• Wildcard draws David M. Green to Raw Comedy Semi-Finals, four.

    Gentlemen, and to a lesser extent, ladies (not being sexist, just a reflection of my website visitor statistics),

    Well, I wasn’t funny enough to be a winner on night #3 of the SA Raw Comedy stand-up contestations, but that hasn’t stopped me from receiving remedial assistance from Raw’s coveted “wildcard programme.” So this means I’ll be doing stand-up again. This time at Adelaide’s “PJ O’Brien’s” on East Tce (an establishment I have never had a reason to go to before), on Tuesday March 10th at 9pm.

    So once again, if you wish to see me perform stand-up live (only for the 4th time ever), feel free to buy a ticket through the Adelaide Fringe Festival office, or at the door on the night. But if you can find a way to sneak in for free, what the hell do I care? I’m not getting paid anything for this, so go nuts. Go there the night before with a friend and drink each other under the table. Then just stay there for 20 hours disguised as a sticky patch of floor, and you’re laughing! Literally… hopefully anyway… Either that or you’ll develop Korsakoff’s syndrome…

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Ironically, most stand-up comedians are a joke

  • On The Yacht Final Voyage Tonight!

    Hey blog-trotters,

    In approximately 3 hours we’ll begin the FINAL episode of our grossly unpopular satirical comedy/talk-back radio parody show “On The Yacht.” Tune in for one last time on Radio Adelaide 101.5FM at midnight Adelaide time to hear Adam, Norman Vine, Dr Kevin Goodall and Tim Wray (in the news room). But if you can’t make it, please don’t fret… I’ll post links to all the podcasts soon.

    On The Yacht has been described by a random listener as: “Funny. At Times.” I think that comment sums up the show nicely.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    AKA Norman Vine

  • Not working in a coal mine, but still working.

    A co-workerly good morning to the proletariat in you!

    David M. Green here. Man, have I been working this weekend? Yes. Hard. And for 3 different employers! Let me give you the run-down… First I worked at the Palace Nova Eastend cinema:

    Then I delivered some pizzas:

    Then I took a drive to scenic Uraidla in the Adelaide Hills to dress up as “Spike,” the lovable Adelaide and Mount Lofty Ranges Natural Resources Management Board Echidna:

    Thus perfectly executing the comedian’s “rule of three!”

    But anyway, a fun, profitable, and tiring weekend. Most fun of all was dressing up as a giant purple echidna. I think I looked a bit like “Sonic the Hedgehog,” so much so I think I could potentially assume his identity and steal some rings from a jewellery store… COULD… There’s something about being in a costume that creates a catalyst for hugging. Everyone wanted to hug me! Sure, a few people wanted to hurt me, but luckily Mandy, my chaperon, kept them at bay. Although on one occasion while she was doing this I walked into a pole… My giant head cushioned the impact. Also, the costume. But mostly it was a beautiful day filled with hugs, bouncy comic walking, posing for photos and bringing joy and fear to children. Could a guy ask for anything more? Plus I got to see Uraidla, a town in the Adelaide Hills I’d never even heard of. Fun and learning. Certainly a day to blog about.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Jesus I’m tired.

  • Howard Jones synth-pops into Adelaide

    Well, as no one else I knew had even heard of Howard Jones, let alone wanted to pay $70 to see him, last night I went to see Howard Jones by myself, thus proving my undying dedication to ’80s New Wave music! Conclusion: awesome. Rolling Stone Magazine didn’t name him 1986 keyboard player of the year for nothing, and by george he’s still got it. I didn’t know if he was going to hit the high notes in “Like to Get to Know You Well” and “Look Mamma” because I’d seen some recent live footage of Peter Gabriel and he’d been forced to sing “Big Time” a little more conservatively, but Howard Jones is still living the dream…

    I never thought I’d see the day when a crowd of Australians would be chanting “Howard! Howard! Howard!” again. Even funnier, Howard Jones’s full name is “John Howard Jones!” I suppose “John Jones” is a bit plain for an ’80s pop star. Advertised online was “Howard Jones plus special guests (TBA).” The special guests turned out to be Howard Jones. I’d never seen a musician open for himself before, but Howard Jones watches out for Howard Jones. He wasn’t going to leave Howard Jones hanging. So he casually walked out on stage and played some solo songs on a keyboard. It was about as acoustic as Howard Jones gets, even though it was still an electronic keyboard, but hey, I didn’t want to make a big deal of it. Then after half an hour, he went backstage, put on a tie and came out for the electro set. Outstanding!

    It’s interesting, I’d put him in the same category as Phil Collins, The Pet Shop Boys and Tears for Fears and he’s had just about as many hits as them too, but for some reason Howard Jones just isn’t as famous. But that’s fine with me, because I got to see him in a really intimate setting, with maybe around 200 other people. It was like a secret show just for us. For the record, he started the electro set with “Conditioning” (which I hadn’t actually heard before, but it’s fantastic live. I just hope the version I’m downloading now is as good!) and of course he also played his other well-knowns “Things Can Only Get Better,” “Everlasting Love,” “Life in One Day” and “No One is to Blame.” I’m sorry I can’t remember the rest. I actually only heard a couple of his albums, but the great thing about loving ’80s music is I can discover songs I’ve never heard before, and to me, it’s like it’s a brand new song (although that won’t last forever, hehe). I’ve got a couple of actual 12-inch records, including the appropriately named “The 12-Inch Album,” but I plan to build my Howard Jones collection.

    A slight side track… I’m not much of a drinker. In fact, let’s be unambiguous. I don’t drink alcohol. Never really cared for it. But anyway, that’s beside my point. I bought a glass of diet coke from The Gov. I took my wallet out, expecting it to be maybe in the range of $2.50 to $3, which although is by no means cheap, is the amount I expect to get ripped off when I purchase a beverage from a public house. $3.70! Outrageous. And no free-refill or anything. That was it. And it wasn’t even a large glass. I would estimate maybe 120mL. 150 tops. To give you a sense of scale, here’s said over-priced drink next to my antiquated Nokia 1600:

    Ridiculous… And inevitably, the concert came to a close with Howard Jones finishing the evening with “New Song,” which is, ironically, also his oldest song. Excellent synthesiser solo. Definately worth $70.

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Yes. Howard Jones.

  • If only it was still profitable…

    Hey there,

    Well as promised in my previous blog entry, Jemima and I did indeed venture once more to Glenelg to take advantage of the free session of Gone with the Wind on the final day of screening at Glenelg Cinema. It’s a sad day. Not least because I put my resume in there about 6 months ago and they stringed me along for 5 months telling me they were hiring soon… hehe, how ironic, seeing as though I just got a job at the Palace Nova cinema… Glenelg would have been a great place to work though. I’ve been wanting to work there for a long time. Pretty much ever since my good friend Tim Wray started working there back in 2003. I remember one occasion seeing him at the candy bar. I asked if he could give discounts. He very professionally said “no” before smashing a choc-top ice-cream onto the counter and selling me the defective product at a massive discount. And he told me it was such a great place to work; great pay and not that much work to do. That’s the problem with great work places: if there’s not much work to do it means business isn’t going to well, and inevitably you’ll probably lose your jobs when the place closes down, just like me at GameTraders Mitcham. No one ever came into that shop! Here’s a close-up of my head…

    But I have so many memories from the Glenelg Cinema. Heck, I’ve been going there as long as I can remember. Before Greater Union Marion opened in 1997, if we wanted to see a movie it was generally either Glenelg or Noarlunga. There were cinemas in the city too, but we generally kept to the suburban ones. My earliest memory at Glenelg was in 1994. My grandma, who at the time was living in West Lakes, took my sister Alice and I to see The Little Rascals. However it was sold out, so we sat in the adjacent mall (now demolished) trying to work out what to do. We eventually decided to see The Mask, starring a little known Jim Carey. I had a great time! And to this day I have never seen The Little Rascals.

    Another good memory was from one of the last days of Year 10 in 2002. For some reason, the Year 10 co-ordinator thought we were all mature enough to go see Molokai, a movie about a priest going to a leper colony in the mid-1800s. Boy was he wrong. Kids were yelling and laughing and throwing popcorn and shining laser pointers on the screen and at the back of teachers’ heads. And that was probably the last time I ever bought a tin of Kool Mints. You can’t get them in tins any more. Real shame. Oh there used to be this brand of potato chips as well that they don’t make any more. I forget their name. They were similar to Kettle Chips. Very oily and irregularly shaped. Fantastic. I think I’m starting to sound old?

    Something else I remember about Glenelg for no reason other than I have a great memory… I saw all 3 of the Mummy movies there. The first one in 1999 with my then friend Robert Elkson, the 2nd in 2001 with my then friend Craig Markham, and then the 3rd in 2008 with my then (and now) girlfriend Jemima. And it was with her that I saw the 2nd to last ever screening; the 1939 classic Gone with the Wind. We were the youngest people there by about 4 generations. And everybody gasped and applauded when Clark Gable uttered that famous line, the line you sit through the proceeding 4 hours to see, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.” A fitting phrase also for the profit-driven go-go world of commercialism, in regard to the Glenelg Cinema. Hey, don’t get me wrong, I love making money. I just wish they would replace the Glenelg cinema with a newer, better cinema, instead of just tearing it down and turning it into some boutique shops and a multi-storey car park. Oh well, we’ll always have the memories…

    Kind regards,
    Cinema’s David M. Green
    Probably ate too much popcorn…