David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Tag: sex

  • My, that’s a nice profile

    Here’s a poem I wrote about online dating. Chicks dig poetry, right?

    “My, that’s a nice profile”
    By David M. Green

    I wonder why
    She wants a guy
    To treat her like a princess?

    I staked out her home.
    I tapped her phone.
    I chased her through a tunnel…
    But nevertheless,
    She did not accept my contact request.

    She has a plan
    To find a man
    Who knows exactly what he wants.

    But I know what I want
    I conveyed it via font
    “I’d love to meet up sometime.”
    From the debutante,
    Only a response that was nonchalant.

    It must be a ploy
    To befriend a boy
    With photos so revealing.

    She looks like a chick
    Who goes to bed quick
    “Oh I’m not that kind of girl”
    I get the feeling,
    She finds me not the least bit appealing.

    Her profile’s been viewed
    By many a dude
    I’m in with the latest batch.

    She likes to par-tee.
    She enjoys a DVD.
    Who doesn’t enjoy those things?
    With such a high match,
    How can she think I’m not a great catch?

    Now this one gal
    From my locale
    Claims to have an open mind.

    Now, she’s not into sleaze.
    And no Indians please.
    Must have job and must have beard.
    I suspect I’ll find…
    That my witty request has been declined.

    With constant ignoring
    Online dating’s boring.
    Eyes hurt from the black and white.

    No wonder men feel inept.
    When no lady will accept.
    I should just delete this thing…
    Oh my God! A bite!
    And how are you on this Saturday night? 🙂

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    See you online. Oh wait, we’re already there.

  • Lights, Camera, Maction! Ep #3

    YEEEEESSSSSS! It’s episode #3 of Sam Mac’s “Lights, Camera, Maction!” aka “LCM” aka “Maction!”

    This one guest stars TV’s Charlie Pickering, as well as myself and the lovely Minky Cooper. In my “Stuff Girls Like” segment this week/month, I explore the bikini… Ohoho yeah.

    Thanks again to Simon Eastwood’s fabulous camera and focusing skills.

    This one was much easier to film than the “Lipstick” one we did in episode #1, which required stock footage of a fire truck. The only issue with this one was finding somewhere to film it without anyone asking questions about what the hell we were doing… You’ll understand once you see the video.

    Enjoy!

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Over to you, Alex Williamson! Tag team!

  • TANGS Ep 1-8: Norman Vine’s Plus Sized Love Dolls

    The All New Garage Show

    Starring
    Gerald Field-Mann & Kevin Callahan

    Episode 1 – 8: Norman Vine’s Plus Sized Love Dolls

    Kevin chats to billionaire businessman Norman Vine about his new line of Love Dolls.

    Another pointless project by David M. Green & Lachlan Cowlishaw

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Dolls may contain asbestos.

  • Stand-up Trip to Lol-Ville. Population: Hilarity.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJnM1woqM-Q

    Hello!

    David M. Green here in blog form. What a turbulent week… I did some stand-up comedy on Saturday night at the “Star Theatre” in Adelaide’s fabulous western suburbs. It didn’t go so well. Maybe it was the atmosphere. Maybe it was the audience. But most likely, it was because I freaking forgot the damn routine and just stood there silently for 30 seconds trying to remember my next joke. Actually, that was definitely it….

    So needless to say I was feeling pretty down all week: Cognitive dissonance at work, people. Allow me to illustrate… I, David M. Green, believe that I am funny. However, on Saturday I did some stand-up and I bombed, mainly due to personal incompetence (Just for something different, I thought if I practiced LESS it would make for a more spontaneous performance. Instead, I couldn’t remember what I was going to say). Then there’s a conflict between my personal belief (ie. I’m funny) and reality (ie. I suck). And as in this biz, you’re only as good as your last ‘gig,’ for most of the week, I was a complete hack.

    However, last night at the Rhino Room, I had another go. The routine was about 50% the same material, but the material I did repeat I re-worded for maximum comedy output. And this time, I killed! Everything just worked. The audience was great. The other comics were quite good for a “new-comedy” night. It was fantastic. So, dissonance corrected, confidence restored, reputation redeemed and self-esteem reacquired. If you haven’t watched it already, you can view the GOOD stand-up performance at the top of this blog entry. Your comments and feedback are always appreciated.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Apologies to the Royal Society for the Blind

  • The Best of Norman Vine

    Hello! Here they are, for your convenience, the funniest of the baker’s dozen or so On The Yacht AM-radio-commercial-parody-sketches that featured sex-crazed self-made man, Norman Vine. Click on the titles below to hear them, or right click and ‘save as.’ It’ll be the funniest (at times) 8 minutes and 8 seconds of your day…

    Vine & Hedges Cigars
    Vine & Hedges Cigarettes for Pets
    Norman Vine’s Medium Class Escorts
    Vine & Hedges Collectable Ash-Trays
    Vine World!
    Vine & Hedges Lung Transplants
    Vine Wineries

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    I in no way endorse smoking (See 2 posts ago).