micallef recalls.
    ‘I thought it would be great if the network could ‘temporarily’ stop broadcast, go to a test pattern or something and then come back to me with a bandage or whatever around my head and have me continue the show.’
    Needless to say the producers disagreed.”

    Now hang on… wait a minute here… Shaun Micallef thought about falling over during his intro and the producers said NO? He goes on to say that if he really demanded to do it, the producers probably would have caved in and let him. So he COULD have done it, but he chose not to (His intro did contain several other physical gags, but none that involved falling over). Then 8 years later… Gretel Killeen’s hosting, and she decides it would be a good idea to collapse on stage. I wonder what the producers thought of this? Did they try to discourage her? Maybe they suggested it? Would it REALLY have been inappropriate for Shaun Micallef to do that joke back in 2001? Comedy was simpler back then, after all… It probably would have been funnier back then too, I imagine. But if you compare Shaun’s 2001 Logies intro to Gretel’s 2009 appall-a-tron, there’s simply no contest. Gretel didn’t say anything remotely funny, interesting or memorably. The only thing she did do was die on stage, and then pretend to die on stage (zing!). But isn’t that bizarre? I don’t quite know what to make of this… I mean, it’s hardly an original idea. Orson Wells did it in 1938. But still one wonders…

    Of course, there have been 7 other Logie ceremonies in between 2001 and 2009. In 2002 it was hosted by Wendy Harmer. I boycotted that one, and from most accounts she was comparable to Gretel. In 2003 and 2004 it was Eddie McGuire. Satisfactory, but it was like a sandwich with no filling. Sure, it had the two pieces of bread, but lacking in tasty content. From 2004 to 2007 the squabbling networks couldn’t agree on any single host so they each threw in a representative and “shared” the role. Then last year there was NO HOST. What a joke. For God’s sake, just PICK SOMEONE GOOD! Get Bert Newton while he’s still alive! He’s still got it, after all. Or develop some new talent. Hey, I reckon I could do a pretty good job… Some day maybe…

    On a final note, I also watched the “2009 Logies – In Memoriam” clip. I’ve never stopped thinking about the death of Richard Marsland. I found this footage very bizarre as well, as it was only in July last year that I was having lunch with him, having no less than an in-depth discussion about how bad the 2008 Logies were… No kidding (about the conversation. But also, the Logies were awful) I think I even remember talking about how there’s always a couple of deceased people who receive a bigger applause during the memorial. Can you believe that? You know, it is actually pretty disrepectful to all the other lesser-known TV people who’ve died, but I guess we can’t help showing our appreciation to certain individuals we really like.

    And good on Bill Collins for being accepted into the Logies Hall of Fame. I like him too and he certainly deserves it.

    So in conclusion… In my opinion, the Logies were mostly crap, but when you look at Australian television, indeed, it’s mostly crap. So what do you expect? Some may say my review has been somewhat biased, but hey, like I said… I didn’t even really watch it!

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    If you enjoyed the Logies, please write to me and tell me why. I’m interested.

  • Witty ’80s TV Commercial Nerd

    Salutations viewer!

    David M. Green here. I was recently looking through an old cupboard and I found an equally old VHS tape of the 1985 Australian Grand Prix. Upon viewing the tape for nostalgic purposes, I noticed the original TV commercials, which were also included on the tape, were repeatedly ridiculous, and therefore worthy of ridicule. Thus the above “straight-to-YouTube” sketch, made for your amusement. It’s kind of like YouTube’s “Angry Video Game Nerd” but wittier and less angry… and not about video games obviously… Equally as nerdy of course. Enjoy.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    (Insert classical music here)