David M. Green: Purveyor of fine humour

Author: David M. Green

  • Tram driver locked out

    I hopped on the tram yesterday to meet an old friend in the city for lunch. I have a habit of being 10 minutes late to everything, and this occasion was no exception. To save face I often blame the tram; but in reality it’s usually my own fault.

    But THIS TIME I could legitimately say the tram was late. Not for the usual reasons of poorly coordinated traffic lights, bad drivers, old people, tourists asking directions, single parents with prams or punk kids unneccessarily ringing the bell, but because the driver locked himself out of the cabin! And he spent about SEVEN MINUTES trying to open the door!

    So, being the upstanding member of GEN Y that I am – with a camera phone and lots of free time – I got most of it on video and rendered in into a bite-sized sketch, which if you haven’t watched already, is at the top of this post.

    The driver was struggling with the keys for about 3 minutes before I started recording.

    He used one of those poles (the ones they use to switch the points and change the track’s direction) to try to open the door from the inside. Then a hipster passenger offered a helping hand (and foot), but was unsuccessful. Eventually the driver jimmied open the sliding window, tossing the pole loudly into the cabin in frustrated celebration.

    I tell ya… the things you see on a Melbourne tram…

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Big tram fan.

  • More bad grammar

    It’s been a while since my successful grammatical stand against the Commonwealth Bank, so if you’re in need of a reminder, check out BEFORE and AFTER David’s M. Green’s red correction pen.

    In the mean time I’ve accumulated a few more examples of bad grammar and general incompetence, so back by popular demand… it’s David M. Green: Grammar Nazi!

    What’s worse than finding human faeces in your hotel swimming pool?

    Well… actually, I’d probably prefer the bad grammar:

    Don’t worry. Darryl will sort you out.

    Went to see a movie at the Hoyts cinema at Melbourne’s fabulous Northland Shopping Centre the other day. Ain’t that just humanity at its worst?

    They’re not the kind of folk that take too kindly to outsiders, NEITHER their food NOR drink:

    And here’s an amusing Facebook slip-up from my good friend Rebecca McKinney. No explanation required:

    Jesus, what kind of stitch pattern is she using? She might have to give Darryl a call…

    Grammatical mistakes happen to the best of us. Stuff on Facebook is pretty forgivable, but once it’s printed and turned into signage – especially when it’s big business – grammar fans, let the mockery begin!

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    David M. Green: Grammar Nazi will return in “The Spellcheck Is Not Enough”.

  • Lights, Camera, Maction! Ep #3

    YEEEEESSSSSS! It’s episode #3 of Sam Mac’s “Lights, Camera, Maction!” aka “LCM” aka “Maction!”

    This one guest stars TV’s Charlie Pickering, as well as myself and the lovely Minky Cooper. In my “Stuff Girls Like” segment this week/month, I explore the bikini… Ohoho yeah.

    Thanks again to Simon Eastwood’s fabulous camera and focusing skills.

    This one was much easier to film than the “Lipstick” one we did in episode #1, which required stock footage of a fire truck. The only issue with this one was finding somewhere to film it without anyone asking questions about what the hell we were doing… You’ll understand once you see the video.

    Enjoy!

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    Over to you, Alex Williamson! Tag team!

  • Popping voxes for RMITV

    The other day I swung by my alma mater, RMIT University, to record a short promotional video for RMITV Student Television at the university’s O-Day celebrations.

    And I had a freaking fantastic time!

    Basically I walked around with a talented camera-operator named Emma (didn’t catch her surname), doing vox-pops and joking around.

    We recorded about 40 minutes of footage, 15 of which was really good (in my opinion, anyway).

    Someone else edited together a 7 minute video for the Student Union website, which featured some fancy cut-away footage spliced in there and a “best of” the day’s vox-pops.

    They also did that thing where they cut to a second camera that I’m NOT looking at, while I’m doing my PTCs (pieces to camera), and which, if I can be honest, I absolutely hate.

    It makes it look like I’m presenting on Video Hits or some teen show where they assume the audience is so depraved of an attention span you need to keep putting in cuts to the same thing from different angles. Sometimes they change it to black and white or put it in slow motion as well. At least RMITV didn’t go that far…

    Seriously though, great edit. It’s far more swish-looking than I could manage. It’s supposed to be on the Student Union website, but I can’t seem to find it… Little help?

    But anyway, I acquired permission to upload ALL the good footage to the Internet here so YOU can see the good stuff that didn’t make it to the official video.

    So here they are separated into three easy-to-digest videos!

    #1 – Who are you & what are you studying? (Keep your eye out for a cat and a giant bowling pin…)

    –

    #2 – Are you a member of a club or society? (I make two Thai girls sing their national anthem in this one!)

    –

    #3 – Have you heard of RMITV? (Turns out some people understand television better than others…)

    –

    I think I displayed just the right amount of smart-arseness. What do ya reckon?

    Everyone there at the RMITV stall was a pleasure to work (and slack off) with. I wish I could do this sort of thing everyday!

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    And that was a damn fine shotgun microphone.

  • Norman Vine on Barry Radio’s “Bad Blokes”

    Ohohohohohoooooooo YEEEESSSSSS!

    Norman Vine is BACK!

    Tune into Bad Blokes on Barry Radio with my good friends Jack Ellis, Luke “Plugga” Harding and Alex Williamson.

    If you’re in Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Adelaide or Perth, you can tune in on your digital radio, or else listen online at the following times (Australian Eastern Daylight Time, GMT +11):

    Monday – 8AM
    Wednesday – 4PM
    Thursday – 10PM
    Friday – 11AM
    Saturday – 8AM/4PM/10PM
    Sunday – 4AM/11AM/5PM

    I think the guys really mesh well with each other on the air. It’s mostly just laid back chat, but quite dense with gags. They also do the odd sketch here and there.

    And of course, a new segment called “The Finer Things” with my alter-ego, eccentric billionaire and notorious ladies man, Norman Vine, which explores life’s finer things and adds a touch of class to the digital radio spectrum. This week we talk about yachting and dressing gowns. That’s right.

    A big thanks to the good blokes from Bad Blokes for having me on their show. It’s an absolute pleasure and hopefully they’ll have me on a few more times before they get sick of me!

    Kind regards,
    David M. Green
    I’ll get back to you, Barry.