David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Tag: SA

  • VHS Revue 26 – The Spy Who Loved Me (2000)

    Highlights from a 2000 VHS tape of the 1977 Bond film “The Spy Who Loved Me”. Presented by David M. Green.

    Featuring:
    – Bond Brexit metaphor
    – Mitsubishi TVC featuring Bond gun barrel
    – State Library of South Australia TVC
    – Plasflo TVC featuring shit jingle
    – Pizza Haven Big Hawaiian Holiday TVC with Seinfeld tie-in
    – Plant Liquidators fire sale TVC
    – Mitsubishi “tick” TVC
    – Liquor Smart TVC (also with a “tick” gesture)
    – Natural Gas “Everybody Loves Gas” TVC
    – Unreal Ads & It Happened On Holiday Promo
    – Unreal TV Adults Only Promo
    – Motorola TVC featuring horny tortoise
    – Roger Moore cardboard cameo
    – STD gag outtakes

    Footage recorded from Channel Ten Adelaide, 2000 and used here for review, parody and satirical purposes.

    Special thanks to Alexis Kotlowy, John Hnatowych & Hannah Green.

    VHS Revue Links:

    -DMG

  • Melbourne Motorist

    I am once again behind the wheel!

    After a year in Melbourne relying solely on Melbourne’s ample rail and light rail to travel predominantly to and from the city, I’ve caved in to my old Adelaide ways and purchased my third Toyota Corolla. This one a 2000 Toyota Corolla Ascent.

    Bring on adventures in suburbia!

    Buying a car is no easy task. I wanted to get it done as quickly as possible, so I found a car I liked, called the owner, gave it a test drive and agreed to pay him the advertised price of $7999.

    In hindsight this was possibly a little hasty, as it turns out the maximum I can insure this car for is $6100… Although it did come with custom wheels and a few months of registration (and had only done 67,000km in 10 years). I just hope to God nothing happens to it in the next year, so I can get my money’s worth.

    Let’s get something straight. Cars are horrible investments.

    They cost a fortune to purchase. They cost a fortune to run. And they only go down in value.

    However, they do buy time and convenience. And that’s tricky to put a price on.

    Of course, this has already been one expensive exercise…

    In addition to the cost of the car, comprehensive insurance for 6 months was $524.70 and registration transfer and stamp duty cost another $352.90. Jesus. And the previous owner generously left me no petrol. Is it too much to ask for a quarter of a tank?

    And I’ve already discovered first hand the insanely frustrating bureaucratic machine that is VicRoads…

    I had to go into the Carlton office THREE times before I was able to give them the registration transfer papers and pay the stamp duty. Firstly I went in, with all the correct paperwork (properly filled in, I might add…), and they wouldn’t accept my South Australian driver’s licence as a legitimate form of ID. Not Victorian enough. I needed something with my current address on it.

    So I returned later that day, but the line was too long, and after waiting in the appointment line, so I could make an appointment to come back and wait in line later, I realised I would be late for what turned out to be a fruitless job interview, unless I left immediately.

    The next day I once again trudged into VicRoads, and this time I cleared my whole day, which I suggest you do too if you ever need to go in there.

    Handed over my forms. Forked over $352.90 for no obvious reason. Then the lady there asks me when I want to schedule another appointment to change my South Australian licence over to a Victorian one.

    “Well… do I have to? I’ve still got five years left on my SA licence?”

    She replies, “By law if you have a car registered in Victoria you have to have a Victorian driver’s licence. You have 3 months to change it over.”

    It was an odd feeling at that moment. I actually felt a small wave of sadness sweep over me.

    I would have to give up the last trace of my South Australian identity. Literally, I would have to forfeit the licence that I’d carried in my wallet since 2006:

    I’m not ashamed of where I come from. I do of course prefer my life here in Melbourne to Adelaide. This is more than that. This is about who I am.

    I’m already enrolled to vote in Victoria. I have a Victorian student card and a Victorian transport concession card. But this was the last proof that I had that I was an outsider.

    DO YOU REALISE WHAT THIS MEANS!?!

    David M. Green is now a Victorian. The number plate proves it. And If I ever drive back to SA, I will be treated as such: a “Bloody Victorian”.

    Well, I guess it’s but a small price to pay for the convenience of car ownership.

    It’s increased the range of jobs for which I can apply. It’s meant I’ve been able to spontaneously visit friends in hard-to-reach suburbs like Kew and Mt Waverly. And I’ve already given a friend a lift to the airport. And that’s quite a gesture in Melbourne.

    $8876.60 well spent.

    However… I do really need a job now… Anyone?

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Who’s gonna drive ya home… tonight?

  • December in Adelaide Part 1 (with medicine!)

    On December 2nd, I jetted back to Adelaide for 10 days of R&R. And I tell ya, a week and a bit of driving a car with the ’80s new wave music blasting; long lunches at Subway, taking advantage of the plentiful booth seating and free soft drink refills (regardless of which size drink you order… I’m looking at YOU Melbourne subway restaurants…); walking around Seacliff, Glenelg, Blackwood and the CBD; and just hangin’ out with old friends is just what I needed!

    I swore I wouldn’t become one of these Adelaide ex-pats, who go on and on in a culturally cringe-worthy manor about all things SA; Stobey Poles, frog cakes, Farmer’s Union Iced Coffees and the like. But to be honest, seeing all these things again was quite comforting. Adelaide is my home town, and it seems only now that I’m no longer a resident, but rather a visitor, that I’m starting to appreciate it.

    Don’t get me wrong, I prefer to LIVE in Melbourne. But it is good to get away from the hustle and bustle once in a while and reconnect with my roots. Keep it real, if you will.

    I made sure to take advantage of my good friend Tim Wray’s generosity and access to hospital attire, and caught a refurbished 3000 Class train to the beautiful Adelaide Oval for Day 4 of The Ashes 2nd cricket test (England vs Australia).

    We were going for a “we’ve just left a patient on the operating table for a minute to attend the cricket” kinda look. It’s that sort of line between cricket tragic and malpractice minefield that makes a true sports fan.

    We may have looked a bit silly, but when the rain came, turned out the scrubs were waterproof, so that was a plus.

    Here’s a quick video I shot. You can hear the Barmy Army singing Joy Division:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gydXVld_KoE

    Also, at one point the camera guys took a break from filming the guy with the bow tie and the horse head (I think his name is Alcopop?) and put US on the big screen! I don’t believe we were broadcast on TV though.

    I particularly like this photo. With the light tower, it sort of looks like we’re performing surgery on someone, from the patient’s perspective… and maybe we were?

    Speaking of healthcare, I also took the opportunity while I was in town to donate some more of my blood. I went with my sister Hannah to the Pirie Street Red Cross, purveyors of fine bloods. It was her first time. It was my 2nd. Both extractions went off without a stich… hitch… And good news for me: No HIV!

    I also caught up with Radio’s Alex Williamson and Nick Godfrey to discuss filming some more Too Easy episodes. I’m going back to Adelaide for a week over Christmas. We’re planning on filming 3, possibly 4 new episodes. And there’s a couple of big names who might just be making a surprise guest appearance… Billy Joel as Toby’s long lost jazz piano-playing half-brother? Florence Henderson as Adrian’s Brady Bunch-esque Step-Mother? Josh Thomas for no reason? Or… BOMBSHELL! Toby has a daughter?!?

    Stay tuned…

    I’m back in Melbourne now for my RMIT graduation ceremony. Then it’s back to Adelaide for Christmas. Talk to you all again soon.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    And that’s where babies come from… The Internet.

  • Local Boy Makes Goo(d)

    Ahoy hoy,

    After 10 days in Melbourne, I flew back to Adelaide on Tuesday to perform stand-up at the first of the two South Australian Raw Comedy semi-finals at The Arkabar.

    My good friend Adam Navarro picked me up from the airport (not a huge gesture in Adelaide, as the airport is so close, unlike most other major cities, with the exception of Sao Paulo, Brazil, for the airport buffs playing along at home, presumably with themselves…) and we had a delicious lunch at Jetty Road, Brighton. When I got to my family home I realised how totally exhausted I was. Physically and emotionally. It’s just been completely full on the last 10 days. I haven’t had a chance to properly relax since I arrived in Melbourne. But there was no time to rest as I had to get ready for my evening gig.

    I’d never been to The Arkabar before. I must say it’s quite a nice place. I like the booths and dim lighting particularly. Apparently the place has a reputation for being a haven for mature single ladies, or a “Grab a Granny” hotspot as they say. There weren’t many there last night. It was mostly very young, very “cool” suburban types. And I think we all know how I feel about these people…

    Similar to last year’s Raw Comedy venture, crowd reaction wasn’t nearly as favourable at the semi-final, compared to the qualifying heat night. Different crowd. As soon as I started I knew it wasn’t going to be as smashing a success as January 28th. Although I did get laughs, and I was quite satisfied with my performance, I saw a lot of faces in the audience that appeared to say “what the hell is this?” Another problem: it was a pretty big room, and my “snowglobe bit” wasn’t as effective because the prop is too small and the room too big. It’s more suited to a small room with an intimate audience, possibly even in a romantic way…

    So anyway, I didn’t make it to the state final. To tell you the truth I’m a little relieved, as now I won’t have to miss out on any uni! When I arrived at The Arkabar last night I felt awful. I could literally feel the tears welling behind my eyes. I did feel better after my spot though (surprisingly). Although I guess I always feel good after a gig… except for that time at The Star Theatre where I forgot my routine and stood there silently for 30 seconds. I felt awful after that. But this time I felt good. And it was great to hang out and chat with my good friends Tim Wray and Nick Godfrey. My good friends are very important to me (and my emotional stability). The original plan was actually to fly back to Melbourne today, but when I got to Adelaide the thought of going back straight away suddenly seemed unnecessary, so my Mum very generously re-booked my return flight for Thursday (incurring a costly cancellation penalty from the good people at Qantas). But God, I really needed today just to recover. I really needed it. I often forget how important “down time” is for me. I like to sit in a comfy chair and just think, or pace around my room talking to myself. I’ve been a bit self-conscious about doing that in the Altona house due to its paper-thin walls, and also out of respect for my fellow house mates, although I believe they already think I’m a bit… “odd” for lack of a better word.

    And so, I commit the video footage of this routine, which I call “Medical Oddities,” to the Internet. Of course, to make me look “more gooder” I’ve uploaded the footage from the heat night on January 28th 2010 at The Rhino Room, which was exceptionally well-received by the audience:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WmdTp97X9oA

    What a great night. Actually, last night was pretty good too. Best of “well done” to the other comedians who performed that night. I particularly enjoyed Aaron Nobes. That guy cracks me up, hehe. I think I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again; he’s like a young Tony Martin. And congratulations to him and the other 4 comedians who made it through to the state final. I can’t seem to find a list of the comedians who performed last night, so apologies for not knowing more names. There was a guy with a guitar who I thought was quite funny, Peter Beaglehall (I think). I must admit (again and again) I don’t particularly enjoy what many consider to be “good” stand-up. My comic preferences lie more towards sketch comedy, radio, sitcoms and obscure things that make me think and possibly laugh many hours/days later. But I do recognise that the comedians who got through last night did display competent skills in the field of stand-uppery. Great stage presence, engagement with the audience, etc. all that crap. So good on them.

    I return to Melbourne tomorrow. I think it would be a wasted opportunity if I didn’t try stand-up in Melbourne at least a couple of times. Hmm… stay tuned…

    Oh yes, and here’s a good photo of me from Heat #3 taken by friend and former Palace Nova Cinema colleague Gabbie Zizzo:

    See you all in Melbourne! Well… not everyone (obviously).

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    I like Stobey Poles. Very orderly. Soothing.

  • Week of Things

    Greetings all,

    It’s been a turbulent week for David M. Green (me). Let’s start with the good news… I won my raw comedy heat! I attended heat #3 at Adelaide’s “The Rhino Room” just one day shy of exactly one year since my appearance at Raw Comedy 2009. I was surprised with how well I was received by the packed room. I guess you go over the routine in your head so many times beforehand that it loses all meaning and you can’t remember why you thought it was funny. Here’s a still of me in action:

    Of the 9 stand-up appearances I’ve made so far, I do believe Thursday night was my best. I think I’ve “found myself.” I compared this year’s video with last year’s and I suddenly had a new perspective. I immediately thought of my 2009 appearance: “Wow… I was really awkward, and not that funny.” I was doing a more bumbling version of myself, whereas this year I was just me and I took a more personal approach with my material (and not in a disgusting way) that I think set me apart from the other comedians. So anyway, I was declared one of the two winners for the evening, which means I’ve made it through to the semi-finals. Slight complication, I’m moving to Melbourne in 2 weeks and the South Australian Raw Comedy semi-finals are in 3 weeks, and in Adelaide (obviously), so I guess I’ll have to come back for the day. If my next appearance goes as well as the heat, it’ll certainly be worth it. Of course, that’s never a given…

    Like all my stand-up appearances, this one was recorded in video form. However, as I have to do the same routine at the semi-finals, I’ll hold off uploading it to YouTube (to avoid further joke spoilage). Stay tuned for more details…

    In other news, less success on the “living close to the Melbourne CBD” quest, but that’s okay, because I’m actually really looking forward to spending more time with two former Adelaidean friends of friends (who, at a personal request, wish to remain nameless) in their fine Altona abode. Along with the reduced rent comes a quiet suburban house with good (albeit anonymous) company. It will be similar to the Adelaide set-up I’ve got now, living in Seacliff and working in the city. Living in Altona and working/studying in the Melbourne CBD won’t be too difficult to adjust to, as these maps illustrate…

    Interestingly, both suburbs are about 14km from their respective central business districts. However, I couldn’t take that exact route seeing as though helicopters are unaffordable at this stage in my entertainment career. From my house in Seacliff to the single Adelaide Railway Station it’s about 20-25 minutes on an express train (40 minutes stopping all stations). To catch the train from Altona to the underground Melbourne Central Station, right across the street from RMIT, it’s 25 minutes stopping all stations! Electrification is certainly the way to go. Of course, if you’re a motorist, Adelaide does have its advantages; abundant cheap parking, no toll roads and an easy-to-navigate grid system that puts Melbourne’s suburban layout to shame. It’s only 20 minutes to drive from my house to Adelaide. As a thrifty individual at the best of times, I certainly couldn’t see myself taking the tolled West Gate Freeway/Citylink when I’m a poor student again. I’m planning on selling my car anyway and relying purely on trains and trams. Don’t much care for buses though. However, on a side note I was shocked to discover that as a post-graduate student I’m NOT entitled to a student concession fare! Even though I’m a full fee-paying ($12,000), full-time student I still have to pay full price for train tickets. That’s ridiculous. I shall be joining the next protest meeting… assuming it’s not to expensive to get there.

    In Palace Nova cinema news, I found out yesterday that I won a little staff competition they were running. I had the highest average candy bar sale over the December/January period, entitling me to a $300 Myer voucher! This’ll certainly come in handy for buying furniture (possibly a bed) in Melbourne. It makes a nice going away present, actually. I handed in my letter of resignation a few days ago. It was sad. I’d never actually written a resignation letter before. I seem to have a history of ending employment through just having my shifts stop (Kmart), the store closing down (GameTraders) or being replaced with a computer (SAFM). This was the first great job I actually had to leave under my own accord.

    But now for some sadder news. After a little over 2 years, Jemima and I decided to end our relationship on Friday. This had been a long time coming, as I’ve been planning on moving to Melbourne for many months and we had already decided we didn’t want to “settle down” together. It’s been a fantastic 2 years and I’m certainly a much richer person for having known her. I’d be happy to write her a letter of recommendation.

    Understandably this week has been quite stressful for me. From my whirlwind visit to Melbourne, to the nerves of preparing for the Raw Comedy stand-up, breaking up with Jemima and quitting my fabulous cinema job. I’ve done a lot of walking and not had much of an appetite so I’ve lost a bit of weight. I’m actually feeling rather sick right now with a sore throat and that “stuffed-up” feeling. This used to happen to me after my first university exams. Your immune system fights it off until the hard work is finally finished, then you get ill.

    Actually, I kinda like it when I’m nervous and stressed-out because that means I’m breaking new ground and challenging myself. It’s a good thing.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    One stand-up guy.