David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Author: David M. Green

  • The Glamorous World of Television

    Hello!

    It’s been quite a turbulent month. I’ll start this blog entry with some words of wisdom from my first hand personal experience, for anyone with an interest in joining the hideous bitch goddess that is, “show biz”:

    1. Don’t ever write a review.

    Just don’t do it. Unless you want to write reviews for a living. Or, if you feel you must write a review, don’t write a bad review. Even more specifically, don’t ever write a review of someone you may have to work with in the future. Even if it’s not a bad review, I’d say best to avoid it all together and keep your opinions to yourself. And be wary of fragile egos. But of course, if you want to be the next David Stratton, then go nuts! You might want to grow a beard too.

    2. Don’t under-estimate the power of the telephone.

    90% of people won’t pick up the phone and call someone if there’s a problem. They’ll prefer a passive-aggressive email, or even worse, a text message. Leave those forms of communication where they belong, in the bedroom. If you want to get things done, pick up the phone. It’s instant. It’s intimidating. All the celebrities are doing it.

    3. Be nice to everyone, but don’t take any crap from anyone. (Thanks for that one Dad!)

    You’ve got to be nice to people. Even if they’re not nice back, make sure you can always say you treated them with respect first. But of course, there are always going to be incompetent people in this industry who will try to take advantage of you. Work out where your limits are. If they start pushing you a bit too far, ask yourself if you’re content to put up with that forever? If someone’s outta line, tell it to ’em straight. And don’t swear at anyone. Ever. It’s unprofessional. Stick to legitimate comments. For example, call them unprofessional! However, most likely you won’t be in the position of power, so be prepared to eat dirt for a while until the incompetence and unprofessionalism of others catches up to them.

    4. Get in with the crew.

    Television (and films) generally have large crews. Crew people are the best people. They get the job done and without them, it wouldn’t be TV. It’d be someone posting a video blog on YouTube. Help out with the crew. Put in the hard yards with them and you’ll get respect. From everyone. And for the love of God… Don’t f*** with their equipment!

    5. Not everyone likes critical feedback and constructive criticism.

    I love it myself. However, unless someone asks you two or three times for critical feedback, don’t give it to them. ESPECIALLY if you don’t know them! Remember, fragile egos in this biz.

    6. Don’t believe everything everyone says.

    A lot of people will make a lot of wild promises. Don’t count on all of them coming through. Unless the contact is in your hands and they’re asking for your signature, assume there’s only a slight chance of it actually happening.

    These are just a few things that may or may not have any relevance to recent events in my life… And now for an update on what I’m up to:

    Catalyst
    Read a condensed transcript of my interview with Tim Vine in edition 3 of RMIT’s Catalyst Magazine. Hard copies available from the various Melbourne campuses. There doesn’t seem to be an online copy, but you may as well just listen to the audio version right here. No plans to write anything else soon (especially any reviews!).

    RMITV
    I’m very excited to be helping out on “Late Night Tonight” this week. It’s a parody of a late night talk show. I’ll be operating camera two, presumably pointing it at host Michael Lanzer (Channel 31’s “The Inquiry”).

    I was previously going to be involved with “Studio A”. However that doesn’t appear to be happening any more. Particularly disappointing considering that show alone was one of the big selling points of moving to Melbourne. On the other hand, it didn’t look like I would have had much creative input as “script editor”. But anyway, I wish them all the best. They’re okay.

    Recent events and pep-talks from certain individuals have encouraged me to use my time in Melbourne and access to RMIT’s fabulous student television facilities wisely. After all, as much as I’d love to stay in Melbourne, it will all come down to where the jobs are at the end of the year. So my good friend Lachlan Cowlishaw and myself are going to make our own comedy show pilot. A 22-minute show incorporating single camera sketches and multi-camera studio pieces. Hey! Why not? That’ll be a goal for the year. Get that done. If nothing else, hopefully we’ll be able to say we made something funny and put it on the Internet. I can also confirm right now that at the request of Mr Nick Godfrey, the show WILL have a puppet.

    Stand-up
    I’m doing stand-up at The Comic’s Lounge on fabulous Errol Street, North Melbourne this evening. 8:30pm. Feel free to come along. It’ll be the first time I’ve done it in Melbourne. I can get five people in for free so let me know if you want in.

    Too Easy
    Yes, the webseries I filmed with Alex “Shooter” Willamson back in January is just about edited and the first two episodes will hopefully be online within the next few days, closely followed by the four other episodes of Season 1.

    Radio
    I’ve completed the compulsory training that one requires if one is to be a broadcaster at SYN, RMIT’s student radio station. I tried to get out of it, but ironically it was easier to get on-air via this 4-week training course, as opposed to simply providing a link to this website with my 100+ hours of radio experience. The facilities are lacking a decent soundboard/cart-rack programme to play sound effects, so I’m on the lookout for a version for my laptop. If anyone has any software options they can suggest I’d love to hear them. Hopefully get back on-air sometime soon, even if it’s just a graveyard 2am-6am one just for fun. Any excuse to subject others to obscure ’80s New Wave music!

    Voice-Over
    I recently did a voice-over for Riverside Plaza, Queanbeyan. So if you live in the A.C.T. and would like to hear my best David Attenborough impression, tune in on Mix106.3. Special thanks to Radio’s Michael Princi for that one.

    And that video game I did some voices for back in December has finally been released. Download “Sunset Studio – Behind the Scenes!” from this link right here. I’m not sure where exactly my voice appears in the game but I do know it’s the “science-fiction movie scene”. I’m eager to see/hear it myself! If anyone makes it that far into the game PLEASE let me know!

    Miscellaneous
    In other news I’m coming back to Adelaide for 2 weeks! I’ll be there from June 24 to July 8. It’ll be great to see the ol’ gang again. I’ll probably have a gathering in the city to catch up with everyone en mass in one big burst of socialisation. But if you want to book in a lunch or something, just give me a dial.

    Anyway, must tend to my life. Excuse me.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Can’t wait for DEVO’s first new album since 1990! “Something for Everybody” comes out next week!

  • No car winter

    Yes, not quite as bad as “nuclear winter” but “no car winter”, or indeed, a no car year-long lifestyle is something that takes a little adjusting to. Hello, I’m David M. Green.

    This month marked the end of another motoring era, for me anyway. I’ve been without access to my 2001 Toyota Corolla Seca since I moved to Melbourne in February. However, just recently my Mum sold it for me. So even if I were to return to Adelaide, it would be unlikely that I’d be able to drive it, obviously because it now belongs to someone else.

    Had a lot of good times in/with that car…

    I originally got it because my 1986 Toyota Corolla Seca was beginning to consume about the same amount of oil as petrol, and there was a chance that I’d have to commute regularly to Murray Bridge, when I applied for a radio job there. So Mum wanted me to have a safer car. She helped me with the finances too, as this was during an extended period of unemployment (after GameTraders but before SAFM).

    I recall I hated it at first. There wasn’t enough room around the pedals, everything was too sensitive and at just the wrong angle compared to my previous car, so I had to develop different muscles in my legs. It took some getting used to. The other big drawback was its lack of a clock. Can you believe that? A car made in 2001 didn’t have a clock in it! Ridiculous.

    I had my first kiss in that car, amongst other things I won’t get into right now. Good times… Ohohoho… VERY good times…

    I also delivered many a pizza. Fun times.

    Had some not so good times too. Like the time I spun out on my way to a radio job interview in Berri. I was extremely lucky not to total the car, or myself, or anyone else. Amazingly there was no damage. I just got out, had a drink of water, reassessed my life, and continued driving for another 2 hours to the job interview. Driving is dangerous. I never told my parents about that. I didn’t want them to be worried if I actually got the job and had to commute regularly back to Adelaide on weekends. It doesn’t matter if they find out now. They don’t read my blog anyway!

    With my previous car, the ’86 version, I had a quirk of keeping track of the wildlife I’d destroyed with the car, and so on the side window I kept miniatures, just like an aircraft after a successful bombing raid. By the end I had 5 little bird stickers. And before you start writing angry letters to the RSPCA, may I point out I’m not a monster. It was more a form of remembrance. I certainly wasn’t TRYING to run over those birds. Well, definitely not the first few anyway.

    But not being one to heavily repeat material, I didn’t bother doing that for the ’01 model. I did do something with stickers, although not as interesting. I placed radio station stickers on my rear bumper. However, to be awarded a coveted bumper space, I had to have operated the radio control panel at that station. Hence the two station stickers below:

    Although I also appeared on Fresh 92.7FM, 891 ABC Adelaide and the Triple M Network during the time I had that car, I didn’t actually operate the panel at any of those stations. Hmm… specific, aye? Aside from the sentimentality, the bumper stickers also really came in handy when identifying my highly popular mass-produced car in a crowded parking lot. So it was also practical.

    I also left all my Flinders University parking permit stickers on the front windscreen, even though the most recent one expired in February 2008. The 2005 one was never valid for that car. I peeled it off the ’86 model and stuck it on the ’01 model when I bough it! Just for decoration.

    But anyway, I live in Melbourne now and I’m without a car. In fact I’ve only driven a car once since February. I can’t say I miss the expense. However, I do miss driving. Driving’s fun! There have been a few times when I’ve found myself late at night waiting 15 minutes for a tram to take me home on a 45 minute tram-ride, and really wishing I had my car. Sometimes it’s just great to hit the open road on a long drive, ’80s New Wave music blasting out the windows; something I did regularly in Adelaide.

    But a car is an unnecessary luxury in Melbourne. You don’t really need one. It would be a lot harder to do without a car in Adelaide. I love the trams. Although a few more east-west lines in the northern suburbs would be nice. See! I knew this would happen! You’re bedazzled by the marvelous Melbourne metro transport network at first, but after you live here for a while you start to discover its limitations. Happens to the best of us.

    I think the biggest problem is that grocery shopping is limited to what I can carry. That’s a bummer.

    So in conclusion, I’m getting by without a car (and a job for that matter), although I do occasionally miss the benefits of time-saving as well as the sheer pleasuring of driving. But you know, good for the environment and all that crap. Al Gore, you’re okay.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Adelaide Driver

  • Live Television Debut!

    Greetings!

    Very exciting week last week: it was my turn to be on Newsline! I was the sports correspondent on May 18 2010 under the weighted anchoring of TV’s Ben Hagemann and Alicia Muling. The programme broadcast live on Channel 31 Melbourne from 4pm to 4:30pm.

    Coming to Melbourne and studying television journalism at RMIT has really opened my eyes to the practicalities of television production. It’s an incredible organisational feat. So much preparation goes into it. There’s a crew of about 15 people behind the scenes and putting together a 30-minute news programme and broadcasting LIVE five days a week is amazing. It still surprises me that we actually get to do this (as students, not professionals remember… not yet anyway).

    Special thanks also to TV’s Jill Singer, executive producer for Newsline. I can’t imagine the effort she’s put into getting this show off the ground. She’s done a wonderful job.

    Without beating around the bush, or using excessive cliches, I absolutely loved this. Each show has two hosts and three correspondents (news, business and sport). In some ways it’s actually harder to be a correspondent, as you’re up in a small room on your own with a green screen behind you and a camera pointed at your head, and unlike the hosts, the correspondents don’t get no autocue. All that presenting experience for YouTube sure came in handy.

    Even though I had to glance at my notes occasionally to remember some names, I’m very happy with my performance. I took it seriously. And how many opportunities does anyone get to do LIVE TV these days? How many shows are even done live anymore? And the people on those shows are mostly weathered TV veterans. Newsline and the resources at RMIT University provide an invaluable experience for newcomers to the industry, such as myself, and I am very grateful for the opportunity.

    Here are some snapshots of that day’s creation of Newsline, a voyeristic peak into the magic of student television news:

    This shan’t be my only dabble in television, of that I can assure you.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Photos my Yinmin Maung with Ben Hagemann’s camera.

  • Sports! (Not the Huey Lewis kind)

    Greetings!

    This just to hand: I, David M. Green, will now be the “sports correspondent” on Channel 31 Melbourne’s “Newsline” on Tuesday May 17 2010 at 4pm. Anchoring that day will be the veritable Ben Hagemann and the actual Alicia Muling. So tune in to see RMIT student journalism in its purest televisual form.

    Little known fact about myself: I actually played Australian Rules football for 3 years back in the mid to late 1990s. Some good times, like singing along to that Goldburn Valley sliced peaches commercial circa 1996 featuring the “Oarsome Foursome”… although it’s only incidental we were at football training at the time. And some bad times too, like the time I “accidentally” broke a bottle at the top of the Brighton Rugby Club stadium and watched in horror as broken glass bounced down most of the concrete steps, echoing around the entire ground and alerting security. True story.

    Unfortunately there probably won’t be any badminton results to report; another one of my former sporting passions. Possibly some golf news though… Tune in.

    But in all seriousness, it’s a proper news show. I will actually be reporting on the sporting news of the day in a professional manner.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    This is the only sporting-related photo of myself I could find at short notice:

  • You’re terminated. (Get the movie reference?)

    Greetings,

    David M. Green. How do you do?

    Been another one of those crazy weeks. Had something in particular happen to me that I considered not mentioning on this, my website, but I came to the conclusion I simply had to. Plus it’s just easier to put it here so I don’t have to keep repeating it to everyone. The following is completely true.

    For just under three months I’ve been working at the Cinema Nova on fabulous Lygon Street, Carlton.

    On Tuesday, I was fired.

    Regular readers may recall I walked in there one day in January with my resume and I was literally hired on the spot. This can be credited to my unblemished 12 months at the Palace Nova Cinema in Adelaide.

    I began officially working at the Cinema Nova February 17. At the end of my second shift the manager (aka “The Big Cheese”) took me aside and said, “It’s like you’ve never worked in a cinema before,” and, “If you don’t lift your game I’m going to have to let you go”. When I asked what the problem was, all he offered was my lack of “oomph”. When I asked for him to be more specific, his response was, “No, I’m just going to keep it vague at this point.”

    “The Big Cheese” later clarified he said this to me on my second shift “to put the fear of God into me”. Because that makes a productive employee, doesn’t it? Constant fear of termination.

    Last Friday, I got my first box office training shift. A coveted honour at Cinema Nova. When I arrived I saw “The Big Cheese”. I thanked him for the shift. His reaction was, “Well, I hope you realise this is your last chance to impress me, because it’s clear you’re not getting the floor and you’re obviously not enjoying it”. I had no idea what he was talking about.

    And this one, I loved. He said last week he’d heard a “report” that when I was standing at the podium (aka “the gate”) checking tickets and directing customers to the correct cinema, I turned to one of the other employees and asked, “Hey, am I supposed to be checking these tickets?” “The Big Cheese” then surmised, “If you’ve been here for two and a half months and you don’t even know how to check tickets, I don’t know why you’re still working here.”

    I responded, logically, by pointing out that it was obviously a throw away joke (I tend to make those, it’s kind of a habit you may have noticed), and that exactly, it doesn’t make sense that I would ask that after three months of doing it. Furthermore, how exactly would I even be able to direct customers to the right cinema if I wasn’t reading it off the ticket? It’s simply ridiculous.

    The box office shift went well. Of course, it was my first one there so I couldn’t possibly master all the vouchers and button combinations in a mere 90 minutes. I’m not sure exactly how I was supposed to “impress” “The Big Cheese” anyway, considering he wasn’t actually observing me.

    Tuesday I receive a phone call. It’s “The Big Cheese” informing me that after careful consideration, he’s decided “he’s going to have to let me go”. Naturally, I ask why. He says that my work performance is inadequate and there’s been “reports” that I’ve been rude to customers and don’t work well with the other staff.

    Now, when my Dad drove me to the airport back in February, he offered just one piece of advice to help me on my move to Melbourne. And that was: “Don’t take any crap from people.” And there was no better time to apply it than right then.

    So I told “The Big Cheese” the facts. In three months I’d never been late for a shift. I’d stayed back late on numerous occasions, most of the time for no additional pay, to finish work that needed to be done. I got along well with customers, often sharing a joke, and regularly received compliments, one of which was “Oh, a friendly Nova employee! That’s a nice change!” I worked well with the other staff, certainly had no problems brought to my attention. And I worked just as hard as everyone else.

    I also took the opportunity to point out a couple of qualms I had with his style of management. In the end, all he could say was, “Well I’m going to have to disagree with you there.”

    It’s simply absurd. I challenge anyone to call the other customer service jobs I worked at regularly and find someone who can say I wasn’t consistently competent and outstanding. I worked at the Palace Nova Cinema in Adelaide for a year. It was a fantastic job. I loved it and they loved me.

    So anyway, that’s it. I no longer work at Cinema Nova. I’m glad to be honest. I must say I found the culture of intimidation and fear – which actually amounts to a form of bullying, if you want to get technical (and legal, which lucky for them I don’t) – unappealing. Out of the major things in my life right now (uni, home, work) working at that cinema was what I least looked forward to, specifically because the whole time I worked there, I was constantly thinking, “Any moment now, I’m going to get fired.” Try working under those conditions. Life is too short. Especially as it’s a cinema, not a nuclear power station.

    I will of course miss the good friends I’ve made and it’ll be sad not to see them every week. Keep it real guys and gals. Thanks for those who supported me and stuck up for me. There were at least two people who didn’t. They know who they are. To them I say good luck. I’m sure you’ll go far.

    One thing positive I will say about Cinema Nova, they make great choc-tops. I’ll certainly miss those. I’ll also miss the free popcorn. Although I picked up a garbage bag full of it last week. That should last me a while:

    Feel free to share your stories of termination by commenting below.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Unemployed.