David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Author: David M. Green

  • So it comes to this… A COMEDY SHOW ON TRIPLE M!

    Hey Hey!

    Okay, let’s get straight to it. Now that it’s been posted on the Triple M website, I can now reveal to YOU that Matty B, Nick Godfrey, Tim Wray, Adam Navarro and myself will be putting together a once off 2-hour comedy show that will go to air on the Triple M radio network on a Sunday night! WOW!

    THE Big Show Team Photo

    But how did we manage to scam our way into this? Good question. For reasons unknown, Triple M and some advertising people came up with the idea for this contest called “Semi-Pro Radio.” It’s a contest open only to people who work for the advertising or “creative” industry. I entered as an employee of “Allan Miller’s FAST Voice-overs” (technically they count… pretty clever huh?). Entrants put together a show proposal. A number of finalists are selected (13) and those finalists, one of them being us with our show: “THE Big Show,” get to fill 2 hours of air time on Triple M. Then after all shows go to air a winner is selected, yada yada yada something about fabulous prizes… You can read all the details here.

    But anyway… WE GET TO MAKE A COMEDY SHOW FOR TRIPLE M! This is a dream come true for me personally. Triple M’s “Get This” (from the comic genius of Tony Martin, Ed Kavalee & Richard Marsland) is still, and will probably always be, my favourite, and the GREATEST radio show of all time. I realise that there’s no way I could ever do a show as good as Get This. However, that’s what we’re gonna aim for. Hey, it’s a once off appearance. We might as well make it the absolute best, funniest, greatest 2 hours of radio we can. I don’t care if we don’t win. I just want to do a good show so afterwards I can say “yeah… that was pretty funny.” Plus I’ll get to reunite with Matty B, whom I rarely see these days as he lives in Sydney. It’s THE Big Show. Be on THE look out for it and of course, when I know more (like, WHEN it will air) I’ll put the info up here.

    On a personal note, tomorrow will mark one year to the day since I met and had lunch with Richard Marsland (of Get This fame… obviously). I don’t think I would be doing this show on Triple M if it had not been for the advice and assistance he gave me. I owe him a lot and I really wish he was still here to see this.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    MMM

  • Sick… And not the attractive kind

    Greetings from my isolation tank (ie. my bedroom… what? Don’t YOU sleep in a tank?),

    This video pretty much speaks for itself…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7TRE-oQy8Qk

    Quite. For the last week and a bit (I honestly can’t remember exactly when it started), I have been quite sick. It’s very “flu-like.” I know what you’re all thinking, because I have a psychology degree and therefore, I can read minds. And you’re all very disturbed… But also, you’re thinking “Is it THE Swine Flu?” Well, the thought crossed my mind too, so my doctor, who also happens to be my Mother, administered a test that involved jamming a swab up my nose. She was supposed to insert it a ridiculous 5cm or something like that. It went in maybe half of that and I said “Hey, that’s as far as it’s going. You’re poking my brain!” Thankfully, the test came back negative for the Swine Flu. But regular flu is just as bad.

    I seem to be on the “recovery” end now. To quote Rodney Dangerfield: “Buy a hat like that you get a free bowl of soup.” And also: “I tell ya I’m alright now but last week I was in rough shape, you know?” Yes. I do know. I was in VERY ROUGH shape. I was coughing up all kinds of things, including the biggest chunk of phlegm that’s ever originated in my sinus. So large in fact I took a photo of it. After much consideration, I have decided to share the photo with the world. After all, what’s the Internet for? Now, I won’t FORCE the gruesome image onto you, so if you would LIKE to see it, you can view the genuine David M. Green limited edition sputum RIGHT HERE. Note, interestingly, it appears to be in the shape of Australia. I guess I am a patriot, huh?

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    *Cough* *Cough*

  • Ed Fella!?! Oh hang on… Michael Jackson!?!

    Well, it’s already yesterday’s news, but hey, I’ve been busy. That’s right… Ed McMahon is dead. Also, Michael Jackson. And Farrah Fawcett… plus countless others if you want to be pedantic about it (which you clearly do), but I can’t possibly write obituaries for all of these people, so just FREAKING BACK OFF man! Excuse me.

    But Michael Jackson. Wow. Who saw that coming? What a guy. At his peak, of course. Back in the early ’80s he was incredible. Just look at the “Thriller” music video. JUST LOOK AT IT!?! Outstanding. It’s in a league of its own. “Billy Jean”: probably the best song of the last 30 years. No one else came close to the greatness of Michael Jackson. I’m talking creatively, of course. As for the scandals, obviously when someone reaches the heights that he did, it turns you a bit peculiar. Like at all the great ones; they work hard for years until they get their big break. They’re amazing. Then they go crazy and die early or turn into a recluse.

    But from 1975 to 1992, Michael Jackson was truly great. And although I barely lived through this period, his music has had a definite presence on the soundtrack to my life. I recall listening to “Black or White” in my year 2 class in 1994, followed by a discussion on racism, and then substituting “purple” and “blue” into the song lyrics the following recess, to much amusement. “Beat It” was played at my year 9 social, and I have forever associated it with being awkward around girls. The first time I ever took a drive in my car by myself, I turned on the radio and it was Michael Jackson singing “Bad.” Luckily for me I had just that day acquired my license, so it was all legitimate… So for the next week at least, I’ll be driving around with my windows down, blasting nothing but Michael Jackson from my cassette player and driving like it’s 1983. So in other words, I’ll be doing 60km/h instead of the modern limit of 50, coincidentally, the age of Michael Jackson. RIP.

    Yours sincerely,
    David M. Green

  • Oh My God, The System Works!

    Following on from my previous post: Unbelievable. Within 48 hours of me pointing out the appalling grammar on the Commonwealth Bank’s exterior signage, the poor grammar mysteriously disappears! COINCIDENCE!?! I think not. My astonishment can clearly be seen in the above photograph.

    I imagine the suits at the Commonwealth Bank are quite irritated at my little English lesson. But hey, it’s their freaking sign. It was on public display in Rundle Mall for at least 6 weeks! My website has only had 150 or so views in the last 2 days. Think of how many people saw the sign directly, noticed the bad grammar and then associated idiocy with the Commonwealth Bank? Thousands… They should be more irritated by their own incompetence. Ha-ha, na they’re okay.

    So, in this case, the Internet (and its nit-picky bloggers) actually helped to draw attention to, and FIX the problem. How about that? Finally, a practical use for the Internet.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Smart Arse

  • Which Bank? The one with the Appalling Grammar.

    Call me a Grammar Nazi. Call me a regular Nazi. Call me David M. Green. Although on the regular Nazi quip, you couldn’t be more wrong. You’d be better off calling me a communist. But anyway, I’m deviating from the big issue: Proper English, DAMMIT!

    Several weeks ago I was walking down Adelaide’s fabulous Rundle Mall (pause for applause from locals), and I happened to wander past the Commonwealth Bank located on the corner of Pulteney Street, and I noticed one of those fancy automated teller machines I’ve read so much about. Next to this ATM was a sign, as shown above, indicating that there “is” an additional two “ATM’s” located around the corner, for my convenience of course.

    Now I, being a proud proponent of the English language, immediately noticed the multiple examples of poor grammar, which I will now deconstruct piece by piece… Firstly, the use of the word “is” is incorrect. It should be “are” as there are multiple ATMs. Secondly, “ATM’s” does not require an apostrophe, as in this context, the ATM does not own anything, nor are any letters left out, assuming you don’t count the missing letters from Automated Teller Machine, from which the abbreviation ATM is derived. I’m willing to let the lack of a full stop go, but regardless, who ever wrote this was clearly an idiot, and even more frighteningly, an idiot who works with people’s money!

    Now, this was several weeks ago. At the time I was lunching with my good friend Gerard Kotlowy, and he actually had to go into the bank for some reason. I followed him and considered alerting the humanoid teller to the error. However, that particular week I had been working a lot at the cinema and I was sick to death of people complaining to me about ridiculous trivial things (eg. the cinema is too cold, there’s water in the bathroom, the door squeaks too much, why are you still serving popcorn at this cinema when I have written to head office to complain that it should be banned? etc.). So I thought, hey, I’ll give this guy a break. He doesn’t want some jerk, who doesn’t even bank with them (although I used to, back in the ’90s, but that’s a different story); giving him an English lecture on, let’s face it, an insignificant matter and a waste of everyone’s time. So I did nothing, assuming that someone else would surely bring it up. Not the case.

    Literally, this was back in April, and the sign is still there! So I thought it was high time I took a photo of it and ridiculed the organisation, in detail and in blog form. This is the 21st Century after all. I don’t like it any more than you do, but this is how things are done now…

    So, in conclusion, my message to the Commonwealth Bank: Hey CB, if you’re increasing your interest rates by 10 basis points, the least you can do is buy a dictionary and throw it at who ever wrote that sign. Also, fix the sign. And the guy who wrote it too, I guess. After all, you just threw a dictionary at him. Or her. Not sexist.

    I’m David M. Green.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Improper English is something with which up, I shall not put.