David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Tag: writing

  • That’s your 2018 right there

    These years go by faster and faster…

    Well, hope you had a good 2018. Here are the things what I did:

    I started the year again at the Australian Open working nights at the Rod Laver Arena audio panel. Highlights include playing “Men in Black” on the PA when the camera cut to Will Smith in the crowd and riding the levels for special guest on-court interviewer Will Ferrell. Was also great to get to crank “Sweet Caroline” during Caroline Wozniacki’s victory lap after she won her maiden Grand Slam title.

    There was a bit of overlap with the start of Shaun Micallef’s Mad as Hell series 8, the first to be shot at the newly expanded ABC Southbank studios. And in fact there were 3 days there when I did a full day of comedy writing, then walked across Swan Street Bridge to Melbourne Park, scoffed down some dinner and panelled the audio until 1am! Not in a hurry to do that double again…

    But that’s the life of a freelancer. From intense periods like that to a pretty quiet couple of months of underemployment in the middle of the year, I must say.

    There were two seasons of Mad as Hell this year, which was fantastic. They haven’t done two seasons in the same year since my first year with the show back in 2014.

    Speaking of which, if you’ve ever wondered what I actually write on the show, I recently cut together some of my finest gags from series 3 to 8:

    Made a few cameos this year too…

    But the big highlight for me – aside from being shot and strangled – was having my brother Luke visit and attend a Mad as Hell taping. I’ve been in Melbourne almost nine years and this is the first time he’s come over from Adelaide.

    It was quite the ordeal organising it (he’s been confined to a wheelchair for about 5 years now, so has some special requirements). When Luke expressed an interest in coming over, Mum looked into it and discovered while Luke could easily fly on a Qantas plane, his wheelchair was too tall for the 737 cargo hold. And while a Jetstar A320 could fit the wheelchair, they didn’t have the lifter required to get Luke into the seat on the plane. Those are the only two aircraft that fly from Adelaide to Melbourne. Virgin was no help. Seemed like an obvious solution for Qantas and Jetstar to share the equipment, but alas not.

    Ultimately, it came down to my tireless Mother not taking ‘no’ for an answer. And thank you too to the people on Twitter and Facebook who shared my Mum’s post and the ABC journalist Alice Dempster who wrote a story on it, which eventually convinced Qantas and Jetstar to cooperate.

    Luke had a great time. I gave him a tour of the studio and we watched the show from the green room. Afterwards, I introduced him to Shaun and the cast. He was absolutely thrilled and it was a really special moment that made it all worth it.

    Mum, Luke and two carers Ruth and Sharon stayed overnight in a nearby apartment. They hired a special bed and a lifter to get him in and out of the chair. It was a lot to organise and we all lost some sleep worrying about everything going according to plan, but in the end it went brilliantly. I wish we did it years ago.

    The next day, Annika and I met them for breakfast and we took a stroll across the Princes Bridge to Federation Square and I pointed out some of the sights to Luke.

    Thank you so much to everyone at the ABC, Mad as Hell, and the airlines for their help in making this trip so enjoyable.

    Qantas told us this would be a one off, but I’m hoping we can do it again. The easiest and obvious solution would be for Jetstar to get some lifers and train their staff. I really hope they do that as soon as possible. Makes me wonder how many other disabled people out there are discouraged from travelling because it’s all just a bit too difficult.

    ABC News even did a story on it:

    Was quite bizarre to see Luke on TV instead of me for a change!

    I was back on the buttons at Crocmedia this year, mainly panelling the AFL. That place is growing like crazy. In April, Croc actually merged with Pacific Star Network, owners of sport station SEN 1116AM. Consequently, there was a bit of cross over with staff this year and I ended up doing some panel shifts at SEN back in their Swan Street studios.

    The same studios where in 2011/12, I panelled The Steve Vizard Show on Melbourne Talk Radio. Bizarre how the Australian radio industry seems to go in circles sometimes. Just for comparison, spot the difference:

    As part of the merger, SEN is moving into the Crocmedia building in South Melbourne. My last (probably) shift at Swan Street was panelling the cricket on Sunday December 16. I’ll miss those studios in the quiet corner of Richmond. Probably Melbourne’s last ground floor radio studio with a tram right outside the window.

    A lot of history in that building, going back to the dying days of 3AK. Well before my time. I hear someone’s writing a book about it.

    2018 also saw the TV debut of Good Afternoon Adelaide on Melbourne’s Channel 31, Adelaide’s Channel 44 and Perth’s West TV.

    There’s more of the Adelaide-based early ’90s talk show parody in the pipeline. Not sure what exactly and when it’s going to come out of the pipe, but watch this space. I will say it involves a bus…

    Also had a great time shooting 4 new episodes of VHS Revue. And thanks again to Stephen Hall for this cameo. A few fans have sent me some more tapes, which are currently sitting on my desk waiting to be revued in 2019.

    Other creative things…

    I finished a first draft of the screenplay I started last year. It’s called “Life Hack”. Want to read it? Email me.

    I signed up with a new agency, Larkin Creative, as I’m interested in more on camera comedy performance. There’s a growing number of screen tests and acting appearances on my Vimeo channel.

    Went to Stockholm again with Annika for my first proper Midsummer. A great time as always. So much daylight that time of year. It’s fantastic. In fact you might say I developed Stockholm Syndrome. But you would be incorrect.

    Enjoyed a few saunas, some fishing and took a ferry to the island of Sandhamn out in the archipelago for a day.

    Annika’s Dad even welcomed me by hoisting an Australian flag up the family pole. Sensational. Probably about time we lose that Union Jack though.

    Closer to home, we spent a nice weekend in Ballarat for the Begonia Festival in March. Annika went for the flowers.

    I went for the busts.

    We’ve settled into our place in Malvern and signed on for another year. Two moves in 13 months was more than enough.

    It’s been great. Lost count of the number of barbecues we’ve had this year. And not a bad picture to wake up to every morning:

    In May, we had our engagement party in Adelaide and the wedding is set for 29 March, 2019 in Melbourne. That’s also the Brexit deadline for Britain to leave the EU (unless they postpone it). Regardless, should be a day full of happy memories for both us and the British people.

    Wishing you a fabtabulous 2019.

    – DMG

  • Mad as Hell wraps for Series 5

    It’s a wrap on another season of Shaun Micallef’s Mad As Hell. What more can I say? I love the show. I love the team. I love the man.

    By the way, that’s the ACTUAL Godzilla toy (centre) as featured in that sketch from “The Micallef Pogram”. You know the one I mean.

    All 10 episodes from series/season 5 are up on ABC iView. You’ve got until April 29 until they take them down. I had quite a bit of food-related material in this season. Look out for a bit about a pretzel and an edible coffee cup 😉

    Also, see if you can spot me in the final episode. Here’s a hint:

    Something else unexpected I’ve enjoyed since moving to Melbourne is randomly seeing something I saw on TV years earlier. Sometimes it’s the most obscure thing. Here’s one of them. This is the corner of Selwyn Street and Sinclair Street in Elsternwick, just outside the ABC production offices, looking east:

    I thought there was something familiar about that corner. Now take a look at the opening titles to “The Micallef Pogram” (correct spelling), that aired on ABC TV in early 2001… about 91 seconds in:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGWcnlneS-U

    Aha!

    How about that? As you can see, those water restrictions had some impact.

    Or maybe it’s the budget cuts?

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green

  • How do you solve a problem like The Logies?

    No comedy. No writers. Catering aplenty.

    The Logies are unique among the world’s entertainment industry awards. This is not a compliment.

    The organisers would like to believe Australian Television’s “night of nights” is the equivalent to The Oscars. The biggest. The fanciest. The most regarded awards ceremony on the event calendar.

    But the Academy Awards are for the silver screen. Not the small screen. The fashion reporting on the red carpet is where the comparison between the two stops. So in that sense, The Logies are more like The Emmys; The American awards for television production.

    But if The Logies are supposed to be Australia’s version of The Emmys, why aren’t they run like The Emmys?

    Emmy Award winners are decided by industry professionals. Some Logie winners are chosen this way; the categories that begin with “Most Outstanding”. However, the majority of Logie categories begin with “Most Popular” and those winners are decided by votes from the public. It’s basically a popularity contest.

    So in that case, The Logies are run more like The MTV Movie Awards. No offense to MTV, but I think that’s pretty embarrassing for Australian Television.

    But even The MTV Movie Awards have an award for “Best Comedic Performance”. How many awards do The Logies currently give for comedy? Zero. Pardon the pun, but that’s a joke.

    There hasn’t been an award for comedy at The Logies since 2009, when “The Hollowmen” won “Most Outstanding Comedy Program”.

    What does that say about Australian comedy if it’s not even acknowledged at the highest level? This serious lack of respect would make Rodney Dangerfield roll over in his grave.

    Think about all the hilarious Australian TV shows that have made us laugh through the years: The Late Show, Frontline, Kath & Kim, Hey Hey It’s Saturday, The Chaser, The Micallef Program, Summer Heights High. All of those shows won the Logie for “Most Outstanding Comedy Program”. In fact, some won it twice.

    Interesting to note, of the 16 awards for Most Outstanding Comedy Program given between 1994 and 2009, 13 of them were won by the ABC. Goes to show you don’t need money to make outstanding television comedy.

    But the best a comedy show can hope for these days is the Logie for “Most Outstanding Light Entertainment Program”.  What is “light entertainment” anyway? Aren’t all television shows supposed to be entertaining?

    In 1997, there were three separate Logies for comedy. Roy and HG’s “Club Buggery” won “Most Outstanding Achievement in Comedy”, the hilarious “Full Frontal” won “Most Popular Comedy Program” and Eric Bana won “Most Popular Comedy Personality”.

    It was a simpler time. Comedy was comedy. Drama was drama. And reality TV only existed in movies about a fictional dystopian future.

    But though comedy is no longer officially recognised by Australian TV, it seems to have crept into just about every other program.

    The new buzz word at the moment is “dramedy”. I hate that word. For me, it represents a comedy not quite funny enough that the producers want to commit and call it a comedy. Or a drama not quite dramatic enough to be called a drama. Shows such as Seven’s “Winners and Losers” and Ten’s “Mr and Mrs Murder” have both been promoted as “dramedy” shows.

    Network Ten’s “The Project” is another example. Hard news, light tragedy, music, stock footage, infotainment, and a few gags.

    But for a really bizarre example of comedy white-anting into a traditionally no-comedy TV zone, take a look at this new comedy segment that’s just appeared on Ten Late News. One recent segment involved my good friend Sam Mac videoing his facial expressions while receiving a series of simulated prostate exams:

    I’m a fan of Sam Mac. But this is not a comedy program. This is a late night news program broadcast nationally on Channel Ten. I’d much rather see him do this schtick on his own show – A show that could be nominated for a Logie for comedy.

    The Logies also has a serious lack of respect for Australian writers. Unlike The Oscars and The Emmys, The Logies has no awards at all for writing. None for comedy. None for drama. None for a telemovie or miniseries.

    I find it absolutely beyond comprehension the industry award body for Australian television doesn’t recognise its writers. Industry people and viewers alike are constantly complaining about the substandard level of screenwriting in Australia. We have great actors. We have world class cinematographers. Australian films and TV shows always look amazing.

    But the script? The story? The writing? It’s such an afterthought; we don’t even have an award for it. Who cares, right? Hey, why do we even need writers for TV?

    I believe the first step to improve Australia’s reputation for quality screenwriting is to recognise quality screenwriting at the highest level. And the easiest way to do that is to include Logie Awards for writing.

    The Logie Awards Ceremony itself also differs from the big American ones. The Oscars. The Emmys. The Tonys. They’re all held in theatres, with a seated audience watching the stage.

    But The Logies are conducted more like a pub trivia night, with the audience and nominees seated around tables in the Palladium Ballroom of Melbourne’s Crown Casino. Many of the attendees aren’t even facing the stage.

    Is it any wonder nobody wants to host The Logies? It’s widely believed among the TV industry that hosting The Logies is death. It’s a tough room. Most people are there purely to be seen and to enjoy a steak dinner.

    At last year’s 54th Annual Logie Awards, Adam Hills walked out on stage to present the first award, and after establishing that there was no host, he said, “Hosting the Logies is like being one of Gina Rinehart’s children. It sounds good, but you get nothing out of it.”

    That’s true for most of the hosts in recent memory. In fact, of the last 10 ceremonies, six of them had no single host. The risk of dying a death on stage was shared by several presenters.

    For a truly exceptional ceremony, you have to go back to Shaun Micallef in 2001.

    Channel Nine thought so too and they gave him his own tonight show two years later. But Wendy Harmer (2002) and Gretel Killeen (2009) weren’t so lucky.

    So how do you cure The Logies? It’s so simple even a TV executive could do it. Bring back awards for comedy. Introduce awards for writing. And hold the ceremony in a theatre where the audience’s attention is on the host. Only then will The Logies be the Australian equivalent of The Emmys.

    And so they should be.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Student of Logie.

  • Hey kids, get a job like me!

    At the risk of exposing myself to green screen-related graphical editing tomfoolery… allow me to fill you in on my recent fantastic experience as a professional writer and presenter for Video Educational Australasia.

    A few months ago, I auditioned at VEA as a presenter. I happen to casually mention I was also a writer. I didn’t think much of it, until several weeks later when I was offered a gig as a writer for an educational video they were making, ironically called “How will this help me get a job?” And of course I jumped on the idea.

    The video is aimed at high school students and discusses several skills employers look for when they’re hiring people. I had to write several scenes demonstrating those skills, eg. communication, team work, etc. And best of all, I could be funny! So I had a great time coming up with scenes (sketches, if you will) emphasising the importance of each skill.

    VEA cast three young actors to play three young people on the verge of entering the workforce. The talented Lisa Marie Shaw, Aldi Godjali and Rhys Thomas. I also wrote in a role for a presenter, which I was lucky enough to land myself.

    Here we all are:

    The video was shot in a day and a half. One full day for the three actors to film the scenes, and one half day for myself to film the intros and summaries for each chapter of the 20 minute video.

    I stopped by VEA’s Fitzroy studio on Tuesday to experience the novelty of complete strangers reading lines I wrote and acting out scenes I created…

    In case you’re colour blind, the whole thing was shot in front of a green screen. Backgrounds will be added later digitally (as it’s cheaper that filming on a real tropical island!).

    Coincidentally, I happened to know the boom operator, Elliott Klein. We both worked on the pilot for Channel 31’s “Late Night Tonight” with TV’s Michael Lanzer.

    Industry contacts: one of the best things, if not THE best thing, about becoming a member of RMITV student television.

    This was another special moment for me, as it was the first time I’d held a boom…

    Hehehe… booms are great!

    Hey, remember my advice earlier this year borne from one of my uglier experiences in student television? Well let me remind you… if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, get in with the crew! It makes for a much better working atmosphere:

    Someone feel free to add a beach background for that photo. Or a volcano or something. That’d be pretty cool…

    So that about wrapped it up for Day 1. Unfortunately due to another VEA production, the camera was due somewhere else by 10am Wednesday. So we all got to the studio at 6AM in order to get my presenting parts recorded. 6AM!?! Jeeze…

    I can’t seem to get to bed early, even if I know I have to be up before dawn. So I finally managed to get to sleep around my usual time of 1:30am. I was on three and a half hours sleep for this.

    Also, they didn’t have a teleprompter for me, so I had to memorise these quite wordy spiels. And some of what I originally wrote had been altered by VEA’s advisers to ensure the educational elements were on message. This was a challenge, but by God it was fun!

    Most of my presentation pieces were filmed at and around “my” desk. I’m sort of an arrogant boss-type character, laying down the employment wisdom on the young folk.

    Unlike when I was a sports correspondent on Channel 31’s “Newsline”, on this occasion my wandering eye brows were permitted, even encouraged, by director Bryce McNamara!

    We wrapped by about 10:45am. I went home and crashed on my bed. I fell asleep in my suit (I even still had my shoes on).

    At about 5pm I woke up and got ready for my weekly quiz night down at The Peacock Hotel in Northcote. After that nap, I was surprisingly refreshed. Turned out to be a good night too.

    All up, a fantastic day of working in show biz!

    So look out on the VEA website for “How will this help me get a job?” Funnily enough, with the project done, I’m back to looking for work…

    I’d recommend you purchase a copy. You might find a few subtle David M. Green-related references buried in the script…

    Special thanks to Anoar Ahmed for giving me this incredible opportunity. And thanks to Bryce and the rest of the cast and crew. It was truly a pleasure to work with you all.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    I still can’t believe I was paid to do that!