David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

  • Time Travel IS POSSIBLE!

    I did it.

    Last Friday night, I successfully travelled back in time to 1984, when Jemima and I went to the Wallis Mainline Drive-in movie theatre in Adelaide’s fabulous northern suburbs!

    I hadn’t been to the drive-in since 1995, when my Dad took my sister and I to a Jim Carey double feature (The Mask + Dumb & Dumber) at what is now a housing estate opposite the Warradale barracks. But 48 hours ago I was living the in-vehicle outdoor cinema experience once again, sitting in my car watching Star Trek XI (great!) and Wolverine (ok) at the Gepps Cross drive-in with my best gal by my side. A fantastic date, ’twas.

    But it was also sad… The place was filled to perhaps 15% of capacity, and the staff, as well as the facilities, were aged long past the prime of their respected “hay-days.” The snack bar decor clearly hadn’t been updated since the place opened in 19(cough cough)8. Pastel shades of pink and blue and “candy” spelled as “Kandi” greeted the motor-movie patrons upon entry. Surprisingly, the prices were cheaper than what one would expect to pay at a traditional cinema, with a much larger range of confectioneries and hot foods too.

    Outside, waist-high white poles with red tops marked recommended locations to park and view. Some of them also featured broken and rusting speaker boxes, relics of a by-gone era, as the audio is now broadcast on an FM frequency and listened to via each car’s own audio system. As I’m not an idiot, I of course remembered to turn on the engine between the two movies, to avoid a flat battery. At least one other car forgot to do this. I imagine flat batteries must occur so often at the drive-in, I was surprised they didn’t have a warning during the previews. I was also pondering… I wonder, if one lived nearby the drive-in, theoretically one could “pirate” a movie’s soundtrack by tuning their radio to (I forget the frequency) and recording using a few blank cassettes? Would there be a market for bootleg audio cassettes of latest release movies? Something to listen to in the car perhaps?

    In conclusion, a good old-fashioned, wholesome fun night out, with movies, cars and plenty of frotteurism in the dark. I highly recommend it. The drive-in, that is. Obviously, bring your own car and girlfriend.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Enjoyer of fine Kandi

  • 2009 Logies Review from a Non-viewer

    Hello,

    The 51st Annual TV Week Logie Awards: Australian television’s “night of nights.” I didn’t watch it. I was working. But if I wasn’t working, I may have had it on in the background… maybe… as I heard Shaun Micallef was presenting an award, and I tend to go out of my way to watch, listen or read anything with his name on it… I really haven’t been following it (the Logie thing) at all, eg. the nominees, the voting. I didn’t even know who hosted it until today (Gretel Killeen?!? Jesus… but more on that in a moment). I barely watch any free-to-air TV, not to mention any Australian shows. Even if I wanted to mention some, I’d have trouble, seeing as though I don’t watch any. Nor do I attend water cooler conversations. I’m usually oblivious to what’s “hot” on commercial TV. If anything important happens I usually discover it on the Internet before it appears on TV anyway… BUT… why am I bothering to contribute to the already numerous blog entries and articles out there pointing out how terrible the Logies were? Especially seeing as though I didn’t even watch it? Why? I’ll tell you why… It’s because I myself want to know “why?” Why does TV keep doing this? What do the decision-makers expect when they get Gretel Killeen to host it?!?

    I did watch Gretel’s intro on YouTube. Okay, so I didn’t quite “not watch” the whole thing. I lied slightly… But if that’s how the Logies started, I’m guessing that’s how the rest of it went: Weak material, phoney presenting and lame jokes from a host no one liked. And Gretel Killeen, as far as I can recall, hasn’t done anything on TV since the 2007 season of Big Brother. Why bring her back now? Just… why? Now… I’m not one for slandering people on the Internet, but JESUS H. CHRIST WHO COULD HAVE POSSIBLY THOUGHT THAT GRETEL KILLEEEN WOULD BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN APPALLING!?!?! Is the person who rubber-stamped that one TRYING to get fired? Who out there thought: “Hey, Gretel Killeen is hosting? Thank God, the Logies have been saved!”

    I of course also watched the short clip of Shaun Micallef presenting the award for best miniseries or telemovie. Hilarious. Shaun is fantastic. He’s properly funny, and it’s still my opinion that the BEST Logies were back in 2001 when Shaun himself was the host. He says it’s a tough room. I’m sure he’s right. But I myself am a tough room, not in the literal sense of course. But I can completely relate to being in an audience watching someone who’s not funny. When I’m in that situation, I generally don’t laugh. I would never expect someone to laugh unless something that was said or done was actually funny. It’s a pretty simple equation. Funny host = entertainment. Gretel Killeen isn’t funny. But brace yourself, because here’s something really bizarre… 

    Now, I don’t usually link to videos on my blog that aren’t my own, but I’ll break with tradition here because I’ve noticed something very interesting I’d like to draw to everyone’s attention. Here’s Gretel’s intro clip I saw. Have a look at this… (If it’s been taken down, try searching for “Gretel’s 2009 Logies intro” on YouTube or something)

    [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qj-G1dMpJ7k[/youtube]

    Okay. Did you notice Gretel was “shot” there and she fell over? Pretty funny right? Not particularly. And when you think about it… she kinda exploded… That’s really quite horrible. Not to mention confusing. I don’t even really know what she was going for… If anyone can explain it to me, please go ahead.

    But now for the bizarre thing I promised. Something about Gretel falling over and pretending to be dead at the Logies reminded me of something… Something from a long time ago. 8 years ago to be precise. I have a scrap book at home with various newspaper clippings, and I found this one from The Adelaide Advertiser circa March 2001, printed the week before Shaun Micallef was to host the Logies:

    If the font’s too small (and fair comment), click on the article and you’ll be taken to a larger version. High Definition Newspapers: The future is now. But anyway, the relevant part of the article I wish to draw your attention to is basically the first two paragraphs, which read:

    “COMEDIAN Shaun Micallef wanted to try something different to start the annual Logie award presentation this year. ‘I wanted to walk out on stage and begin my introduction spiel and then, about a minute into my dialogue, collapse on to the ground,’ Micallef recalls.
    ‘I thought it would be great if the network could ‘temporarily’ stop broadcast, go to a test pattern or something and then come back to me with a bandage or whatever around my head and have me continue the show.’
    Needless to say the producers disagreed.”

    Now hang on… wait a minute here… Shaun Micallef thought about falling over during his intro and the producers said NO? He goes on to say that if he really demanded to do it, the producers probably would have caved in and let him. So he COULD have done it, but he chose not to (His intro did contain several other physical gags, but none that involved falling over). Then 8 years later… Gretel Killeen’s hosting, and she decides it would be a good idea to collapse on stage. I wonder what the producers thought of this? Did they try to discourage her? Maybe they suggested it? Would it REALLY have been inappropriate for Shaun Micallef to do that joke back in 2001? Comedy was simpler back then, after all… It probably would have been funnier back then too, I imagine. But if you compare Shaun’s 2001 Logies intro to Gretel’s 2009 appall-a-tron, there’s simply no contest. Gretel didn’t say anything remotely funny, interesting or memorably. The only thing she did do was die on stage, and then pretend to die on stage (zing!). But isn’t that bizarre? I don’t quite know what to make of this… I mean, it’s hardly an original idea. Orson Wells did it in 1938. But still one wonders…

    Of course, there have been 7 other Logie ceremonies in between 2001 and 2009. In 2002 it was hosted by Wendy Harmer. I boycotted that one, and from most accounts she was comparable to Gretel. In 2003 and 2004 it was Eddie McGuire. Satisfactory, but it was like a sandwich with no filling. Sure, it had the two pieces of bread, but lacking in tasty content. From 2004 to 2007 the squabbling networks couldn’t agree on any single host so they each threw in a representative and “shared” the role. Then last year there was NO HOST. What a joke. For God’s sake, just PICK SOMEONE GOOD! Get Bert Newton while he’s still alive! He’s still got it, after all. Or develop some new talent. Hey, I reckon I could do a pretty good job… Some day maybe…

    On a final note, I also watched the “2009 Logies – In Memoriam” clip. I’ve never stopped thinking about the death of Richard Marsland. I found this footage very bizarre as well, as it was only in July last year that I was having lunch with him, having no less than an in-depth discussion about how bad the 2008 Logies were… No kidding (about the conversation. But also, the Logies were awful) I think I even remember talking about how there’s always a couple of deceased people who receive a bigger applause during the memorial. Can you believe that? You know, it is actually pretty disrepectful to all the other lesser-known TV people who’ve died, but I guess we can’t help showing our appreciation to certain individuals we really like.

    And good on Bill Collins for being accepted into the Logies Hall of Fame. I like him too and he certainly deserves it.

    So in conclusion… In my opinion, the Logies were mostly crap, but when you look at Australian television, indeed, it’s mostly crap. So what do you expect? Some may say my review has been somewhat biased, but hey, like I said… I didn’t even really watch it!

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    If you enjoyed the Logies, please write to me and tell me why. I’m interested.

  • Booth Reviews from the Booth Connoisseur

    Hello booth enthusiasts!

    FINALLY! There is now a source of wisdom, experience and an archive of booth reviews from someone with an honorary mail-order degree in “booth-onomy” (i.e. me), for all your booth seating needs!

    As anyone who knows me knows already, if there’s one type of seating I would willingly take a bullet for, it’s booth seating. Call it nostalgia. Call it insecurity. Call the authorities. I love booths, and I make no apologies, except to maybe some of the restaurant staff I’ve complained to in the past due to the lack of adequate booths. I know it’s not your fault, you just work there, but I’m passionate about parking my arse, and let me tell you, nothing beats backing your butt into a well-designed booth. But that’s just the thing… in Adelaide, it’s hard to find a good booth these days…

    Oh, I’ve travelled to America. I’ve experienced perfection when it comes to booth seating. So that’s why I’ve decided to put my experience, opinion and humongous ego to good use, for once. From now on, every time I dine in a booth, I shall make some notes and document the experience in blog form, for those of you who share my love of booths, and who might want to save some time by skipping the crap ones. Of course, many of you will say “what good is a booth if the food is terrible?” Good point. That certainly is a factor in forming an opinion of a restaurant, eatery or any other food emporium. But menu quality has little correlation to booth quality. Booths are a whole different kettle of fish. Indeed, being served an actual kettle of fish doesn’t necessarily immediately indicate a bad booth… Although surely that restaurant has other problems; kitchen staff with dementia, for one… Regardless, my booth reviews will be just that: a review of The Booth.

    For my inaugural booth review, I chose the 1950’s-themed Hungry Jacks (or “Jaccas,” which is a term my good friend Adam Navarro is trying to popularise) at Westfield Marion shopping centre, located in the southern suburbs of Adelaide, South Australia, pictured above (taken by photography’s Tim Wray).

    Marion Hungry Jack’s (Jacca’s) Booth Review

    Cleanliness:                    3 Booth Units3 Booth Units3 Booth Units

    Fair. Some remaining crumbs from previous booth-goers.

    Material:                          3 Booth Units3 Booth Units3 Booth Units

    Fair. Pleasing colour scheme. Although the back part of the booth was cushioned, the base was not, giving the appearance the booth was only half-constructed.

    Comfort:                          4 Booth Units4 Booth Units4 Booth Units4 Booth Units

    Good contour. Despite half-finished appearances, the booth was actually quite comfortable.

    Depth:Height Ratio:        4.5 Booth Units4.5 Booth Units4.5 Booth Units4.5 Booth Units4.5 Booth Units

    Very good. Near perfect. Back of the booth could be a little higher.

    Distance to Table:          3.5 Booth Units3.5 Booth Units3.5 Booth Units3.5 Booth Units

    Good. Could be a little more enclosed (for my liking, anyway. I’m 183cm and 73kg for those who are interested).

    Overall Score:    72%

    Good. An enjoyable dining experience, but by far not the perfect booth.

    Stay tuned to this website (bad analogy) for more booth reviews some other time in the future, you know… if I feel like doing another one.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Dining at a booth near you

  • Carole Whitelock’s invitation to The Dream Factory

    Hey hey,

    What a bizarre situation I found myself in yesterday… After a chance meeting with 891 ABC Adelaide’s own Carole Whitelock, whilst working at the Palace Nova cinema (I was working there, not her, obviously), one thing lead to another (no, not in THAT direction…) and she invited me onto her radio show!

    I’m of course no stranger to ABC 891. Last year I made some appearances and performed sketch comedy for Peter Goers. Funnily enough, it was that experience, combined with listening to a lot of AM radio in general, that provided the inspiration for my latest comedy show “On The Yacht.” The show featured a number of characters, most of which were based on other personalities from the AM-band. And there I was, ON one of the very shows we, let’s be honest, pillaged for material, talking about how we did it…

    I was allowed to play a couple of clips from “On The Yacht.” Surreal to hear them broadcast via amplified modulation, presumably to an audience, which was a nice change. And so much fun. Had a slight technical problem recording it, but hopefully I’ll have the audio up here soon. It’s light entertainment, so I couldn’t be too zany. But then again, that’s what “On The Yacht” was all about… at least, initially… but then it got pretty zany at the end… I think we had a ghost in the studio at one point…

    But anyway, here’s the clip: Click here click here click here. And thank you also to Elk and Robbie, Carole’s fantastic producers, who, unlike certain others that shall remain nameless, managed to play the sketches without cutting them off with a bushfire alert.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Bringing back the Hawaiian shirt

  • Trees: A Sound Experiment

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPIxhWK5tFo

    Hey and hello, etc.

    David M. Green once again, speaking to you via the medium of blog, not to be confused with the medium of log. Although you could be forgiven for making that assumption, considering the topic of this particular entry. Behold my latest straight-to-The-Internet sketch!

    In this short visual motion picture film, I attempt to find the answer to the age-old question, if a tree falls in the middle of a forest and no one’s around, does it make a sound? I spared no expenses, excluding ‘money’ of course… and ‘time’ I suppose… But I can assure you I spared no amount of ‘thinking.’ But why did I make this sketch? You just can’t leave it alone can you… Na, you’re ok. In fact it was my audition video for a new Zapruder’s Other Films/ABC TV show to be aired in late 2009, code-named “Project NEXT.” Alas I was not successful. I’m guessing they were looking for someone who took the audition seriously… But no loss. At the very least it was an excuse to finally get around to filming this sketch, which I actually wrote back in 2004!

    So please enjoy, if you haven’t played the video already, “Trees: A Sound Experiment” by me, David M. Green.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Who I just said I was