David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

  • Which Bank? The one with the Appalling Grammar.

    Call me a Grammar Nazi. Call me a regular Nazi. Call me David M. Green. Although on the regular Nazi quip, you couldn’t be more wrong. You’d be better off calling me a communist. But anyway, I’m deviating from the big issue: Proper English, DAMMIT!

    Several weeks ago I was walking down Adelaide’s fabulous Rundle Mall (pause for applause from locals), and I happened to wander past the Commonwealth Bank located on the corner of Pulteney Street, and I noticed one of those fancy automated teller machines I’ve read so much about. Next to this ATM was a sign, as shown above, indicating that there “is” an additional two “ATM’s” located around the corner, for my convenience of course.

    Now I, being a proud proponent of the English language, immediately noticed the multiple examples of poor grammar, which I will now deconstruct piece by piece… Firstly, the use of the word “is” is incorrect. It should be “are” as there are multiple ATMs. Secondly, “ATM’s” does not require an apostrophe, as in this context, the ATM does not own anything, nor are any letters left out, assuming you don’t count the missing letters from Automated Teller Machine, from which the abbreviation ATM is derived. I’m willing to let the lack of a full stop go, but regardless, who ever wrote this was clearly an idiot, and even more frighteningly, an idiot who works with people’s money!

    Now, this was several weeks ago. At the time I was lunching with my good friend Gerard Kotlowy, and he actually had to go into the bank for some reason. I followed him and considered alerting the humanoid teller to the error. However, that particular week I had been working a lot at the cinema and I was sick to death of people complaining to me about ridiculous trivial things (eg. the cinema is too cold, there’s water in the bathroom, the door squeaks too much, why are you still serving popcorn at this cinema when I have written to head office to complain that it should be banned? etc.). So I thought, hey, I’ll give this guy a break. He doesn’t want some jerk, who doesn’t even bank with them (although I used to, back in the ’90s, but that’s a different story); giving him an English lecture on, let’s face it, an insignificant matter and a waste of everyone’s time. So I did nothing, assuming that someone else would surely bring it up. Not the case.

    Literally, this was back in April, and the sign is still there! So I thought it was high time I took a photo of it and ridiculed the organisation, in detail and in blog form. This is the 21st Century after all. I don’t like it any more than you do, but this is how things are done now…

    So, in conclusion, my message to the Commonwealth Bank: Hey CB, if you’re increasing your interest rates by 10 basis points, the least you can do is buy a dictionary and throw it at who ever wrote that sign. Also, fix the sign. And the guy who wrote it too, I guess. After all, you just threw a dictionary at him. Or her. Not sexist.

    I’m David M. Green.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Improper English is something with which up, I shall not put.

  • Personal Editorial: The Adelaide Advertiser is Crap

    Greetings, 

    The Advertiser: The long established appalling tabloid newspaper circulated in and around the Adelaide metropolitan area. Oh, it’s bad. There’s no question. Oh… wait, there is. “Okay David, why is it bad THIS TIME?” Well, I’m glad you asked. Hold onto your knees, as I prepare to answer…

    Pick up The Advertiser on any given day and you’ll find numerous examples of pointless articles about “celebrities” or someone making an issue of nothing, or Amber Petty’s two cents worth. You know, they took the 2-cent coin out of circulation for a reason. If The Advertiser had any sense, which it clearly doesn’t, it would round Amber’s column down to zero. But it doesn’t stop there. The Confidential section, the 2-page spread for entertainment gossip, is usually a collection of tiny paragraphs about the relationships of TV and sporting personalities, something else about Amber Petty and a big article with some no-name model who no one cared about until she landed an overseas contract and is now leaving the country, forever to be referred to as “OUR (insert model’s name here).” And don’t get me started on the opinion section, even though it’s probably an appropriate place to voice it. Where do they find these people? And why don’t they ever print my hilarious opinions? Especially this one… Hehehe…

    But enough with this abuse. It’s starting to feel a bit “negative.” Let me jump to a couple of specific examples to justify my earlier statement that The Advertiser is crap. In today’s edition there was an interview with B-52s frontman Fred Schneider. I love The B-52s and thanks to this article, I’ve learnt they’re coming to Adelaide later in the year! Horay! However, Ha-ha-have a read of this…

    “Fred Schneider, the frontman of U.S. band the B-52s, has a message for those who label them retro. “We’ve never been an oldies band because we don’t age.” Schneider says in his unmistakable voice. That voice has dominated such hits as Rock Lobster, Private Idaho, Love Shack and Roam.” – Cameron Adams, “B-52s Still Explosive,” The Advertiser, June 11 2009.

    WAIT A SECOND… ROAM? Fred Schneider’s “unmistakable” voice “dominated” the B-52’s 1989 hit single “Roam?” Cameron Adams, have you even listened to that song? Fred Schneider ISN’T IN IT AT ALL! Listen to it again and you’ll find the only two “unmistakable” voices are those of Kate Pierson and Cindy Wilson. There’s no Fred Schneider. If he was in it, you’d know. After all, his voice is “unmistakable.” It’s not like Cameron has mistaken him for another male voice. There are no male voices on that track! Just the beautiful harmonics of the band’s two female singers.

    And so, this has lead me to believe that Cameron Adams thought he could get away with pretending he knew a little something about The B-52s, by getting a bit fancy with singers’ names and song titles. I should know, as I use the same technique to pretend I know stuff too. What he’s obviously done is looked up “The B-52s” on Wikipedia, had a quick look at their discography and jotted down a few of the big singles (Rock Lobster, Love Shack, Roam) and chucked in a lesser known one too just for the hell of it (Private Idaho), you know, make it seem like he knows what he’s talking about. But stupidly, he forgot that Fred Schneider’s unique style of spoken lyrics did not appear on one of those particular tracks (Roam). His mistake is comparable to saying: “I love the way John Lennon sings on Yesterday.”

    Now, I’m sure in all fairness, it was probably just a simple mistake. Will there be a correction in the next edition? I doubt it… Mistakes like this reinforce my strong opinion that The Advertiser is written by idiots, for idiots. It treats the readers like idiots, and in effect helps to turn them into idiots. Here’s one more for you… It’s a bit of an old one but it stuck in my mind and it seems relevant to bring it up here. How appalling is this:

    “(Rove) McManus, who was named on a shortlist to replace US talk host Conan O’Brien on The Late Show, lost the high-profile job to Hollywood actor Jimmy Kimmel.”– Peta Hellard, “McManus Rejected for Talkshow Gig,” The Sunday Times (& re-printed in The Advertiser), May 13 2008.

    Uh… What? Dear God where do I start… Well, first, Conan O’Brien was the host of “LATE NIGHT” not “The Late Show.” Mr Hellard had clearly confused Conan O’Brien with David Letterman, host of “The Late Show.” And it’s not like there was a recent change to the show titles. It had been like that since 1993! Secondly, Conan O’Brien wasn’t replaced with Jimmy Kimmel. He was replaced with Jimmy FALLON! Jesus… and was there a correction the next day? To be honest, I don’t really remember… but I don’t think so. I managed to find that article online. You can read it here. What’s even more unbelievable is the reporter, Peta Hellard, is The Sunday Times’ “Man in Los Angeles.” This guy LIVES in LA. I’m from Adelaide and we don’t even get Late Night with Conan O’Brien on free-to-air TV here and I knew more than he did. I could be their “Man in LA.” Apparently all I need to do is write fiction and throw in a few names. If it makes sense, great. If it’s true, well that’s irrelevant. Oh yeah, one final point: ROVE as host of Late Night? Come on… Although to be honest, he could probably do a better job than Jimmy Fallon… Who’s with me?

    So in conclusion, the world is full of idiots. And many of them read The Advertiser. Some of them write for The Advertiser. And I’m talking about “The Advertiser” in the general sense now. Maybe where you’re from “The Advertiser” is some other generic tabloid newspaper? Maybe it’s an ill informed talk radio host? Or, if you’re from Adelaide, your Advertiser happens to be the actual Advertiser. So my advice to you would be, maybe just think about what you hear in the press before taking it at face value. You should probably cross reference it with a couple of websites or something. Hey, feel free to ask me. And beware the idiots. They’re EVERYWHERE!

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    I’m living in my own Private Idaho, on the ground like a wild potato

  • Stand-up Trip to Lol-Ville. Population: Hilarity.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJnM1woqM-Q

    Hello!

    David M. Green here in blog form. What a turbulent week… I did some stand-up comedy on Saturday night at the “Star Theatre” in Adelaide’s fabulous western suburbs. It didn’t go so well. Maybe it was the atmosphere. Maybe it was the audience. But most likely, it was because I freaking forgot the damn routine and just stood there silently for 30 seconds trying to remember my next joke. Actually, that was definitely it….

    So needless to say I was feeling pretty down all week: Cognitive dissonance at work, people. Allow me to illustrate… I, David M. Green, believe that I am funny. However, on Saturday I did some stand-up and I bombed, mainly due to personal incompetence (Just for something different, I thought if I practiced LESS it would make for a more spontaneous performance. Instead, I couldn’t remember what I was going to say). Then there’s a conflict between my personal belief (ie. I’m funny) and reality (ie. I suck). And as in this biz, you’re only as good as your last ‘gig,’ for most of the week, I was a complete hack.

    However, last night at the Rhino Room, I had another go. The routine was about 50% the same material, but the material I did repeat I re-worded for maximum comedy output. And this time, I killed! Everything just worked. The audience was great. The other comics were quite good for a “new-comedy” night. It was fantastic. So, dissonance corrected, confidence restored, reputation redeemed and self-esteem reacquired. If you haven’t watched it already, you can view the GOOD stand-up performance at the top of this blog entry. Your comments and feedback are always appreciated.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Apologies to the Royal Society for the Blind

  • Time Travel IS POSSIBLE!

    I did it.

    Last Friday night, I successfully travelled back in time to 1984, when Jemima and I went to the Wallis Mainline Drive-in movie theatre in Adelaide’s fabulous northern suburbs!

    I hadn’t been to the drive-in since 1995, when my Dad took my sister and I to a Jim Carey double feature (The Mask + Dumb & Dumber) at what is now a housing estate opposite the Warradale barracks. But 48 hours ago I was living the in-vehicle outdoor cinema experience once again, sitting in my car watching Star Trek XI (great!) and Wolverine (ok) at the Gepps Cross drive-in with my best gal by my side. A fantastic date, ’twas.

    But it was also sad… The place was filled to perhaps 15% of capacity, and the staff, as well as the facilities, were aged long past the prime of their respected “hay-days.” The snack bar decor clearly hadn’t been updated since the place opened in 19(cough cough)8. Pastel shades of pink and blue and “candy” spelled as “Kandi” greeted the motor-movie patrons upon entry. Surprisingly, the prices were cheaper than what one would expect to pay at a traditional cinema, with a much larger range of confectioneries and hot foods too.

    Outside, waist-high white poles with red tops marked recommended locations to park and view. Some of them also featured broken and rusting speaker boxes, relics of a by-gone era, as the audio is now broadcast on an FM frequency and listened to via each car’s own audio system. As I’m not an idiot, I of course remembered to turn on the engine between the two movies, to avoid a flat battery. At least one other car forgot to do this. I imagine flat batteries must occur so often at the drive-in, I was surprised they didn’t have a warning during the previews. I was also pondering… I wonder, if one lived nearby the drive-in, theoretically one could “pirate” a movie’s soundtrack by tuning their radio to (I forget the frequency) and recording using a few blank cassettes? Would there be a market for bootleg audio cassettes of latest release movies? Something to listen to in the car perhaps?

    In conclusion, a good old-fashioned, wholesome fun night out, with movies, cars and plenty of frotteurism in the dark. I highly recommend it. The drive-in, that is. Obviously, bring your own car and girlfriend.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Enjoyer of fine Kandi

  • 2009 Logies Review from a Non-viewer

    Hello,

    The 51st Annual TV Week Logie Awards: Australian television’s “night of nights.” I didn’t watch it. I was working. But if I wasn’t working, I may have had it on in the background… maybe… as I heard Shaun Micallef was presenting an award, and I tend to go out of my way to watch, listen or read anything with his name on it… I really haven’t been following it (the Logie thing) at all, eg. the nominees, the voting. I didn’t even know who hosted it until today (Gretel Killeen?!? Jesus… but more on that in a moment). I barely watch any free-to-air TV, not to mention any Australian shows. Even if I wanted to mention some, I’d have trouble, seeing as though I don’t watch any. Nor do I attend water cooler conversations. I’m usually oblivious to what’s “hot” on commercial TV. If anything important happens I usually discover it on the Internet before it appears on TV anyway… BUT… why am I bothering to contribute to the already numerous blog entries and articles out there pointing out how terrible the Logies were? Especially seeing as though I didn’t even watch it? Why? I’ll tell you why… It’s because I myself want to know “why?” Why does TV keep doing this? What do the decision-makers expect when they get Gretel Killeen to host it?!?

    I did watch Gretel’s intro on YouTube. Okay, so I didn’t quite “not watch” the whole thing. I lied slightly… But if that’s how the Logies started, I’m guessing that’s how the rest of it went: Weak material, phoney presenting and lame jokes from a host no one liked. And Gretel Killeen, as far as I can recall, hasn’t done anything on TV since the 2007 season of Big Brother. Why bring her back now? Just… why? Now… I’m not one for slandering people on the Internet, but JESUS H. CHRIST WHO COULD HAVE POSSIBLY THOUGHT THAT GRETEL KILLEEEN WOULD BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN APPALLING!?!?! Is the person who rubber-stamped that one TRYING to get fired? Who out there thought: “Hey, Gretel Killeen is hosting? Thank God, the Logies have been saved!”

    I of course also watched the short clip of Shaun Micallef presenting the award for best miniseries or telemovie. Hilarious. Shaun is fantastic. He’s properly funny, and it’s still my opinion that the BEST Logies were back in 2001 when Shaun himself was the host. He says it’s a tough room. I’m sure he’s right. But I myself am a tough room, not in the literal sense of course. But I can completely relate to being in an audience watching someone who’s not funny. When I’m in that situation, I generally don’t laugh. I would never expect someone to laugh unless something that was said or done was actually funny. It’s a pretty simple equation. Funny host = entertainment. Gretel Killeen isn’t funny. But brace yourself, because here’s something really bizarre… 

    Now, I don’t usually link to videos on my blog that aren’t my own, but I’ll break with tradition here because I’ve noticed something very interesting I’d like to draw to everyone’s attention. Here’s Gretel’s intro clip I saw. Have a look at this… (If it’s been taken down, try searching for “Gretel’s 2009 Logies intro” on YouTube or something)

    [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qj-G1dMpJ7k[/youtube]

    Okay. Did you notice Gretel was “shot” there and she fell over? Pretty funny right? Not particularly. And when you think about it… she kinda exploded… That’s really quite horrible. Not to mention confusing. I don’t even really know what she was going for… If anyone can explain it to me, please go ahead.

    But now for the bizarre thing I promised. Something about Gretel falling over and pretending to be dead at the Logies reminded me of something… Something from a long time ago. 8 years ago to be precise. I have a scrap book at home with various newspaper clippings, and I found this one from The Adelaide Advertiser circa March 2001, printed the week before Shaun Micallef was to host the Logies:

    If the font’s too small (and fair comment), click on the article and you’ll be taken to a larger version. High Definition Newspapers: The future is now. But anyway, the relevant part of the article I wish to draw your attention to is basically the first two paragraphs, which read:

    “COMEDIAN Shaun Micallef wanted to try something different to start the annual Logie award presentation this year. ‘I wanted to walk out on stage and begin my introduction spiel and then, about a minute into my dialogue, collapse on to the ground,’ Micallef recalls.
    ‘I thought it would be great if the network could ‘temporarily’ stop broadcast, go to a test pattern or something and then come back to me with a bandage or whatever around my head and have me continue the show.’
    Needless to say the producers disagreed.”

    Now hang on… wait a minute here… Shaun Micallef thought about falling over during his intro and the producers said NO? He goes on to say that if he really demanded to do it, the producers probably would have caved in and let him. So he COULD have done it, but he chose not to (His intro did contain several other physical gags, but none that involved falling over). Then 8 years later… Gretel Killeen’s hosting, and she decides it would be a good idea to collapse on stage. I wonder what the producers thought of this? Did they try to discourage her? Maybe they suggested it? Would it REALLY have been inappropriate for Shaun Micallef to do that joke back in 2001? Comedy was simpler back then, after all… It probably would have been funnier back then too, I imagine. But if you compare Shaun’s 2001 Logies intro to Gretel’s 2009 appall-a-tron, there’s simply no contest. Gretel didn’t say anything remotely funny, interesting or memorably. The only thing she did do was die on stage, and then pretend to die on stage (zing!). But isn’t that bizarre? I don’t quite know what to make of this… I mean, it’s hardly an original idea. Orson Wells did it in 1938. But still one wonders…

    Of course, there have been 7 other Logie ceremonies in between 2001 and 2009. In 2002 it was hosted by Wendy Harmer. I boycotted that one, and from most accounts she was comparable to Gretel. In 2003 and 2004 it was Eddie McGuire. Satisfactory, but it was like a sandwich with no filling. Sure, it had the two pieces of bread, but lacking in tasty content. From 2004 to 2007 the squabbling networks couldn’t agree on any single host so they each threw in a representative and “shared” the role. Then last year there was NO HOST. What a joke. For God’s sake, just PICK SOMEONE GOOD! Get Bert Newton while he’s still alive! He’s still got it, after all. Or develop some new talent. Hey, I reckon I could do a pretty good job… Some day maybe…

    On a final note, I also watched the “2009 Logies – In Memoriam” clip. I’ve never stopped thinking about the death of Richard Marsland. I found this footage very bizarre as well, as it was only in July last year that I was having lunch with him, having no less than an in-depth discussion about how bad the 2008 Logies were… No kidding (about the conversation. But also, the Logies were awful) I think I even remember talking about how there’s always a couple of deceased people who receive a bigger applause during the memorial. Can you believe that? You know, it is actually pretty disrepectful to all the other lesser-known TV people who’ve died, but I guess we can’t help showing our appreciation to certain individuals we really like.

    And good on Bill Collins for being accepted into the Logies Hall of Fame. I like him too and he certainly deserves it.

    So in conclusion… In my opinion, the Logies were mostly crap, but when you look at Australian television, indeed, it’s mostly crap. So what do you expect? Some may say my review has been somewhat biased, but hey, like I said… I didn’t even really watch it!

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    If you enjoyed the Logies, please write to me and tell me why. I’m interested.