David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Tag: TV

  • David M. Green. Ballarat. WIN!

    What a week!

    Greetings. Forgive my absence. Just got back from Ballarat yesterday for my week of work placement with the WIN TV News team, organised through RMIT for my post-graduate diploma in journalism. In summary… awesome.

    Allow me to start from the beginning…

    Last Sunday, after buying two new ties suitable for television, I left Melbourne for Ballarat on a $7 V-line train ticket…

    On the train ride I spent most of the journey chatting with a very nice lady named Dona, a resident of Ballarat, about various topics related to our respected lives. When we arrived in Ballarat she very generously let me ride in her taxi to my motel. She gave me her card and told me to call her later in the week to “catch up”. Nice town so far!

    The motel that was to be my home for the next 6 days was the Ballarat Mid-City Motor Inn:

    The support beams covered in gold tiles, brown-themed interior, bubble-shaped furniture and choice of font gives the place a 1960s Vegas feel, which I for one very much enjoyed…

    On Sunday night I seemed to be the only person staying there, so I had the buffet breakfast the next morning all to myself, which highlighted another problem with travelling alone: being forced to take my own pictures of myself, which after a while does become tedious:

    I tried walking to the WIN TV station on the first day but turns out it’s 3km… It looked a lot closer on Google Maps…

    I considered hiring a car but it would cost $200, plus a $200 deposit, and the only place I found that would rent a car to someone under 25 operated on a “cash only” basis.

    I woke up Monday morning intending to do it, but on my way there I came to the conclusion I couldn’t be bothered, so just caught taxis to the TV station and bummed a lift back to town from a different reporter every day.

    And thus I arrived at WIN.

    WIN TV is Australia’s largest commercial television network, and has one of the largest broadcast areas of any TV network in the world. However, due to the low population density of regional Australia, their maximum theoretical viewership is about 5 million.

    Forgive the bad reflection on this diagram (Tasmania should be completely blue)…

     

    So, first day with the WIN News team: tiring. It had been a long time since I’d worked a full day. By about 2:30 I was just about falling asleep! Plus there was a lot of information to take in. And I wasn’t quite sure what I was supposed to be doing…

    I tagged along with reporter Nathan Tanti and camera-man Matt McKinley while they did a few interviews and got some vision for the evening’s bulletin.

     

    As the week went on I tagged along with all of the Ballarat reporters at least once. They work very hard out in the country. The reporters generally do two stories everyday. The capital city reporters for Nine, Seven, Ten, etc. have the luxury of only having to do one, generally.

    So I got out and about sitting in the back of the white WIN News four-wheel-drives. I got to see a lot of Ballarat and the surrounding areas, which was pretty cool…

     

    Plus I didn’t have to pay to get into Sovereign Hill!

    Ballarat is the central WIN News station for all of Victoria. Every weekday, Ballarat coordinates six local news bulletins for Victoria’s six regional markets: Bendigo, Albury, Shepparton, Mildura, Traralgon and of course, Ballarat, which has the studio facilities:

    That means that anchorman Bruce Roberts reads six pre-recorded news bulletins a day. That’s 30 news bulletins a week!

    Bruce is a class act. Fantastic voice and delivery. Cares deeply about the news. And the nicest guy in the world. I watched him read the news “live” in the studio:

    And then again on my motel TV:

    Except for Friday, when acting news director Jeff Sly filled in…

    Jeff’s got a great voice too. In fact, I was very impressed with the professionalism of everyone at WIN News. The journalists and camera guys, the guys in the control rooms, were all just fantastic. Great people and a pleasure to work with.

    And they make a quality product. It’s the only local television news service in regional Victoria. Not even the ABC does that…

    By about Wednesday I was feeling a bit more confident and got my head around the ENPS news software they use at WIN (industry standard, apparently). I started writing news briefs for the bulletin – short 15 second summaries to be read out during the “regional round-up” section of the news.

    It was pretty cool writing stuff and then seeing Bruce read it on the air!

    Then on Thursday the highlight of the week occurred. I accompanied Nathan Tanti to the Ballarat court. There were two cases on in different courts at the same time, so he covered the more important one in the County Court and I sat in on the one in the Magistrate’s Court.

    My guy got bail, and very quickly left the dock and walked out. We weren’t really prepared for this and didn’t have a camera guy with us. Nathan was still in the other court, so I called Jonothan “Jono” Kendall at the news desk and he sent a camera down. Dan arrived just in time to get some vision of the guy leaving the court with his family. Bang! We had a television news story!

    Got back to the office and I wrote a 30 second RVO (Reader Voice Over) story to go with the footage. Bruce read it out on the news that night!It was an exhilarating feeling. Probably the greatest moment in my journalism career up to this moment…

    Later in the week I also caught up with Dona from the train. She runs a bar called “Portico” on Dana Street. She very generously invited me along to a friendly get-together with some of her friends and family. There’s nothing like travelling alone to force you to talk to total strangers.

    I also ate dinner in an Indian restaurant with a gentleman named Karl, who would also have otherwise dined alone. Very good company.

    On Friday night I also briefly hung out with some drunk girls staying in another room at the motel. That was all right for a laff… and a couple of photos…

    And that just about wrapped it up.

    Bit slow to start with but by the end of the week I was sourcing stories and writing them and they were actually going to air. I voiced a few packaged stories as well just for my showreel. They were a bit understaffed this week with a few people on holiday, so they didn’t have time to edit any of my unnecessary extra work. Hopefully I’ll get a DVD in the mail this week.

    I caught a train back across the plain in the rain, as I took vain self-portrait photos:

    But yes, television news is something I very much enjoyed, and if last week’s experience has taught me nothing else, it’s that I can do it, and I like it.

    Thank you very much to the good people at WIN TV Ballarat for showing me the intricacies of their industry, and to Mandy Crane at RMIT for setting it all up for me, and of course to my Mother for paying for the motel room.

    Now I’m back in Melbourne. The search for full time work in broadcast continues…

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    WIN News… just for the week.

  • TANGS Ep 1-3: Studio tour

    The All New Garage Show

    Starring
    Gerald Field-Mann & Kevin Callahan

    Episode 1 – 3: Studio Tour

    An intimate look at The All New Garage Show set-up.

    Another pointless project by David M. Green & Lachlan Cowlishaw

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    T-shirts also available.

  • The Glamorous World of Television

    Hello!

    It’s been quite a turbulent month. I’ll start this blog entry with some words of wisdom from my first hand personal experience, for anyone with an interest in joining the hideous bitch goddess that is, “show biz”:

    1. Don’t ever write a review.

    Just don’t do it. Unless you want to write reviews for a living. Or, if you feel you must write a review, don’t write a bad review. Even more specifically, don’t ever write a review of someone you may have to work with in the future. Even if it’s not a bad review, I’d say best to avoid it all together and keep your opinions to yourself. And be wary of fragile egos. But of course, if you want to be the next David Stratton, then go nuts! You might want to grow a beard too.

    2. Don’t under-estimate the power of the telephone.

    90% of people won’t pick up the phone and call someone if there’s a problem. They’ll prefer a passive-aggressive email, or even worse, a text message. Leave those forms of communication where they belong, in the bedroom. If you want to get things done, pick up the phone. It’s instant. It’s intimidating. All the celebrities are doing it.

    3. Be nice to everyone, but don’t take any crap from anyone. (Thanks for that one Dad!)

    You’ve got to be nice to people. Even if they’re not nice back, make sure you can always say you treated them with respect first. But of course, there are always going to be incompetent people in this industry who will try to take advantage of you. Work out where your limits are. If they start pushing you a bit too far, ask yourself if you’re content to put up with that forever? If someone’s outta line, tell it to ’em straight. And don’t swear at anyone. Ever. It’s unprofessional. Stick to legitimate comments. For example, call them unprofessional! However, most likely you won’t be in the position of power, so be prepared to eat dirt for a while until the incompetence and unprofessionalism of others catches up to them.

    4. Get in with the crew.

    Television (and films) generally have large crews. Crew people are the best people. They get the job done and without them, it wouldn’t be TV. It’d be someone posting a video blog on YouTube. Help out with the crew. Put in the hard yards with them and you’ll get respect. From everyone. And for the love of God… Don’t f*** with their equipment!

    5. Not everyone likes critical feedback and constructive criticism.

    I love it myself. However, unless someone asks you two or three times for critical feedback, don’t give it to them. ESPECIALLY if you don’t know them! Remember, fragile egos in this biz.

    6. Don’t believe everything everyone says.

    A lot of people will make a lot of wild promises. Don’t count on all of them coming through. Unless the contact is in your hands and they’re asking for your signature, assume there’s only a slight chance of it actually happening.

    These are just a few things that may or may not have any relevance to recent events in my life… And now for an update on what I’m up to:

    Catalyst
    Read a condensed transcript of my interview with Tim Vine in edition 3 of RMIT’s Catalyst Magazine. Hard copies available from the various Melbourne campuses. There doesn’t seem to be an online copy, but you may as well just listen to the audio version right here. No plans to write anything else soon (especially any reviews!).

    RMITV
    I’m very excited to be helping out on “Late Night Tonight” this week. It’s a parody of a late night talk show. I’ll be operating camera two, presumably pointing it at host Michael Lanzer (Channel 31’s “The Inquiry”).

    I was previously going to be involved with “Studio A”. However that doesn’t appear to be happening any more. Particularly disappointing considering that show alone was one of the big selling points of moving to Melbourne. On the other hand, it didn’t look like I would have had much creative input as “script editor”. But anyway, I wish them all the best. They’re okay.

    Recent events and pep-talks from certain individuals have encouraged me to use my time in Melbourne and access to RMIT’s fabulous student television facilities wisely. After all, as much as I’d love to stay in Melbourne, it will all come down to where the jobs are at the end of the year. So my good friend Lachlan Cowlishaw and myself are going to make our own comedy show pilot. A 22-minute show incorporating single camera sketches and multi-camera studio pieces. Hey! Why not? That’ll be a goal for the year. Get that done. If nothing else, hopefully we’ll be able to say we made something funny and put it on the Internet. I can also confirm right now that at the request of Mr Nick Godfrey, the show WILL have a puppet.

    Stand-up
    I’m doing stand-up at The Comic’s Lounge on fabulous Errol Street, North Melbourne this evening. 8:30pm. Feel free to come along. It’ll be the first time I’ve done it in Melbourne. I can get five people in for free so let me know if you want in.

    Too Easy
    Yes, the webseries I filmed with Alex “Shooter” Willamson back in January is just about edited and the first two episodes will hopefully be online within the next few days, closely followed by the four other episodes of Season 1.

    Radio
    I’ve completed the compulsory training that one requires if one is to be a broadcaster at SYN, RMIT’s student radio station. I tried to get out of it, but ironically it was easier to get on-air via this 4-week training course, as opposed to simply providing a link to this website with my 100+ hours of radio experience. The facilities are lacking a decent soundboard/cart-rack programme to play sound effects, so I’m on the lookout for a version for my laptop. If anyone has any software options they can suggest I’d love to hear them. Hopefully get back on-air sometime soon, even if it’s just a graveyard 2am-6am one just for fun. Any excuse to subject others to obscure ’80s New Wave music!

    Voice-Over
    I recently did a voice-over for Riverside Plaza, Queanbeyan. So if you live in the A.C.T. and would like to hear my best David Attenborough impression, tune in on Mix106.3. Special thanks to Radio’s Michael Princi for that one.

    And that video game I did some voices for back in December has finally been released. Download “Sunset Studio – Behind the Scenes!” from this link right here. I’m not sure where exactly my voice appears in the game but I do know it’s the “science-fiction movie scene”. I’m eager to see/hear it myself! If anyone makes it that far into the game PLEASE let me know!

    Miscellaneous
    In other news I’m coming back to Adelaide for 2 weeks! I’ll be there from June 24 to July 8. It’ll be great to see the ol’ gang again. I’ll probably have a gathering in the city to catch up with everyone en mass in one big burst of socialisation. But if you want to book in a lunch or something, just give me a dial.

    Anyway, must tend to my life. Excuse me.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Can’t wait for DEVO’s first new album since 1990! “Something for Everybody” comes out next week!

  • Comedy for the Working Man

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kLYToFDTkI&feature=player_profilepage

    Hey Hey!

    I did a spot of stand-up again last night. Thought I’d talk about my job at the cinema a little this time, so I did… I hope it doesn’t lead to my firing, like the last time I did workplace-related humour… Triple J’s Dave Callan did a great job hosting the evening. I actually thought I was on 3rd, but someone didn’t show up so I was surprised when my name was announced. Smiddy didn’t have the camera ready, as it was still in my bag, so the first 15 seconds or so wasn’t recorded (but those opening jokes fell flat anyway!). It was a very casual, laid-back evening of entertainment. Please enjoy.

    Oh yes, while I’m here, I watched John Safran’s Race Relations on ABC TV this week. Hilarious! By far the best Australian show I’ve seen all year. Wasn’t impressed much with the show on before it “Hungry Beast” (which I actually auditioned for under the show’s previous title of “Project Next”). It seemed like a bunch of journalism students trying to be the next “Chaser,” but very wooden and bland and not particularly funny. And I’m not just saying that because I was looked over for a hosting gig… stupid stuffed shirts wouldn’t let me on their crappy show for jerks… Na, they’re okay.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Several projects in the pipeline

  • 2009 Logies Review from a Non-viewer

    Hello,

    The 51st Annual TV Week Logie Awards: Australian television’s “night of nights.” I didn’t watch it. I was working. But if I wasn’t working, I may have had it on in the background… maybe… as I heard Shaun Micallef was presenting an award, and I tend to go out of my way to watch, listen or read anything with his name on it… I really haven’t been following it (the Logie thing) at all, eg. the nominees, the voting. I didn’t even know who hosted it until today (Gretel Killeen?!? Jesus… but more on that in a moment). I barely watch any free-to-air TV, not to mention any Australian shows. Even if I wanted to mention some, I’d have trouble, seeing as though I don’t watch any. Nor do I attend water cooler conversations. I’m usually oblivious to what’s “hot” on commercial TV. If anything important happens I usually discover it on the Internet before it appears on TV anyway… BUT… why am I bothering to contribute to the already numerous blog entries and articles out there pointing out how terrible the Logies were? Especially seeing as though I didn’t even watch it? Why? I’ll tell you why… It’s because I myself want to know “why?” Why does TV keep doing this? What do the decision-makers expect when they get Gretel Killeen to host it?!?

    I did watch Gretel’s intro on YouTube. Okay, so I didn’t quite “not watch” the whole thing. I lied slightly… But if that’s how the Logies started, I’m guessing that’s how the rest of it went: Weak material, phoney presenting and lame jokes from a host no one liked. And Gretel Killeen, as far as I can recall, hasn’t done anything on TV since the 2007 season of Big Brother. Why bring her back now? Just… why? Now… I’m not one for slandering people on the Internet, but JESUS H. CHRIST WHO COULD HAVE POSSIBLY THOUGHT THAT GRETEL KILLEEEN WOULD BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN APPALLING!?!?! Is the person who rubber-stamped that one TRYING to get fired? Who out there thought: “Hey, Gretel Killeen is hosting? Thank God, the Logies have been saved!”

    I of course also watched the short clip of Shaun Micallef presenting the award for best miniseries or telemovie. Hilarious. Shaun is fantastic. He’s properly funny, and it’s still my opinion that the BEST Logies were back in 2001 when Shaun himself was the host. He says it’s a tough room. I’m sure he’s right. But I myself am a tough room, not in the literal sense of course. But I can completely relate to being in an audience watching someone who’s not funny. When I’m in that situation, I generally don’t laugh. I would never expect someone to laugh unless something that was said or done was actually funny. It’s a pretty simple equation. Funny host = entertainment. Gretel Killeen isn’t funny. But brace yourself, because here’s something really bizarre… 

    Now, I don’t usually link to videos on my blog that aren’t my own, but I’ll break with tradition here because I’ve noticed something very interesting I’d like to draw to everyone’s attention. Here’s Gretel’s intro clip I saw. Have a look at this… (If it’s been taken down, try searching for “Gretel’s 2009 Logies intro” on YouTube or something)

    [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qj-G1dMpJ7k[/youtube]

    Okay. Did you notice Gretel was “shot” there and she fell over? Pretty funny right? Not particularly. And when you think about it… she kinda exploded… That’s really quite horrible. Not to mention confusing. I don’t even really know what she was going for… If anyone can explain it to me, please go ahead.

    But now for the bizarre thing I promised. Something about Gretel falling over and pretending to be dead at the Logies reminded me of something… Something from a long time ago. 8 years ago to be precise. I have a scrap book at home with various newspaper clippings, and I found this one from The Adelaide Advertiser circa March 2001, printed the week before Shaun Micallef was to host the Logies:

    If the font’s too small (and fair comment), click on the article and you’ll be taken to a larger version. High Definition Newspapers: The future is now. But anyway, the relevant part of the article I wish to draw your attention to is basically the first two paragraphs, which read:

    “COMEDIAN Shaun Micallef wanted to try something different to start the annual Logie award presentation this year. ‘I wanted to walk out on stage and begin my introduction spiel and then, about a minute into my dialogue, collapse on to the ground,’ Micallef recalls.
    ‘I thought it would be great if the network could ‘temporarily’ stop broadcast, go to a test pattern or something and then come back to me with a bandage or whatever around my head and have me continue the show.’
    Needless to say the producers disagreed.”

    Now hang on… wait a minute here… Shaun Micallef thought about falling over during his intro and the producers said NO? He goes on to say that if he really demanded to do it, the producers probably would have caved in and let him. So he COULD have done it, but he chose not to (His intro did contain several other physical gags, but none that involved falling over). Then 8 years later… Gretel Killeen’s hosting, and she decides it would be a good idea to collapse on stage. I wonder what the producers thought of this? Did they try to discourage her? Maybe they suggested it? Would it REALLY have been inappropriate for Shaun Micallef to do that joke back in 2001? Comedy was simpler back then, after all… It probably would have been funnier back then too, I imagine. But if you compare Shaun’s 2001 Logies intro to Gretel’s 2009 appall-a-tron, there’s simply no contest. Gretel didn’t say anything remotely funny, interesting or memorably. The only thing she did do was die on stage, and then pretend to die on stage (zing!). But isn’t that bizarre? I don’t quite know what to make of this… I mean, it’s hardly an original idea. Orson Wells did it in 1938. But still one wonders…

    Of course, there have been 7 other Logie ceremonies in between 2001 and 2009. In 2002 it was hosted by Wendy Harmer. I boycotted that one, and from most accounts she was comparable to Gretel. In 2003 and 2004 it was Eddie McGuire. Satisfactory, but it was like a sandwich with no filling. Sure, it had the two pieces of bread, but lacking in tasty content. From 2004 to 2007 the squabbling networks couldn’t agree on any single host so they each threw in a representative and “shared” the role. Then last year there was NO HOST. What a joke. For God’s sake, just PICK SOMEONE GOOD! Get Bert Newton while he’s still alive! He’s still got it, after all. Or develop some new talent. Hey, I reckon I could do a pretty good job… Some day maybe…

    On a final note, I also watched the “2009 Logies – In Memoriam” clip. I’ve never stopped thinking about the death of Richard Marsland. I found this footage very bizarre as well, as it was only in July last year that I was having lunch with him, having no less than an in-depth discussion about how bad the 2008 Logies were… No kidding (about the conversation. But also, the Logies were awful) I think I even remember talking about how there’s always a couple of deceased people who receive a bigger applause during the memorial. Can you believe that? You know, it is actually pretty disrepectful to all the other lesser-known TV people who’ve died, but I guess we can’t help showing our appreciation to certain individuals we really like.

    And good on Bill Collins for being accepted into the Logies Hall of Fame. I like him too and he certainly deserves it.

    So in conclusion… In my opinion, the Logies were mostly crap, but when you look at Australian television, indeed, it’s mostly crap. So what do you expect? Some may say my review has been somewhat biased, but hey, like I said… I didn’t even really watch it!

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    If you enjoyed the Logies, please write to me and tell me why. I’m interested.