David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Category: The Life of DMG

  • The 2017th Year

    Well that’s another year. A year of two blog posts. Here’s what I was doing when I wasn’t writing stuff on here:

    In January for the first time I worked at the Australian Open as an audio operator at Rod Laver Arena. It was similar to the panelling I’ve done for radio, but the audio (music, umpire’s microphone, packages on the big screen, etc.) wasn’t for broadcast, but played to the crowd in the stadium. I got to see most of the big night games. It was pretty great.

    Used a different kind of panel too. This one had VU meters on each individual channel, which was quite nifty.

    And living in South Yarra was great. Walked home most nights.

    I was also conveniently positioned to walk to work at my other panelling job at Crocmedia. For the first few months of the year, I walked a couple of k’s east. And then they moved to their new studios in Southbank, so I walked a couple of k’s west.

    I panelled the rebranded “AFL Nation” this year (formerly “AFL Live”), as well as some A-League and the Australian Open (golf). Panelling the golf was my introduction to “Zetta”, which is quickly becoming the new industry standard broadcast software. I do love the old NexGen, but Zetta’s built for the social media age.

    The new studios and offices are state-of-the-art. Big fan of the landscaping.

    Mid-year, I was back writing for the 7th season of Shaun Micallef’s Mad as Hell, which was also one of the last shows made at the ABC’s historic Ripponlea Studios.

    Once again I popped up standing in the background of a few sketches. But this time I also had my first ever speaking role on ABC TV in a sketch about the Bananas in Pajamas turning 25.

    And once again I can’t believe I’m actually doing this with these great people. Show’s back early next year and I get to be part of it all again, this time in the new Melbourne ABC TV studios in Southbank. Can’t wait.

    I continued writing questions for the quiz show I started on last year, and I was a “talent stand-in” for another quiz show on a different network. I don’t think I’m supposed to talk about those because one of them hasn’t aired and the other wants to protect the identity of the question-writers, so… not sure why I even mentioned it, other than to demonstrate to any producers from those shows who periodically check up on me that I can at least partially keep a secret.

    Here are some places I traveled to this year:

    Finally did the Great Ocean Road. London Arch was my favourite.

    Ditto Puffing Billy.

    Celebrated my 30th birthday in Sweden with Annika.

    Had an amazing week on Lord Howe Island with family for my Mum’s 60th birthday.

    Road trip down the Limestone Coast of South Australia to Mount Gambier.

    And made several trips back to Adelaide. Here’s me and my brother Luke. He had a Bond-themed birthday. I’m Max Zorin.

    Speaking of Adelaide, I finally made good on that Adelaide-based web project I mentioned last year (and the year before that… turned out to be more complicated than I thought). Anyway, check out “Good Afternoon Adelaide”. It’s a multi-cam TV chat show from the early 90s.

    Or if you’d prefer a less convenient way of watching, we’re currently in the process of editing x6 half hour episodes, which will air on Channel 44 in Adelaide and C31 Melbourne & Geelong sometime in the first half of 2018.

    I spent October and November writing a new screenplay. This will be my second. Both comedies. Always comedy. The first one is going back in the drawer for a while. Anyway, I’ve found screenplay #2 a lot easier to write – actually planning it first helps, and I guess just practice and all that.

    I was about 85% of the way through the first draft when Annika and I found out our landlord wanted to sell the house we were living in, so we had to move at short notice. That basically consumed our entire lives until we found somewhere and moved everything in. I don’t mind the packing and moving part, but the searching and the applying and competing with other people and the not knowing – that’s the stressful part. It was the sixth time I’ve moved house in eight years. Renting in Australia kinda sucks. Hopefully the next place we move to is one we own.

    But we got it done. We found a unit in Malvern that’s about the same size and a tad cheaper, but it has an air conditioner AND a dishwasher. It’s already changed our lives. So we moved in and handed back the keys to the old place and literally the next day, I was driving to Adelaide for the Christmas break.

    Every time I’ve come back to Adelaide, Katie the family dog has been there to greet me. We’ve had her since 2005. This time, I was shocked at how thin she was. It was like she was a puppy again. She hadn’t been well for a couple of weeks. Turned out it was cancer. She couldn’t eat and it was clear she was in pain. We made the difficult decision to put her down on December 18. I’m glad I could be there with Mum when the vet came to the house, but it was very sad.

    I’ve never felt so attached to a dog. Katie was my favourite. She had so much character. Not too many cardigan corgis around here so she always turned heads where ever she went. She had some problems with her hips when she was a puppy, so she had this funny wriggling way of walking. She was always the top dog. Even when she went to doggy daycare with 30 other dogs, some of which were quadruple her size, she was the boss of all of them.

    She loved food, attention, lying under a curtain or up against a wall and would go nuts if you bounced a tennis ball. She never truly grasped the concept of fetch. Or possibly she did, but it was beneath her. Thanks Mum for getting her 12 years ago. She’s been a great part of our lives and I will miss her.

    But on a lighter note on the final day of 2017, pleased to announce that Annika and I are now engaged. Surprise!

    A bigly year indeed. Hope yours was too and all the best for an even biglier 2018. It will be the bigliest.

    – DMG

  • Goodbye 2016

    Most will agree 2016 has been a pretty crummy year. It’s hard not to be disappointed in humanity, or at least the small pockets who happen to be in influential districts, what with Brexit and Trump and Turnbull and Woolworths Home Brand garlic bread no longer coming pre-wrapped in foil. Not to mention the many celebrated people leaving us (although I just did).

    President Trump? I still can’t believe it. When I’m an old dude in the 2060s driving across America one last time, I’m going to stop at a gas station and see a display stand with those commemorative plates with all the presidents’ faces on them and one of those faces will be Donald Trump. How gridlocked and unrepresentative does the USA’s political system have to get before they actually do something about it? I suspect we’ll find out in the next couple of years. Hopefully without a nuclear war.

    Closer to home, it’s also been a bad year for my family, with my sister Alice passing away in July from a degenerative genetic condition aged 27. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. It’s also especially difficult as my brother Luke has the same condition and he is slowly getting worse. I’d like to write some more things about these events some day, but not today. Though I will say I’m very lucky to have the love and support of my family, especially my Mum, my sister Hannah and my partner Annika.

    One aspect of 2016 that hasn’t been shit has been the ole media career. I was back at the ABC writing for season 6 of Shaun Micallef’s Mad as Hell. And season 5 won the Logie for Most Outstanding Comedy, which was swell. Such a great team and an honour to again be part of it.

    I also made my on screen non-gorilla costume debut in a desk segment, playing the role of lobotomised Young Liberal Oscar Curtain-Pelmet:

    It was the part I was born to play.

    FYI, here was the gorilla suit one:

    I was also a nun.

    After Mad as Hell I put my 31 Questions experienced to good use and started writing for another TV game show, the title of which I’m not allowed to say. But you can probably work it out.

    You can tell when I have plenty of writing work because the blog entries decrease in frequency. I mean, look at the last thing I posted. It was 7 months ago! You’re unlikely to see too many (if any) posts like 10 Years of Corollas or Burger Heaven – The spam is better at Hungry Jack’s when paid writing work is on offer.

    I’ve also continued the fine radio panelling for Crocmedia. Coming up on 5 years now I’ve been working there. It’s a great job and exciting times are ahead with the move from South Yarra to new studios in South Melbourne, as well as the new AFL radio rights deal, meaning more games and more affiliate stations. It’s quite unusual for a media company to actually be expanding these days, so I feel extremely lucky (especially as I’ve experienced the other side of the coin first hand with SAFM in 2008 and then MTR in 2012).

    This is the first time I’ve had consistent radio and TV work all year round. Even though it was bloody hard, I don’t regret moving from Adelaide to Melbourne for a second. For the first time, I actually feel valued as a writer, comedian, broadcaster, whatever you want to call it is that I do.

    Let’s see, what else?

    Earlier in the year I did my first solo show in a comedy festival. Read about it here (or just scroll down to the previous post from 7 months ago). I’m glad I did it, but I gotta say, as soon as the last show was over, it’s like that bit in The Simpsons where Homer’s brain floats out of his head, except I’m the brain and Homer’s head is stand-up.

    The thought of doing it again, of putting in all the work to make it good and then hanging out at an open mic night, sweating bullets for 4 hours waiting to go on for 5 minutes doesn’t really do it for me. It never really has, to be honest. What does however, is this:

    Made 2 more VHS Revue episodes and I discovered a new cache of tapes, so there’s a couple more on the horizon for 2017. I’m also still working on that other Adelaide-based webseries project, codename “GAA”. But it’s still early days (even though I mentioned it in my last end of year post). We’ve done a bunch of test shoots, and hopefully we’ll have something to show early next year. It’s a lot of fun.

    Annika and I have had some great trips this year. When we were both in Sweden this time last year, we took a train to Gothenburg for the day. Although most people from Stockholm seem to regard Gothenburg as the Geelong of Sweden, I enjoyed it very much. Especially their impressive Museum of Art:

    We also took a budget flight to London for a few days. As someone from “The Commonwealth”, it’s somewhat of a right of passage to visit the mother country. Fascinating place. I’d never been there before, and yet it was all strangely familiar. There were parts of it where if I wasn’t paying attention to the tiny details, I could have been in some other Australian city. I thought too of my Dad who was there in the late ‘70s, and my Grandfather who was there during the war. It’s a special place. I can’t see Brexit making it better.

    Back in the southern hemisphere, we went to Sydney. Annika had never been. Great place to visit. Still glad I don’t live there. It’s just so hard to get around. Na, who needs it.

    Great photos though:

    The last couple of months have all been about moving house. We’d outgrown that beautiful one-bedroom place in Hawthorn and with two of my workplaces moving to the Southbank/South Melbourne area next year, it seemed the right time to move. We found a great two-storey three-bedroom place in South Yarra. Check out those ‘80s bricks!

    After the chaos and stress of the actual moving was behind us, it’s turned out to be a great decision. We each have our own office now and a DINING ROOM TABLE! This is an extraordinary concept. It’s closer to both our workplaces and I’m walking more and driving less, which is good for everybody. Particularly my ass.

    Still a few issues I’m hoping to solve soon. Moths and spiders seem to keep finding ways inside and the sun hitting the glass in the afternoon is a problem I’m hoping some shade cloth can fix. But we’ll get there.

    I’m seeing out the year in Adelaide with family and friends. Missed Christmas in Adelaide last year so it’s been a while. I love it here this time of year. Barbecues, short pants, driving around the suburbs with the windows down, walking barefoot on the grass and swimming in the ocean.

    And so for the most part, this year can get fucked. I’ve said every year since 2004 has been better than the last for me (although 2008 only just). I think 2016 is where that stopped. Hopefully it’s just a small flat bit on a very long, upward journey for all of us.

    Merry Christmas and all that.

    DMG

  • Things what I did in 2015

    Greetings from Stockholm!

    I’m rounding out the year in Sweden with Annika. My first trip to Europe and my first time out of Australia in 10 years. A long overdue chance to see how life works in a place that isn’t Melbourne or Adelaide. For example, being able to insert your credit card in the machine at the supermarket before all the items have even been scanned? Mind blown, Sweden. Mind. Blown.

    I’m here for a whole month so I’ll save up the humorous anecdotes and poignant cultural observations and give you the good ones later.

    It’s been a grand year. Back in February I returned to the writing team for season 5 of Shaun Micallef’s Mad as Hell. Just about the most fun you can have as a comedy writer in Australia. And congrats to everyone on the AACTA Award for Best Television Comedy Series! Greatest team in TV.

    Here’s one of my favourite sketches from Season 5 (I assume it’s the right one. Can’t seem to watch this video in Sweden for some reason. Really, The World? Still with the geoblocking?):

    Also spent another year behind the control panel at Crocmedia. For my 4th year I worked on the radio flagship “AFL Live” program as well as the new “A-League Live” domestic soccer coverage, and Saturday nights at SEN during the summer. A great job and great people. Which is why I’m still there, obviously.

    Here’s me with TV’s Jane Nield on AFL Grand Final Day:

    It was also great to actually attend an AFL game this year too. Not just attend, but sit in the Crocmedia commentary box at the MCG to see Hawthorn vs Geelong in Round 20, with Rex Hunt calling with Darren Parkin and Terry Wallace.

    Only my second time at the MCG and the third AFL game I’ve ever attended, if you can believe that? FYI, the first was Adelaide vs Geelong at Football Park in 1997. The second was Melbourne vs Brisbane at the MCG in 2010. I’m usually back at Crocmedia HQ pressing the buttons, ya see.

    Man, what a view. And fascinating to see the operation from the other side of the ISDN line (Thanks again Jack Heverin!).

    No 31 Questions this year (five years and three community TV seasons was enough). But a project I worked on throughout 2015 was my “new” webseries VHS Revue. I’ve been going through old pre-1995ish video tapes and cutting together the hilarious/unusual highlights with some contemporary gags in between. All recorded on period VHS technology.

    I made nine episodes this year with the assistance of Nicholas Godfrey and Alexis Kotlowy in Adelaide. With another one I made way back in 2008, there are now 10 episodes on YouTube. Look out for cameos from TV’s Michael Pope and Mark Humphries!

    Still a few more tapes in the box I haven’t gone through yet. They’re fun to make so I suspect I’ll make some more at some point. The Adelaide VHS Gang and I have another more complex project in the works for the future, so keep a nose out…

    Here’s a clue:

    Another thing I returned to this year was stand-up comedy. I’ve kept a pretty low profile. In fact, this is the first I’ve mentioned it online. But I’ll fill you in.

    Between 2008 and 2011, I got up on stage to do a five minute spot about a dozen times. A few of those went pretty well. But I was always more interested in pursuing radio, TV and narrative/sketch-based comedy, so I never really took stand-up seriously and when “31 Questions” got up and running, I put stand-up on the back burner. Or rather, took it off the stove entirely.

    But there was always a voice at the back of my head telling me I should be doing stand-up. A real comedian should be able to get up on stage in front of an audience at any time and deliver entertainment. I was conscious I couldn’t fulfill that requirement.

    With a bit of free time in the second half of the year, that voice got harder and harder to ignore. So at the start of October I put my hand up at “Comedy at the Wilde” in Fitzroy. Coincidentally, it was four years to the day since I last performed.

    I was pretty rusty and to be honest, completely terrified. I haven’t been that scared in I don’t know when. I’d forgotten what it’s like up there, with the bright lights and no autocue. I got some laughs. Also got a generous portion of nothing. But I just had to get that return to the stage done and out of the way. And here’s the difference between now and six years ago: I rewrote the routine and got up on stage at “Station 59” in Richmond and did it again. That went a hell of a lot better. Then I tried a new five minutes, and another and another. I got up eight times in two months before I left for Sweden. And you know what? When you take stand-up seriously, it’s really fun. And when you kill? When everything just works? Oh my God, what a feeling. It’s indescribable.

    By March, I’m planning to have 45 minutes of fine, hand-crafted comedy.

    Why?

    Hell yeah! It’s my debut show at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival!

    Come see me in “Fan Club”. It’s at a nice little cocktail bar called Caz Reitop’s Dirty Secrets, 80 Smith Street, Collingwood. I’ll be doing two shows a week, Thursdays and Sundays 9PM from March 24 to April 17. Book your tickets at TICKETMASTER (CLICK HERE).

    It’ll be an evening (well a portion of an evening) of stand-up, a few stories and some live commercial reads. Producing it all myself. Just me and my comedy brain and possibly some other organs. If you’ve enjoyed any of my work ever, or you’re one of those people who’ve been asking me if I’ve got a show in the festival throughout the last decade, I’d be thrilled if you come. But until then, I’ll be round the stand-up traps in Melbourne. If you see me, come say hi.

    In other news, I read some great books this year. I’ve been getting back into that too. I particularly recommend “Command and Control” by Eric Schlosser and “Catch Me If You Can” by Frank Abagnale and Stan Redding.

    Well whoever you are, thanks for reading (this, not the books mentioned above). Hope you’ve had a good year too and all of the best for 2016.

    Let us do coffee. Let us do lunch. Let us do all of the things.

    – David M. Green

  • 2014: The Year.

    And so another curtain turns by the milestone where a chapter passes around a corner that’s closed to cap off the page’s end of yet another ticked over year.

    Hi, I’m David M. Green and here’s the gist of what I did in 2014.

    It’s coming up on 5 years since I left Adelaide for dead and moved to Melbourne to pursue a life of comedy, radio, television and shopping after 9PM. And man, I did a big steaming pile of all those things this year…

    January through April was full on. I started at my childhood dream job of writing for a Shaun Micallef-based ABC TV comedy show: Series 3 of Mad As Hell (as seen above with Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall and Simon Taylor in our official ABC-supplied writing uniforms). There’s no other way to put it. It was bloody fantastic. An amazingly talented team of people and so, so much fun. I returned in September to write for Series 4 and I’m thrilled to say I’ll be back in the writers’ room again on Series 5, which starts in February.

    If you want tickets to come join the studio audience – which I can highly recommend – hit me upside the head. I know a guy 😉

    Here’s my favourite Mad As Hell sketch from this year: “Watching the Watcher”

    Returning to the start of the year, the ole RMITV gang got back together one last time to record the third and final season of 31 Questions: The TV game show where YOU get to be the viewer. We put everything into this one and it almost killed me.

    I reckon the best episodes this year were 1, 6 and 8.

    I’ve crapped on about the show enough now, but if you literally have nothing better to do and like that behind the scenes shit, read the blog entry I wrote after we finished shooting. Or the other one I wrote after the final episode aired.

    I’m amazed we got so far with that show. But 4 years and (fittingly) 31 episodes seems like enough for now. It cost a lot of money, time, sleep, dignity, and even a couple of friendships. But we did it because we loved it and everyone involved learned an incredible amount. And that’s community TV.

    And that’s why I’m so concerned about the future of community TV, which is currently under threat after Communications Minister Malcolm Turnbull decided to kick all 5 metro stations off the air at the end of 2015.

    So concerned, a few months ago I wrote an article for The Age/Sydney Morning Herald, which was shared a hell of a lot more than Malcolm Turnbull’s half-arsed response.

    It was even mentioned in Parliament:

    They’ll get my name right one of these days…

    Make sure you sign the petition over at Commit to Community TV if you think community television in this country is worth having.

    After that burst of TV-making in the first half of the year, I took my first trip to Tasmania with my friend and mentor Van Badham. It was pretty good, aside from the food poisoning on the second day. I think it was a combination of some bad fish and a slightly disturbing experience seeing MONA‘s infamous “shitting machine”.

    I thought surely I took a picture of that machine? But looking back through the photos, evidently I did not. Probably for the best.

    3 days in Hobart was great, though I spent one of those days in bed watching QI, which arguably I could do at home. So I’d love to go back and explore the rest of the state properly. There’s some pretty breath-taking scenery.

    Here I am taking a breath:

    Back in Melbourne, I met a girl from Sweden. Her name’s Annika. She wants to stay in Australia, so to get a second year on her visa, she went and worked at a dairy farm in Lockington near the Victorian/New South Wales border. For 3 months. For no money. In a profession in which she has zero interest.

    Understandably, she didn’t like it much. I’m kinda ashamed we make foreign visitors do that in Australia. We are a selfish, small-minded country – as comprehensively encapsulated by our current federal government and their systematic policies of unfairness… But on the other hand, at least I got something out of this situation (not selfish).

    I got to visit a part of the country I’ve never had a reason to go to. So I twice drove up to see Annika, temporarily save her from the life of a milk maid, and spend a few days in Echuca. I introduced her to Red Dwarf and we stayed in a B&B that had a fireplace. (A FIREPLACE, people.)

    Both trips were great, though the guy at the B&B was a bit of a dick the second time. Got a stern lecture when we went to check out at 10.07AM. Hey, I was there at 9.55 and the counter was unattended!

    Anyway, we’re totally going out now. Here she is riding a cannon (hoho):

    Throughout the year I’ve also been back behind the radio panel at Crocmedia, where I continued my self-imposed tradition of panelling the Grand Final for “AFL Live” in a suit:

    Even panelled a few shows with cricket legend Merv Hughes. Turns out we have similar tastes in shirts:

    There were fewer sound effects this year, but that wasn’t enough to prevent another batch of bizarre audio highlights. Get a load of these:

    [display_podcast]

    As always, a thrill and a pleasure to work with the whole team, on-air and behind the scenes (and not just because they get my name right, but that does go a long way).

    So that’s the gist of it. I’m seeing the year out in Adelaide. Gonna see the old gang. Gonna play some golf. Gonna have my bowl. Gonna eat cereal. Gonna eat at my favourite spots: The Blue Bird Bakery and Charminar Indian restaurant in Brighton, that Yiros House place on Rundle Street, and maybe even Gilbert Place’s The Pancake Kitchen – just like Melbourne’s The Pancake Parlour, but everything’s 30 per cent cheaper. Just the way I like it.

    I still love Adelaide. And I love coming back to visit. It’s slowly turning into a proper city. I reckon every time I’m here, I see more solar panels and speed cameras. And little bits of Melbourne slowly being absorbed into the local scene. That’s progress, my friend.

    So that’s the gist of it. Thank you for reading, enjoy your holidays and I’ll see you in 2015. We should do lunch.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Your treat.

  • I am a media machine

    Ahoy hoy!

    With 31 Questions Season 3, writing for Mad As Hell and panelling the footy for Crocmedia, I’ll be a media machine for the next couple of months. Let me give you the low down…

    31 Questions Season 3 starts taping from February 27, and will tape a new episode every Thursday night until April 17. If you’re in Melbourne, or want to drop in, I’d love to see you in the studio audience. There’s been bigger demand this season, so we’ve actually got TICKETS now! So get your FREE ticket(s) by emailing: 31qaudience@gmail.com

    In addition to the free laffs, there’ll also be fabulous merchandise available for low, low, crazily low prices.

    And if you’re coming all the way to Melbourne to see a taping of 31 Questions, you may as well come to an episode of Shaun Micallef’s Mad As Hell. You just might see me lurking in the halls. Studio audience details available here.

    “Italian-style hand gesture where the fingers explode forth from the mouth”

    But if comedy isn’t your thing, I’m not sure why you’re on my website. But as the AFL season approaches, and eventually gets here, you’ll be able to listen in to Crocmedia’s “AFL Live” on radio stations around Australia, as well as online via the AFL website and iPhone app. The inside scoop is Rex Hunt will be returning. And who knows what else? I’m thrilled to be back at the panel for my third year!

    And in other news, Too Easy (that webseries I sometimes do with Alex Williamson) has been selected to screen at the 2014 LA WebFest in Los Angeles! Check it out:

    Fern leaves and everything!

    So if you’re in LA between March 26-30, drop by the Radisson LAX Hotel and tell ’em I sent you. Or just pretend to be me. Unfortunately, I can’t be there because I’m a media machine. Kind like this:

    If you haven’t already, form some sort of connection with me on Facebook and Twitter. I’ll probably be hangin’ round those parts of the Internet with everything going on over the next couple of months.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    How good is this?